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HUDIBRAS,

> IN

THREE FARTS.

Written
IN THE TI]ME OF THE LATE WARS.

BY
SAMUEL BUTLER, ESC^.

vwvwwx*

With

A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR, ANNOTATIONS,

AND AN INDEX.

BALTIMORE,

PUBLISHED BY F. LUCAS, JIJN.,

^ P. H. NICKLIN.

T. ^ G. Palmer, printers, Philadelphia.

1812.

/

oA'i

?-i

•■ ^-

TO THE READER.

POETA nascitur nonfit is a sentence of as great
ruth as antiquity ; it being most certain, that all the
acquired learning imaginable is insufficient to com-
plete a poet, without a natural genius and propensity
to so noble and sublime an art. And we may, with-
out oftence, observe, that many very learned men,
who have been ambitious to be thought poets, liave
ouly rendered themselves obnoxious to that satirical
inspiration our Author wittily invokes :

Which made them, tliough it were in spite
Oi" nature and their stars, to write.

On the one side, some who have had very little hu-
man learning, but were endued with a large share ol"
natural wit and parts, have become the most celebrafc
ed poets* of tlie age they lived in. But, as these last
are '" Rarx aves in terris,^'' so, when the muses have
not disdained tlie assistances of other arts and scien-
ces, we are then blessed with those lasting luonu-
meucs of wit and learning, which may justly claim a
kind of eternity upon eartii. And our Author, had
his modesty permitted him, mi '^•ht, with Horace, have
said,

Exegi monumentum are perennius :

Or, with Ovid,

Jamque opus exegi, quod nee Jovis ira, nee ignis,
Nee poterit ferrum, nee edax abolere vetustas.

The Author oi" this celebrated Poem was of this last
composition : for, although he had not the happiness
of an academical education, as some affirm, it n.ay be

* Shakspeare, d'Avenant, &c.

TO THE READER.

perceived, througliout his whole Poem, that he had
read much, and was vciy well accomplished in the
most useful parts of human learning.

Rapin (in his reflections), speaking of the necessary
qualities belonging to a poet, ttlls us, he must have a
genius extraordinary; great natural gifts; a wit just,
fruitful, piercing, solid, and universal ; an understand-1
ing clear aud distinct ; an imagination neat and plea-*
sant ; an elevation of soul, that depends not only on*
art or study, but is purely the gift of heaven, vhich
must be sustained by a lively sense and vivacity;
judgment to consider wisely of things, and vivacity for
the beautiful expression of them, &c.

Now, how justly this character is due to our Author,
we leave to the impartial reader, and those of nicer
judgment, who had the happiness to be more inti-
mately acquainted with him.

The repuiatioTi of this incomparable Poem is so
thoroughly established in the world, that it would be
•jUpei-fiuous, if not impertinent, to endeavour any pa-
uegjric upon it. King Charles II, whom the judi-
cious part of mankind will readily acknowledge to be
a so^ereign judge of wit, was so great an admirer of
it, that he would often pleasantly quote it in his con-
versation. However, since most men have a curiosity
to have some account of such anonymous authors,
whose compositions have been eminent for wit or
learning, we have, for their information, subjoined a
short Life of tlie Author.

LIFE

OF

SAMUEL BUTLER.

THE ingenious and truly original author of Hu-
dibras was bom in the parish of Strenshain in Wor-
cestershire, in 1612, ijrohably in February, as we find
that he was christened on the 14th day of that month.
Of his parents our information is very scanty. They
gave him education, however, at the grammar-school
of Worcester, whence he was removed either to Cam-
bridge or Oxford, btit to which his biographers ar. not
agreed ; and as they who contend for the one or the
other university have not been able to name the col lege
or hall in which he studied, there is reason to doubt
whether he ever had an academical education. Had
he been entered of any of the colleges of Oxford, it
seems almost impossible that Anthony Wood should
not have been able to discover his matriculation, ov
some notice that might liave determined the point.

For some time, w- arc told, he was clerk to Mr.
Jefferys, of Earls Croomb, iij Worcestershire, an emi-
nent justice of the peace; and, while in this gemle-
nian's senice, had leisure for study, .- nd amused him-
self by ijractising music and painting. He was after-
wards admitted into the family of the Countess of
Kent, wltere he enjoyed the use ol" a library, and the
conversation of the celebrated Selden. From this
house he removed into the family of Sir Samuel Luke,

%

vi LIFE OF SAMUEL BUTLER.

one of Ci*omwell's officers, and from what he saw here,
is supposed to have conceived the design of ridiculing
the practices of the republican party, and of forming
bis hero on some peculiarities in tlie character of Sir
Samuel.

On the restoration, he was made secretary to the
Earl of Carbui-}-, president of the principality of Wales,
who conferred on him the stewardship of Ludlow Cas-
tle, which Mr. Warton thinks was a very honourable
and lucrative office. About this time he married Mrs.
Herbert, a lady of some fortune, which, one of his
biographers informs us, was lost by bad securities.

In 1653, the first three cantos of his Hudibras were
published, and introduced to the attention of the
court by the Earl of Dorset. In the following yeai',
the second part made its appearance; and such was
the general popularity of tliis poem, and the particu-
lar favour with which it was received by the king and
courtiers, that every one expected some special re-
wai-d would be bestowed on the ingenious author.
But, except three hundred guineas which the king
is said, upon no very good authority, to have sent to
him, we find no trace of any reward or promotion
wliatever.

Discouraging as this treatment was, Butler pub-
lished the third part in 1678, which still leaves the
story imperfect: how much more he intended cannot
now be ascertained. The purpose of the Poem had
been answered, although the author went without his
reward, and the reader of Hudibras, although he may
wish it longer, is not so seriously intent on the hero
as on the general humour of the incidents and dia-
logues. " Butler," says Dr. Johnson, *' had now

LIFE OF SAMUEL BUTLER. vii

arrived at an age when he might think it proper to
be in jest no longer, and, perhaps, his health might
now begin to fail."

He died in 1680, and was buried in the church-yard
of Covent-Garden : Dr. Simon Patrick read the ser-
vice on this occasion. About sixty years afterwards,
Alderman Barber, the printer, erected a monument
to his memory in Westminster-Abbey.

After his death, three small volumes of his posthu-
mous pieces were published ; but among them are
many spurious. In 1759, Mr. Thyer, of Manchester,
pubHshed two volumes, which are indubitably genu-
ine, and consist of prose and verse, but from neither
of these publications can we collect any information
as to his private life and character. He is said to
have made no figure in conversation proportionate
to the wit displayed in his immortal poem ; and King
Charles, who had a curiosity to see him, could never
be brought to believe that he wrote Hudibras,

During the seventeenth, and part of the eighteentJi
century, it was the fashion to call him bj the name
of Hudibras; and even so late as 1738, Dr. Birch
placed his life in the General Dictionary, under the
title of Hudibras, as if it were his proper name.

Butler has usually been ranked among the unfortu-
nate poets, who have been neglected by their age; yet,
although we can find no proof of royal munificence
having been extended to him, there appears no reason
to think that he was poor in the most unfavourable
sense. On one occasion he is said to have resented
the conduct of a gentleman who had contrived to put
a purse of one hundred guineas into his pocket. This
story is told in a book entitled " Miscellanea Aurea,
or the Golden Medley," printed in 1720; the author

Tiii LIFE OF SAMUEL BUTLER.

of which gives also the commou repoi-t that he wa*
starved, and that this might be owing to his pride and
higli spirit. Suc)» anecdotes, however, appear to have
very iittle authority.

As to the Poem now before the reader, its well-
known character renders any critique in this place
unnecessary, and, after the admirable analysis given
by Dr. Johnson, impossible. Although tiie persons
and events introduced in Hudibras are now forgotten ,
or known only to historic students, the exquisite hu-
mour of this piece is still as keenly relished as when
first presented to the public ; and inuch of it has long
been introduced in conversation as axioms of wit and
sense. It has, indeed, been justly observed by Dr.
Nash, that, concerning Hudibras, there is hut one
sentiment: it is universally allowed to be the first
and last poem of its kind ; the learning, wit, and hu-
mour Certainly stand unrivalled. If any one wishes
to know what wit and humour are, let him read
Hudibras- with attention ; for every ingredient of wit,
or of humour, which critics have discovered on dis-
secting them, may be found in this Poein.

HUUIBRAS.

PART I.

CANTO I.

THE ARGUMENT.

Sir Hudibras his passing worth,
The manner how he sally'd forth ;
His arms and equipage are shown ;
His horse's virtues and his own.
Th' adventure of the bear ^nAjiddlf^
Is sung, but breaks otf in the middle^

WHEN civil (a) dudgeon first grew high,
And men fell out they knew not why ;
"When hard words, jealousies, and fears,
Set folks together by the ears.
And made them fight, like mad or drunk,
For dame Religion as for punk;
Whose honesty they all durst swear for.
Though not a man of them knew wherefore:
When gospel-trumpeter, surrounded
With long-ear'd rout, to battle sounded,
And pulpit, drum ecclesiastic,
Was beat with fist, instead of a stick :
Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling,
And out he rode a colonelling.

A wiglit he was, whose very sight would
'Entitle hini Mirror of Knighthood ;
That never bow'd his stubborn knee
To any thing but chivalry ;
A

^

2 HUDIBUAS.

Nor put up blow, but that which laid
liight worshiprul on shoulder-blade:
Chief of donu'Stic kiiights and errant,
Blither for chartel or for wan-ant :
Great on the bench, great in the saddle,
That (b) could as well bind o'er as swaddle j
JMighty he was at both of these,
And stj I'd of war as well as peace :
(So some rats, of amphibious nature.
Are either for the land or water.)
l}ut here our authors make a doubt.
Whether he were moi-e wise or stout.
Some hold the one, and some the other ;
But, howsoe'er they make a pother,
The diff 'rence was so small, his bi-ain
Outweigh'd his rage but hali' a grain :
Which made some take him for a tool,
That knaves do w ork'with, call'd a fool.
Por't has been held by many, that
As Montaigne (c), playing with his cat,
Complains she thought him but an ass,
Much more she would Sir Hudibras:
(For that's ihe name our valiant Knight
To all his challenges did write.)
But they're mistaken very much ;
'Tis plain enough he was not sucli.
We grant, altho' he liad much wit,
H* was very shy of using it;
As being loth to wear it out.
And therefore bore it not about ;
Unhss on holidays, or so.
As men their best upparel do-
Beside, 'tis known he could speak Greek
As natural! y as pigs squeak;
Tliat Latin was no more difficile.
Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle.
Being rit h in both, he never scanted
liis bounty unto such as wanted;
But much of either would afford
7 o Dis.ny that had not one word.

PART I. CANTO I. 3

For Hebrew roots, altho' they're found

"to flourish most in barren ground, PO

He had such plenty, as sufRc'd

To make some (d) think him circumcis'd :

And truly so lie was, perhaps;

Not as a proselyte, but for claps.

He was in logic a great critic, 65

Profoundly skilled in (e) anahtic;
He could distinguish and divide
A hair 'twixt south and south- west side ;
On either which he would dispute,
Confute, change hands, and still confute. 7ft

He'd undertake to prove, by force
Of argument, a man's no horse.
He'd prove a buzzard is no tbwl,
And that a lord n)ay be an om 1,
A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, 75

And rooks committee-men and trustees.
He'd run in debt by disputation,
And pay with i-atiocination.
All this by syllogism, true
In mood and figure, he would do. 80

For rhetoric, he could not ope
His mouth, but out there flew a trope ;
And when he happen'd to break off
1' th' middle of his speech, or cough,
H' bad hard words ready to show why, «5

And tell what rules he did it by :
Else, when with greatest art he spoke,
You'd think he talk'd like other folk.
For all a rhetoi ii-ian's rules

Teach nothing but to name his tools. JSO

But, when he pleas'd to show't, his speech,
In loftiness of sound, was rich ;
A Babylonish (/) dialect.
Which learned pedants much affect.
It was a party-colour'd dress 9$

Of paich'd and pye-ball'd languages:
' Twas English cut on Greek and Latin,
Like fustian heretofore on satin.

* HUDIBRAS.

It had an odd promiscuous tone,

As if h' liad talk'd three pans in one ;

Which made some think, when he did j*abble,

Th' had heard three labourers of Babel;

Or (g) Cerberus himself pronounce

A leash of languages at once.

This he as volubly would vent

As if his stock would ne'er be spent;

And trul)', to siipport that charge,

He had supplies as vast and large:

For he could coin or counterfeit

New w ords, with little or no wit ;

Words, so debas'd and hard, no stone

Was hard enough to touch them on :

And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em,

The igiioi'ant for cinrcnt took 'em ;

That had the (h) orator, who once

Did fill his mouth with pebble stones

When he harangu'd. but known his phrase,

He would have us'd no other ways.

In mathematics he was greater
Than (i) Tycho Brake or Erra rater :
For he, by geometric scale,
Could take the size of pots of ale ;
Resolve, by sines and tur.gents, straight.
If bread or butter wanted weight ;
And wisely tell what hour o' th' day
The clock does strike, by algebra.
Beside, he was a shvex^d p/iilosopher.
And had read ev'ry text and gloss over:
Whate'er the crabbed'st autlior hath,
He understood, b' implicit faith :
Whatever (k) sceptic could enquire for.
For ev'ry why he had a wheretbre ;
Knew more than forty of them do,
As far as words and terms could go;
All which he understood by rote,
And, as occasion serv'd, would qxiote :
No matter whether right or wrong,
They might be either said or sunt.

PART I. CANTO I. D

His notions fitted things so well,

That which was which he could not tell ; 140

But oftentimes mistook the one

For til' othi'V, as great clt-rks have done.

He could (0 reduce all tilings to acts,

And knew their nalur&j by abstracts;

Whert- entitj' and quiddity, 145

The ghosts of defunct bodies, fly;

Where (m) truth in person does appear,

Like words («; congeal'd in noitht:iTi air.

He kmw what's what, and that's as high

As metaphysic wit can Hy. 150

In school-divinity as able

As (o) he that hight Irrefragable;

A second {p) Thomas, or at once

To name them all, another Duns :

Profound in all the nominal 155

And real ways beyond them all ;

For lie a rope of sand could twist

As (9.) tough as learned Sor'tonist ;

And weave line cobwebs, fit for scuU

That's empty when the moon is full ; 160

Such as take lodgings in a head

That's to be let unfurnished.

He could raise scruples dark and nice.

And after solve them in a trice ;

As if divinity had catch'd 165

The itch on purpose to be scratch'd ;

Or, like a mountebank, did wound

And stab herself with doubts profound,

Only to show with how small pain

The sores of laith are cur'd again; 170

Altho' by woeful proof we find

They always leave a scar behind.

He knew (;•) the seat of paradise,

Could tell in what degree it lies ;

And, as he was dispos'd, could prove it 175

Below the moon, or else above it :

What Adam dreamt of, when his biide

Cain« from ber do set in his side i

6 HUDIBRAS.

Whether the devil tempted her
By a W Hifrh-Dutch interpreter: 180

If either of them (0 had a navel:
Who first (?y) made musie malleable:
Whether the serpent, at the Ml,
Had cloven feet, or iion. at all.
All this without a gloss or comment, 385

He could unriddle iu a moment.
In proper terms, sucli as men smatter.
When they throw out. and miss the niatter.

For his religion, it was fit
To match his learning and his wit: 190

'Twas Presbijterian true blue ;
For he was of that stubborn crew
Of errant saints, whom all men grant
To be the trut- church militant ;
Such as do build tiieir faith upon 195

The holy text oipike and gun ;
Decide all controversies by
Ijifallible artillery ;
And prove their doctrine orthodox
By apostolic blows and knocks : 200

Call fire and sword, and desolation,
A godly thorough reformation,
Which always must be carried on,
And still be doing, never done:

As if religion were intended 205

For nothing else but to be mended.
A sect, whose cliief devotion lies
In odd per\ trse antipathies ;
In falling out with that or this.

And finding somewhat still amiss : SIO

More peevish, cross, and splenetic.
Than dog distract, or monkey sick ;
That with more care keep holy-day
The wrong, than others the right way:
Compound for sins they are inclined to, 213

My damning those they have no mind to:
Still so ])erverse and opposite.
As if they worshipp'd God for spite-

PART I. CANTO I. 7

Tte self-same thing they will abhor

One way, and long another for. 220

Free-will they one way disavow;

Another, nothing else allow.

All piety consists therein

In them, in other men all sin.

Kather than fail, they will decry 225

That which they love most tenderly;

Quarrel with minc'd-pies, and disparage

Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge :

Fat pig and goose itself oppose,

And blaspheme custard thro' the nose. 230

Th' apostles of this fierce religion,

Like Mahomefs, {w) were ass and widgeon;

To whom our Knight, by fast instinct

Of wit and temper, was so linkt,

Asif hypocrisy and nonsense ^5

Had got th' advowson of his conscience.

Thus was he gifted and accoutred ;
"VVe mean on th' inside, not the outward ;
That next of all we shall discuss :
Then listen, sir, it follows thus : 240

His tawny beard was tli' equal grace
Both of his wisdom and his face ;
In cut and dye so like a tile,
A sudden view it would beguile :
The upper part thereof was whey ; 245

The nether, orange mix'd with grej'.
This hairy meteor did denounce
The fall of scepti-es and of crowns ;
Witlj grisly type did represent

Declining age of government ; 250

And tell, with hieroglypliie spude,
Its oAvn gi-ave and the state's were made.
Like Sampson's heart-breakers, it grew
In time to make a nation rue ;

Tho' it contributed its own fall. 255

To wait upon the public downfal.
It was (.r) monastic, and did grow
Ih holy orders by strict vow j •

8 HUDIBRAS.

Of rule as sullen and severe

As that of rigid Cordeliere.

' IVas bound to suffer persecution

And martyi*dom with resolution ;

T' oppose itself agrainst the hate

And vengeance of th' incensed state;

In whose defiance it was worn,

Still ready to be pulFd and torn ;

With red-hot irons to be torlur'd ;

llevii'd, and spit upon, and inarlyr'd.

Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast

As long as monarchy should last ;

But when the state should hap to reel,

•'Jwas to submit to fatal steel,

And fall, as it was consecrate,

A sacrifice to fall of state ;

AVhose thread of life the fatal sisters

Did twist together with its whiskers,

And twine so close, that time should never,

In lite or death, their fortunes sever ;

Hut vjth his rusty sickle mow

Uoih down tog<^tlier at a blow.

So learned Taliacotius^ iy) from

The bi-awny part of porter's bum

Cut supplemental noses, which

Would last as long as parent breech;

liut « hen the date of Nock w as out,

Ort" di-opp'd the sympathetic snout.

His back, or rather burthen, show'd,
As if it stoop'd with its own load;
For as -^neat (x) bore his sire
Upon his shoiUders through the fire,
Our Knight did bear no less a pack
Oihis own buttocks on his back;
"Which now had almost got the upper-
Hand of his head, ibr want of crupj>er.
lo poise this equally, he bore
A paunch of the same bulk before;
Which still he had a special care
1 o kiep well cramm'd with thrifty fare;

PART I. CANTO I. "9

As Tvhite-pot, butter-milk, and curd*, -

Such as a country-house aftbrJs; 300

With oilier victual, which anon

We farther shall dilate upon,

When of his hose we come to treat,

The cuphoard where he kept his meat.

His doublet was of sturdy buff, 305

And tho' nat sword-, yet cudqcl-proof ;
Whereby 'twas fitter for his use,
Who fear xl no blows, but such as bruise.

His breeches were of rugged woollen,
And had been at the siege of Hullen ; ^10

To old King Harry so well known.
Some writers held they were his own,
Tho' they were lin'd with many a pi;>ce
Of ammunition bread and cheese,
And fat black-puddings, proper fooH *! i

For warriors that delight in blood.
For, as we said, he always chose
To carry victual in his hose,
That often tempted rats and mice
The ammunition to surprise; 320

And when he put a hand but In
The one or t' other magazine.
They stoutly in defence on't stood,
And from the wounded foe drew blood;
And till til' were storiu'd and bi aten out, 325

Ne'er lelt the fortify'd redoubt.
And tho' ICnights-rrrant, as some think,
Of old did neither eat nor drink,
Because, when thorough deserts vast,
And regions desolate, they past, 330

Wliere belly^imber above ground.
Or under, was not to be fbimd,
Unless they graz'd, there's not one woi^
Of their provision on>ecord;

'Ahitli made some confidently write, 335

Ihey had no stomachs, but to fight.
'Tls false : for (a) Art/uir wore in hall
Rc'j^id uUe like a tarthingal,
A2

to HUDIERAS.

On wliich, witlr shirt puU'd out beliind.

And tke before, Lis good Knights din'd: 340

Though 'twas no table, some suppose,

But a huge pair ot round trunk hose ;

In Tvhich he tarry'd as much meat

As he and all the Knights could eat,

■\Vhtn, laying by their swords and truncheons, 345

They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons.

But let that pass at present, lest

We should forget where we digrest.

As learned authors ose, to whom

We leave it, and to tli' purpose come. 650

His puissant swortl uuto his side,
Kear his undaunted lieart, was ty'd;
"With basket-hilt, that would hold broth.
And serve for fight and dinner both.
In it he melted lead for bullets, 355

To slioot at foes, and sometimes pullet},
To whom he bore so ft 11 a grutch.
He ne'er gave quarter i' any such.
The trenchant blade, (6) Toledo tmsty,
for want of fighting, v, as grown rusty, 360

And ate into itself, for lack
Of somebody to hew and hack.
The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt
'Ihe rancour of its edge had felt;
>"or of the lower end two handful 365

It had devoured, 'ivvas so manful;
Ajid so much scorn'd to lurk in case,
As if it durst not show its face.
In many desperate attempts,

OCwarrants, exigents, contempts, 370

\l had appeared with courage bolder
Than Serjeant Bum invading shoulder.
Oft had it taVn possession,
And pris'ners too, or made them run.

This sword a dagger had t' his page, 375

That was Lut little for his age ;
And therefore waited on him so,
As dwarfs upon Knights-erraLt do.

J>ART I. CANTO I, 11

It was a serviceable tludj^eon,

Eitht r for fighting or for drudging'. 350

"Wlien it had stabb'd, or broke a head,

It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread;

Toast cheese or bacon ; tho' it were

To bait a movise-trap, 'twould not care.

'Twould make e'ean shoes ; and in the earth 385

Set leeks and onions, and so forth.

It had been 'prentice to a brewer.

Where this and more it did endure ;

But Uft the trade, (c) as many more

Have lately done on the same score. 390

In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow,
Two aged pistols he did stow,
Among" the surplus of such moat
As in his hose he could not get.

These would inveigle rats with ih' scent, 395

To forage when the cocks were bent ;
And sometimes catch "em with a snap
As cleverly as th' able st trap.
They were upon hard duty still,
And ev'ry night stood centinel, 400

To guard the magazine i' th' hose
From two-legg'd and from fourlogg'd foes.

Thus clad and fortify'd, Sir Knight
From peaceful home set forth to fight.
But first with nnnble, active force 405

He got on th' outside of his horse ;
For having but one stirrup ty'd
T' his saddle, on the further side,
It was so short, h' had much ado
To reach it with his desp'rate toe : 410

But, after many strains and heaves,
He got up to the saddle-eaves.
From wlunce he vaulted into th' seat,
"With so much vigour, strength, and heat,
That he had almost tumbled over 415

With his own weight, but did recover,
By laj-ing hold on tail and njane.
Which oft he us"d instead of rein.

1^ HiJDIBRAS.

But now we talk of mounting steed,
Eefoie we luithcr do proceed, 420

It doth behove us to say sometliing
or that which bore our valiant buiukin.
The beast was stiirdy, large, and tall,
With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall;
I would say eye ; for h' had but one, 425

As most agree ; tho' some say none.
He was well stay'd, and in his gait
Preserv'd a grave majestic state.
At spur or switch no more he skipt,
Or mended pace, than Spaniai-d whipt : 430

And yet so fiery, he would bound,
As if he griev'd to touch the ground :
That Ctesar^s horse, (d) who, as fame goes,
Had corns upon his feet and toes,
AVas not by half so tender hooft, 435

Id'or tiod upon the ground so soft.
And as that beast would kneel and stoop
(Some write) to lake his ridi r up:
So Hiidibras his ('tis well known)
Would often do to set him down. 440

We shall not need to say what lack
Of leather was upon his back:
For that was hidden under pad,
And breech of Knight gall'd full as bad.
His strutting ribs on both sides show'd 44^

Like furrows he himself had plow'd ;
For underneath the skirt of pannel,
'Twist ev'ry two there was a channeL
His draggling tail hung in the dirt.
Which on his rider he would flirt ; 450

Still as his tender side he prickt,
With arm'd heel, or with unarm'd, kickt;
For Hudlbras wore but one spur,
As wisely knowing, could he stir
To active trot one side of 's horse, 455

The other would not hang an arse.

A squire he had, whose name was Ralph,
Ihat iu tJi' aiUeuture went his Lalf.

PART I. CANTO I. 13

"Tho' writers, for more stately tone.

Do call him Rai/tho, 'tis alt one: 460

And when we can with metre safe,

We'll call him so ; if not, plain Jialph :

(For rhyme the rudder is of verses.

With which, like ships, they steer their courses.)

An equal stock of wit and valour 465

He had laid in, hy birth a taylor.

The mighty "J'jTian queen, (e) that gain'd

With subtle shreds a tract of land,

Did leave it witli a^astlc liair ,

To his great ancestor, her heir; 470

From him deseendrd cruss-.pgg'd knights,

Fam'd for their laith, and warlike tights

Acfainst the bloodj canni .al.

Whom they destroy'd both great and small.

This sturdy squire, he hai, as wi-11 4^5

As the (/) bold Trojan knight, seen hell,

Not with a counterfeited pass

Of golden bough, but true gold-laee.

His knowledge was iiOt Jar behind

The knight's, but of another kind, 430

And he another way came by 't :

Some call \t gifts, and some netu-Ught ;

A libVal art, that costs no pains

Of study, industry, or brains.

His wit was sent him for a token, 485

Rut in the carriage crackt and brokt-n.

Like commendation nine-pence crookt

With— To and from my love— it lookt.

He ne'er consider'd it, as loath

To look a gift-horse in the mouth ; 490

And very wisely would lay tbrth

No more upon it than 'twas worth.

But as he got it fretly. so

He spent it frank and freely too.

For saints themselvps will sometimes be, 405

Of gifts that cost them nothing, five.

By means of tliis, with hem and cough,

Prolonger* to enlightened stuff,

14 HUDIBRAS.

He could deep mj'steries unriddle,

As easily as thread a needle. i09

For as of vagabonds we say,

That they are ne'er b-side their way;

Whate'er men speak by this nexv-light,

Still they are sure to be i' th' right.

'Tis a dark-laiuhorn of the spirit, 505

Which none see by but those that bear it ;

A light that falls down from on high,

For spintual trades to cozen by ;

An ignis fatuus, that bewitches,

And leads men into pools and ditches, 510

To make them dip themselves, and sound

For Chiistendom, in dirty pond ;

To dive like wild-fowl, for salvation.

And fish to catch regeneration.

This light inspires and plays upon 515

The nose of saint, like bag-pipe drone,

And speaks through hollow empty soul,

As through a trunk, or wltisp'ring hole,

Such language as no mortal ear

But spirit'al eaves-droppers can hear : 52t

So Fhcebiis, or some friendly muse.

Into small poets song infuse,

"Which they at second-hand rehearse

Through reed or bag-pipe, verse tor verse.
Thus Ralph became infallible : 525

As (g) three- or four-legg'd oracle,

The ancient cup, or modern chair.

Spoke truth point blank, though unaware.
For mystic learning, wondrous able

In (/*) magic talisman and cabal, 530

Whose primitive tradition reaches

As far (z) as Adam's first green breeches ;

Deep-sighted in intelligences,

Ideas, atoms, infiuences;

And much of Terra Incognita, 535

Th' intelligible world, could say;

A deep occult philosopher.

As learu'd ik) as the -wild Irish arc,

PART I. CANTO U 15

©r Sir Agrippa. (I) for profound

And solid lying much renown'd: 540

He (ni) Ant/troposophus, and Floud,

And Jacob Behmen understood :

Knew many an amulet and charm,

That would do neither good nor harm :

In Roskrucian (ii) lore as learned, 545

As he that veri adeptus earned:

He understood the speech of birds

As Well as they themselves do words:

Could tell wliat subtlest /(ojvo^j mean,

That speak and think contrary clean : 550

What member 'tis of whom they talk

"When they ery Rope, and Walk, knave, walk.

He'd extract numbers out of matter,

And keep them in a glass, like water ;

Of sov'reign power to make men wise; 555

For, dropt in blear, thick-sighted eyes.

They'd make them see in darkest night.

Like owls, though purblind in the light.

By help of these (as he profest)

He had first matter seen undrest: 56Q

He took her naked all alone.

Before one rag of form was on.

The chaos too he had descry'd.

And seen quite thro', or else he ly'd:

Not that of pasteboard, which men shew 565

For groats, at fair of Barthol'mew ;

But its great grandsire, first o' th' name,

AVheuce that and reformation came.

Both cousin-gei-mans, anti right able

T' inveigle and draw in the rabble, 570

But reformation was, some say,

O' th' younger house to puppet-play.

He coukl furetel whats'ever was

By consequence to come to pass:

As death of great men, alterations, 575

Diseases, battles, inundations:

All this without th' eclipse o' th' sinij

Or dreadful cuinet, h« bath done

16 HUDIBRAS. .

By inward light, a way as good,

And easy to be understood ; 580

But with more lucky hit than those

That use to make the stars depose.

Like knights o' tli' post, and falsely charge

Upon themselves what othei-s forge :

As if they were consenting to 585

All mischiefs in the world men do;

Or, like the devil, did tempt and sway 'em

To I'ogueries; and then betray 'em.

They'll search a planet's house, to kncvvf

Who broke and robb'd a house below ; 590

Examine Venus and the Moon^

Who stole a thimble or a spoon :

And tho' they nothing will o.'nfess,

Yet by their very looks can guess,

And tell what guilty aspect bodes, 595

Who stole, and who receiv'd the goods.

They'll question Mars, and, by his look,

Detect who 'twas that nimin'u a cloke:

Make Mercury confess, and 'peach

Those thieves which he himself did teach. 600

They'll find, i' th' physiognomies

O' th' planets, all men's destinies ;

Like him that took the doctor's bill,

And s wallow'd it instead o' th' pill ;

Cast the nativity o' th' question, 605

And form positions to be guest on,

As sure as if they knew the moment

Of native's birth, tell what will come on't.

They'll feel the pulses of the stars.

To ftnd out agues, coughs, catarrhs ; 610

And tell what crisis does divine

The rot in sheep, or mange in swine ;

In men, what gives or cures the itch,

V/hat makes them cuckolds, poor or rich ;

What gains or loses, hangs or saves ; 615

What makes men great, what fools or knaves.

But not what wise; for only' of those

7'he stars (they say) cannot dispose,

PART I. CANTO L 17

No more than can the asti-ologians.

Tliere they say right, and like true Trojans. £20

This Ralpho knew, and therefore took

The other course, of which we spoke.

Thus was til' acconiplish'd squire endu'd
With gifts and knowledge, per'lous shrewd.
Never did trusty squire with knight, 625

Or knight with squire e'er jump more right.
Their arms and equipage did fit,
As well as virtues, parts, and wit :
Their valours too were of a rate,
And out they sally'd at the gate. 630

Few miles on horseback had they jogged,
But fortune unto iliem turn'd dogged ;
For tliey a sad adventure met,
Of which anon we mean to treat ;
•But ere we venture to unfold 635

Achievements so resolv'd and bold,
We should, as learned poets use.
Invoke th' assistance of some muse ;
However critics count it sillier

I'hari jugglers talking to familiar : 640

We think 'lis no great matter which,
They're all alike, yet we shall pitch
On one that fits our purpose most,
Whom therefore thus do we accost.

Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, 645

Didst inspire IVithers, Pryn, (o) and Vickars,
And force (hem, tho' it was in spite
Of natui-e, and their stars, to write;
Who, as we find in sullen writs,
And cross-grain'd works of modern wits, tSO

With vanity, opinion, want.
The wonder of the ignorant,
The praises of the author, penn'd
B' himself, or wit-iusuring friend;
'Ihe itch of picture in the front, 655

With bays and wicked rhyme upon't;
All that is left o' th' forked hill,
To malvc men scribble without skill ;

18 HUDIBRAS.

Canst make a poet, spite of fate,

And teach all people to translate ; 660

Tho' out of languages, in wliich

They uiulerstand no part of speech :

Assist me but this once, I 'mplore.

And I shall trouble thee no more.

In western clime there is a town, (B6S

To those that dwell therein well known,
Therefore there neetls no more be said her*,
We unto them refer our reader :
For bre^ ity is very good,

When w' are or are not understood. 670

To this town people did repair
On days of market, or of Ihir ;
And to ci-ack'd fiddle and hoarse tabor,
In nu-rriment did drudge and labour.
But now a sport more formidable 675

Had rak'd together village rabble :
'Twas an old way of recreating,
Which learned butchers call bear-ltaiting :
A bold advent'rous exercise.

With ancient heroes in high prize : 68§

For authors do affirm it came
From isthmian or Nemean game:
Others derive it from th«/ bear
That's fix'd in northern hemisphere.
And round about the pole does make 685

A circle like a bear at stake,
That, at the chain's end wheels about,
And overturns the i-abble rout:
lor after solemn proclamation

In the bear's name (as is the fashion 690

According to the law of arms,
To keep men from inglorious harms).
That none presume to come so near
As forty foot of stake of bear ;

If any yet be so fool-hardy, 695'

T' expose themselves to vain jcopai-dy ;
If they come wounded oft", and lame,
No honcurs got by such a maim,

PART I. CANTO I. 19

Altho' the bear gain much, b'ing bound

In lionour to make good his ground, 700

When he's engag'd, and takes no notice,

It' any press upon him, who 'tis;

But lets thera know, to their own cost,

That he intends to keep his post.

This to prevent, and other harms, 705

Which always wait on feats of arms

(For in the hurry of a fray,

'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way),

I'hither the Knight his course did stt er,

To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear: 710

As he believ'd he was bound to do

In conscience and commission too.

And therefore thus bespoke the squire:

We tliat (/j) are wisely mounted higher
Than ct^nstables in curule wit, 7l5

When on tribunal oench we sit,
Like spec\ilators should f(M*tsee,
From Pharos of authority.
Portended mischiefs farther than
Low Proletarian tything-men. 720

And therefore being inform'd by bruit
The dog and bear are to dispute ;
For so of late men fighting ikame,
Because they often prove the same
(For where the first does hap to be, 725

The last does coincidere) ;
Quantum in Jiobis, have thought good.
To save th' expence of Christian blood,
And try if we by mediation

Of treaty and accommodation, 730

Can end the quarrel, and compose
The bloody duel, without blows.
Are not our liberties, our lives.
The laws, religion, and our wive*,
Enough at once to lie at stake, 735

For cov'nant and the cause's sake? ''
But in that quarrel dogs and bears, '
As well as we, should venture theirs ?

20 HUDIBRAS.

This feud, by Jesuits invented,

By evil counsel is (omen ted ; 74C

Tliere is a Macldaveiian plot

(Tho' every nare o'.fact it not),

A deep design in't to divide

The well-affected that confide,

By setting brotiier against brother, 745

To claw and curry one another.

Have we not enemies l)lus satis.

That cane & angue pejus hate us?

And shall we turn our fangs and claws

Upon our own selves without cause? 750

That some occult design doth iie

In bloody (f/) cynarctoinachy.

Is plain enough to him that knows

How saints lead brothers by the nose.

I wish myself a pseudo-prophet, 755

But sure some mischief will come of it;

Unless l)y providt ntial wit,

Or force, wc (') averruncate it.

For what design, what interest

Can beast have to encounter beast I 760

They fight for no espoused cause.

Frail privilege, fundamental laws,

Nor for a thorough reformation,

Nor covenant, nor protestation,

Nor liberty of consciences, 7J55

Nor Lords and Commons' ordinances ;

Nor for the church, nor for church-lauds,

To get them into their own hands;

Nor evil counsellors to bring

To justice, that seduce the king ; 770

Nor for the worship oi" us men,

Tho' we have done as much for them.

Th' Egyptians worshipp'd dogs, and fot

Their faith made internecine war.

Otliers ador'd a rat, and some 775

For that church sufier'd martyrdom.

The (*) Indians fought for the truth

Of ih' elephant aud monkey's tooth ;

PART I. CANTO I. £1

And many, to defend that faith,

Fought it out mordicus to death : 780

But no beast ever was so slight,

For man, as for his God, to figlit.

They have more wit, aias ! and know

Themselves and us better than so.

But we, who only do infuse 785

The rage in tliem like (t) boiite-feus;

'Tis our example that instils

In them th' infection of our ills.

For, as some late philosophers

Have well observ'd beasts, that converse 790

"With man, take after him, as hogs

Get pigs all th' year, and bitches dogs :

Just so, by our example, cattle

Learn to give one another battle.

We read, in Nerd's time, the Heathen, t^5

When they destroyM the Christian brethren.

They sew'd them in the skins of bears,

And then set dogs about their ears :

From thence, no doubt, th' invention came

Of this lewd antiehristian game. SCO

To this quoth Ralpho^ Verily,
The point seems verj' plain to me :
It is an antichiistian game.
Unlawful both in thing and name.
First, for the name : the word bear-baiting 805

Is carnal, and of man's creating;
For certainly there's no such word
In all the scripture on record:
Therefore unlawful, and a siu;

And so is (secondly) the thing. 810>^

A nle assembly 'tis, that can
Ko more be pro\'d by scripture, than
Provincial, classic, national,
jpvlere human-creatui-e cobwebs all.
Thirdly, it is idolatrous ; 815

For when men run a-whoring thus
With their inventions, whatsoe'er
The thing be, whether dog or bear,

22 HUDIBRAS.

It is idolatrous and pagan,

No less than worsliipping of Dagon. 830

<^aoth Hudibroi, I smell a. rat;
Ealpho, thou dost prevaricate;
For tho' the thesis which thou lay'st
Be true ad amusshn, as thou say'st ;
(For that bear-baiting should appear 8p5

Jure divino lawfuller
Than synods are, thou dost deny,
Totidem verbis ; so do 1 ;)
Yet there's a fallacy in this ;

For if by sly homceosis, S30

Tiisns pro crepitu, an art
Under a cough to slur a f— -t,
Tho.! wouldst sophistieally imply.
Both are unlawful, I deny.

And I (quoth Ralpho) do not doUbt S35

But bear-baiting may be made out
In gospel times, as lawful as is
Provincial or parochial classis ;
And that both are so near of kin.
And like in all, as well as sin, S<10

That put 'era in a bag, and shake 'em,
Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'em,
And not know which is which, unless
You measure by their wickedness :
For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether 845

O' th' two is worst, tho' I name neither.

Quoth Hudibras, thou offer'st much,
But art not able to keep touch.
Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage,
Id esi, to make a leek a cabbage ; 85^

Thou wilt at best but suck a bull,
Or shear swine, all cry and no wool :
For, what can synods have at all
With bear that's analogical ?

Or what relation has debating S55

Of church affairs with bear-baiting.'
A just comparison still is

Of things ejusdem generis.

PART I. CANTO I. 23

Aud tlien, what genus rightly doth

Include and comprehend them both? 860

If animal, both of us may

As justly pass for bears as they ;

For we are animals no less, .

Altlio' of diff'rent specieses.

But, llalphoy this is not fit place 865

Nor time to argue out the case :

For now the field is not far off

WlitTe Me must give tiie world a proof

Of deeds, not words, and such as suit

Another manner of dispute: 870

A controversy that affords

Actions for arguments, not words ;

Which we must manage at a rate

Of prowess and conduct adequate

To what our place and fame doth promise, 875

And all the godly expect from us.

Nor shall they be deceiv'd, unless

We're slurr'd and outed by success:

Success, the mark no mortal wit,

Or surest hand, can always hit : 880

For whatioe'er we perpetrate,

We do but row, we're steer'd by Fate,

W^hich in success oft disinherits,

For spurious causes, noblest merits.

(Jreat actions are not always true sons 885

Of great and mighty resolutions:

Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth

Events still equal to their worth ;

But sometimes fail, and, in their stead.

Fortune and cowardice succeed. 800

Yet we have no great cause to doubt,

Our actions still have borne us out ;

Which, though they're known to be so ample,

We need not copy from example :

We're not the only persons durst ^5

Attempt this province, nor the first.

In northern clime, a val'rous knight

Did whiloiB kill his bear m fight,

24 HUDIBRAS.

And wound a fiddler: We have both

Of these the objects of our wroth, 900

And equal fame and glory from

Til' attempt or victory to come.

*Tis sung, there is a valiant (a) Mamaluke.

In foreign land yclep'd ;

To whom we have been oft compar'd 905

For pei"son. parts, address, and beard ;

Bot>i equally reputed stout,

And in the same cause both have fought :

He oft in such attempts as these

Came off with glory aud success ; 910

Nor will we I'ail in th' execution,

For want of equal resolution.

Hor.our is like a (w) widow, won

V/itli brisk attempt and putting on,

With ent'ring manfully, and urging, 915

Not sloAv approaches, like a virgin.

This said, as yerst the Phrygian knight,
So ours, with rusty steel did smite
His Ti-ojan horse, and just as much
He mended pace upon the touch ; 920

But from his empty stomach groan'd
Just as that hollow l>east did sound,
And angry answcr'd from behind,
With brandish 'd tail and blast of wind :
So have I se<r-n, with armed heel, 925

A wight bestride a common-weal ;
While still the more he kiek'd and spurrd,
The less the sullen jade has stirr"d.

PART I. CANTO IJ

THE ARGUMEX 1 ,

The catalogue and charactor
Of th' enemies' best men of war ;
Whom, in a bold liarangue, the Kiiij^i-
Defies, aad challenges to fight.
H' encountf rs Taigol, routs the Bea;-,
And takes the Fiddler prisoner,
Conveys him to eJichanted tastle ;
There shuts him fast in wooden basti!(:

THERE was an ancient sage philosopher,

Tliat had read Alexander Fois ovt r,

And swore the world, as he could pyove,

Was made of fighting and of love :

Just so romances are; for what else

Is in them all, but love and battl ,s ?

O' th' first of thf se we've no grt f«t matter

To treat of, but a world o' th' latter;

In which to do the injur'd right

VV'e mean, in what concerns just fight.

Certes our authors are to blame.

For to make some well-sounding name

A pattern fit for mi dcrn Knights

To copy out in frajs and fights;

J.ike those that a whole stri-et do raze

To build a palace in the place.

'I'hey never care how many others

Tlu-y kill, without regard of mothers,

Or wives, or children, so they can

Make up some fii-rce, dead-doing man,

Compos'd of many ingredient valours,

lust like the manhood ofni^te taylors.

So u wi'd Tartar, win n he spies

A man that's handsome, valiant, v is^e,

-6 HUDIBRAS.

IT lie can kill him. thinks t' inherit 25

His wit, his beauty, and his spirit ;

As if just so much he enjoy'd

As in another is destroy'd.

For when a giant's slain in fight,

And mow'd o'erthwart, or cleft downright, 30

It is a heavy case, no doubt,

A man should have his brains beat out

Because he's tall, and has large bones,

As men kill beavers for their stones.

But as for our part, we shall tell 35

The naked truth of what befel ;

And as an equal friend to both

The Knight and Bear, but more to troth,

"VVith neither faction shall take part,

Eut give to each his due desert ; 40

And never coin a formal lie on't.

To make the Knight o'ercorae the giant.

This b'ing protest, we've hopes enough,

And now go on where we left off.

They rode ; but authors having not 45

I>etennin'd w hether pace or trot
(That is to say, whether (a) tollutation,
As they do terra 't, or succusation},
M'e leave it, and go on. as now

Suppose they did, no matter how; SO

Yet some from subtle hints have got
iviysterious light, it was a trot :
But let that pass : they now begun
To spur their living engines on :
for as whipp'd tops, and bandy'd ball?, 53

The learned hold, are animals;
■So horses they affirm to be
?*Iere engines made by geometry ;
And Avere invented first from engines,
As (y) Indian Britons were from Penguins. W

So let them be : and, as I was saying,
They their live engines ply"d, not staying
Until they reach'd the fatal cliampain,
Which ik' eaeroy did then encaimp on:

PART I. CANTO II. 27

The (s) dire Pharsalian plain, wIh re battle 65

Was. to be wag'il 'twixt puissant cattle,

And fierce auxiliary men,

That came to aid their brethren,

Who now began to take the field.

As Knight from ridge of steed beheld. 70

For as our modei-n wits behold,

Mounted a pick-back on the old, ■

Much further off, much further he,

Rais'd on his aged beast, could see;

Yet not sufficient to desciy : 5

All postures of the enemy ;

Whert-fore he bids the squire ride further,

T' observe their nuiiibi-rs, and their order;

That when their motions he had known,

He might kiiow how to fit his own. 80

Meanwhile lie stopp'd4iis wiiling steed,

To fit himsv If for martial deed :

Both kinds ol' metal he prt j-ar'd.

Either to givt blows, or to waid :

Courage and steel, both of great force, 85

Ptepar'd tor better, or for worse.

His death-charg'd pistols he did fit well.

Drawn out from life-preserving vittle.

These being prim'd. with force he labour'd

To free 's sword froni retentive scabbard ; e©

And, afti r many a painful pluck,

From rusty durance he balFd tuck:

Then shook himself, to see that prowess

In scabbard of his arm sat loose ;

And, rais'd upon his desp'rate foot, 95

On stirrup-side he gaz'd about,

Portending blood, like blazing star,

The beacon of approaching war.

Ralpho rode on v, ith no less speed

Than Hugo in the tbrest did ; 100

But far more in returning made ;

For now the foe he had survey'd,

Bang'd as to him they did appear.

With van, main battle, wings, and re?.r.

28 HUDIBRAS- ]

Tth' head of all this warlike rabble, l«5 I

Croxvdevo tnarch'cl. expert and able. ^

Instead of trumpet and of 'Jrurn, j

That makes the warriors stomach come,

Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beev ,

By thunder turn'd to vineg^ar, 110 ',

(For if a trumpet sound, or drum beat,

"Who has not a month's mind to combat ?) \

A squeaking engin«- he appl)- 'd \

Unto his u. ek, on no lli-east side, \

Just where the hangman does dispose, 115 J

To special friends, the knot of noose :, I

For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straight \

Dispatch a friend, let othei-s wait. ^

His warped ear hung o'er the strings,

Which was but souse to chitterlings: 130 i

For guts, some write, e'er they are sodden. 1

Are fit for musie, or for pudden ;

From wht nee men borrow ev'ry kind '.

Of minstrels} , by string or wind. i

His grisly 'leard was long and thick, 125

W"ith which lie strung his fiddlf'-stick; ;

For he to horse-tail sciirn'd to ow^e, i

For what on his own chin did giow. ;

Chiron, (n) the lour-!egg'd bard had botn

A beard and tail or" his own growth; 150

And yet h\ authors 'tis averr'd i

He made use only of his 'leard. • '

In (6) Staffordshire, wliere virtuous worth 1

Does raise thi minst!- by, not birtli ; •

Whei'e bulls do ciiusi tlie boldest king 135 '

And x-uler o'lr the men of string '

(As once in Persia, 'tis said.

Kings were protlairi.'d by a horse that neigh 'd},

He, bravely venturing at a crow 11, <

By chance of war was beaten down, 140 \

And wounded sore. His leg then broke i

Had got a deputy of oak : ;

For when a shin in fight is cropp'd, |

The knee with one of timber's pronp'd, !

PART I. CANTO II. 2&

^ t
EsteemM more honomable than the other, 145

And takes placi , tho' the younger brother.

Next marih'd brave Orsh}, famous lor
Wise coniiuct. and success in war:
A skiltui \< ader, stout, severe,

Sow marshal to the cliampion bear. 150

With truncheon, tijjp'd w ith iron head.
The warrior to the lists he led ;
With solemn march and stately pace,
But lar more gi-ave and solemn face:
Grave (>) as the Empeior of Pegu, 155

Or Spanish potentate Don Diego.
This leader was of knowledge great,
Either tiur charge or for retreat.
He knew when to fall on pell-mell;
To fall back and retreat as w^li : 160

So lawyersj lest the bear defendant,
And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't,
Do stave and tail with writs of error,
Reverse of judgment, and demurrer.
To let them breathe awhile, and then 1^5

Cry whoop, and set them on agen.
As Romulus a wolf did rear,
So he was drj-nurs'd by a bear.
That fed him with the purchased prey
Of many a fierce and bloody fray ; 170

Bred up, where discipline most rare is,
In military Garden Paris.
For soldiers heretofore did grow
In gardens, just as weeds do now.
Until some splay-foot politicians 175

T' Apollo offer'd up petitions,
For licensing a new invention
Ihey'd found out of an antique engine,
To root out all the weeds that grow
In public gardens at a blow, ' 180

And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun,
My friends, that is not to be done.
Not done ! quoth Statesmen ; yes, an't please ye,
When it's once known, you'll say 'tis easy.

so HUDIBRAS.

Why then let's know it, quoth Apollo. 1S5

We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow.

A drum! (quoth Phcebus); troth, that's true;

A pretty invention, quaint and new.

But though of voice and instrument

We arc th* undoubted president, 190

We such loud music don't profess:

The devil's master of that office.

Where it must pass, if 't be a drum ;

He'll sign it with Cler. Pari. Dom. Com.

To him apply youi-selves, and he lO**'-

Will soon dispatch you for his fee.

Thf y did so ; but it prov'd so ill,

Th' had better let 'em grow there still.

But to resume what we discoursing

Were on before, that is, stout Qrnn ; 200

That which so dft, by sundry writers,

Has been apply'd t' almost all fighters,

More justly may b' ascrib'd to this,

Than any other warrior, (viz.)

None e^er acted both parts buldiT, 205

Both of a chieftain and a soldier.

He was of great descriit, and high

For splendour and antiquity ;

And from celestial oricine

Deriv'd himself in u right line : 210

Not as the ancient heroes did,

AVho, that their base-births might be hid

(Knowing tht-y were of doubtful gender,

And that they came in at a windore).

Made Jupiter himself, and others 215"

O' th' gods, gallants to their own mothers,

To get on them a race of champions

(Of which old Homer first made lampoons).

Arctophylax. in northern sphere,

Was his undoubted ancestor; 220 -

From him his great orefathers came,

And in all ages bore his ame.

Learn'd he was in raed'c'nal lore ;

For by his side a pouch he wore,

PART L CANTO II. 51

Replete with strange hermetic powder, S25

That wounds nine miles point-blank would soldet;

By skilful chemist, with g^-eat cost,

Extracted from a rotten post ;

But of a heav'nlier influence

Than that which mountebanks dispense ; 230

Tho' by Piometlieau fire made,

As they do<quack that drive that trade.

For as, when slovens do amiss

At others' doors, by stool or piss.

The learned write, a red-hot spit 255

B^^g prudently apply'd to it,

Will-^nvey nuscliitf fi-om tlie dung

Unto tlie part that did the wrong.

So this did healing ; and as sure

As that did mischief, this would care. 240

Thus virtuous Orsin was eudu'd
With learning, conduct, 'ortitude,
Incomparable : and as the prince
Of po. ts, Homer, sung long since,
A skilful leech is better far 245

Than half a hundred men of war,
So he appear'd, and by his skill,
No less than dint of sword, could kill.

The gallant Bruin march'd next him,
With visage formidably grim, 350

And rugged as a Saracen,
Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin ;
Clad in a mantle dtlla guerre
Of rough impenetrable fur ;

And in his nose, like Indian King, 255

He wore, for ornament, a ring ;
About his neck a threefold gorget,
As rough as trt-bled leathern target ;
Armed, as heralds cant, and langued,
Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged. -60

For as the teeth in beasts of prey
Are swords, with which they fight in fray:
So swords, in men of war, are teeth,
Which they do eat their victual with*

3il HUDIBRAS.

He was by birth, some authors write,

A Russian, some a Muscovite,

Ami "mong the Cossacks had been bred,

Of whom we iu diurnals read,

That serve to fill up pages here,

As with tlieiv bodies ditches there.

Scrimansky was his eousin-german,

With whom lie serv'd, and fed on vermin ;

And when th- se fail'd, he'd suck his claws,

And quarter himself upon his paws.

And iho' his countrymen, the HunS;

Did stew their meat between their bums

And th' horses' backs o'er which they straddle.

And ev'ry man eat up h's saddle;

He was not halV so nice as they.

But eat it raw when 't came in 's way.

He had trac'd countries far and near,

JNIore th in Le Blnnc the traveller ;

Who wi-ites. he spou&'d in India,

Of noble house, a lady gay,

.\nd got on her a race of worthies.

As stout as any upon eartli is.

Full many a fight for him between

Talgol and Orsin oil had been ;

lOach striving to deserve the crown

Of a sav'd citizen : tlie one

To guard his bt ar ; the other fought

'I'o aid his dog; both made more stout

By scv'ral spurs of neighbourhood,

Church-fellow-mcrabership, and blood }

But Talgol, mortal foe to cows,

Xevcr got aught of him but blows ;

Blows, hard and heavy, such as he

Had lent, repaid with usury.

Yet Talgol was of courage stout,
And vanquish'd oft'ner than he fouglit
fnur'd to labour, sweat, and toil,
And like a champion slion-i with oil.
Right many a widow his keen blade,
And many fatherless, had made.

PART I. CANTO II. 33

He man}' a boar and huge dun-cow 305

Did, like another Ginj, o'erthrow:

But Guy with him in fight compar'd,

Had like the boar or dun-cow fard.

With greater troops of sheep h' had fought

Than Ajax or bold Don Qidxote ; 310

And many a serpent of fell kind,

With wings before, and stings behind,

SubduM: as poets say, long agone

Bold Sir George St. Gtorge did the dmgon.

Nor eiigiue, nor device polemic, 315

Distase, nor doctor epidemic,

Tlio' stor'd with deletevy med'cines

(Which whosoever took is dead since),

E'er sent so vast a colony

To both the under worlds as he: 320

For he was of that noble trade

That demi-gods and heroes made.

Slaughter and knocking on the head;

1 Iw: trade to which they all Wrre bred ;

And is, like others, glorious when 325

'Tis grea and large, but base if mean.

The former rides in triumph for it ;

'I'he latter in a two-wheel'd chariot,

For daring to profane a thing

So sacred v.ith vile bungling. 330

Next these the brave Mngnano came j
Magnano, great in martial fame ;
Yet when with Or sin he wag'd tight,
'Tis said, he got but little by "t.
Yet he was fierce as forest boar, 335

Wliose spoils upon his back he wore,
As thick as Ajax'' seven-fold shield,
Which o'er his brazen arms he held :
But brass was feeble to resist

The fury of his armed fist ; 340

Nor could thve haixlest ir'n hold out
Against his blows, but they would through't.

In magic he was deeply read,
As he that made the brazen head ;
B2

S4 HUDIBRAS.

Profoundly skiU'd in the black art, 345 ;

As English Merlin for his heart ; ',

But far more skilful in the spheres •

Than he was at the sieve and shi ars. i
He could transform lumself in colour

As like the devil as a collier ; 350

As like as hjT)Ocrites in show ;;

Are to true saints, or crow to crow. ^

Of rvarlike engines he was author,

Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter; I

The cannon, blunderbuss, and sakei-, 355 i

He was th' inventor of, and maker: ■]
The trumpet, and the kettlt-drura,

Did both from liis invention come. '

He was the first that e'er did leach ]

To make, and how to stop, a breach. 360 '>

A lance he bore with iron pike ; \

Th' one half would thrust, the other sti-ike ; ^
And when their forces he had join'd,

He scoin'd to turn his parts behind. ,i

He Trulla lov'd ; Trulia, more bright 365 ]

Than burnish'd armour of her knight : •
A bold \irago, stoUt and tall.
As (d; Joan of France, or English Mall.

Thro' perils both of wind and limb, i

Thro' thick and thin, she follow'd him^ 370 i

In ev'iy adventure h' undertook, j

And never him or it forsook. j

At breach of wall, or hedge surprize, j

She shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize : -!

At beating quarters up, or forage, 375 ',
Behav'd herself with matchless courage ;

And laid about in fight more busily j

Than th' (e) Ama^^onian dame Penthesile. j

And tho' some critics here crj' shame, ;

And say our authors are to b ame, 380
That (spite of all philosophers.

Who hold no females stout, but bears ; |

And heretofore diJ so ablior |

That women should pretend to wai*, ,^

PART I. CANTO II. 35

TTiey would not suffer the stout'st dame 385

To swear (/) by Hercules'^ s name)

Make feeble ladies, in their works,

To fight like termagants and Turks ;

To lay their native arms aside.

Their modesty, and ride astride ; 390

To run a-tilt at men, and wield

Tlieir naked tools in open field;

As stout ig) Armida, bold Thalestris,

And she that would have been the mistress

Ofih) Guudibert ; but he had grace, 395

And rather took a country lass:

They say, 'tis false, without all sense,

But of pernicious consequence

To government, which they suppose

Could never be upheld in prose: 409

Strip nature naked to the skin,

You'll find about her no such thing.

It may be so ; yet what we tell

Of Trulia, that's iniprobables

Shall be depos'd by those who've seen't, 405

Or, what's as good, produc'd in print :

And if they will not take our word,

We'll prove it true upon record.

Ihe upright Cenlon next advaac't,
Of all his race the valiant'st : , 418

Cerdon the Great, renown'd in song,
Like Hercules, for re pan- of wrong :
He rais'd the low, and iortify'd
The weak against the strongest side :
111 has he read, that never hit 415

On him in muses' deathless writ.
He had a weapon keen and fierce.
That through a bull-hide shield would pierce,
And cut it in a thousand pieces,
Tho' tougher than the Knight of Greece his, 420
With whom his black-thumb'd ancestor
Was comrade in the ten years' war :
For when the restless Greeks sat down
So many years before Troy town,

36 HUDIBRAS.

And were renown'd, as Homer writes,

For well-sol'd boots uo less than fights,

They ow'd that glory only to

His ancestor, that made them so.

Fast friend he was to R'/orvtailon,

Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion.

Next rectifier of wi-y Laiv,

And would make three to cure one flaw.

Learned he was, and could take note,

Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote.

But Preaching was his chiefest talent,

Or argument, in which Inng valiant,

He us'd to lay about and stickle.

Like ram or bull, at conventicle:

For disputants, like rams and bulls,

Do fight with ax-ms that spring from scuUs.

Last Colon came, bold man of war,
Destin'd to blows by fatal star ;
Right ex])ert in command of horse ;
But cruel, and without remorse.
That which ofCentaui Ipng ago
>Vas said, and has been wn sted to
Some other knights, was true of this ;
He and his horse were of a piece.
One spirit did inform them both ;
The self-same vigour, fury, wroth:
Yet lie was much the rougher part,
And always had a harder heart,
Aliho' his horse had bet-n of those
That feed on man's flesh, as fame goes.
Strange food for horse! and yet, alas I
It may be true, tor flesh is grass.
Sturdy he was, and no less able
Than Hercules to clean a stable ;
As gi-eat a dro\er, and as grtat
A critic too, in hog or neat.
He ripp'd the womb up of his mother.
Dame Teilus, 'cause she wanted fother
And provender wherewith to feed
Himself, and his less cruel steed.

PART I. CANTO II. 37

It was a question, whether he 465

Or *s horse wt-re oi a faiinly

Mor. worshipful: 'till antiquaries

(Aiti r th' had al nost porM out their eyes)

Did vtry learnedly decide

Tlu^ business on the horse's side; 470

And prov'd not only horse, but cows,

Nay, pigs, were ot'the t ld<-r house :

For beasts, when ma'i was but a piece

Of earth himse!f,>did th' earth possess.

These worthies were the chief that led 475

The combatants, each in the head
Of his command, with arms and rage,
Ready and longing to engage.
The numerous rabble was drawn out
Of sev'ral counties rouu>i about. 480

From vilhigts remote, and shnes,
Of rast and western heniispheres ;
From foreign parishes and regions.
Of different manners, speech, i-eligions,
Came men and mastiffs; som- to tight 485

For fame and honour, some ibr sight.
And now the field of death, the lists,
Were-enter'd by antagonists,
And blooil was ready to be broacli'd,
When Hudibras in haste approach'd, 490

With Squire and weapons to attacii 'em :
But first titus from his horse bespake "em :

Wliat rage, O citizens ! what lury
Doth you to these dire actions iiurrv ?
What (0 CEstrum. what phrenttr .nood, 495

Jlakes you thus lavish of your blood,
While the proud Vies your trophies boast,
And unreveng'd walks lValler''s ghost ?
Wh.,t towns, what garrisons might you
With hazai-d of this blood suixlr.e, 500

Which now y' are bent to throw away
In vain, untriumphable fray ?
Shall Saints in ci\il bloodshed wallow
Of Saints, and let the Cause lie fallow ?

38 HUDIBRAS.

The Cause, for which we fouglit and swore 505^

So boldly, shal! we now give o'er ?

Then, because qtiariels still are seen

With oaths ami swearings to begin,

The Solemn League and Covenant

Will seem a mere Gud-dam-me rant; 51%

And we, that took it, and have fought^

As lewd as drunkards that fall out.

For as we make war/or the King

Against himself, the seli-same thing,

Some will not stick to swear, we do 515

For God and for religion too :

For if bear-baiting we allow,

What good can Rt formation do ?

The blood and treasiii*e that's laid out

Is thrown away, and goes for nought. 520

Are these the fruits o' th' Protestation,

The prototype of reformation,

Which all the Saints, and some, since Martyrs,

Wore {k) in their hats like wedding garters,

WTien 'twas (0 resolv'd by either House 525

Six members' quarrel to espouse ?

Did they for this draw down tlie rabble,

With zeal and noises formidable,

And make all cries about the town

Join throats to cry the bishops ilown ? 530

Who, having round begirt the palace

(As once a month they do the gallows),

As members gave the sign about.

Set up their throats with hideous shout.

Wlien tinkers bawi'd aloud to settle -535

Church distiplinf, for patching kettle :

No sow-geldi-r did blow his horn.

To geld a cat, but cry'd. Reform.

The oyster-women lock'd their fish up,

And trudg'd away, to cry, No Bishop. 540

The mouse-ti-ap men laid save-alls by,

And 'gainst Ev'l Couiistllors did cry.

Botchers left old clothes in the lurch,

And fell to turn aad iiatch the Church.

PART I. CANTO U. 59

Some cry'd the Covt nant, instead 545

Of p'idding-pies and gingt r-brt; ad ;

And some for brooms, old boots, and shoes,

BawI'd out to purge the Commons House.

Instead of kitchen-stuHj some cry

A gospel-preaching Ministry; 550

And some, for ohl suits, .oats, or cloak,

No surplices nor service-book.

A strange harmonious inclination

Of all degrees to Heformation.

And is this all ? Is tliis the end S5B

To which these carr'ings on did tendf

Hath public faith, tike a young heir,

F0r this ta'eu up all sorts of ware,

And run int' ev'ry tradesman's book,

'Till both turn'd bankrupts, and are broke? .560

Did Saints for this bring in their plate,

And crowd as if they came too late ?

For when they thouglit the cause had need on't,

Happy was he that could be rid on't.

Did thty coin piss-pots, bowls, and flaggons, 565

Int' office rs of horse and dragoons ;

And nito pikes and musqueteers

Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers ?

A tliimbli , bodkin, and a spoon,

Did start up living men as soon 570

As in the furnace they wii-e thrown,

Just like the dragon's teeth b'ii.g soAvn.

Then was the Cause of gold and plate,

Tht Brethren's oif 'rings, consecrate,

Like th'Hebr, w calf, and clown before it 575

The Saints fell prostrate to adore it:

So say the wicked and va ill you

Make that (»0 sarcasraus scancial true,

By i-unnuig after dogs and bears,

Beasts more unch an than calves or steers ? 580

Have pow'rfol Preachers ply'd their tongues,

And laid themselves out and their lungs;

Us'd all means, both direct and sinister,

r th' pow'r of gospel-preaching :Miaister ?

40 HUDIBRAS.

Have they invented tones to win 585

The women, and make them draw in

The men, as Indians with a female

Tame elepliant inveigle the male ?

Have they told Prov'dencf what it must do,

"Whom to avoid, ani whom to trust to? 590

Discover'd th' enemy's design,

And which way best to countermine ?

Prescribed what ways it halh to work,

Or it will ne'er nd-.ancc thr Kirk?

Told it the nf ws o' th' last express, 595

And after good or bad succiss,

Made prajers, not so like petitions

As overtures and propositions

(Such as the army did present

To their creator, th' Parliament), 609

In which they freelj' will confess,

They will not, ca)iiot acquiesce,

Unless the work be carry'd on

In the same way they have begun,

By St tting Church and Common-weal 605

All on a flame, bright as their zeal.

On which the Saints were all agog,

And all this for a bear and dog ?

The Parliiiment di-ew up petitions

T' itsell, and sent tliem, like commissions, 610

To well-afftcted persons down,

Iij ev'ry city and great town ;

"With pow'r to levy horse and men.

Only to bring them back agen:

For this did many, many a mile, 615

Ride manfully in rank and file,

With papers in their hats, that show'd

As if they to the pillory rode.

Have all these courses, these efforts.

Been try'd by people of all sorts, 620

Ve'is cir renm, omnVm.i nervis.

And all t' advance the Cause's service ?

And shall all now be thrown away

In petulant intestine fiay ?

PART I. CANTO II. 41

Shall we that In the Cov'nant swore, 625

£aeh man ofus to run before

Another, still in Reformation,

Give dogs and hears a dispensation ?

How will Dissenting Bretliren relish it?

What will nialignantssay? videdcet, 630

That each man swore to do his best,

To damn and perjure all the rest !

And bid the devil take the hin'most,

Which at this race is like to win most.

Thej'll say our b' s'nrss, to reform , i35

The Church and State, is but a worm;

For to subscribe, unsight, unsem,

To an unknown church-discipline.

What is it else, but before-hand

T' engage, and after understand ? S40

For when we sWpre to carry on

1 he pr. sent Reformation,

Accoi-ding to the purest mode

Of churches best reform 'd abroad,

What did we else but make a vow §45

To do we know not what, nor how ?

For no three of us will agree

Where or what churches these should be ;

And is indeed (n) the stlf-same case

With theirs that swore et ceteras; 650

Or the (o) French League, in which men vow'd

To fight to the last drop of blood.

These slanders will be tiirown upon

1 he Cause aud Work we cany on,

If we permit men to run headlong 655

T' exorbitances fit for Bedlam ,

Rather than Gospel-walking times,

When slightest sins are greatest crimes.

But we the matter so shall handle,

As to remove that odious scandal. 660

In name of King and Parliament,

I charge ye all, no more foment

This feud, but keep the j)eace between

Your brethren and your countrymen ;

42 HUDIBRAS.

And to those places straight repair 665

Wht re your respective dwellings are.
But to that purpose first surn-nder
The Fiddler, as the pj-ime ortVnder,
Th' incendiai7 vile, that is chief
Author and engineer d misi-hief; 676

That makes division betweeu i'riends,
For profane and malignant ends.
He, and that engine ol vile noise.
On which illegally he plays,

Shall {dictum factum) both be brought 675

To condign punishment, as they ought.
This must be done ; and I would fain see
Mortal so sturdy as to gain-say :
For tht-n Til take another course,
And soon reduce you all by force. 680

This said, he clapp'd his hand on sword,
To show he meant to keep his word.
But Talgol, who had long supprest
Inflamed wrath in glowing breast,
Which now began to rage and burn as 685

Implacably as flame in furnace,
Thus aiiswer'il him:— Thou vermin wretched
As e'er in measled pork was hatched;
Thou tail of worship, that dost grow
On rump of justice as of cow ; 690

How dar'st thou, with tliat sullen luggage
O' th' self, old n-'n. and other baggage,
With which thy sued of bones and leather
Has broue his wind in halting hither;
How durst th', I say, adventure thus 695

T' oppose thy lumber against us ?
Could thine impertinence find out
No work t' t mploy itself about,
Where thou, s-cure from wooden blow,
Thy busy vanity mrght'st show I 700

Was no dispute a-foot between
The caterwauling brethren?
No subtle question rais'd among
Those out-o'-their wits, and those i' th' wrong ;

PART I. CANTO II. A3

No prize between those combatants 704

O' th' times, the land and water-saints ;

Where thou might'st sticklf without hazard

Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard ; '■

And not for want of bus'ness come

To us to bf so troublesome, 710

To interrupt our better sort

Of disputants, and spoil our sport?

Was there no ielony, no bawd,

Cut-purse, no burglary abroad ;

No stolen pig, nor plunder'd goose, 715

To tie thee up from breaking loose ?

Ko ale unlicens'd broken hedge,

For which thou statute might'st allege,

To keep thet busy from foul evil.

And shame due to thee from the Devil? 720

Did no committee sit, where he

Might cut out journey-work for thee ?

And setth' a task, with subornation,

To stitch up sale and sequestration;

To cheat, with holiness and zeal, 725

All parties and the common-weal ?

Much better had it been tor thee,

H' had kept tliee where th' art us'd to be;

Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither,

So he Imd never brought thee hither. 730

But if th' last bram enough in skull

To keep itselt in lodging whole,

And not provokf the rage of stones

And cudgels to thy hide anil bones;

Tremble, and vanish, while thou may'st, 735

Which I'll not i>romise it thou stay'st.—

At this the Knight grew high in wroth,

And lifting hai>ds and eyes up both,

Three times he smote on stomach stout,

From whence, at length, these words broke out: 740

Was I for this i milled Sir,
And girt wit/j trust) sword and spur,
For fame and honour to wage battle,
Thus to be brav'd by foe to cattle?

"i* HUDIBRAS.

Not all that pride th;*t manes thee swell 745 ^

As big as ti'.eiu dost bl)wn-i|» veal ; :
Nor all thj tru.ks an sieights to cheat,

And selMlby canion for ,q:ooit meat ; ,

Not all thy magic to repair <

Decay'd old age in tough lean ware; 750 ]
Make nat'ral appear thy worK,
And stop the gangrene m stale pork j
Not all that force that makes thee proud.

Because by bullock ne'i r withstood ; '■

Tho' arin'd with all thy cKavers, knives, 755 ^

And ax( s mad - to hew down lives, \

Shall siive or htlp thee to e\ade '.

The hanl of justice, or this blade, I

Which I, her sword-bearer, do carry, j.

For civil deed and military. 760 I

Noi^ shall tliese words of venom base, '

Which tiiou hast from their native place, ,'
Thy stoiuacli. pump'd to fling on me,

Go unreveug'd,tho' I am free. '
Thou down the same throat shall devour 'em, 765 i

Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em. J

Nor shall it e'er be said, that wight i

With gantlet blue, and bases white, j

And round blunt truncheon by his side, i

So great a man at arras defy 'd 770 S

With words far bitterer than wormwood, j

That would in Job or Grizel stir mood. '
Dogs w ith their tongues their wounds do heal ;

But men with hands, as thou shait feel. .'

This said, with hasty i~age he snatch'd 775 '

His gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd; j

And bending cock, he levell'd full ;J

Against ih' outside of TalgoCs skull ; ■

Vowing that he should ne'er stir further, '

Nor henceforth cow or bullock murther. 7S0 ;

But Palla» came in shape of rust, j

And 'twixt the spring and hammer thrust ■

Her Gorgon shield, which made the cock •

Stand stiff, as 'twerfe transibrm'd to stock. i

PART I. CANTO II. 45

Meanwliile fierce TaltfoL gathering mifjht, 785

With rugged tniucheoii chargM the Knight;

But he with petronel upheav'd.

Instead oi shield, the biow receiv'd.

The gun recoil'd, as well it might.

Not us'd to such a kind of fight, 790

And shrunk from its great master's gripe,

Knock'd down and stunn'd hy mortal stripe.

Then Hwiibras, with furious haste.

Drew out his sword ; jet not so fast.

But Ta/gol first, with hardy thwack, 795

Twite bruis'd his head, and twice his back.

But when his niit-bi*own swoid was out,

"With stomach huge he laiil about,

Imprinting manj^ a wound upon

His mortal foe, the truncheon. SOO

The trusty cudgel did oppose

Itself ag-ainst dead-doing blows,

To guai"d its leader from fell bane.

And tliLn reveng'd itself again.

Aijd tho' the sword (some understood) SOS

In force had much the odds of wood,

'Tw as nothing so : both sides were balanc'd

So equal, none knew whi_h was valiant'st :

For wood, with Honour b'ing tngag'd,

Is so implacably eniag'd, 810

T|)o' iron hew and mangle sore.

Wood wounils and bruises Hoiiour more.

And now botli Knights were out of breath,

Tir'd in the hot putsint of death ;

While all the rest amaz'd stood still, 315

Expecting which should take or kill.

This Hudibras observ'd ; and fretting

Conquest should be so long a getting

He drew up ail his force into

One body, and that into one blow. S?0

But Talgol wiselj avoids d it

By cunning sleight ; for had it hit.

The upper |)art of him the blow

Had sUt as sure as that below.

46 HUDIBRAS.

Meanwhile th' incomparable Colon, «2S

To aid his friend, began to fall on.
Him Ralph encounter'd, and straight grew
A dismal combat 'twixt them two:
Th' one arnvd with metal, th' other with wood ;
This fit for bruise, and that for blood. 830

"With many a stiff thwack, many a bang,
Hard crab-tree and- old iron rang ;
While none that saw them could divine
To which side conquest would incline,
Until Mngnano, who did envy 835

That two should ^\ith so many men vie,
By subtle stratagem of brain,
Perform 'd what force oould ne'er attain ;
For he. by foul hap, having found
Where thistles grew on barren ground, 840

In haste he drew his weapon out,
And having cropp'd them from the root.
He clapp'd them underneath the tail
Of steed, with pricks as sharp as nail.
The angry beast did straight resent 845

The wrong done to his .undament;
Began to Kick, and fling, and wince,
As if h' had been besidi- his sense.
Striving to disi ngage i'ro.ii thistle,
That gall'd him sorely under his tail : 850

Instead of which he threw the pack
Of Squire and baggage from his back;
And blund'ring still with smarting rump.
He gave the Knight's steed such a thump
As made hin> reel. The Kiight did stoop, 855

And sate on further side aslope.
This Talgol viewing, who had now
By sleight escap'd the ratal blow,
He rally'd, and again fell to't ;

For catching foe by nearer foot, 86«

He lifted with such might and strength,
As would have hurld him thnce his length)
And dash'd his brains (if any) out:
Bat ^lars, thAt still protects the stout,

■\

PART I. CANTO II. 47

In pudding-time came to his aid, 865

And under hira the bear convey 'd ;

The bear, upon whose soft fui>gown

The Ivnight witli all his weight fell down.

The friendly rug preserved tlie gi'ound,

And headlong Knight, from bruise or wound; 870

Like feather-bed betwixt a wall

And heavy brunt of cannon-ball.

As Sancho on a blanket fell,

And had no hurt, our's far'd as well

In body ; tho' his mighty spirit, 875

B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it.

The bear was in a greater fright,

Beat down and worsted by the Knight.

He roar'd, and rag'd, and flung about,

To shake off bondage from his snout. 880

His wrath inflam'd, boil'd o'er, and from

His jaws of death he threw the foam :

Fury in stranger postures threw him.

And more than herald everr drew him.

He tore the earth which he had sav'd 885

From squelch of Knight, and storm 'd and rav'd,

And vex'd the more, because the harms

He felt were 'gainst the law of arms :

For men he always took to be

His friends, and dogs the enemy ; 890

Who never so much hurt had done him,

As his own side did falling on him.

It griev'd him to the guts, that they

For whom h' had fought so many a fray,

And strv'd with loss of blood so long, S95

Should offer such inhuman wrong;

Wrong of unsoldier-like condition;

For which he flung do\vn his commission ;

And laid about him, till his nose

From thrall of ring and cord broke loose. ?00

Soon as he felt himself enlarged,

Thro' tliickest of his foes he charg'd,

And made way thro' th' amazed crew ;

Some he s'erran, and some o'erthrew,

48 HUDIBRAS.

IJ«t took none ; for by hasty flight 9t>5

He strove t' escape pursuit of Knight ;

From wliora he fled with as much haste

And dread qs he the rabble chas'd.

In haste lie fled, and so did they ;

Each and his fear a several way. O'O

Croiodero only kept the field ;

Not stirring from the place he held ;

Tho' beaten down and wounded sore,

I' th' fiddle, and a leg that bore

One side of 1dm ; not that of bone, 515

But much it's better, th" wooden one^

He sp) ing Hudibras lie slrow'd

Upon the gi-ound, like log of wood,

With fiighi of fall, supposed Wound,

And loss of urine, in a swound, P26

In haste, he snatch'd the wooden limb,

That hui't in th' ankle lay by him.

And, fitting it for sudden fight.

Straight drew it np t' attack the Knight ;

For getting up on stump and buckle, 925

He with tlie foe began to buckle ;

Vowing to be reveng'd for l>reach

Of ci'owd and skin upon the wretch.

Sole author of all dt triment

He and his fiddle underwent. §30

But RaJpho (who had now begun

T' adventure resurxv ction

From heavy squelch, and had got up

Upon his 1 gs, with sprained crup),

L<»oki>)g about, bi held pernicion 935

App oacliing Knight from ftll musician.

He suatchM hjs whinyard up, that fled

V '"Jjc was ialiiiig oft'his steed
<o from a faliing house),
\if fiotii rage o; blows; 940

i yith spe^d and fury, flew

A 'u from black and blue ;

Ai >j(i a hi, ve, his sconce

Btix V iwice and once ;

PART I. CANTO II. 40

And now 'twas rais'd to smite as^en, -545

When Ralpho thrust himself between.
He took the blow upon his arm,
To shield the Knipfht from further harm ;
And, joinhig wrath with force, bestow'd
On th' wooden member s'ich a load, 950

That down it fell, and with it bore
Crowdero, whom it propp'd before.
To him the Squie riglit nimbly run.
And setting conquering foot upon
His trunk, thus spoke : What desp'rate frenzy 955
Made thee (thou whelp oi sin !) to fancy
Thys"If and all that cowa-.d r;»hble,
T' encount r us in battle aWe ?
How durst th'', I say, oppose thy eurship
Jl&ainst ai-ms, authority, and worship ? 660

And Hudibra.i or me provoke,
Tho' all thy l.nibs were h' art of oak,
And th' other lialf of thee as good
To bear out blows as that of wood ?
Could- not the whipping-post prevaij S€5

With all its vhet'rie, nor the jail,
To keep from flajnug seouige thy skin.
And ankle free from iro^i gin ?
Which now thou shalt— But first our care
"Must see how Hudibras doth fare. 970

This said, he gently rais'd the Knight,
And set him on his bum upright
To rouse him from lethargic dump.
He iweak'd his iiosf; with gentle thump
Kaock'd on his breast, at if 't had been gyS'

To raise the spirits lodg'd within.
They, waken'd witii the noise did fly
From inward room to window eye,
And gently op'uing lid, the casement,
Look'd out, but yet with some amazement. 980

This gladded Ralpho much to see^
Who thus bespoke the Knight: quoth he,
Tweaking his nose, You are, great Sir,
A self-denying conqueror ;

C

50

HUDIBRAS.

As high, victorious, and great,
As e'er fought for the Churches yet,
If you will give yourself but leave
To make out what y' already have ;
That's victory. The foe, for dread
Of 70ur nine-worthiness, is fled ;
All, save Crowdero, for whose sake
You did th' espous'd Cause undertake ;
And he lies pris'nev at your feet,
To be dispos'd as you think meet,
Either for life, or death, or sale.
The gallows, or perpetual jail.
For one wink of your pow'rful eye
Must sentence him to live or die.
liis fiddle is your proper purchase,
"Won in the service of the Churches ;
And by your doom must be allow'd
To be, or be no more, a crowd.
For tho' success did not confer
Just title on the conqueror ;
Tho' dispensations were not strong
Conclusions, whetlier right or wronf ;
Altho' outgoings cUd confirm.
And owning were but a mere term ;
Yet as the wicked have no right
To tli' creature, tho' usarp'd by might,
The property is in the Saint,
3rom whom th' injuriously detain 't ;
Of him they hold their luxuries,
Iheir dogs, their horses, whores, and dice,
•Iheir riots, revels, masks, delights.
Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites ;
All which the Saints have title to,
And ought t' enjoy, if th' had thtir due,
^Vhat we take from 'em is no more
Than what was our's by right before ;
For we are their true landlords still,
And they our tenants but at will.
At this the Knight began to rouze>
Mii by degree.' grow va!or»U?..

1005

joi?

le^ j

PART I. CANTO II, 51

Ee star'd about, and seeing none 1025

Of all his foes remain, but one,

He snatch'd his weapon, that lay near him,

And from the ground began to rear hira;

Vowing to make Crowdero pay

For ^11 the rest that ran away. 1030

But Ralpho now, in colder blood,

His fury mildly thus withstood :

Gi-eat Sir, quoth he, your mighty spirit

Is rais'd too high : this sia\ e does merit

To be the hangman's business, sooner 30§5

Than from your hand to have the honour

Of his destruction. I, that am

A nothingness in deed and name,

Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcase,

Or ill intreat his fiddle or case : 10<0

Will you, great Sir, that gloi*y blot
In cold blood which you gain'd in hot?

Will you employ your conqu'ring sword

To break a fiddle and your word ?

For tho' I fought, and overcame, 1045

And quarter gave, 'twas in your name.

For great commanders always own

What's prosperous by the soldier done.

To save, where you have pow'r to kill,

Argues your pow'r above your will ; 1050

And that your will and pow'r have less

Than both might have of selfishness.

This pow'r which, now alive, with dread

He trembles at, if he were dead.

Would no more keep the slave in awe^ 1055

Than if you were a Knight of straw:

For death would then be his conqueror.

Not you, and free him from that terror.

If danger from his life accrue.

Or honour from his death, to you ; 10<50

'Twere policy, and honour too,

To do as you resolv'd to do:

But, Sir, 'twould wrong your valour muel))

To say it needs or fears a Cjrutci.

5-2 HUDIBRAS.

Great conquerors g^reatei- glory gfain 1065

By foes in triumph led, than slain :

The laurels that adorn tlieir hiows

Are pnil'd from living, not dead boughs,

And living foes : the greatest fame

Of cripple slain tan be but lame. 1070

One half of him's already slain,

The other is not worth your. pain;

Th' honour can but on one side light,

As worship did, when y' were dubb'd Knight,

Wlierefore I think it better far 1075

To keep him prisonc r of war ;

And let him fast in bonds abide,

At court of justice to he try'd j

AVhere, if h' appear so boM or crafty,

There may be danger in his safety, lOW

If any member there dislike

His face, or to his beard have pique;

Or if his death will save or yield,

llcvenge or fright, it is reveal'd.

Tho' he has quarter, ne'trtheless . 1085

Y' have pow'r to hang him when you please.

This has been often done by some

Of our great conqu'rors. you know whom;

And has by most of us been held

Wise justice, and to some reveal'd. 1090

For w.ords and promises, that yoke

The conqueror, are quickly broke;

Like Sampson's cuffs, tho' by his own

Direction and advice put on.

For if we should fight for the Cause 1095

By rules of militarj- laws.

And only do what they call just,

The Cause would quickly fall to dust.

This we among ourselves may speak;

Bat to the wicked, or the weak, 1100

We must be cautious to declare

Perfection-truths, such as these are.

This said, the high outrageous mettle
;0f Knight began to cw>l and settle.

PART I. CA^TO II. 53

He lik'd the Sq»iire's advice, and soon 1105

Resolv'd to see the bus'ness done ;

And thertfore charg'd him Crst to bind

Cro-ivdero's Jiands on rump behind.

And to its former place and use

The wooden member to reduce; 1110

But force it take an oath before,

Nt 'er to bear arms against him more.

Ralpho dispatch d with speedy haste,
And. having ty'd Cronvdero fast.

He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, 1115

To (ead the captive of his sword
In triumph, whilst the steeds he caught,
And them to further service brought.
The Squire in state rode on before,
And on his nut-brown whinyard bore 1120

The trophet-fiddle and the case,
Leaning on shotilder like a mace.
The Knight himself did after ride,
Leading Crotvdero by his side;

And tow'd him. if he lagg'd behind, 1125

Like boat against tlie tide and wind.
Thus grave and solemn they march on.
Until quite thro' tht- town th' Lad gone.;
At further end of which there stands
An ancient castle, that conunauds 1130

Th' adjacent parts: in ail the fabric
You shall not see one stone, nor a brick;
But all of wood ; by pow'rftil spell
Of magic made impregnable.

There's neither iron-bar nor gate, 1135

Portcullis, cltain, nor bolt, nor grate j
And yet men durance there abide,
In dungeon scarce three inches wide ;
Witli roof so low, that under it

They never stand, but lie or sit; 1140

And yer so foul, that whoso is in,
Is to the middle leg in prison;
In circle magical confin'd,
With wails oi" sii|)Ue ^' «»»»ti ^ Jncf,

54

HUDIBRAS.

Wlucli none are able to break thorough,

Until they're freed by head of borough.

Thither arriv'd, th' advent'rous Knight

And bold Squire from their steeds alight

At th' outward wall, near which tiiere stands

A bastile, built t' imprison hands;

By strange enchantment made to fetter

The lesser parts, and free the gnater:

For tho' the body may creep through,

The hands in grate are fast enough:

And when a circle 'bout the wrist

Is made by beadle exorcist,

The body feels the spur and switch.

As if 'twere ridden post by witch,

At twenty miles an hour pace,

And yet ne'er stirs out of the place.

On top of this there is a spire,

On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire,

The fiddle, and its spoils, the ease, ,

In manner of a trophee place.

That done, they ope the trap-door-gate,

And let Ciowdero down thereat;

Cronvdero making doleful face,

Like hermit poor in pensive place,

To dungeon they the wretch commit,

And the survivor of his feet :

But th' other, that had broke the peace

And head of Knighthood, they release ;

Tho' a delinquent false and forged,

Yet b'ing a stranger, he's enlarged ;

While his comrade, that did no hurt.

Is clapj)'d up fast in prison )br 't.

So Justice, while she winks at crimes,

Stumbles on innocence sometimes.

1145

1155

ll6«

PART I. CANTO III.

THE ARGUMENT.

The scattei-'d rout return and rally,
Surround the place ; the knight does sally,
And is made pris'ner: then they seize
Til' inchanted fort by storm, release
Crowdero, and put the squire in's place ;
I should have first said Hudibras.

AY me ! what perils do environ

The man that meddles with cold iron !

What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps

Do dog hiin still with after-claps!

For though dame Fortune seem to smile.

And leer upon him for awhile.

She'll after show him, in the nick

Of all his glories, a dog-trick.

This any man may sing or say,

1' th' ditty call'd. mtat if a day :

For Hudibras, wlio thought h' had won

The field, as certain as a gun,

And having routed the whole troop,

With victory was coeka hoop ;

Thinking h' had done enough to purchase

Thanksgiving-day among the churches ;

Wherein his mettle and brave worth

Might be explain'd by holder-forlh,

And register'd by Fame eternal

In deathless pages of diurnal :

Found in few minutes, to his cost.

He did but count without his host ;

And that a turn-stile is more certain,

Than, in events of war, dame Fortune.

56 HUDIBRAS.

For now the late faint-hearted rout,
O'erthrown anil scatter'd round about,
Chat'd by the horror of their lear
I'rora bloody fray of knight and bear
(All but the dogs, who in pursuit
Of the knight's victory stood to't,
And most ignobly fotight, to get
The honour of his blood and sweat),
Seeing the coast was free and clear
O' th' conquer'd and the conqueror,
Took heart again, and fac'd about,
As if they meant to siaud it out:
.For by this time the routed bear.
Attacked by th' enemy i' th' rear,
Finding their numbt r grew too great
Vor him to make a safe retreat,
Like a bold chieftain fac'd about;
But wisely doubting to hold out,
Gave way to Fortune, and with liaste
Fac'd the proud foe, and flid, and fac'd;
Retiring still, until he found
H' had got th' advanitige of the ground ,;
And then as valiaistly made head,
ro check the foe, and forihwith fled;
Leaving no art ui ti^'d, nor trick
Of warrior stout and politick ;
Until, in spite of hot pursuit,
Jle gain'd a pass, to hold dispute
On better terms, and stop the course
Of the proud foe. With all his force
He bravely charg'd, and for awhile
Forc'd their whole body to Fecoil ;
But still their numbers so increas-d,
He found himself at lengtli oppress'd,
And all evasions so uncenain,
To save himself for better fortune,
That he resolv'd, rather than yielil.
To die with honour in the field,
And sell his hide and carcase at
A price as high and desperate

PART I. CANTO lU. 57

As e'er he could. This resolution 65

He forthwith put in execution,

And bravely threw himself among

The enemy, i' th' greatest throng.

But what could single valour do,

Against so numerous a foe ? 70

Yet much he did, indeed too much

To be believ'd, where th' odds were such.

But one, against a multitude,

Is more than mortal can make good :

For while one party he oppos'd, 75

His rear was suddenly inclos'd,

And no room left him for retreat,

Or fight against a foe so great.

For now the mastives, charging home.

To blows and handy-gripes w-re come : SO

AVhile manfully himself he bore,

And setting his right-foot before,

He rais'd himself to show how tall

His person was above them all.

This equal shame and envy stirr'd 85

In th' enemy, that one should beard

So many warriors, and so stout,

As he had done, and stav'd it out,

Disdaining to lay down his arms,

And yield on honourable terms. 90

Enraged thus, some in the rear

Attaek'd him, and some ev'ry where,

Till down he fell ; yet falling fought,

And. being down., still laid about :

As Widdrington, in doleful dumps, 95

Is said to fight upon his stumps.

But all, alas I had been in vain.
And he inevitably slain,
If Trulla and Cerdon, in the nick,
To rescue him had not been quick : lOO

For Trulla, who was light of foot,
As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot
(But not so light as to be borne
Upon the ears of standing corn,
C2

5S HUDIBRAS. !

•Or trip it o'er the water quicker lOS

Than witches, when their staves they liquor, •

As some report), was got among

The foremost of the martial throng : ^

There pitying the vanquish'd bear.

She call'd to Cerdon, who stood near, 110 '.

Viewing the bloody fight ; to whom, '

Shall we (quoth she) stand stiU hum-drimi, i

And see stout Bruin, all alone,

By numbers basely overthrown? ■

Such feats already h' has achiev'd, US -

In story not to be believ'd ;

And 'twould to us be shame enough, >

JCot to attempt to fetch him off.

I would (quoth he) venture a limb

Te second thee, and rescue him, 120

But then we must about it straight, '

Or else our aid will come too late ; i

Quarter he scorns, he is so stout,

And therefore cannot long hold out.

This said, they wav'd their weapons round 12S

About their heads, to clear the ground; :

And j oining foix:es, laid about ,'

So fiercely that th' amazed rout

Tum'd tail again, and straight begun, ■

As if the devil drove, to run. 130 ;

Meanwhile th' approach'd the place where Bruia ■'•

Was now engag'd to mortal ruin : j

The conqu'ring foe they soon assail'd, i

First TruUa (p) stav'd, and Cerdon tail'd,

Until their mastives loos'd their hold: 135 ;

And yet, alas ! do what tliey could, ,

The worsted bear came off with store

Of bloody wounds, but all before: f.

For as Arclulles. dipt in pond, \

■VTa* anabaptix'd free from wound, 140 *■

IVJade proof against dead-doing steel

All over but the Pagan heel :

So did our champion's arms defend

AS of him but the other end,

PART I. CANTO im 59

His head and ears, which in the martial 145

Encounter lost a leathern parcel :

For as an Austrian Ai-chduke once

Had one ear (which in ducatoons

Is half the coin) in battle par'd

Close to his head ; so Bruin far'd : 15^

But tugg'd and pull'd on th' other side,

Like scriv'ner newly crucify'd ;

Or like the late (q) corrected leathern

Ears of the circumcised brethren.

But- gentle TruUa. into th' ring 155

He wore in 's nose, convey'd a string.

With wliich she march 'd before, and led

Tlie warrior to a grassy bed,

As authors write, in a cool shade,

Whicb eglantine and roses made ; 160

Close by a softly murm'ring stream,

M'^here lovers us'd to loll and dream*

There leaving him to liis repose,

Secured from pursuit of foes,

And wanting nothing but a song, 165

And a well-tun'd theorbo hung

Upon a bough, to ease the pain

His tugg'd ears suffer'd ; with a strain,

They both drew up, to march in quest

Of his great leader, and the rest. l70

For Orsin (wlio was more renown'd
For stout maintaining of his ground
In standing fight, than for pursuit,
As being not so quick of foot)

"Was not long able to keep pace 175

With others that pursu'd the chace;
But found himself left far behind,
Both out of heart, and out of wind.
Giiev'd to behold his bear pursu'd
So basely by a multitude ; 180

And like to fall, not by the prowess,
But numbers of his coward foes,
He rag'd, and kept as heavy a coil as
Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas i

60 HUDIBRAS. -i

Forcing the valleys to repeat 185

The accents of his sad regret. ;

He beat his breast, and tore his hair, j

For loss of his dear crony bear: i

That Echo, from the hollow ground, \

His doleful wailings did resound 190 \

More wistfully, by many times, j

Than in small poets' splay foot rhimes, ?

That make her, in their rueful stories, ^

To answer to int'rogatories, i

And most unconscionably depose 195 ;

To things of which she nothing knows : i

And when she has said all she can say, I

' ris wrested to the lover's fancy. !
Quoth he, O whither, wicked Bruin,

Art thou fled to my— Echo, Ruin ? 200 •
I thought th' hadst scom'd to budge a step.
For fear. Quoth Echo, Marry guep.

Am not I here to take thy part ? ;

Then what has quell'd thy stubborn heart ? '

Have these bones rattled, and this head 205 i

So often in thy quarrel bled ? 'j

Nor did I ever winch or grudge it, \

For thy dear sake. Quoth she, Mum budget. ,

Think'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th' dish, i

Thou tura'dst thy back? Quoth Echo, Pish. 210 i

To run from those th' hadst overcome I

Thus cowardly? Quoth Echo, Mum. j

But what a vengeance makes thee fly ^

From ine too, as thine enemy ? ]

Or if thou hast no thought of me, 215

Nor what I have endur'd for tliee, )

Yet shame and honour might prevail j

To keep thee thus from turning tail : \
For who would grudge to speud his blood in

His honours cause ? Quoth she, A puddin. 220

This said, his giief to anger turn'd, j

Which in his manly stomach burn'd ; j

Thirst of revenge and wrath, in pjaee }

Of sori'ow, now be^an to blaze. ■;

PART I. CANTO III. €l

lie vow'd, the authors of his wo 225

Should equal vengeance undergo,

And with their bones and flesh pay dear

For what he sufFer'd, and his bear.

This b'ing resolv'd, with equal speed

And rage he hasted to proceed 230

To action straight ; and, giving o'er

To search for Bruin any more,

He went in quest of Hudibras,

To find him out where'er he was ;

And, if he were above ground, vow'd 235

He'd ferret him, lurk where he would.

But scarce had he a furlong on
This resolute adventure gone,
When he encounter'd with that crew
"Whom Hudibras did late subdue. 240

Honour, revenge, contempt, and shame,
Did equally their bi-easts inflame.
'Mong these the fierce Magnano was,
And Talgol, foe to Hudibras ;

Cerdon and Colon, warriors stout, 245

And resolute, as ever fought :
Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke :

Shall we (quoth he) thus basely brook
The vile affront that paltry ass,
And feeble scoundrel, Hudibras, 250

With that more paltry ragamuffin,
Ralpho, with vapouring and huffing,
Have put upon us, like tame cattle,
As if th' had i-outed us in battle ?
For ni)- part it shall ne'er be said, 255

1 for the washing gave my head :
Nor did I turn my back for fear
O' th' rascals, but loss of my bear,
Which now I'm like to undergo;
For whether those fell wounds, or no, 260

He has receiv'd in fight, are mortal.
Is more than all my skill can foretel;
Nor do I know what is become
Of him, more than the Pope of Rome.'

62 HUDIBKAS.

But if I can but find them out 251 /

That caus'd it (as I shall, no doubt, ]
Where'er th' in hug?er-mng?i-r lurk)

I'll make them rue thtir liandy-work; ;

And wish that they had rather dar'd ,;

To pull the devil by the beard. 270 ■

Quoth Cerdoii, Nobie Orsin. th' hast

Great reason to do as thou say'st, "

And so has ev'ry body here, i

As well as thou hast, or thy bear r .■;

Others may do as they see good ; 275 •

But if this twig be made of wood '.

That will hold tack, Til make the fur ']

Fly 'bout the ears of that old eur ; '

And th' other mungrel vermin, Ralph, .'.

That brav'd us all in his behalf. 280 .
Thy bear is safe, and out of peril,

Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill ; '
Mjsflf and TruUa made a shift

To help him out nt a dead lift ; I

And having brought him bravely off, 285 ;

Have left him where he's safe enough : :

There let him rest ; for if we stay, J

The slaves may hap to get aw ay. ;;

This said, they all engag'd to join -^

Their forces in the same design ; 299
And forthwith put themselves in search

Of Hudibras upon their march, ;]
Where leave we them awhile to tell

What the victorious knight befel : (

For such, Croivdero being fast 295 >

In dungeon shut, we left him last. \
Triumphant laurels seemd to grow

Nowhere so green as on his brow : ■[

Laden with which, as wtU as tir'd -;

With conqu'ring toil, he now retir'd 300 ,

Unto a neighb'ring castle by j

To rest his body, and apply ^

Fit med'cines to each glorious bruise j

He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blUes, •;

I

PART I. CANTO III. 63

Toflaollify th' uneasy pang 305

Of ev'ry honourable bang,

AVhich b'ing by skilful midwife drest,

He laid him down to take his rest.

But all in vain. H' had got a hurt

Ob th' inside, of & deadlier sort, 310

By Cupid made, who took his stand

Upon a widow 's jointure land

(For he, in all his am'rous battles,

No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels),

Brew home his bow. and, aiming right, 315

Let fly an arrow at the knight ;

The shaft against a rib did glance.

And gall'd him in the purtenance.

But time had somewhat 'swag'd his pain,

After he found his suit in vam. 820

For that proud dame, for whom his soul

Was burnt in's belly like a coal

(That belly that so oft did ake,

And suffer griping for her sake,

Till purging comfits and ants-egg>s 325

Had almost brought him off his legs),

Us'd him so like a base rascalliou,

That (r) old Pyg- (what d' y' call hira) malion,

That cut his mistress out of stone.

Hail not so hard a hearted one. 330

She had a thousand jadish tricks,

Worse than a mule that flings and kicks ;

^Mong which one ci"ossgrain'd freak she had,

As insolent, as strange and mad ;

St^ could love none but only such 335

As scorn'd and hated her as much.

'Twas a strange riddle of a lady.

Not love, if any lov'd ht r ! hey day !

So ooAvards never use their might

But against such as will not fight: 340

So some diseases have been found

Only to seize upon the sound.

He that get€ her by heart may say her

■J'he back way like a "witch's pray-ei.

64 HUDIBRAS.

Meanwhile, the knight had no small task 315

To compass what he durst not ask :

He loves, but dares not uiake the motion :

Her ignorance is his devotion :

Like caitiff vile, that for misdeed

Rides with his face to rump of steed, 350

Or rowing scull, he's fain to love,

Look one way, sind anotlier move ;

Or like a tumbler that does play

His game, and look auother way.

Until he seize upon the coney : 355

Just so does he by matrimony.

But all in vain; her subtle snout

Did quickly wind his meaning out ;

Which she retum'd with too much scorn

To be by man of honour born : 360

Yet much he bore, until the distress

He suffer'd from his spiteful mistress

Bid stir his stomach, and the pain

He had endur d from her disdain

Tum'd to regret, so resolute, 365

That he resolv'd to wave his suit.

And either to renounce her quite,

Or for awhile play least in sight.

This resolution b'ing put on,

He kept some months, and more had done ; 370

But being brought so nigh by fate,

The victory he acbiev'd so late

Did set his thoughts agog, and ope

A door to discontinued hope,

That seem'd to promise he might win 375

His dame too, now his hand was in ;

And ihat his valour, and the honour

H' had newly gain'd, might work upon her.

Thtse reasons made his mouth to water

With am'rous longings to be at her. 380

Quoth he unto himself. Who knows
But this brave conquest o'er my foes
May reach her heart, and make that stoop,
As I but now have forc'd the troop ?

PART I. CANTO III. 65

irnotTiing can oppugn love, 385

And virtue invious ways can prove,
What may not he confide to do
That brings both love and virtue too?
But thou brin^'st valour too and wit,
Two things that sehlom fail to hit. 390

Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin,
Which women oft are taken in.
Then, Hiidiiiras, why should'st thou fear
To he, that art a conqueror ?

fortune th' audacious doth juvare, 395

But lets tlie timidous miscarry.
Then while the hosiOur thou hast got
Is spick and span new, piping hot,
Strike her up bravely, thou hadst best,
And trust thy fortune with the rest. 40»

Such thoughts as these the knight did keep,
More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep,
And as an owl, that in a barn
Sees a mouse creeping in the corn,
Sits still, and shuts liis round blue eyes, 405

As if he slept, until he spies
The little beast within his reach,
Then starts, and seizes on the wretch ;
So from his touch the knight did start,
To seize upon thewidow's heart, 410

Ci-ying, with hasty tone, and hoarse,
Ralpho, dispatch, to horse, to horse!
And 'twas but time; for now the rout,
We left engag'd to seek him out,
. By speedy marches wvre advanc'd 415

Up to the fort, where he esconc'd ;
And all th' avenues had possest
About the place, from east to west.

T-liat done, awhile they made a halt,
To view the ground, and where t' assault: 420

Then cali'd a council, which was best,
By siege or onslaught, to invest
riie enemy; and 'twas agreed,
'iy 5torm and onslaugUt to proceed,

66 HUDIBRAS.

This blng resolv'd, in comely sort 42<

They now drew up t' attack the fort ;

When Hudibras, about to enter

Upon another-gate's adventure,

To Ralpho eall'd aloud to arm,

Not dreaming of approacliing storm. 430

Whether dame Fortune, or the tare

Of angel bad or tutelar,

Did arm, or thrust him on a danger,

To which he was an utter stranger ;

That foresight might, or might not blot 43*

The glory he had newly got ;

Or to his shame it might be said,

They took him napping in his bed ;

To them we leave it to expound

That deal in sciences profound. 440

His courser scarce he had ijestrid,
And Ralpho that on which he rid.
When setting ope the postern gate.
Which thty thought best to sallj at.
The foe appear'd, drawn up and diill'd, 445

Ready to charge them in the field.
This somewhat startled the bold knight,
Surpris'd with th' unexpected sight ;
The bruises of his bones and tiesh
He thought began to smart afresh s 450

Till recollecting wonted courage,
His fear was soon converted to rage,
And thus he spoke : The coward foe,
Whom we but now gave quarter to,
Look, yonder's rally'd, and appears 455

As if they had outrun ilieir fears;
The glory we did lately get.
The Fates command us to repeat ;
And to their wills we must succumb,
Qiiocunque trahunt, 'tis our doom. 4JiO

This is the same numerick crew
Which we so lately did subdue;
The self-same individuals, that
Did run as mice do from a cat,

PART I. CANTO III, 6?

When we coui-agfeously did wield 465

Our inai-tial weapons in the field,

To tug for victory : and when

We shall our shining blades agen

Brandish in terror o'er our heads,

Tht y'll strait resume their wonted dreads : 470

Fear is an ague, that forsakes

And haunts, by fits, those whom it takes :

And they'll opine they feel the pain

And blows they felt to day, again.

Then let us boldly charge them home, 475

And make no doubt to overcome.

This said, his courage to inflame,
He call'd upon his mistress' name.
His pistol next he cock'd a-new,
And out his nut-brown whinyard drew : 480

And, plat ing Ralpho in the front,
Reserv'd himself to bear the brunt ;
As expert warriors use : then ply'd
With iron heel his coursers side,
Conveying sympathetick speed 485

From heel of Knight to heel of Steed.

Meanwhile the foe, witliequal rage
And speed, advancing to engage,
Both parties now were drawn so close,
Almost to come to handy-blows : 490

When Ornn first let fly a stone
At Ralpho ; not so huge a one
As that which Diomed did maul
Mneas on the bum withal ;

Yet big enough, if rightly hurl'd, 495

T' have sent him to another world,
Wht-ther above-ground, or below.
Which Saints twice dipt are destin'd to.
The danger startled the bold Squire,
And made him some few steps retii'e, ^00

But Hudibras advanc'd to's aid,
And rouz'd his spiri ts hali" dismay'd.
He wisely doubting lest the shot
Of th' enemy, now grgwing tot,

6S HUDIBRAS.

Might at a distance gall, press'd close, SOS

To come pell -raell to handy-blows,

And, that he might their aim decline,

Advanc'd still in an oblique line;

But prudently forbore to fire,

Till breast to breast he had got nigher ; JK)

As expert warriors use to do,

When hand to hand they charge their foe.

This order the advent'rous Knight,

Most solditr-like, observ'd in fight.

When Fortuiif (as she's wont) tum'd fickle, 5tS

And for the foe began to stickle.

The more shamt for her Goody-ship,

To give so near a friend a slip.

For Colon, thusing out a stone,

Levtird so right, it thutnp'd upon J20

His manly paunch, with such a force,

As almost bt-at him off his horse.

He loos'd his wliinyard, and the rein ;

But. lajing fast hold on the mane,

Pi-eserv'd his seat : and as a goose 525

In death contracts his talons close ;

So did the Knight, and with one claw

The tricker of his pistol draw.

Tlie gun went oflT: and, as it was

Still fatal to stout Hudibras, 530

In all his feats of arms, when least

He dreamt of it, to prosper best ;

So now he far'd : the shot let fly

At random 'mong the enemy%

Pierc'd Tatgol's gaberdine, and grazing 535

Upon his shoulder, in the passing,

Lodg'd in Magnano^s brass bahergeon,

Who strait A Surgeon cvy'd, A Surgeon:

He tumbled down, and, as he fell,

Did Murther, Murther. Mnrthev, yell. 540

This startled their whole body so,

That if the Knight had not let go

His arms, but been in warlike plight,

H' had won (the secoud time; the fight:

PART t. CANTO III. 69

A$,>lf the Squire had but fall'n on, 545

He had inevitably done :

But he, diverted with the care

0( Hudibras his huif, forbare

To press th' advantage of his fortune,

While danger did the rest dishearten. 55^

For he with Cerdon b'ing engag'd

In close encounter, they both wag'd

The fight so well, 'twas hard to say

■Which side was like to get the day.

And now the busy work of death 555

Had tir'd them so, th' agreed to breathe,

Preparing to renew the fight ;

When the disaster of the Knight

And th' other party did divert

Their fell intent, and forc'd them part. 56©

Ralpho press'd up to Hudibras,
And Cerdon where Magnmio was ;

Each striving to confirm his party
With stout encouragements, and hearty.

Quoth .ff«//iAo, Courage, valiant Sir, 565

And let revenge and honour stir
Your spirits up ; once more fall on,
The shatter'd foe begins to run :
For if but half so well you knew
To use your victory as subdue, 570

They durst net, after suvh a blow
As you have giv'n them, face us now ;
But from so formidable a soldier
Had fled like crows when they smell powder,
Tbrici have they seen your sword alofl 575

Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft.
But if you let them rt collect
Their spints, now disniay'd and ch^ck'd.
You'll have a harder game to play
Than yet y' have had, to gt t the day. 560

Thus spoke the stout Squire ; but was heard
By Hudibras with s.nall regard.
His thoughts w ere fuller of the baiig
■He lately tookjthan Ralph''s harangue 3

70 HUDIBRAS.

To which he answer'cl, Cruel fate 585

Tells me thy counsel comes too lafe.

The knotted blood within my hose,

That from my wounded body flows,

With mortal crisis doth portend

My days to appropinque an end. 590

I am for action now unfit,

Either of fortitude or wit.

Fortune, my foe, begins to frown,

Resolv'd to pull my stomach down.

I am not apt, upon a wound 595

Or trivial basting:, to despond :

Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail ;

For if I thought my wounds not mortal,

Or that we'd time enough as yet

To make an hon'rable retreat, 600

'Twere the best course : but if they find

We fly, and leave our arms behind

For them to seize on ; the dishonour,

And danger too, is such, I'll sooner

Stand to it boldly, and take quarter, 605

To let them see I am no starter.

In all the trade of war, no feat

Is nobler than a brave retreat :

For those that run away, and fly,

Take place at least of th' enemy. 610

This said, tlie Squire with active speed
Dismounted from his bony steed,
To seize the arms, which by mischance
Fell from the bold Knight in a trance.
These being found out, and restor'd 615

To Hudibras, their nat'ral lord,
As a man may say, with might and main
He hasted to get up again.
Thrice he assay'd to mount aloft,
But, by his weighty bum, as oft ^

He was puil'd back, till having found
Th" advantage of the rising ground.
Thither he led his warlike steed.
And haviog plac'd him right, with speed

PART I. CANTO III. 7%

Prepar'd again to scale the beast : 625

When Orsin, who had iiewlj' drest
The bloody scar upon the shoulder
Of Talgol, with Promethean powder,
And now was searching for the shot
That laid Magnano on the spot, 630

Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid
Preparing to climb up his horse-side:
He left his cure, and laying hold
Upon his arms, with courage bold,
Ciy'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, 635

The enemy begin to rally :
Let us that are unhurt and whole
Fall on, and hapjiy man he's dole.
This said, like to a thunderbolt
He flew with fui-y to th' assault, 650

Striving the enemy to attack
Before he reach'd his horse's back.
Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten
O'erthwart his breast with active vau'ting,
Wrigling his body to recover 645

His seat, and cast his right leg over ;
When Orsin, rushing in, bestow'd
On horse and man so heavy a load,
The beast was startled, and begun
To kick and fling like mad, and run, 650

Bearing the tough Squire like a sack,
Or stout King Richard, on his back:
'Till stumbling, he threw him down,
Sore bruis'd, and cast into a swoon.
IMeanwhile the Knight began to rouse 655

The sparkles of his wonted prowess :
He thrust his hand into his hose.
And found, both by his eyes and nose,
'Twas only choler, and not blood,
That from his wounded body flow'd. «^0

This, with the hazard of the Squire,
Inflam'd him with despiteful ire :
Courageously he fac'd about,
Aad drew hU otlter pistol out;

72 HUDIBRAS.

And now had half way bent the cock, 665

When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock,

With stuitly truncheon, thwart his arm.

Tliat down it fell, and did no harm :

Then stoutly pressing on with speed,

Assay'd to pull him off his steed. 670

The Knight his sword had only left.

With which he Ctrdoii's head had cleft,

Or at the least cropp'd off a limb,

But Orsin came, and rescu'd him.

He with his lance attack'd the Knight 675

Upon his quarters opposite :

But as a barque, that in foul weather,

Toss'd by two adverse winds together.

Is bruis'd axid beaten to and fro,

And luiows not which to turn him to : 580

So far'd the Knight between two foes.

And knew not which of them t' oppose;

Till Orsin, charging with his lance

At Hudlbrax, hy spiteful chance

Bit Cerdon such a bang, as sttinn'd 685

And laid him flat upon the ground.

At this the Knight began to cheer up,

And raising up himself on stirrup,

Cry'd out, Victoria : lie thou tht re,

And I shall strait dispatch another, 690

To bear thee company in death :

But first I'll halt awhile, and breathe.

As wf^H he might ;. for Orsin, griev'd

At th' wound <hat Ctrdon had receiv'd.

Ran to relieve him with his lore, 695

And cure the hurt he gave befwe.

Meanwhile the Knight had wiieel'd about,

To bieathe himself, and next find out

Th' advantage of the ground, where best

He Blight the ruffled foe infest. 700

'^I'his b'ing resolv'd, he spurr'd his steed.

To run at Orsin with Hill speed,

While he was busy in ihe care

OSCtrdan't wound, and unaware ;

PART I. CAN TO III, 7 >

But he was quick, and had already -705

Unto the part apply'd remedy ;
And, seeing th' enemy i>repar'd,
Drew up, and stood upon his guard.
Then, like a warrior right expert
And skilful in the martial art, 710

Tlie subtle Knight straight made a halt,
And judg'd it best to stay th' assault,
Until he had reliev'd the Squire,
And then (in order) to retire ;

Or, as occasion should invite, 7t5

With forces join'd renew the fight.
Ralpho, by this time disentranc'd.
Upon his binn himself advanc'd,
Tho' sorely bruis'd; his limbs all o'er
With ruthless bangs wei-e stiff and sore : 730

. Right fain he would have got upoa
His feet again, to get him gone ;
Wlien Hiidibras to aid him came.

Quoth he (and call'd him by his name),
Courage, the day at length is ours, 725

And we once more, as conquerors,
Have both the field and honour won ;
The foe is profligate and »-un ;
1 mean, all sijch as can; for some
This hand hath sent to their long home ; 730

And some lie sprawling on the ground,
AVith many a gash and bloody wound,
€(xsar himself could never say
He got two vict'ries in a day.

As 1 have done, that can say. Twice I 73<;

In one day, Veni, Vidi, Vici,
The foe's so numerous, that we
Cannot so often vincere
As they fierire, and yet enow

B. left to strike an after-blow : 740

Then, lest they rally, and once more
Put us to fight the business o'er,
Get up and mount thy steed, dispatcli.
And let us both their motions watch^
D

' 1 HUDIBRAS.

qiiolh Ralph, I should not, if I were 74j

Tn case for action, now be here ;
Nor ha\e I turned my back, or hang'd
An arse, for fear of being bang'd.
It was for jou I got tliese harms,
Advent'ring- to fetch off your arms. 750

The blows and drubs 1 have receiv'd
Have bruis'd my bodj, and bereav'd
ZMy limbs of strength. Unless you stoop,
And reach your hand to pull me up,
1 shall lie here, and be a prey 755

To those -who now are nm awaj-.

That thou shalt not (quoth Hudihrai).
We read, the aiicients held it was
TMore honourable far, servare

C/vem, than slay an adversary: 760

'fhe one we oft to-day have dune,
The other shall dispatch anon:
And tho' th' art of a diff'rent Church,
1 will not leave thee in the lurch.
Ihis said, he jogg'd his good steed nigher, 765

And steer'd him gently t'ward the Squire;
Then bowing down his body, stretch'd
His hand out, and at Ra'pho i-each'd ;
Wlien Tnilla, whom he did not mind,
rharg'd him like lightening behind. 770

She had been long in search about
Mngnano's wound, to find it out ;
But could find none, nor where the shot,
Ihat had so startled him, was got.
But ha% ing found the worst was past, '775

She fell to her own work at last,
The pillage of the prisoners,
Which in all feats of anus was hers ;
And now to plunder Raipli she iiew,
"When Hudihras his hard fate drew 780

To succour him ; for as he bow'd
To blip him up, she laid a load
Of blows so heavy, and plac'd so wellj
On tether side, that down ligXeH.

PART I. CANTO III. 75

Yield, scoundrel base (quoth she), or die : 785

Thy life is naiit-, and liberty :

But if thou ihink'st 1 look thee tardy,

And dar'st presume to be so hardy

To try thy fortune o'er afrt sh,

I'll wave my title to thy flesh, 790

Thy anus and baggage, now my right;

And if thou hast the heart to try't,

I'll lend thee back thyself awhile,

And once more, for that carcase vile,

Fight upon tick.— Quoth Hudibras, 795

Thou oftVr'st nobly, >aliant lass,

And I shall take thee at thy word.

First let me rise, and take my sword.

That sword which has so oft this day

Thro' squadrons of iiiy foes made way, 860

And some to other worlds dispatch'd,

Now with a feeble spinster match'd.

Will bluih, with blood igncfble stain'd,

By which no honour's to be gain'd.

But if thou'lt take m' advice in this, 805

Consi«ler, whilst thou may'st, what 'tis

To interrupt a victor's course,

B' opposing such a trivial force :

For if with conquest I come off

(And that I shail do sure enough), 810

Quartt r thou can'st not have, nor grace

By law of arms in such a case ;

Both which I now do otter freely.

I scorn (quoth she), thou coxcomb silly

(Clappnig h(. r hand upon her breech, 815

To show how much she priz'd his speech),

Quarter or counsel from a foe :

If thou canst force me to it, do.

But lest it should again be said,

Wht-n I have' once more won thy head, 82d

I took thee napping, unprepav'd.

Arm. and bi take thee to thy guard.

This said, slie to her tackle fell,
And on the Knight let fall a peal

70 HUDIBRAS^,

Of blows so fierce, and press'd so home, 8S5

TTiat he retir'd, and foUow'd 's bum.

Stand to 't (quoth slu), or jield to mercy :

It is not fighting arsie-vi rsie

Shall serve tliy turn.— This stirr'd his spleen

More than the danger hi- was in, 83«

The blows he (V It, or was to feel,

Altho' th' already made him reel.

Honour, d-^spight, revenge, and shame,

At once into his stomach came,

Whi''h fir'd it so, he rais'd his arm 835

Abo\e his head, and rain'd a storm

Of blows so terrible and thick.

As if be meant to hash her quick.

But she upon her truncheon took them.

And by oblique diversion broke them, 840

Waiting an opportunity

To pay all back with usury ;

Which long she fail'd not of; for now

The Knight with one dead-doing blow

Resolving to decide the fight, 845

And she, with quick and cunning sleight.

Avoiding it, the force and weight

He charg'd upon it w as so g^at,

As almost sway'd him to the groimd.

No sooner she th' advantage found, tgO

But in she flew ; and seconding

With home-made thrust the heavy swii^,

She laid him flat upon his side ;

And, mounting on his trunk astride,

Quoth she, I told thee what would come 855

Of all thy vapouring, base scum.

Say, will the law of ai ms allow

I may have grace and quarter now ?

Or wilt thou rather break thy word, .

And stain thine honour tlum thy sword ? SCO

A man of war to damn his soul

In basely breaking his parole 1

And when, before the fight, th' hadst T<nv'd

'i'o give Qo quarter in cold bloeU :

PART I. CANTO HI. 77

Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 865

To make m' against my will take quarter;
Whj- dost not put me to the sword,
But cowardly fly from thy word ?

Quoth HudibvaSt The day's thine own ;
Thou and thy stars have cast me down: 870

My laurels are transplanted now,
And flourish on thy conqu'ring brow :
My loss of honour's great enough,
Thou needst not brand it with a scoff:
Sarcasms may eclipse thine own, 875

But cannot blur my lost renown.
I am not now in Fortune's power;
He that is down can fall no lower.
The ancient heroes were illustrious
For being benign, and not blustrous 880

Against a vanqaish'd foe : their swords
Were sharp and trenchant, not their words;
And did in fight but cut work out
T' employ their courtesies about.

Quoth she, Altho' thou hast deserv'd, 885

Base slubberdeguUion, to be serv'd
As thou didst vow to deal with me,
If thou hadst got the victory ;
Yet I shall rather act a part

That suits my fame than thy desert. 890

Thy arms, thy liberty, beside
All that's on th' outside of thy hide,
Are mine by militai-y law,
Of which I will not bate one straw:
The rest, thy life and limbs, once mor&, 895

Tho' doubly forfeit, I restore.

Quoth Hudibras^ It is too late
For me to treat, or stipulate :
What thou commandst I must obey :
Yet those whom I expugn'd to-day, 900

Of thine own parly, I let go.
And gave them life and freedom too ;
Both dogs and bear, upon their parole,
Whom I took pris'nevs ia this quarrel.

78 HUDIBRAS.

Quoth Trulla, Whether thou or they 9QS

Lot one anotlier run away,

Concerns not me ; but was 't not thou

That gave Crowdero quarter too ?

Croivdero, whom, in irons bound,

Thou basely threw'st into Lob\- Pound, 910

Where still he lies, and witli regret

His gen'rous bowels rage and fret.

But now thy carcass shall redeem,

And serve to be exchang'd for him.

This said, the Knight did straight submit,
And laid his weapons at ht r feet.
Next he disrob'd his gaberdine.
And with it di<l hirasi If resign.
SliP took it, and foi'thwith divesting
The mantle that she wore, said, jesting,
Take that, and wear it for my sake ;
Then threw it o'er his sturdy hack.
And as (s) tht French, we conquered once,
Now give us laws for pantaloons,
The length of breeches, and the gathers, 925

Port-cannons, periwigs, and ft alhers ;
Just so the proud insulting lass
Array'd and dighted HudiOra^.

Meanwhile the other champions, yerst
In hurry of the fight disperst, .S30

Arriv'd, when Trulla won the day,
To share in th' honour and the prey,
And out of Hudibras his hide
With vengeance to be satisfy'd ;
Which now they were about to pour 935

Upon him in a v/ooden show'r ;
But Trulla thrust herself between,
And striding o'er his back agen,
She brandish'd o'er her head his sword,
And vow'd they should not break her word ; 940

Sh' had giv'n him quarter, and her blood
Or theirs should make that quarter good ;
For she was bound by law of arms
To see him, safe from ftirtber harnis.

I

PART I. CANTO III. 79

In dung-eon deep Crorvdere, cast 945

By Hudibras, as yet la,y Tast;

"\Vhei'e, to the hard and ruthless stones,

His great heart madt^ perpetual moans :

Him she resolv'd that Hudibras

Should ransom, and supply his place. 95%.

This stopt their fury, a»id the basting
Which toward Hudibras was hasting.
They thought it was but just and right,
That what slie had achiev'd in fight
She should dispose of as she pleas'd. 955

Crnvdero ought to be released ;
Nor could that any way be done
So well as this she pitch'ii upon :
For who a bitter could imagine?
This therefore they resolv'd t' engage in. 960

The Knight and Squire first they made
Rise from the gro<ind, whei-e they were laid :
Then mounted both upon their horses,
But with their fact s to the arses.
Orsin led Hudibras''^ beast, 965

And Talgol that which Ralfiho prest,
Whom stout Magnano, valiant Cerdon,
And Cola^ waited as a guard on;
All ush'ring 2'rulla in the rear,
With th' arms of either prisoner. 97*

In this proud order and array
They put themselves upon their way.
Striving to reach th' enchanted castle,
Where stout Crowdero' in durance lay stillr
Thithi r with greater speed than shows 975

And triumph over conquer'd foes
Do use t' allow, or than the bears
Or pageants borne before Lord-Mayors
Are wont to use, they soon arriv'd
In order, soldier-like eontriv'd ; 930

Still marching in a warlike posture,
As fit for battle as for muster.
The Knight and Squire tliey first unhorse,
And bending 'gainst the fort Uieii* force,

80 HUDIBRAS.

T)iey all aJvane'rf, and round about 985

Begirt the magical redoubt.

Magnan led up in tliis adventure,

And made way lor the rest to enter;

For he was skilful in black art.

No less than he tlwt built the fort; 990

And with an iron mace laid flat

A breach, which straight all enter'd at,

And in the wood n dungton found

Croudevo laid upon the g4oand.

Him the) rt^lease from dui-auce base, 995

Resior'd i' his fiddle and his case,

And liLerty bis thirsty rage

With luscious vengeance to assuage :

For he no sooner w as at large,

But TiuUa straight brought on the charge, lOO^ft

And in the selfsame limbo put

The Knight and Squire where he was shut ;

Where leaving them in Hockley i' ih' Hole,

Their bangs and durance to condole,

Confin'd and conjur'd into narrow lOOS

Enchanted mansion to know sorrow.

In the same order and an'ay

Which they advanc'd, they march'd away.

But Hudibras, who scorn'd to stoop

To Fortune, or be said to droop, 1010

Cheer'd up himself, with ends of verse,

And sayings of philosophers.

Qnoth hv, Th' one half of man, his mind,
Is, suijuris, unconfin'd,

And cannot be laid by the heels, 1015

Whate'er the other moiety feels.
'Tis not restraint or liberty
That makes men prisoners^or free ;
But perturbations that posstss

The mind, or aequanimities. 1020

The whole world was not half so wide
To Alexander, when he cry'd,
Because he had but one to subdue,
As was a paltry narrow tub to

4

PART I. CANTO III. 81

Diogenes ; -who is not s&nl 1025

(For aught that ever I could rearl)

To whine, put finger i* th' eye, and sob,

Because h' had ne'er another tub.

The ancients make two sev'ral kinds

Of prowess in heroic minds ; 1030

The active and the passive valiant;

Both which are fiari libra gallant :

For both to give blows, and to carry,

In fights are equi necessary:

But in df feats, the passive stout 1035

Are always found to stand it out

Most desp' rately, and to out-tlo

The active 'gainst a conqu'ring foe.

Tho' we with blacks and blues ai-e suggiU'd,

Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell'd ; 1040

He that is valiant, and dares fight,

Tho' drubb'd, can lose no honour by't.

Honour's a lease for lives to come>

And cannot be extended from

The legal tenant ; 'tis a chattle 1045

Not to be forfeited in a battle.

If he that in ihe field is slain,

Be in' the bed of Honour lain,

He tliat is beaten may be said

To lie in Honour's truckle-bed. lOSO

For as we see th' eclipsed sun

By mortals is more gaz'd upon,

Than when, adom'd with all his light,

He shines in serene sky most bright;

So valour, in a low estate, , 1055

Is most admir'd and wonder'd at.

Quoth Ralph, How great I do not know
We may by being beaten grow;
But none, that see how here we sit,
Will judge us overgrown with wit. 1060

As gift, d brethren, preaching by
A carnal hbur glass, do imply.
Illumination can convey
Into them what they have to say,
».2

82 HUDIBRAS.

But not how much ; so well enough' 1065

Know you to charge, but not draw off:

For who, without a cap and bauble,

Having subtluM a bear and rabble,

And might with honour have come off,

Would put it to a second proof? 1070

A politic exploit, right fit

For Presbj-terian zeal and wit.

Quoth Huclibras, 1 hat cuckoo's tone,
Halpho, thou always barp'st upon :
When thou at any thing wouldst rail, 1075

Thou mak'st Presbytery thy scale
To take the height on't, and explain
To what degree it is prophane :
Whatsoever will not with (thy what d'ye call)
Thy light jump right, thou calKst synodical : lOSO
As if Presbytei7 were a standard
To size whats'ever 's to be slander''d.
Dost not remember how this day
Thou to my beard wast bold to say.
That thou couldst prove bear-baiting equal 1085

With synods orthodox and legal ?
Do, if thou canst ; for I deny 't.
And dare thee to 't with all thy light.

Quoth Ralf)ho, Truly that is no
Hard matter for a man to do, 1090

That has but any guts in 's brains.
And could believe it worth his pains:
But since you dare and urge me to it,
You'll find I 've light enough to do it.

Synods are mystical bear-gardens, 10?5

Where elders, deputies, church-wardens,
And other members of the court,
:Manage the Babylonish sport ;
For pi-olocutor, scribe, and bear- ward,
Do differ only in a mere wonl. 1100

Both are but sev'ral syjiagogues
Of carnal men, and bears and dogs:
Both antichristian assemblies,
To mischief bent; as far 's in them lies:

PART I. CANTO III. 83

Both stave and tail with fierce contests ; 1105

The one with men, the other beasts.

The diff' rencp is, the one fights with

The tongue, the other with the teeth;

And that they bait but bears in this,

111 th' other, souls and consciences ; 1110

Where saints tliemselves are brought to stake

For gospel-light and conscience' sake ;

Expos'd to scribes and presbyters,

Instead of niastive dogs and curs;

Than whom th' have less humanity, 1115

For these at souls of men will fly.

This to the prophet did appear.

Who in a vision saw a beai',

Prefiguring the beastly rage

Of church-rule, in this latter age: 1120

As is demonstrated at full

By him that baited the (t) Pope's bull.

Bears nat'rally are beasts of prey,

That live by rapine ; so do they.

What are their orders, constitutions, 1125

Cliurch-censures, curses, absolutions,

But sev'ral mystic chains they make,

To lie poor christians to the stake,

And then set heathen officers.

Instead of dogs, about their ears ? 1130

For, to prohibit and dispense,

To find out, or to make offence ;

Of hell and heaven to dispose,

To play w ith souls at fast and loose ;

To set what characters they please, 1135

And mulcts on sin or godliness ;

Reduce the church to gospel order.

By rapine, sacrilege, and murder;

To make presbytery supreme,

And kings themselves submit to ihera; 1140

And force all people, tho' against

Their consciences, to turn saints,

Must prove a pretty thriving trade,

When saints monopolists are made.

S4 HUDIBRAS.

When pious frauds and holy shifts

Are dispensations and gifts,

Their godliness becomes mere ware,

And ev'ry synod but a fair.

Sjniods are whelps of llj' inquisition,

A mongrel breed of like pernicion,

And, growing up, became the sires

Of scribes, commissioners, and triei-s;

Whose biis'ness is, by cunning sleight,

To cast a figure for men's light;

To find, in lines of beard and face,

The physiognomy/ of grace ;

And by the sound and twang of nose,

If all be sound within, disclose ; .

Free from a crack or flaw of sinning,

As men try pipkins by the ringing;

By black caps underlaid wiili white,

Give certain gfuess at inward light.

Which Serjeants at the gospel wear,

To make the spiritual calling clear ;

The handkerchief about the neck

C Canonical cravat of (k) Smcck,

From whom the institution came.

When church and state they set on flame,

And worn by thems as badges tiien

Of spiritual warfaring men)

Judge rightly if regeneration

Be of the newest cut in fashion.

Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion,

That gi-ace is founded in dominion.

Great piety consists in pride;

To rule, is to be sanctify'd :

To domineer, and to conlroul,

Both o'er the body and the soul,

Is the most perfect discipline

Of church-rule, and by right divine.

Bell and the Dragon's chaplains were,

More moderate than these by far:

For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat.

To get theii" wives and children meat ;

PART I. CANTO III. 85

But these will not be fobb'dofF so, 1185

They must have wealth and power too;
Or else, with blood and desolation,
They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation.

Sure these themselves from primitive
And heathen priesthood do derive, 1190

When butchers were the only clerks,
Elders and presbyters of kirks ;
Whose directory was to kill;
And some believe it is so still.

The only diff'rence is, that then 1195

They slaughter'd only beasts, now men.
For then to sacrifice a bullock,
Or now and tht-n a child to Moloch,
They count a vile abomination.

But not to slaughter a whole nation. 1200

Presbytery- does but translate
The papacy to a free state ;
A commonwealth of popery,
Where ev'ry village is a see

As well as Rome^ and must maintain 3205

A tithe-pig metropolitan:
Where ev'ry presbyter and deacon
Commands the keys for cheese and bacon ;
And ev'ry hamlet's governed

By 's holiness, the church's head, 1210

More haughty and severe in 's place,
Than Gregory or Boniface.
Such church must (surely) be a monster.
With many heads: for if we conster
What in th' Jpocalypse we find, 1215

According to the apostle's mind,
'Tis that the whore of Enbylon
With many heads did ride upon ;
\Vhieh heads denote the sinful tribe
Of deacon, priest, lay-elder, scribe. 1220

Lay-elder, Simeon to Levi,
'.Whose little fingi^r is as heavy
As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate,
And bishop-secular. This zealot

\

86 HUDIBRAS.

Is of a mongrel, diverse kind,

Cleric before, and lay bt-hind ;

A lawless liiisey-wortlsey brother,

Half of one order, halt a/>other ;

A creature of amphibious nature,

On land a btast, a fish in water ; 1230

That always preys on grace or sin ;

A sheep without, a wolf within.

This fierce inquisitor has chief

Dominion over men's belief

And manners; can pronounce a saint 1235

Idolatrous, or ignorant,

When superciliously he sifts

Thro' coarst'st bolter others' gifts :

For all men live and judge amiss,

Whose talents juinp uot just with his. 124&

He'll lay on gifts with hands, and place

On dullest noddle light and gi-ace,

The manufacture of the kii-k ;

Those pastors are but th' handy-work

Of his mechanic paws, instilling 1245

Divinity in them by feeling;

From whence they start up chosen vessels,

Made by contact, as men get meazles.

(x) So cardinals, they say, do grope

At th' other end the new-made Pope. 1250

Hold, hold! qaoth Hudibras ; soft fire.
They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire,
Featina lente, not too fast ;
For haste (the proverb says) makes waste.
The quirks and cavils thou dost make 1255

Are false, and built upon mistake ;
And I shall bring you, with your pack
Of fallacies, t' ete/uAJ back ;
And put your arguments in mood
And figure, to be understood. 1260

I'll force you by right ratiocination,
To leave your (y) vitilitigation,
And make you keep to th' question clospj
And argue dialecticoi.

1^

PART I. CANTO III. 87

The question, then, to state it first, 1265

Is, Which is better, or whicli worst,
Synods or bears ? Bears I avow
To be the worst, and synods thou.
But to make good th' assertion.
Thou sayst th' are really all one. 1270

If so, not Avorst ; for if th' are idem,
\Vl)y then tantundem dat tantidem.
For if they are the same, by course
Neither is better, neither worse.

But I deny they are the same, 1275

More than a maggot and I am.
That both are anhnalia,
I grant ; but not rationalia :
For tho' they do agi-ee in kind,
Specific difference we find ; 1280

And can no more make bears of these,
Than prove my horse is Socrates.
Tliat synods axe bear-gardens too,
Thou dost affirm ; but I say, No :
And thus I prove it, in a word, 1285

Whats'ever assembly's not empower'd
To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain,
Can be no synod : but bear-garden
Has no such pow'r; ergo, 'tis none :
And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown. 1290

But yet we are beside the question,
Which thou didst raise the first contest on ;
For that was, Whether bears were better
Than synod-men ? I say, Negatur.
That bears are beasts, and synods men, 1295

Is held by all : they're better then i
For bears and dogs on four legs go.
As beasts ; but synod-men on two.
'Tis true, they all have tteih and nails ;
But prove that synod-men have tails ; 1300

Or that a nigged, shaggy fur
Grows o'er the hide of presbyter ;
Or that his snout and spacious ears
, Do hold proportigB with a bear's.

88 HUDIBRAS.

A bear's a savage beast, of all 130S

Most ugly and unnatural ;

Whelp'd without form, until the dam

Has lick'd it into shape and frame :

But all thy light can ne'er evict,

That ever synod-man was lickt; 1310

Or brought to any other fashion,

Than Iiis o« n will and inclination.

But thou dost further yet in this
Oppugn thyself and sense; that is,
Thou wouldst have presbyters to go 1315

For bears and dogs, and bear-wards too :
A strange chimera of beasts and men,
Made up of pieces heterogene;
Such as in nature never met
In eodem subjecto yet. 1320

Thy other arguments are all
Supposm-i s, hypothetical,
That do but beg, and we may chuse
Either to grant th< m, or refuse.
Much thou hast said ; which I know wheD, 133f

And whfre, thou stol'st from other men;
(Whereby 'tis plain thy light and gifts
Are all but plagiary shifts ;)
And is the same that ranter said.
Who, arguing with me, broke my head, - 1330

And tore a handful of my beard.
The selfsame cavils then I beard,
W^hen b'ing hot in dispute about
This controversy, we fell out;

And what thou know'st I answer'd then, 1335

Will S( rve to answer thee agen.

Quoth Ralphu, Nothing but th' abuse
Of human lear.ting you produce;
Learning, that cobweb of the brain,
Profane, erroneous, and vain; 1346

A trade of knowledge, as replete
As others are of fraud and cheat;
An art t' encurnber gifts and wit
And reudev both for nothing fit ;

PART I. CANTO III. 89

Makes light unactive, dull, and troubled, 1345

Like little David in SauPs doublet:

A cheat thai scholars put upon

Other men's reason and their own;

A fort of error, to ensconce

Absur'lity and ignorance ; 1350

That renders all the avenues

To truth, impervious and abstruse.

By making plain things, in debate,

By art, pirplex'd and intricate:

For nothing goes for setise, or light, 3355

That will not with old rules .jump right :

As if rules were not in the schools

Deriv'd from truth, but truth from rules.

This pagan, heathenish invention,

Is good for nothing but contention. 1360

For as in sword-and-buckler fight,

All blows do on the target light :

So when men argue, the great'st part

O' th' contest falls on terms of art,

Until the fustian stuff be spent, 136*

And then they fall to th' argument.

Quoth Hudibras; Friend Ralph, thou hast
Out-run the constable at last:
For thou art fallen on a new

Dispute, as senseless as untrue, 1370

But to the former opposite,
And contrary as black to white ;
Mere {z) di^parata; that concerning
Presbytery, ihis human learning ;
Two things s' averse, they never yet 1375

But in thy rambling fancy met.
But I shall take a fit occasion
T' evince thee by ratiocination.
Some other time, in place more proper
Than this w' are in ; therefore let's stop hei'e, 1380
And rest our weary'd bones awhile,
Already tir'd with other toil.

NOTES to PART I. CANTO I.

1 (a) irHE N ci\i\ dudgeon, &c.'] Dudgeon, Who
made th alterations in the last Edition ol" this Poem
I know not, but they are certainlj^ sometimes for the
worse ; and I cannot believe the Author would have
changed a word so proper in that place as dudgeon
is, for that of funj, as it is in the last Edition. To
take in dudgeon, is inwardi) to resent some injurjor
affront ; a sort of grumbling in the gizzard, and what
is prtrvious to actual fury.

24 (6) That could as -well, &c.] Bind over to the Ses-
sions, as being a Justice of the Peace in his County, as
veil as Colonel ofa Regiment of Foot in the Parlia-
ment's army, and a committee-man.

38 (c) As Montaigne, &c.j Monaigne, in his Essays,
supposes his cat thouglit him a fool, for losing his time
in playing with her.

62 (d) To make some, &c.] Here agai]i is an alter-
ation without any amendment ; for the following line?,

A7id truly, so he 7vas, perhaps,
Not as a Proselyte, but for Claps,

Are thus changed,

And truly so, perhaps, he rvas ;
^Tis many a pious Christianas case.

The Heathens had an odd opinion, and have a
strange reason why Moses imposed the law of circum-
cision on the Jews, which, how untrue soever, I will
give the learned reader an account of without transla-
tion, as I find it in the annotations upon Horace,
■wrote by my worthy and leariied friend Mr. tVUliam
Baxter, the great restorer of the aucient and promote i:
of modem learning.

PART I. CANTO I. 91

Hor. Sat, 9. Sermon. Lib. I.

Cuitis; quia pellicula imminuti sunt ; quia Moses Rex
Judceorum, cujus Legibus reguntur, negligentia ^it^aiSus
medicinaliter exsectus est, & ne solus esset nutabilis,
emnes circumcidi voluit. Vtt. Scliol. Vocein (p'ftwS'ns
qu£e inscitia Librarii e\cidt-rat reposuimus ex conjec-
tura. uti & medicinaliter exsectus pro medicinalis effec'
tus qnse nihil erant. G^is miretur ejusmodi convicia
honiini Epieureo atque Pa^ano excidisse ? Juiv igitur
Henrico Glareano Diaboli Organum vidttur. Etiam
Satyra Qiiinta hsec liahet: Constat omwa miracula
certa ratione fieri, de quibus Epicurei /jrudeuiissime
disputant.

66 (e) Profoundlij skilVd, &c.] Anahjtick is a part of
log^ic, that teaches to decline and construe reason, as
grammar does \voi*ds.

93(/; A Babylonish, &c.] A confusion of languages,
aiich as some of our modern Virtuosi used to express
themselves in.

103 (g) Or Ce7-berjis himself, &c.] Cerberus; a name
which poets gave a dog with three heads, which they
feigned door-keeper of Hell, that caressed the unfor-
tunate souls sent thither, and devoured them that
would get out again ; yc t Hercules tied him up, and
made him follow. I'his dog with three heads denotes
the past, the present, and the time to come ; which
receive and as it were devour all things. Hercules
got the better of him, which shows that !)eroic actions
are always victonous over time, because they are
present in the memory of posteritj^.

115 (A) That had the. Sec] Demosthenes, who is said
to have had a defect in his pronunciation, which he
cured by using to speak with little stones in his
mouth .

120 (i) Tfian Tycho Brake, &c.] Tycho Brake was an
eminent Danish mathematician. Quer. in Collier's
Dictionary, or elsewlvere.

131 {k) Whatever Sceptick. (drr.] Sceptick. Pyrrho
was ilie chief of the Sceptick Philosophers, a»d w^g

92 BUDIBRAS.

at first, as Apollodorus saith, a i)ainter, then became
the hearer of Driso, and at last the dbciple of An^
axagorof, whom he followed into India, to see the
Gymnosophists, He pretended that men did nothing
but by custom ; tliat there was neither honesty nor
dishonesty, justice nor injustice, good nor evil. He
was very solitary, lived to be ninety years old, was
highly esteemed in his couiftry, and created chief
priest. He lived in the time of Epicurua and Theth
phrastus, about the 120th Olympiad. His followers
were called Pyrrhonians : besides which they were
named the Ephecticks and Aphoreticks, but more
generally Seepticks. This sect made their chiefest
good to consist in a sedateness of mind, exempt from
all passions ; in regulating their opinions, and moder-
ating their passions, which they called Ata:fia and
Metiiopatlda ; and in suspending their judgment in
regard of good and evil, truth or falsehood, which
they called Epechi. Sextus Empirkus, who lived in
the second century, undt'r tlie Emperor Antoninus
Pius, writ ten books against the mathematicians or
astrologers, and three of the Pyrrhonian opinion.
The word is derived from the Greek (nu^ls<r^»t, quod
est, considerare, speculari.

143 (0 He could reducg, &c.] The old philosophers
thought to extract notions out of natural tilings, as
chemists do spirits and essences; and, when they had
refined them into the nicest subtleties, gave them as
insignificant names as those operators do their ex-
tractions : But (as Seneca says) the subtler things are
rendered, they are but the nearer to nothing. So are
all their definitions of tilings by acts the nearer to
nonsense.

147 (m) JVhere Truth, &c.] Some authors have mis-
taken truth for a real thing, when it is nothing but a
right method of putting those notions or images
of things (in the understanding of man) into the
same state and order that their originals hold in na-
ture, and therefore Aristotle says, Unumquodque akut

PART I. CANTO I. S3

se Iiabet secundum esse, ita se Iiabei secundum verita-
Wn. Met. L. ii.

184 (n) Like words congeaVd, &c.] Some report that
in Nova Zembla, and Greenland, men's words are
vont to be frozen in the air, and at the thaw may be
heard.

151 (o) In School-Divinity as able.

As he that hight Irrefragable, &c.']

Here again is another alteration of three or four
lines, as I think, for the worse.

Some specific epithets were added to the title of
some famous doctors, as Angelicus, Irrefvagabilis, Stib'
tilis. Etc. Vide Vossi Etymolog. Baillet Jugemens de
Sgavans, & Possevui's Apparatus.

153 (/>) A Sicond Thomas, or, at once

To name them all, another Duns.

Thomas Aquinas, a Dominican friai-, was bom in
1224, and studied at Cologne and Paris. He new
modelled the School divinity, and was therefore call-
ed the Angelic Doctor, and Eagle of Div?7ies. The
most illustrious persons of his time were ambitious of
his friendship, and put a high value on his merits, so
that they offered him bishopricks, which he refused
with as much ardour as others seek after them. He
died in the fitlieth year of his age. and was canonized
by Pope John XII. We have his works in eighteen
volumes, several times printed.

Johannes Dunscotus was a very learned man, who
lived about the end of the thirteenth and beginning
of the fourteenth century. The English and Scotch
strive which of them shall have the honour of his
birth. The English say, he was born in Northun>-
berland : the Scots allege he was bom at Dunse, in
the Merse, the neighbouring county to Northumber-
land, and hence was called DunscotxM. Mortri, Bup

94 HUDIBRAS.

chanan, and other Scotch historians, are of this o^i*
nioDj and for proof cite his epitaph :

Scotia megenuit, Anglia suscepit^
Gallia edocuic, Germania tenet.

He died at Cologne, November 8, 1308. In the su>
pleiuent to Dr. Cavers Historia Lileraria, he is said to
be extraordinary learned in physicks, nietaphysicks,
mathematicks, and astronomy ; that his iame was so
great when at Oxford, that 30,000 scholars came thither
to hear his lectures : tliat when at Paris, his argun;ents
and autliority carried it for the immaculate concep-
tion of the Blessed Virgin ; so that they appointed a
festival on that account, and would admit no scholar?
to degrees but such as were of this mind. He was a
great opposer ot Thomas Aquinas's doctrine ; and,
for being a \ery acute logician, was called Doctor
SuOtilis ; which was the reason also, that an old pun-
ster always called him the Lathy Doctor.

158 {q) As tough as, Scc.J Sorbon was the first and
most considerable college of tlie university of Paris,
founded in the reign of St. Lewis, by Robert Sorbon,
which name is sometimes given to the whole UBiver-
sity of Paris, Avhich was founded, about the year 741,
by Charlemagne, at the persuasion of the learned
Akuinus, who was one of the first professors there ;
since which time it has been very famous. This col-
lege has been rebuilt with an extraordinary magni-
ficence, at the charge of Cardinal Richlieu, and con-
tains lodgings for thirtyi>six doctors, who are called
the Society of Sorbon. Tliose which are received
among them before tliey have received their doctor's
degree are only said to be of the Hospitality of Soibon,
Claud. Hemeraus de Acad. Paris. Spondan. in
Aunal.

173 (/•) He knew, &c.] There is nothing more ridi-
culous than the various opinions of authors about
the seat of Paradise. Siii- Walter IlaieigU has taken

PART I. CANTO I. Sir

a great deal of pains to collect them, in the begin-
ning of his History of the World ; where those, who
are unsatisfied, may be fully informed.

180 (*) By a High-Dutch, &c.^ Goroplus Becar.us
endeavours to prove that High- Dutch was the lan-
guage that Adam and Eve spoke in Paradise.

181 {t) If either of, &c.] Adam and Eve being
made, and not conceived and formed in the womb,
had no navels, as some learned men have supposed,
because they liad no need of them.

182 {u) IVho first made, &c.] Musick is said to be
iiivei^ed by Pythagoras, who first found out the pro-
portion of notes from the sounds of hammers upon
an anvil,

232 (7t) Like Mahomet''s, &c.] Mahomet had a tame
dove, that used to pick seeds out of his ear, that it
might bt thought to whisper and inspire him. His
ass was so intimate with him, tliat the Mahometans
belifved it carried him to heaven, and stays there
with him to bring him back again.

257 {x) It Tvas Monastic, and did groxv
In holy Orders by strict Voiv.

He made a vow never to cut his beard until the
Pai-liament had subdued the King ; of which order of
fanatic votaries there were many in those tunes.

281 (?/) So learned Taliacofius, &e,] Taliacotius was
an Italian surgeon, that found out a way to repair
lost and decayed noses.

This Taliacotius was chief surgeon to the Great
Duke of Tuscany, and wrote a treatise, De Curtis
Metnbris, which he dedicates to his great master;
whtirin he not only declares the models of his won-
derful operations in restoiiug of lost members, but
gives you cuts of the very instruments and ligatures
he made use of tlierein ; from hence our author (cum
poetica licentia) lias taken his simile.

289 (z) For as JEncas, &c.] Mneas was tJie son of
Anchises auU Yeiius ; a Trojan, who, after long tra'

9G HUDIBRAS.

Vels, came into Italy, and, after the deatli of his
father-in-law, Latinus, was made king of Latium, and
reigned three years. His storj' is too long to insert
here, and therefore I refer jou to VirgWs ^neids,
Troy being laid in ashes, lie took his aged father An-
chises upon his back, and rescued him from his ene-
mies. But being too solicitous for his son and house-
hold gorls, he lost his wife Creusa ; which Mr. Drjden,
in his excellent translation, thus expresseth :

Haste, my dear father, Ctis no time toivait,)
And load my shoulders with a ivUling fr eight,
Wliate'er befals, your life sfiall be my care;
One death, or one deliverance^ we 7vlU share.
My hand shall lead our lit fie son. and you,
My faithful consort, sliall our steps pursue.

337 (a) For Arthur^ &c.] Who this Arthur was,

and whether any ever reigned in Britain, has been
doubttd heretofore, and is by some to this very day.
However, the history of him, which makes him one of
the nine ^^ orthit s of the world, is a subject sufficient
for the poet to be pleasant upon.

359 {b) Toledo trusty, &c. ] Tlie capital city of

New Castile, in Spain, with an archbishopric and pri-
macy. It was very famous, aiiiongst other things, lor
tempering the liest m. tal for swords, as Damascus
was, and perhaps may be still.

389 (c) But left the Trade, as many more
Have lately done, &c.

Oliver Cromwell and Colonel Pride had been both
brewers.

433 (d) That Csesar's Horse, who, as Fame goes,
Had Corns upon his Feet and Toes,

Julius Ccesar had a horse with feet like a man's.
Utebatur equo insigni ; pedibus prope humanis, <r in
modum digitorum ungulisfssi^. Suet, in Jul. Cap. 61-

I

PART I. CANTO I. %'T

467 (e) Themighlij Tyrian Oiieen, that gain'' d
With subtle Shreds a Tract of Land.

Dido, queen of Carthaj^e, who bought as mm-Ii land
as she could compass with an ox's hide, which she cut
into small tliongs, and cheated the owner of so luuch
ground as served her to build Carthage upon.

476 (/) As the bold, &c.] J?.neis, whom Virgil re-
ports to use a golden bough for a pass to hell ; and
taylors call that place hell where they put all they
steal.

526 {g) As three, &c.] Read the great Geographi-
cal Dictionary, under that word.

530 {h) In Magic, &c.] Talisman is a device t3
destroy any sort of vermin, by casting their images iu
metal, in a precise minute, when the stars are per-
fectly inclined to do them all the miscliief they can.
This has been experieneetl by some modern Virtuosi
upon rats, mice, and fleas, and found (as tliey affirm)
to produce the elfect with admirahle success.

Rayniund Lully interprets cabai, out of the Arable,
to signify Scier.tta superabundans ; winch his com-
nientator, Cornelius Agripfja, by ovcr-magnifyiag, has
reJidered a very superfluous foppery.

533 (i) As fur as, &c.] T'he autlior of Magia Ada-
?iuca endeavours to prove the It aruing of the ancient
?>Iagi to be derived iroiu tliat i; now ledge which God
himself taught Adam in Pai-adise before the fall,

535 And much o/" Terra Incognita,
Tlie intelligible IVorld, could say,

. The intelligible world is a kind o? Terra del Fuego,
or Psittacorum Regio, &c. discovered only by the phi-
losophers; of which they talk, like parrots, what they
do not understand.

538 {k) As learned, &c.] No nation in tlie world is

more addicted to this occult philosophy than the

wad-Irish are, as appears by .the whole practice ol

E

08 HTJDIBRAS.

their lives; of which see Camden, in his Description of
Ireland.
« 539 (/) Or Sir Agrippn, &c.] They who would
know more of Sir Cornelius Agrippa, here meant,
niay consult the Great Dictionary.

541 (772) He Anthroposophus and Floud,
And Jacob Belunen understood.

Anthroposophus is only a compound Greek wovtJ,
which sigiiifits a man that is wise in the knowledge
of men, as is used by some anonymous author to
conceal his true name.

Dr. Floud was a sort of an English Rosicrucian,
whose works are extant, and as intelligible as those
o{J(!£(A Behmen.

545 in) In Rosicrucian Lore as learned,
As he that Vere Adeptus earned.

The fraternity of the Rosicrucians is very like the
sect of the aiicitnt Gnostici, who called thtmselves
so from the exctllent learning they pi-etended to, al-
though they were really the most ridiculous sots of
mankind.

Vere Adeptus is one that has commenced in their
fanatic extravagance.

646 (o) Thou that with Ale, or viler Liquors,

Didst inspire Withers, Pryn, arid VicaJCr.

This Vicars was a man of as gi-eat interest and aa«|
tUority in the late reformation as Pi-yn or IVuhersi,
and as able a poet. He translated VirgiCs JEneidg\
into as horrible travesty in earnest, as tlie French
Scui oon did in burlesque, and was only outdone in his
way oy the politic author of Oceana.

714 (/») iVe that are, &c.3 Thiis speech is set down
as it was delivered by the Knight, in his own wonls^
tout since it is below the gravity of bQmoal poetry to

PART I. CANTO I. 99

admit of humoui", btit all men are obliged to speak
wisely ali'<e, and too much of so extravagant a lolly
would become tedious and impertinent, the rest of
his harangues have only his sense expressed in other
words, unless in some few places, where his own w ords
could not be so well avoided.

752 (q) In bCoody, &c.] Cynarctomachy signifies no-
thing in the world but a fight between dogs and
bears ; though botli thr learned and ignorant agree
that in such words very great kno'.vledge is contained :
and our Knight, as one, or both, of those, was of the
some opinion.

758 (7-; Or Force, &.C.] Another of the same kind,
which, though it appear ever so leanied and pro-
found, means nothing else but the weeding of corn.

777 (0 The Indians /ou^A^P- the truth

Ofth'' Elephant and Monkey's Tooth.

The History of the White Elephant and the Mon-
key's Tooth, which the Indians adored, is written by
Mons. le Blanc, This monkey's tooth was taken by
the Portuguese from those that worshipped it ; and
though they offered a vast ransom for it, yet the
Christians were persuaded by ^eir priests ratlier to
burn it. But as soon as the fire was kindled, all the
people present were not able to endure the horrible
stink that came from it, as if the fire had been made
of thf same ingredients with which seamen use to
compose that kind of grenados which they call stink-
ards.

^786 (0 The Rage, &c.] Boute:feus is a French word,
and therefore it were uncivil to suppose any English
person (especially of quality) ignorant of it, or so ill-
bred as to need an exposition.

903 (m) 'Tis sung, &.C.J Mamaluke is the name of
the militia of the Sultans of Egypt. It signified a ser-
vant or soldier. They -.vere comruonly captives taken
from amdngst the Christians, and instructed in mili-
tary disciplioe, and did not marrj'. Their power was

100 HUDIBRAS.

great ; for, besides that the Sultans were chosen out
of their botly, they disposed of the most important
offices of the kingdom. They were formidabl. about
200 years ; till at last Selim, Sultau of the Turks,
routed them, anS killed iheiu- Sultan, near Ali-ppo,
1516, and so put an end to the empire of the Mama-
lukes. which had lasted i67 years. PauIusJovius, Jkc.

No question but the rliyme to Mamaluke was
meant Sir Samuel Luke, of whom in the preface.

913 (h)) Honour w liJc&, &c.] Our English proverbs
are not impertinent to this purpose :

He that ivoos a Maid, munt seldom come in her Sight :
But he that ivoos a IVidmv, must -woo her Day and

Kf/^ht.
He that woes a Mai<^Mtatst fe/gn, lie, andjiatter:
But he that ivoos a IVmnv. must down -with his Breeches

and at her.

This pi-overb being somewhat immodest, Mr. Ray
says he would not have inserted it in his collection,
but that he met with it in a little book, intitled, the
Quakers'' Spiritual Court proclaimed; written by Na-
thaniel Smith, Student in Physic ; wherein the author
tn< ntioiis it as counsS given him by Hilkiah Bedford,
an eminent Quaker in London, who would have had
him to have married a rich widow, in whose house he
lodged. In case he could get her, this Nathaniel
Sruith had promised Hilkiah a chamber gratis- The
whole narrative is W4)rt!i t!ie reading*

NOTES TO PART I. CANTO n.

47 Cx) That is to say, 7i>hether ToUutation,
As they do tcrm't, or Succussation.

ToUutation and Succussafioti are only Latin words
for ambling and trotting ; though 1 believe both wer^
natural amongst the old Romans ; since I ne\ er read
they made use of the trammel, or any other ait, to
pace their liorses.

60 (y) As Indian Britons, &c.'] The American In-
dians call a greali. bird tht-y have, with a white head,
a penguin, which signifies the samt^ thing in the Bri-
tish tongue ; from wh- nee (with other words of the
same kind) some authors have endeavourea to prove,
that the Americans are originally derived from the
Britons.

65 (z) The dire, &c.] Pharsalia is a city of Thessaly,
famous for the battle won by Julius Ca'sar against
Pompey the Great, in the neighbouring plains, in the
607th year of Rome, of which read Lucaii's Pharsalia-

129 (c) Chiron, the, &c.] Chiron, a Centaur, son to
Saturn and Phillyris, living in tiie mountains, where,
being ihuch given to Iiunting, he became very know-
ing in the virtues of plants, and one of the most famous
physicians of his time. He imparted his skill to J£,scu-
lapius, and was afterwards Apollo's governor, until
being wounded by Hercules, and desiring to die, Ju-
piter placed him in heaven, where he foi'ms the sign
of Saj;ittarius, or the Archer.

133 (jb) In Staffordshire, ivhere virtuous Worih
Does raise the Minstrelsy, not Birth, &c.

The whole history of this ancient cerejnony you
may read at large in Dr. Flot^s History of Stafford-
shire, under the town Tutburj'.

103 HUDIBRAS.

155 (c) Grave as, fic.} For the history of Peg^ift
read Mandelsn and Olearius's Travels.

172 In military, J<cc.] Paris Gai-den, in South*
wark, took its name from the possessor.

231 Though by, &c.] Promethean. /?rr. Prometheus
was the son of lapetiis, and brother of Atlas, concern-
ing whom the poets have feigned, that having first,
formed men of tlie earth and water, he stole fire from
heaven to put life into them ; and thu having there-
by displeased Jupiter, he commanded Vulcan to tie
him to mount Caucasus with iron cliains, and that a
vulture should prey upon his Ii\er continually: but
the truth of the story is, that Prometheus was an
astrologer, and constant in observing the stars upon
that mountain ; and that, amongipther things, he
found the art of making fire, either by ihe means of
a fiint, or by contracting the sun-beams in a glass.
Buthavt will have Magog, in the Scripture, to be the
Prometheus of the Pagans.

He here and before sarcastically derides those who
were great admirers of the sympathetic powder and
weapon salve, which were in great repute in those
days, and much promoted by the great Sir Kenebn
Digby, who wrote a treatise ex -jrofcsso on that sub-
ject, and. I believe, thought what he wrote to be true,
which since has been almost exploded gut of the
woi-ld.

267 And hnong, Jkc] Cossacks are a people that
live near Poland. This name was given them for
their exiraoi-dinary nimbii^ness ; for rosa, or kosa, ia
thf Polish tongue, signifies a goat. He that would
know more of them, may read Lc Laboreur and Thulr
denus.

275 And tho\ &c.] This custom of the Huns is de-
sciibed by Ammianus MarcdUnus : Hunni semicruda
cujusvis Pecoris came vescuntur, quam inter femora
sua <iy equorum terga subsertam, calefacient brevi. P.

e86.

283 He spous'd in India,

Of noble House, a Lady gay.

PART I. CANTO II. 103

The Stoi7 in Le Blanc, of a bear that married a
king's daughter, is no more strange than many others,
in most travellers, that pass with allowance; for ii"
they should write nothing but what is possible, or pro-
bable, they might app-ar to have lost their labour,
and observed nothing but what they might have done
as well at home.

343 In Magic he was deeply read.

As he that made the Brazen-Head ;
Profoundly skiWd in the Black Art,
As EngUnh Merlin yor his Heart.

Roger Bacon and Hilerlin. See Collier's Dictionary.

358 ((/) As Joan^crc] Two notorious women; the
last was known lieie by the name oi' Mall Cwpurse..

378 (e) Than tW Amazoniai:, drc.J Pcnthesile, qu'-en
of the Amazons, succeeded Orylhia. Sht carried suc-
cours to the Trojans, and, after having given noble
proofs of her braveiy, was killed l>v Aihdles. Phny
saith, it was she that invented the battle-ax. D" any
04\e desire to know more of the Amazons, let him read
Ml". Sanson.

385 (/) They ivou'd not sujfer the stoufst Dame
To swear by Hereules's Name.

The old Romans had particular oaths for men and
women to swear b) ; and therefore Macroinus says,
Viri per Castorem non jurabant anti'juVus, nee Mu-
lieres per Hercidetn ; J^depol autem juramentum crat
turn mulieribus, quam viris commune, &c'.

393 {g) As stout, &e.] Two formidable women at
arms, in romances, that were cudgelled into love by
their gallants.

395 (h) Of Gundibeit, &c.2 Gundibert is a feigned
name, made use of by Sii- William d^Avenant in his
famous epic poem, so called; wherein you may find
also that of his mistress. This poem was designed by
the author to be an imitation of the English Dcama ;

1 't HUDICRAS.

it. being divided into five bool<s, as the other is into
Jive acts; the Cantos to be paraliel of the scenes,
Avith this difference, that this is delivered natratiiely,
the other dialogucwise. It \vas.ushertd into the world
by a large preface, written by Mr. Hobbcs, and by the
pens oi" two of our best i)oets, viz. Mr. IValter and Mr.
Cmvley, which one wouhl have thought might have
proved a sufficient defence and protection against
snarling critics. Notwiihstauding which, fdur emi-
nent wits of tliat age (two of which were Sir John
Daiham and IVIr. Donne) published several copies of
vei'ses to Sir William's discrtiVil, under this title, Cer-
tain Verses rcrinen bij several of the Author''s Friends,
to be rcfirinted iiith the second EdUion ©/"Gundibert in
'Svo. Land. 1653. These verses were as wittily an-
swered by the author, under this title, The Incomfm-
rabk Poem o/'Gundibert vindicated from the Wit Com-
t>Gt of four Esquires, Clinias, Damoetas, Sancfio, a)id
.'ackPudding; printed in Bvo. Land. 1665. Vid.
Langbairts Account of Dramatic Poets.

495 (i) mat Qistrum, c^f.] CRstriim is not only
a Greek word for madness, but signifies also a gad-
ijec, or horse-fly, that torments c;tttle in the summer,
and makes them run about as if they were mad.

524 (A:) Wi.re in their Hats, &c.] Some few days
after the King had accused the five IMembtrs^ of Trea-
son in the House of Commons, great crowds of the
rsbljle came down to Westminster-Hall. M'iih printed
copies of the protestation- tied in their hats like fa-
Tours.

525 (J) When Hwas^resolv'dbtj either Home
Si.v Members' Qi-artcl to es/wuse.

The six Membej-s were the I-ord KimhoUon, IMr.
Fijni, ]\Ir. Hoilis, Mr. Hampden, Sir Arthur Haslerig,
and Mr. Stroud, w liom the King ord( red to be appre-
li( ndtd, and their papers seized; charging thenj of
pUilling with the Scots, and favouring the late lu-
ihultsi but the House voted against the arrest of

PART I. CANTO 11. 105

their pei'sons oi- papers ; whereupon the King having
preferred articles against those Members, he went
with his guard to the House to demand them ; but
they, having notice, withdrew.

578 (;)() Make that, &c.] Abusive or insulting had
been better ; but our Knight believed the learned lan-
guage more convenient to understand in than h^s
own Mother-tongue.

649 (ji) And is indeed the self-same Case
With theirs that swore et caeteraa.

The Convocation, in one of the short Parliaments,
that ushered in the long one (as dwarfs are wont to do
knight-eri-ants), made an oatli to be taken by the
clergy for observing canonical obedience ; in which
they enjoined their bretliren, out of the abundance of
iheir consciences, to swear to articles with crc

651 (o) Or tfie French League, in which Men vorv'd
To Jight to the last Drop of Blood.

Tlie Holy League in France, designed and made foe
the extirpation of the Protestant Religion, was the
originaJ, out of which the Soknni League and Cove-
nant here was (with the djfterence only of circum-
stances) most faithfully transcribed. Nor did the suc-
cess of both differ more than the intent a.nd purpose ;
for after the destruction of vast numbers of peo/^le of
all sorts, both endt-d with the mutter of two Kings,
whom they had both sworn to defend : and as our
Covenanters swore every man, to run one lieforc
another in the way of Reformation, so did the French,
in the Holy League, to fight to tlie last drop of bloo*.t

US

NOTES TO PART I. CANTO III.

134 (/>) First Trulla staved, &c.] Staving and Tail-
ing are terms of art used m the Bear Gai-den, and
signify there only the parting of dogs and bf ars :
though they are ustd metaphorically in several otlier
professions, for moderating ; as law , divinity, hector-
ing, &c.

153 (g) Or like the late corrected leathern
Ears of the Circumcised Brethren.

P;-j/jj, Bastwick, and Burton, wlio laid down their
ears as proxies for their profession of the gotUy party,
not long after maintained then* right and title to the
pillory to be as good and lawful as theirs wlio first of
all took possession of it in tlieir namt s.

32^ (r) That old, &c.] Fysmalion^ king of Tyre,
was the son of Margenus, or Mechres, whom he suc-
ceeded, and lived 56 yi ars. whereof he reigned 47.
Dido^ his sister, was to have govt rncd witii hira, but
it was pretended the subjects thought u .yt conveni-
ent. She manied ^Anueus, who was the king's uncle,
and very rich ; wherefore he put him to dtalh ; and
Dido soon after departed the kingdom. Poets say,
PijgmaHon was punished for the hatred he bore to
women with the love he had to a statue.

923 (j) And as the French we conquer''d once,
Now give us Laws for Pantaloons, &c.

Pantaloons, and Port Cannons were some of the
fantastic fashions wherein we ape the French.

At qvisquis Insula satvs Britannica
Sic patiia insolens fast/diet snain.
Ut more siinice lubvret fm^^rc.

PART I. CANTO III. lOT

Et cenwlarl GalHcas tne/>tias,
Et omni Gallo ego hum opinor ehrium ;
Ergo ex Britanno, ut Gallus esse nilitur
Sic Diijubete,Jiat ex Gullo Cabiis.

THOMAS MORE..

Gallus is a river in Phrj'gia, rising out of the moun-
tains of Celenie. and discharging itself into the river
Sanger, the water of which is of that admirable quali-
ty, lliat, being moderately drank, it purges the brain,
and cures madness ; but largely drank, it makes meu
Irantie. Pliny, Horatiiis.

1123 {t) A learned divine in King James''s time
wrote a polemic work against the Pope, and gave it
that uniuckymck name of The Po/jc''s Bull baited.

1166 {ti) Canonical Cravat, ^cl Smectymnuus was
a club of five parliaraentai'y holders-forth ; tlie cha-
racters of whose names and talents were by them-
selves expressed in that senselt-ss and insignificant
word. They wore handkcrcliiefs about their necks
for a mark of distinction (as t!ie Officers of the Par-
liament Army then did},, which afterwards degene-
rated into carnal cravats. About the beginning of
the long Parliament, in the year 1641, these five
wrote a book against Episcopacy and the Common
Prayer, to whieli they all subscribed their names;
herns; 'Stephen Marshal, Etlmiin Calatny, Thoina
Tuung, MafUiew Neivcomen, and William Spurstoiv,
and from thence they and their followers were called
Sinectymnians. They are remarkable for another
pious book, which they wrote some time after that,
iiititled, The Kin^^s Cabinet unlocked, wherein ali
the chaste and endearing expressions, in the letters
that passed betwixt his Majesty King Charles I and
his Royal Consoi't are by these painful labourers
in the Devil's vineyard turned into burlesque and
ridicule. Their books were answered with as much
caliiintss and genteelness of expression, and as much
learuijig and honesty, by the Rev. Mr. Symunds,

108 HUDIBRAS.

then a deprived clergj-man, as theirs was stuflEW
with malice,, spleen, and rascally invectives.

1249 (x) So Cardinals they say do grope

At father end (he netv-made Pope.

This relates to the storj- of Pope Joan, who was
called John VIII. Platina saith she was of English ex-
traction, but born at Mentz ; who, having disguised
herself like a man, travelled with her paramour to
Athens, where she made such progress in learning,
that coming to Rome, she met with few that could
equal her; so that, on the death of Pope Leo IV,
she was chosen to succeed him ; but being got with
child by one of her domestics, her travail came upon
her between the Colossian Theatre and St. Clement's
as she was going to the Lateran Church, and died
tipon the place, having sat two years, one month, and
lour days, and was buried there without any pomp.
.He owns that, for the shame of this, the Popes de-
cline going through this street to the Latei-an ; and
that, to avoid the like error, when any Pope is placed
in the Porphyry Chair, his genitals are felt by the
youngest tieacon, through a hole made for that pur-
pose ; but he supposes the reason of that to be, to
put him in mind that he is a man, and obnoxious
to the necessities of nature ; whence he will have
the seat to be called, Sedes Stercoraria,

1262 (y) To leave your Vitilitigation, See.

Vitilitigation is a woi-d the Knight was passionate-
ly in love with, and never failed to use it upon all oc-
casions; and therefore to omit it, when it fell in the
way, had argued too great a neglect of his learning
and parts ; though it means no more than a perverse
humour of wrangling.

1373 (z) Mere Disparata, &c.'] Disparata are things
separate and unlike, from the Latin word Dispare,,

HUDIBRAS.

PART 11.

CANTO I.

THE ARGI/MENT.

The Knight, by damnable magician,
Being cast illegally in prison ;
Love brings his action on the case,
And lays it upon Hudibras.
How he receives the lady's visit.
And cunningly solicits his suit,
Which she defers ; yet on parole,
Redeems him from th' enchanted hole.

BUT now, t' observe («) romantic method,

Let bloody steel awhile be sheathed.

And all those harsh and nigged sounds

Of bastinadoes, cuts, and wounds,

Exchang'd to Love's more gentle style.

To let our reader breathe awhile ;

In which, that we may be as brief as

Is possible, by way oi' preface,

Is't not enough to make one strangCj

That some men's fancies should ne'er change,

But make all people do and say

The same things still the self-same way ?

Some writers make all ladies purloin'd.

And knights pursuing like a whirlwind :

Others make all their knights, in fits

Of jealousy, to lose their wits ;

Till drawing blood o' th' dames, like witches,

Th ' are forthwith c'ur'd of their capriches.

110 HUDIBRAS.

Some always thrive in their amours,

By pulling plasters oflf their sores ;

As cripples do to get an alms,

Just so do they, atkd win their dames.

Some force whole regions in despight

O' geography, to cliange their site ;

Make former timr-s shake hands with latter,

And that which was before, come after.

But those that write in rhyme, still make

The one verse for the other's sake ;

For one for sense, and one for rhime,

I think's sufficient at one time.

But we forgot in what sad plight
We whilom left the captiv'd Knight
And pensive Squire, both bruis'd in body,
And conjui'd into safe custody.
Tii-"d with dispute and speaking Latin,
As w.ll as basting, and bear-baiting,
And desperate of any course.
To free himself by wit or force,
Kis only solace was that now
His dog-bolt fortune was so low,
That either it must quickly end,
Or turn about again, and mend ;
In which he found th' event no less
Than other times, beside his guess.

Thv re is a tall long-sidtd dame
(Rut wond'rous light), yeleped Fame,
That, like a thin camelion, boards
Hers -If on air, and eats h>r words ;
Upon her shoulders wings she wears
Like hanging-sleeves, lin'd through with ears,
And evLS. and tongues, as poets list,
]Made u,ood by deep mytliologist.
With these she through the welkin flies^
And sometimes carries truth, oft lies ;
With letters hung like eastern pigeons,
And Mercuries of furthest regions ;
Diurnals writ for regulation
Of lying, to inform the nation ;

PART II. CANTO I. Ill

And by their public use to biing- down
Hie rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 60

About her neck a packet-mail.
Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale,
Of men that walk'd when t 'ey were dead,
And oows of monsters bi*ought to bed ;
Of hailstones l<ig us puU. t's eggs, 65

And puppies whelp'd with twice two legs;
A blazing star seen in the west,
By six or sevt n m^n at least.
Two trumpets she did sound at once,
But both of clean contrary tones ; 7G

But whether both ni tlie same wind.
Or one before, and one bi hind.
We kndlfr not ; only this can tell,
1 he one sounds vikly, th' other well 4
And therefore vulgar authors name 7i

Th' one Good, the other E^il, Fame.
This tattling gossip knew too well

What mischief Hvdihvas befell,

And straight the sprightly tidings bears

Of all to th' unkmd wiiiow 's ears. 8)

Democritus ni'er lauK,h'd so loud

I'o see bawds cart, d through tlie crowd.

Or funerals with statc-ly pomp

:March slowly on in solemn dump,

As she laugh 'd out, until her back, 8

As well as sid^s, was like to crack.

She vow'd she would go see the sight,

And visit the distressed Knight ;

To do the offic e of a neighbour.

And be a gossip at his labour; S

And from his wooden jail, the stocks.

To set at large his fetter-locks ;

And by exchange, parole, or ransom,

To free him from th' enchanted mansion.

This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood S

And usher, implements abroad

Which hiiiies wear, beside a slender

Young waiting damsel to attend her.

112 HUDIBRAS.

All wliich appearing, on she Ment,

To find the Knight in limbo pent. 109

And 'twas not long before she found

Him, and his stout squiie, in the pound ;

Both couplfd in enchanted tether,

By further Kg behind together :

For as he sat upon his rump, 105

His head, like one in doleful dump,

Between his knees, his hands apply'd

Unto his ears on eitlier side ;

And by him, in another hole,

Afflicted i?a//)/jo, cheek by jowl ; 110

She came upon him in his wooden

Magician's circle on the sudden,

As spirits do t' a conjuror, ^

Whc-n in their dreadful shapes th' appear.

-No sooner did the Knight perceive her, 115

But straight he fell into a fever,
Inflam'd all over with disgrace.
To be seen by her in such a place ;
"Which made him hang his head, and scowj,
And wink, and goggle like an owl. 120

He felt his l)rains begin to swim,
When thus the dame accosted him:

This place (quoth she) they say's enchanted,
And with di-linquent spirits haunted.
That here are ty'd in chains, and scourg'd, 125

Until their guilty crimes be purg'd :
Look, there are two of them appear.
Like persons I have seen somewhere.
Some have mistaken blocks and posts
For spectres, apparitions, ghosts, 130

With saucer eyes, and horns ; and some
Have heard the devil beat a drum:
But if our eyes are not false glasses,
That give a wrong account of fac-s,
That beaixl and I should be acquainted, "135

Before 'twas conjui'd and enchant-.d ;
For tho' it bt disfigur'd somewhat,
As if t had lately beeu in combat,

PART II. CANTO I. 11 J

It did belong to a worthy knight,

How. 'er tliis goblin is come by 't. 140

When Hudihras the lady heard,
Discoursing thus upon Ws beard,
All'' speak with such respect and honour,
Both of the beard, and the beard's owner;
He thought it best to set as good 145

A face upon it as he could,
Anc! thus he spoke : Lady, your bright
And radiant eyes are in the right ; *

The beard's th' identic beard you knew,
Tlie same naraeriealiy true : la<i

Xoi- is it worn by fiend or elf,
But its proprietor himself.

O hoaviis ! quoth she, can that be true ?
I do begin to fear 'tis yo»i ;

Not by your individual whiskers, 155

But by your dialect and discourse,
1 hat never spoke to man or beast
In notions vulgarly exprest.
But what m-ilignarit star, alas !
Has brouglit } ou both to this sad pass? io(»

Quoth he, The fortune of the war,
Wiiich I ain less afflicted for,
Tlian to bs seen with beard and face
By you in such a homely case.

Q'loth slie. Those need not be asham'd li'5"

For being honourably maim'd :
If he that is in battle conquer'd.
Have any title to his own beard,
Tho' yours be sorely I'lgg'd and torn,
It does your visage more adorn 17.0

'I'hau if 'twere prun'd, and starch 'd, and lander'd,
And cut square by tlie Russian standard,
A toi-n beard's like a tatter'd ensign ;
That's brav, st wliich there are most rents in.
That petticoat about your shoulders, I ,'5

Does not so well become a soldier's ;
And I'm afraid they are worse handled.
Although i' til' rear; your beard the vaii led ;.

114

HUDIBRAS.

And those uneasy bruises make
My heart for company to ake,
To see so worshipful a I'riend
1' th' pillory set, at the wrong end.

Quoth Hudibras, This thing calPd pain
Is (as the learn'd Stoics maintain)
Not bad simpliciter, nor good ;
But merely as 'tis understood.
Sense is deceitful, and may feign
As well in cotnterfeiting pain
As other gross phenomenas,
In wliich it oft mistakes the case :
But since th' immortal intellect
(That's free from error and defect,
"Whose objects still persist the same)
Is free from outward bruise or maim,
"Which nought external can expose
To gross material bangs or blows ;
It follows, we can ne'er be sure.
Whether we pain or not endure ;
And just so far are sore and griev'd,
As by the fancy is believ'd.
Some have been wounded with conceit,
And dy'd of mere ojiinion straight ;
Others, tho' wounded sore in reason,
Felt no contusion, nor discretion.
A Saxon {b) duke did grow so fat,
That mice (as histories relate)
Eat grots and labyrinths to dwell in
His [jostick parts, without his feeling :
■ Then how is 't possible a kiuk
Should e'er reach that way to the quick ?

Quoth she, I grant it is in vain
For one that's basted to feel pain.
Because the pangs his bones end urc
Contribute nothing to the cure ;
"J^et honour hurt is wont to rage
With pain no ined'cine can assuage.

Quoth he. That honour's very squeamish,
"Fhat takes a basting ibr a blemish ;

105

PART II. CANTO I. 115

For what's more hon'rable than scars,

Or skin to tatters rent in wars ? 220

Sonie have been beaten till they know

What wood a cudgel's or' by th' blow ;

Some kiok'd until they can leel whether

A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather;

And yet ha^ e met, alter long running, 255

With some whom they ha*e taugnt that cunning.

The furthest way about t' oercome,

In th' end does prove tiie nearest home :

By laws of learuec! duelists,

They that are bruis'd with wood or fists, 230

And think one beating may for once

Suffice, are cowards anii poltroons :

But if they dare engage t' a second,

They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd.

Th' old Romans freedom did bestow, 235

Our princes worshij), with a blow :
King Pyrrhus curd his (r) splenetic
And testy courtiers with a kick.
The Negus, when some mighty lord
Or potentate's to be restor'd, 240

And pardon'd for some great offence,
With which he's willing to dispense.
First has him laid upon his belly, •
Then beaten back and side t' a jeBV' > ■
That done, he rises, huihbiy bows, 245

And gives thanks for the princely blows ;
Depaits not meanly pi-oud, and boasting
Of his maguificeni rib-roasting.
.The beaten soldier proves most manful.
That, like his swoi-d, endures the anvil ; 250

And justly's held more formidable,
The more liis valour's malleable :
But he that feai-s a bastinado,
Will run away from his own shadow :
And tho' I'm now in durance fast, 25S

By our own party basely cast,
Ransom, exchange, parole refus'd,
And worse than by the enemy us'4>

J 16 HUDIBRAS.

Ill close (d) catasta shut, past hope

Of wit, or valour, to elope : 260

As beards, the marer tliat they tend

To th' earth, still grow more- reverend ;

And cannons shoot the higher pitches,

Tlie lower we let down tht-ir breeches :

I'll inake this low dejecttd state 265

Advance me to a gnater bright.

Quoth she, Y' have almost made me in love
\Vith that which did my pity move.
Gr-jat wits and valours, like great states.
Do sometimes smk with their own weights : 270

Th' txtremes of glory, and oi" shame,
lake east and west, Ijecome the same :
No Indian prince has to his palace
More i'oll'wers than a tliiei to tli' gallows.
But if a beatiug seem so brave, 275

What glories must a whipping have ?
Such great achievements cannot fail
To cast salt on a woman's tail :
For if 1 thought your nat'ral talent
Of passive courage were so gallant, 280

As you strain hard to have it thought,
I could grow amorous, and dote.

When Hudi'jro' this language heard,
lie prick'd up's ears, and stroak'd his beard:
I'hought he. this is the lucky hour; 235

Wines work when >ines are in the flow'r:
This crisis then I'll set my rest on.
And put her boldlj to the question-

l»ladam, what yuu would seem to doubt,
fihall be to all the world made out ; 290

How I've beeu drubb'd, and with what spirit
And magnanimity, 1 bear it:
And if you doubt it to be true,
I'll stake myself down against you;
And if I fail i.J love or troth, 295

Be you the winner, and take both.

Quoth she, I've heard old cunning stagers
Say, Fouls for arguaieuts use wagers :

PART II. CANTO I. 117

"And tfiougli I pvais'd your valour, yet
I did not mean to baulk your wit ; 300

Which, if you have, you must needs know
What I have told you before now.
And you b' experiment have prov'd,
1 cannot love where I'm belov'd.

Quoth Hudibras, 'Tis a capricft 305

Beyond the infliction of a witch;
So cheats to play with those still aim
That do not understand the game.
Love in j'our heart as idly bums
As fire in antique Roman urns, 310

To wann the dead, and vainly light
Those only that see nothing by't.
Have you not power to entertain,
And render love for love again ;

As no man can draw in his breath 315

At once, and foi-ce out air beneath ?
Or do you love yourst-lf so much,
To bear all rivals else a grutcli ?
What fate can lay a greater curse
Than you upon yourself would force ? .20

For wedlock without love, some say.
Is bat a lock, without a key.
It is a kind of rape to marry
One that neglects, or cares tiot for ye :
For what does make it ravishment, 325

But b'iiig against the mind's consent ?
A rape that is the more inhuman
For being acted by a Avoman.
Why are you fair, but to entice us
To love you, that you may despise us? SJO

But though you cannot love, you say,
Out of your own fanatic way.
Why should you not at least allow
Those that love you to do so too ?
For, as you fly me, and pursue 335

Love more averse, so I do jou ;
And am by your own doutrine taught
To practice what you call a fau't.

118 HUDIBRAS.

Quoth she, If what you say is true,
You must fly me as I do you ; 340

But 'tis not what we do, but say,
In lov. and preaching, tliat must sway.

Quoth he, To hid nie not to love,
Is to forbid my pulse to move,

My beard to graw, my ears to prick up, 345

Or (when I'm in a fit) to hickup :
Command me to piss out the moon.
And 'twill as easily be done.
Love's power's too great to be withstood
By feeble human tli sh and blood. 3^0

'Twas he that brouglit upon his knees
The h'Ct'ring, kill-eow Hercules ;
Trausform'd his leager-lion's skin
T' a petticoat, and made him spin ;
Seiz'd on his club, and made it dwindle 355

T' H feeble distaft', and a spindle.
'Twas he that made empt rors gallants
To their own sisters and their aunts j
Set popes and cai-dinals agog.

To play with pages at leap-frog. 360

'Twas he that gave our Senate purges.
And flux'd the House of many a Burgess ;
Made those that represent the nation
Submit, and suffer amputation ;
And all the Grandees o' tli' Cabal 3^

Adjourn to tubs at Spring and Fall.
He mounted Synod-Men, and rode 'em
To Dirty-Lane and Little Sodom;
T^Iaiie 'em carvet like Spanish jenets,
And lake the ring at Madam — . 37^)

'Twas he that made (c) Saint Francis do
More than the Devil could tempt him to,
In told aud frosty weather, grow
Enamouv'd of a wife of snow ;

And though she were of rigid temper, 215

With melting flames accost and tempt hef ;
Which after in enjoyment quenching,
He hung a garland oa his engine.

PART II. CANTO I. 119

Quoth she, If Love have these effects,
"Why is it not forbid our sex ? 380

"Why is't not damn'd and interJicted,
For diabolical and wicked ?
And sung, as out of tune, against,
As Turk and Pope are by the Saints ?
I find I've greater reason for it, 935

Than I believ'd before t' abhor it.

Quoth Hudibras, Tliese sad eflFects
Spring from your Heathenish neglects
Of Love's great pow'r, which he returns
Upon yourselves with equal scorns; 390

And those who worthy h)vers slij;ht,
Plagues with prepost'rous appetite.
This made the beauteous (/) Queen of Crete
To take a town- bull for her sweet,
And from her gi-eatness stoop so low, 395

To be the rival of a cow :
Others to prostitute their great hearts.
To be baboons' and monkeys' sweet-hearts ;
Some with the Dev'l himself in league grow
By's representative a Negro. 400

'Twas this made vestal-maids love-sick,
And Venture to be bury'd quick :
Some by their fathers, and their brothers
To be made mistresses and mothers.
• Tis this that proudest dames enamours 405

Onlacquies and valets des chambres;
Their haughty stomachs overcomes,
And makes 'em stoop to dirty grooms ;
To slight the world, and to disparage
'Glaps, issue, infamy, and marriage. 420"

Quoth she, These Judgments are severe,
Yet such as I should rather bear,
Than trust men with their oaths, or prove
Their faith and secrecy in love.

Says he, There is a weighty reasoa 415

For secrecy in love as treason.
Love is a burglarer, a felon,
That at the wiadore-eye does steal In

l^O IIUDIBRAS.

To rob the hfeavt, and with his prey
Steals out a^ain a closer way,
Which whosoever can discover,
He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer.
Love is a tire, thai bums and sparkles
In men as nal'rally as in charcoals,
Which sooty chemists stop in holes
When out of wood they extract coals :
So lovers should their passions choak.
That, tho' they burn, they may not smoke.
'Tis like that sturdy chief that stole
And draggVl beasts baekwai-ds into's hole :
So Love does lovers, and us men
Draws by the tails into his den,
That no impression may discover,
And trace t' his cave, the wary lover.
But if you doubt I should reveal
Wiiat you entrust me under seal,
ril prove myself as close and virtuous
As your own secretary (g) Albertus.

Quoth she, I grant you may be cloac
In hiding wlmt your aims propose.
Love-passions are like parables,
By which men still mean something else.
Though love be all the w crld's pretence,
Money's the mytliolugic sense ;
rhe real subitance of the shadow.
Which all address and courtship's made to.

Thought he, I understand your play,
And how to quit you your own way :
He that will win his dame, must do
As Love does when he bends his bow ;
With one hand thrust the lady from,
And witli the other pull her home.
I grant, quoth he, wealtli is a great
Provocative to ara'rous heat.
It is all phlltei-s, awd high diet,
That makes love rampant, and to fly out, :
'Tis beauty always in the flower,
That buds and blossoms at four-sgore :

PART II. CANTO I. 121

'Tis that by which the sun and moon

At their own weapons are outdone : 460

That makes Knights Errant fall in trances,

And laj- about 'em in romances :

'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all

That men divine and sacred cull:

For what is worth in any thing, 465

But so much money as 'twill bring ?

Or what, but riches, is there known,

Wliich man can solely call his vwn ;

In which no creature goes his half.

Unless it be to (/;) squint aud laugh»i^ 470

I do confess, with goods and land,

I'd have a wife at second hand;

And such you are. Nor is 't your person

My stomach's set so sliarp and fierce on ;

But 'tis (your better part) your riches, 475

That my enamcurd heart bewitches.

Let me your fortune but possess,

And settle your person how j'ou please ;

Or make it o'er in tiust to th' Devil ;

You'll find me reasonable and civil. 430

Quoth she, I like this plainness better

Than false mock-passioji, speech, or letter,

Or any feat of qualm or sowning,

But hanging of yourself, or drowning.

Your only way with me to break 435

Your mind, is breaking of your neck :

For as when merchants breali, o'erthrown

Like nine-pins, they strike othei*s down.

So that would break my heart; wiiich done,

My tempting ibrtune is your own. 490

These are but trifles ; ev'ry lover

Will damn himself over and over.

And greater matters undertake

For a li ss worthy mistress' sake :

Yet th' ai-e the only ways to prove 4^,f

Th' unfeign'd realities of love :

For he that hangs, or beats out's brains^v

The Devil's in him if he feigns,
F

122 HUDIBRAS.

Quoth Hudibras, Tliis way's too rough
For mere experiment and proof: 500

It is no jesting, trivial matter,
To swing i' th' air, or douce in water,
And, like a water-witch, try love ;
1 hat's to destroy, and not to pi-ove :
As if a man should be dissected 505

To find what part is disaffected.
Your better way is to make over,
In trust, jour fortune to your lover.
Trust is a trial ; if it break,

' ris not so desp'rate as a neck. 510

Beside, th' experiment's more certain;
Men venture necks to gain a fortune ;
The soldier does it ev'ry day
(Eight to the week) for six-pence pay :
Your pettifoggers damn their souls, 515

To share with knaves in cheating fools :
And merchants, vent'riiig tlirough tlie main,
Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain.
'ITiis is the way I advise you to :
Trust me and see what 1 will do. 520

Quoth she, I should be loth to run
Myself all th' hazard, and you none ;
Which must be done, imless some deed
Of yours aforesaid do precede.

Give but yomself one gentle swing 525

For trial, and I'll cut the siring :
Or give that ri v'rend head a maul.
Or two, or three, against a Mall,
To show you ai'e a nian of mettle,
And I'll engage myself to st-ttle. 530

Quoth he, My hi ad's not made of brass,
As Friar (£) Baron's noddle was ;
Nor (like the (k) Indian's skull) so tough
7'liat, authors say, 'twas musket-jn-oof,
As yet on any new adv«rnture, 5\«

As it had need to be, to enter.
A'ou see what bangs it has endui'd,
I'hat would, before new feats, be cur'dv

PART II. eANTO I. 123

But if that's all yoa stand upon,

Here, strike nie liu;k, it shall be done. 540

Quoth she. The matter's not so far gone
As you suppose : Two words t' a bargain ;
That may be done, aud time enough,
When you have given tlownright proor:
And yet 'tis no fantastic pique 545

I have to love, nor coy dislike :
'Tis no implicit, nice aversion
T' your conversation, mein, or person,
But a just fear, lest you should prove
False and perfidious in love : 550

For if I thought jou could be true,
I could love twice as much as you.

Quoth he, My faith as adamantine.
As chains of destiny, I'll maintain ; •

True as Apollo ever spoke, sss

Or (/) oracle from heart of oak ;
And if you'll give my flame but vent,
Now in close hugger-mugger pent,
And shine upon me but brnignly,
With that one, and that other pigsney, 560

The sun and day shall sooner part.
Than love or you shake ofTmy heart ;
The sun, that shall no more disj)ense
His own but your bright influence.
IT! carve your name on barks of trees, 565

With true-!ove-knots and tiourishcs,
That shall infuse eternril spring,
And everlasting llourisliiug :
Drink ev'ry letter on't in stum,

And make il brisk champaign become : 570

Where-e'er you tread, your foot shall set
The primrose and the violet:
All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders.
Shall borrow from your breath their odours:
Nature her charter shall renew, 575

And tiike all livts of things from you ;
The world depend upon your eye,
And when you frowu «po» it, die:

124 HUDIBRAS.

Only our loves shall still survive,

New worlds and naturt- s to out-live ; 580

And, like to heralds' moons, remain

All crescents, without change or wane.

Hold, hold, quoth she ; no more of this,
Sir Kni.^ht ; you take yonr aim amiss :
For you will find it a hard chapter i&s

To catch me with poetic rapture,
In which jour mastei-y of art
Doth show itself, and not your heart:
Nor will you raise in mine combustion
By dint of high heroic fustian. 590

She that with poetry is won.
Is but a desk to write upon ;
And what men say of ht- r, they mean
No more than on the thing they lean.
Some with Arabian spicf s strive 595

T' embalm her cruelly alive ;
Or season her, as French cooks use
Their haut-gousts, bouillit s, or ragousts':
Use her so barbarously ill.

To grind her iips upon a mill, 60©

Until the facet doublet doth
Fit then- rhj-mes rather than her mouth ;
Her mouth compai-'d to an oj sters, with
A row of pearl in't— stead ol teeth.
Others make posiv s of her cheeks, 60S

Where red and whitest colours mix ;
In which the lily, and the rose,
For Indian lake and ceruse goes.
The sun and moon, by her bright eyes
Eclips'd, and darken'd in tlu- skies, 610

Are but black patches, that she wears,
Cut into suns, and moons, and stars:
By which astrologers, as well
As those in Heav'n above, can t^U
What strange events they do foreshow 615

Unto her un-Jer-world bt low.
Her voice, the music of the spheres,
So loud J it deafens mortals' ears,

PART II. CANTO I. 125

As wise philosophers ha\ e thotight,

And that's the cause we hear it not. 620

This has been done by some, who those

Th' ador'd in rhime, would kick in prose ;

And in those ribbons would have hung

Of which melodiously they sung ;

That have the hard fate to write best 625

Of those still that deserve it least :

It matters not how false, or forc'd.

So the best things be said o' th' worst;

It goes for nothing when 'tis said,

Only the arrow's drawn to th' head, 6o(

Whether it be a swan or goose

They level at : so shephei-ds use

To set the same mark on the hip

Botli of their sound and rotten sheep :

For wits, that carry low or wide, 63i

Must bt aim'd higher, or beside

The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh

But when they take their aim awry.

But I do wonder you should chuse

This way t' attack me with your Muse, 64<

As one cut out to pass your tricks on,

With Fulhams of poetic fiction:

I rather hop'd I should no more

Hear from you o' th' gallanting score :

For hard dry-bastings us"d to prove 64;

The readiest remedies of love ;

Next a dry-diet : but if those fail,

Yet this uneasy loop-hol'd jail,

In which ye are haraper'd by the fetlock,

Cannot but put y' in mind of Wv dlock ; 65(

Wedlock, that's worse than any hoie here,

If that may serve you for a cooler,

T' allay your mettle, all agog

Upon a wife, the heavier clog :

Nor rather thank your gentler fate, 65;

That, for a bruis'd or broken pate,

Has freed you froiri tliose nobs that grow

Much harder on the marry'd broAv :

12(i HUDIBRAS.

But if no dread can cool your courag^e.

From vent'ring on that dragon, marriage, 660

Yet give me quarter, and advance

To nobler aims your pui sance:

Level at l)eauty and at wit ;

The fairest mani is easiest hit.

QiiQth Hudibras, I'm beforehand 665

In tliat already, with your command;
For where does beauty and high wit
But in your constellation meet ?

Quoth she, What doea a match imply,
But likeness and equality ? 670

I know you cannot think me fit
To be th' yoke-fellow of your wit ;
Nor take one of so mean deserts,
To be the partner of your parts ;
A grace, which, if I could believe, .675

I've not the conscience to receive.

That conscience, quoth Hudibras,
Is misintbrrn'd : I'll state the case :
A man may be a legal donor

Of any thing whereof he's owner, 680

And may confer it where he lists,
I' th' judgment of all casuists :
I'hen wit, and parts, and valour may
Be ali'nated, and made away

By those that are proprietors, 685

As I may give or sell my horse.

Quoih she, I grant the case is true
And proper 'twixt your horse and you ;
But whether I may take as well
As you may give away or sell ? 690

Buyers you know are bid beware;
And worse than thieves receivers arc.
How sliall I answer liue and cry,
For a roan-gelding twelve hands high,
All spurr'd aud switch 'd, a lock on's hoof, 695

A sorrel mane ? Can 1 bring proof
"Where, when, by whom, and what y' were sold for,
Aud in the open jnarket toU'd for.'

PART II. CANTO I. 127

Or should I take you for a stray,

You must be kept a year and day 700

(Ere I can own you) hei-e i' tlie pound,

Where, if y' are sought, you may be found :,

And in the mean time I must pay

For all your provender and hay.

Quoth he, It stands me much upoa 705

T' enervate this objection,
And prove myself, by topic clear,
No gelding, as you would infer.
Loss of virility's averr'd

To be the cause of loss of beard, 710

That does (like embryo in the womb)
Abortive on the chin become.
Tiiis first a woman did invent,
In envy of man's ornament;

(/) Semiramis, of Babylon, 715

Who first of all cut men o' th' stone,
To ma^- their beards, and laid foundation
Of sow-geldering operation.
Look on this beard, and tell me wliether
Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either? 726

Next it appears I am no horse ;
That I can argue and discourse ;
Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail.

Quoth she, That nothing will avail ;
For some (m) philosophers, of late here, 725

Write, men have tour legs by nature.
And that 'tis custom makes them go
Erron'ously upon but two ;
As • twas in Germany made good
B' a boy that lost himself in a wood, 730

And (o) growing down t' a man, was wont
With wolves upon all four to hunt.
As for your reasons drawn from tails.
We cannot say they're true or false.
Till you explain yourself, and show 735

B' experiment 'tis so or no.

Quoth he, If you'll join issue on't,
I'll give you satisfactory uccuuiit ;

128 HUDIBRAS.

So you will promise, if you lose,

To settle all, and be my spouse. 740

That never shall be done (quoth she)
To one that wants a tail, by me :
For tails by nature sure were meant,
As well as bcanls, for oi-nament:
And though the vulgar cotnit them homely, 745

In men or beast they are so comely.
So gentee, alamode, and handsome,
I'll never marry man that wants one;
And till you can demonstrate plain,
You have one equal to your mane, 750

ril be torn piece-meal by a horse.
Ere I'll take you for belter or worse.
The Prince of Cambay^i daily food
Is asp, and basilisk, and toad ;

Which makes him have so strong a breath, 755

Each night he stinks a queen to death ;
Yet I shall rather lie in's arms
Than yours, on any other terms.

Quoth he, What nature can afford,
I shall produce, upon my word ; 760

And if she ever gave that boon
To man, I'll prove that I liave one :
1 mean by postulate illation.
When you shall offer just occasion :
But since y' haw yet deny'd to give 7^5

My heart, your pris'ner, a reprieve.
But made it sink down to my heel.
Let that at least j'our pity feel ;
And, for the sufferings of your martyr.
Give its poor entertainer quarter ; 770

And, by discharge or main-prize, grant
Beliv'ry from this base restraint.

Quoth she, I grieve to see your leg
Stuck in a hole here like a peg;

And if I knew which way to do't 775

(Your honour safe) I'd let you out.
That Dames by jail-delivery
Of Errant-Knights have been set free.

PART II. CANTO I. 129

Wlien by enchantment they have been,

And sometimes for it too, laid in ; 780

Is that which Knights are bound to do

By order, oath, and honour too :

For what are they renown'd, and famous else,

But aiding of distressed damosels ?

But for a Lady, no ways errant, 785

To free a Knight, we have no warrant

In any authentical romance.

Or classic author yet of France ;

And I'd be loth to have you breaft

An ancient custom for a freak, 790

Or innovation introduce

In place of things of antique use.

To free your heels by any course.

That miglit b' unwholesome to your spurs :

Which if I should consent unto, 755

It is not in my pow'r to do ;

For 'tis a service must be done ye,
With solemn previous ceremony;
Which always has been us'd t' untie

The charms of those who here do lie : SOA

For as the ancients heretofore

To Honour's Temple had no door,
But that which thoroujjh Virtue's lay,

So from this dungeon tl> eve's no way

To honoured freedom, but by passing 8C5

That other virtuous school ol lashing,

Wliere Knia:hts are kept in narrow lists.

With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists ;

in which they for awhile are teiiants,

And for their Ladies suffer penance: ^ 810

Whipping, that's Virtue's governess,

Tutress of arts and sciences;

That mends the gross mistakes of Nature,

And puts new life into dull matter;

That lays foundation for renown, f 15

And all the honours of the gown.

This suffer'd, they are set at large,

^ »d itee^ witl»^ heiveujstble dischai'ge.
F2

iJ<J HUDIBRAS.

Then in theit robes the peniteiitials
Ave straight presented with credentials, 820

And in their way attended on
By magistrates of ev'ry town;
And, all respect and charges paid,
They're to their ancient seats convey'd.
2^ow if you'll venture, for my sake, 825

'Jo try the tonghness of your back,
And suffer (as the rest have done)
Ihe laying of a Nvhipping on
^ And may you prosper in your suit,
As you with equal vigour do't), 836

1 here engage mys. If to loose ye,
And free your heels from Caperdewsies
But since our sex's modesty
"'.Vill not allow I should be by,

Bring nic, on oath, a fair account, 835"

\nd honour too, when you liave done't,
And I'll admit you to the place
You claim as due in my good grace«
If matrimony and hanging go

Ry destny, why not whipping too? 840

What med'cine t Ise can cure the fits
Of lovers when they lose their wits ?
l-ove is a boy by poets st^l'd ;
Jhen spare the rod, and spoil the child.
A (v) Persian cmp'ror, whipp'd his grannam 845"

The sea, his mother l^envs came on;
And hente some rcv're.id men approTe
Of rosemary in making love.
As skilful coopers hoop their tubs
AVIth Lydiau and with Phi-jgian dubs, 850

^Vhy may not wliipping have as good
A gracf, perfonn'd in time and mood,
With comely movement and by art,
Jlaise passion in a lady's heart ?
; t is an easier way to make ■S^^a

l.ovc by, than that whick many take.
Who vvoiild not rather suffer whipping,
• fisn swallow toasts of bjfs of libbgn '.

PART II. CANTO 1, 131

IVIake wicked verses, treats, and faces,

And spell names over with beer-glasses ' -fioO

Be under vows to hang and die

Love's sacriliee, and all a lie?

With china-oranges, and tarts.

And whining plays, lay baits for hearts ?

Bribe chamber-maids with love and money, 835

To break no roguish jests upon ye ?

For lilies limn'd on cheeks, and roses,

With painted perfumes, hazard noses ?

Or, vent'ring to be brisk and wanton,

Do penanci in a paper lanthorn ? 870

All this you may compound for now,

By suffering what I offer you ;

Which is no more than has been done

By Knights for Ladies long agone.

Did not the gi-eat La Mancha do so 375

For the Infanta del Toboso ?

Did not th' illustrious Bassa make

Himself a slave for Misse's sake ?

And with bull's pizzle, for her loves

Was taw'd as gentle as a glove? ?30

Was not young Florio sent (to cool

His flame for Diancqfiore) to school,

Where pedant made his pathic bum

For her sake suffer martyrdom ?

Did not a certain lady whip 8^j

Of late her husband's own Lordsliip ?

And though a ; randee of the House,

Claw'd him with fundamental blows;

Ty'd him stark naked to a bed-post.

And firk'd his hide, as if sh' had rid post ; 890

And after, in the sessions-court.

Where whipping's judg'd, had honour for't ?

This swear you will perform, and then

I'll set you from th' in chanted den,

And the magician's circle clear. 805

Quoth he, I do profess and swear.
And will perform what you enjoin,
Or may I never see you mine.

332 HJJOIBRAS.

Amen (quoth she) ; then turn'd about.
And bid her enquire let him out. ^C

But n-e an artist could be found
T' undo the charms another Ijound,
The sun ^-rew low, and leit the skies,
Put down (some writi.0 by ladies' eyes:
Th'- moon iniU'd oflTher veil of light, 905

That hides her face by day from sight
(Mysttrious veil, of brightness made,
That's both her lustre and her shade).
An in t!u lanthorn of the night
'Witli sinning horns hung out her light ; 91©

Tor darkness is the proper sphere,
Whi re ail false glories us.- t' appear.
The twiiikling stars began to muster,
And glitter witli their borrow'd lustre,
While sleep the weary'd world reiiev'd, 915

By counterfeiting death reviv'd.
His whipping p; nance till the mom
Our vot'i-y thuught it best t' adjoui'n,
And not to carry on a woi-k

Of such iinportHnce in the dark, 920

With erring haste, but rather stay.
And do't in th' open face of day ;
And in the mean time go in quest
Of next retreat to take his vest-

PART II. CANTO 11.

TPTE ARGUMENT.

The Knight and Squire in hot disput^,

Within an ace of falling out,

Are jjarted with a sudden flight

Of strange alarm, and stranger sight ;

With which adventuring to stickle,

They're sent away in nasty pickle.

'TIS strange how some men's tempers suit

(Like bawd and brandy) with dispute,

That for their own opinions stand fast

Only to have them claw'd and eanvast;

That keep their consciences in cases,

As fiddlers do their crowds and bases ;

Ne'er to be us'd but when they're bent

To play a fit for argument :

;Make true and false, unjust and just,

Of no use but to be discust ;

Dispute, and set a parados,

Like a strait boot, upon the stocks,

And stretch it more unmercifully.

Than Helmont, Montaigne, White, or TuUy.

So th' ancient (71) stoics in tlieir porch,

With fierce dispute maintain'd their church ;

Beat out their brains in fight and study,

To pro%e that virtue is a body ;

That (0) bonun\ is an animal.

Made good with stout polemic brawl :

In which, some hundreds on the place

Were slain out-right, and many a face

Retrench'd of nose, and eyes, and beard,

To niaiutain what their sect averr'd*.

134 HUDIBRAS.

All which the knight and squire in wrath 25

Had like t' have suffered for their :iaith;
Each striving^ tp make good Iiis own,
As by the sequel shall be shown.

The sun had long since, in the lap
Of Thetis, taken out his nap, 30

And, like a lobster boil'd, the mora
From black to rf d began to turn :
When Hudibras, whom thoughts and aking,
'Twixt sleeping kept, all night, and waking,
Began to rub his drowsy eyes, 35

And from his couch prepar'd to rise,
Resolving to dispatch the deed
He vow'd to do, with trusty speed.
But first, with knocking loud, and bawling,
He rous'd the squire, in truckle lolling : 40

And, alter many circumstances,
Which vulgar authors in romances
Do use to spend their time and wits on,
To make impertint-nt description,
They got (with much ado) to horse, 45

And to the castle bent then- course,
In which he to the dame before
To suffer whipping duly swore:
Where now arriv'd, and half unbarnest,
To carry on the work in earnest, 50

He stopp'd, and paus'd upon the sudden,
And with a serious forehead plodding,
Sprung a new scruple in his head,
Which first he scratch 'd, and after said : -^v
Whether It be direct infringing •'■^- 55

An oath, if I should wave this swinging,
And what I've sworn to bt- ar, forbear,
And so b' equivocation swear ;
Or whether 't be a lesser sin .

To be foresworn, than act the thing, GO

Are deep and subtle points, which must,
T' inform my conscience, be discus t ;
In which to err a tittle, may
To errors infinite make way :

PART II. CANTO il. 135

And tlierefore I desii-e to know 65

Tliy judgment, eiv we fai'tliei* go.

Quoth Ralpho, Since you do enjoin %
I sliall enlarge upon the point ;
And for my own part do not doubt
Th' affirmative may be made out. 70

But first to state the case aright,
For best advantage of our light ;
And thus 'tis : Whether 't be a sin
To claw and curry your ovm skin,
Greater, or less, than to forbear, rs

And tJiat you are forsworn, forswear.
But first, o' th' first : The inward man,
And outward- like a elan and clan,
Have '.Iways been at daggers-drawing.
And one another clapper-clawing: SO

Not that they really cuff, or fence,
But in a spiritual mystic sense ;
"Which to mistake, and make 'em squabble
In literal fray, 's abominable :

'Tis heathenisli, in frequent use 85

With Pagans, and apostate Jews,
To offer sacrifice of Bridewtils,
Like modern Indians to their idols ;
And mungrel Christians of our tiiues,
That expiate less with greater crimes, 90

And Call the foul abomination
Contrition, and mortification.
Is 't not enough we're bniis'd and kicked
With sinfnl members of the wicked ;
Our vessels, that are sanctify'd, 95"

Prophan'd and cuiry'd back and side ;
But we must elaw oui-selves with shameful
And heathen stripes, by their example ;
Which (were there nothuig to foi'bid it)
Is impious, because they did it? ICO

This therelore may be justly reckon'J
A htinous sin. Now, to the second,
That saiiits may claim a dispensation
To swear and iorswe^r, on occasions

136 HUDIBRAS.

I doubt not but it will api)ear lOS

With pregnant light : tlie point i« clear.

Oaths are but words, and words but wind;

Too feeble implements to bind ;

And hold with (\eeds proportion, so

A-s shadows to a substance do. 110

Then when they strive for place, 'tis fit

The weaker vessel should submit.

Aitho' your church be opposite

To ours, as black friars are to white,

In rule and order ; yet I g^i-ant 115

Yon are a reformado saint;

And what the saints do claim as due,

You may pretend a title to :

But saints, whom oaths and vows oblige,

Know little of their privilege ; 120

Further (I mf an) than canning on

Some self-advantage of their own :

For if the devl, to serve his turn.

Can tell truth, why the saints should scorn,

When it ser/es theirs, to swear and lie, 125

I think there's little reason why :

Else h' has a greater pow'r than thty,

Which 't were impiety to say.

W are not commandtd to forbear.

Indefinitely, at all to swear; 130

But to swear idly, and in vain,

Without self-interest or gain:

For breaking of an oath, and lying,

Is but a kind oi self-denying,

A saint-like virtue, and liom hence .13*

Some have broke oaths by Providence :

Some, to the glory of the Lord,

Perjur'd theuiselves, and broke their word ;

And this thr constant rule and £;ractice

Gf all our latt apostlts' acts is. 140

M'as not the cause at first b:-gun

Wiih peijury, and carried oa .'

Was there an oath the godly took,

But iu due time »n(l ])lace thu broke i

PART II. CANTO II. 137

Did we not bring our oaths in first, l45

Before our plate, to have them burst,

And cast in fitter models, for

The present use of church and war?

Did not our worthies of the house.

Before they broke the peace, break vows ? ISO

For, having freed us, first from both

Th' allegiance and supretn'cy oath ;

Did they not. next, compel the nation

To take, and break, the protestation ?

To swear, and after to recant 155

The solemn league aud covenant ?

To take th' engagement, and disclaim it,

Enforc'd by those who first did frame it ?

Did they not swear at first to fight

For the King''s safety, and his right ; 160

And after march'd to find him out.

And charg'd him home with horse and foot j

But yet still had the confidence

To swear it was in his defence ?

Did they not swear to Uve and die 165

With Esse:>:^, and straight laid him by ?

If that were all, for some have swore

As false as they, if th' did no more.

Did they not swear to maintain law.

In which that swearing made a flaw ? 17v

For protestant religion vow.

That did that vowing disallow ?

For priviltge of parliament.

In which that swearing made a rent ?

And since of all the three, not one 1T5

Is left in being, 'tis well known.

Did they not swear, in express words,

To prop and back the House of Lords ?

And after tum'd out the whole houseful

Of peei-s, as dang'rons, and unuseful ? 130

So Cromzvell, with deep oaths and vows,

Swore all the commons out o' th' house ;

Vow'd that the red-coats would disband,

Ay marry would tliey, at their command ;

138 HUDIBRAS.

And troli'd them on, and swore, and swore, 1R5

Till ih' army turn'd them out of door :

This tells us piaiuly what they thought,

That oaths and swearing go for nought.

And that by them th' were only meant

To serve for an expedient. 190

What was the public faith found out for.

But to slur men of what they fought for?

The public faith, which ev'ry one

Is bound t' observe, yet kept by none ;

And if that go for nothing, why 195

Should private faith have such a tie ?

Oaths were not purpos'd, more than law,

To keep the good and just in awe.

But to confine the bad and sinful,

Like mortal cattle in a puxf'old. 200

A saint's o' th' heav'nly realm a peer ;

And as no peer is bound to swear

But on the gospel of his honour,

Of which he may dispose, as owner;

It follows, tho' the thing be forgery, 205

And false, t' affirm it is no perjurj-.

But a mere cer'mony, and a breach

Of nothing, but a form of speech ;

And goes for no more, when 'tis took,

Then mere saluting of the book. 210

Suppose the scriptures are of Ibrce,

'Ihey're but com.nissions of course.

And saints have freedom to digress,

And vary from 'em, as they please ;

Or mis-interpret them, by private 215

Instructions, to all aims they drive at.

Then why should we ourselves abridge,

And curtail our own privilege ?

Quakers (that, like to lanthorns, bear

Theii- light within 'em) will not swear: 220

Their gospel is an accidence.

By which they construe conscience,

And hold no sin so deeply red,

As that of breaking Priscian's head

PART II. CANTO II. 130

^The head and founder of their oi-der, 225

That stiiriiig hats held worse than mui-der).
These, tliiitkin^ th' are oblig'd to troth
In sweaiing, will not take an oath :
Like mules, who, if th' have not their will
To keep the ir own pace, stand stock-still : 230

But they are weak, and little know
What fret-born consciences may do.
'Tis the temptatio . of the devil
That makes all human actions evil :
For saints may do the same things by 335

The spirit, in sincerity,
Which other men are tempted to,
And at the devil's instance do ;
And yet the aciions be contrary.
Just as the saints and wicked vary. 240

For as on land there is no beast.
But in some fish at sea's exprest;
So in the wicked, there's no vice,
Of which the saints have not a spice;
And yet that thing" that's pious in 245

The one, in th' other is a sin.
Is 't not ridiculous and nonsense,
A saint should be a slave to conscience ?
That ought to be above such fancies,
As far as above ordinances ? 250

She's of the wicked^ as I guess,
B' her looks, her language, and her dre ss :
And tho', like constables we search,
For false wares, one another's church j
Yet all of us hold this for true, 255

No faith is to the wicked due ;
For truth is precious and divine.
Too rich a pearl for carual swine.
Quoth Hudibras, All this is true.

Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew 260

Those mysteries and revelations ;

And therefore topical evasions
Of subtle turns and shifts of sense,

Serve best with th' wicked for pretence.

140 HUDIBRAS,

Such as the learned Jesuits use, iii

And Presbyterians, for excuse

Against the protestants, when th' happen

To find their churches taken napping:

As thus : A breacJi of oath is duple,

And either Avaj- admits a scruple, 270

And may be ex parte o' tli' maker,

More criminal than tli' injui'd taker;

For he that strains too far a vow,

Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow :

And he tliat made, and forc'd it, broke it : 275

Not he that for convenience took it.

A broken oatli is, quafenus oath.

As sound t' all purposes of troth,

As broken laws are ne'er the worse,

Nay, till th' ai-e broken, have no force. 280

What's justice to a man, or laws.

That never comes within their claws ?

They have no pow'r, but to a imonisb,

Cannot conti-oul, coerce, or punish,

Until they're broken, and then touch ^85

Those only that do make 'em such.

Besides, no engagement is allow'd

By men in prison made, for good ;

For when they're set at liberty,

They're from th' engagtmenl too set free; 290

The Rabbins write, when any Jew

Did make to God or man a vow,

Whicli afterward he ibund untoward.

And stubborn to be kt pt, or too hartl ;

Any three other Jews o' tli' nation 295

?ilight free him from the obligation :

And have not two saints pow'r to use

A greater privilege than three Jews ?

The court of conscience, which in man

Should be supreme and sovereign, 300

Is 't fit should be subordinate

To ev'ry petty court i' th' state,

And have less power than the lesser.

To deal with perjury at pleasure ?

PART II. CANTO XL 141

Have its proceedings disallow'd, or 305

Allow'd, at fancy of pie-powder ?

Tell all it does, or does not know,

For swearing ex-officio ?

Be foic'd t' impeach a broken hedge,

And pigs unring'd at Vis. Franc. Pledge ? 310

Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants,

Priests, witches, eaves-droppers, and nuisance ;

Tell who did play at games unlawful,

And vho fiU'd pots of ale but half-full ;

And have no pow'r at all, nor shift, 315

To help itstllat a dead lift?

Why should not conscience have vacation

As well as other courts o' th' nation ;

Have equal power to adjourn,

Appoint appearance and return ; 32a

And make as nice distinction serve

To split a case, as those that carve,

Invoking cuckolds' names, hit joints ;

"Why should not tricks as slight, do points ?

Is not th' high-court of justice sworn 325

To judge that law that serves their turn ?

Make their own jealousies high-treason,

And fix 'em wbomso'er they i)Iease on ?

Cannot the learned counsel there

Make laws in any shape appear ? 330

Mold 'eni as witches do their clay.

When they make pictures to destroy P

And vex 'em into any form

That fits their jjurpose to do harm ?

Rack 'em, until tliey do confess, 335

Impeach of treason, w hom they please,

And most perfidiously condemn

Those that engag'd their lives for them?

And yet do nothing, in their own sense,

But what they ought by oath and conscience? 340

Can they not jugt>;le, and with slight

Conveyance play with wrong and right;

And sell their blasts of wind as dear

As Lapland witches bottled air ?

142 HUDICRAS.

Wrll not fear, favour, bribe, and gfrudge,
The same case several ways adjudge ?
As seamen, with the seif-same gale,
Will sev'ral different courses sail ;
As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds,
And ovt rflows the levt-l grounds, 3S©

Those banks and dams, that, like a screen,
Did keep it out, now keep it in :
So when tyrannic usurpation
Invades the fieedom of a nation,
"rtle laws o' th" land, that were intended 555

To keep it out, are made defend it.
Dots not in clianc'ry ev'rj- man swear
Wliat makes best for him in his answer?
Is not the winding up witnesses

And nicking more than half the business ? 360

For witn<sses, like watches, go
Just as they're set, too fast or slow ;
And when in conscience they're strait-lac 'd,
'Tis t; n to one that side is cast.

Do not your juries give their Vi rdict 365

As if they felt the cause, not heard it ?
And as they please, make matter of fact
Run all on one side, as they're packt.'
Nature has made man's breast no windores,
To publish what he does within doors, 370

Jvor what dark secrets there inhabit,
Unless his own rash folly blah it.
If oaths can do a man no good
In his own bus'ness, why they should
» In other matters do him hurt, 375

I think there's little reason tbr't.
He that imposes an oath, makes it,
Not he that for convenitnce takes it :
Then how can any man be said

To bi eak an oath he never made ? 380

These reasons may, perhaps, look oclly
To th' Wicked, tho.tgh they evince the Godly;
But if they will not .serve to clear
.My honour, I ara ne'er the near

PART ir. CANTO H. 143

Honour is like that glassy bubble 38$

That finds philosophers such trouble,
Whose least part orack'il, the wliole does flj-,
And wits are crack'd to find out why.

Quoth Ralpho, Honour's but a word
To swear by only in a Lord : 390

In other men 'lis but a hufF,
To vapour with instead of proof ;
That, like a wen, looks hijj and swells,
Is senselt ss, and just nothing else*

Let it (quoth lie) be what it will, 395

It has the world's opinion still.
But as men are not wise that run
The slightest hazard they may shun,
There may a medium be found out
T-o clear to all the world the doubt; 40*

And that is, if a man may do't,
By proxy whipt, or substitute.

Thougii nice and dark t!ie point appear
(Quoth Ralph), it may hold up and clear. \ ;
That sinners may supply the place "* 405

Of sufF'iing Saints is a plain case.
Jusiice gives st-ntence many times
On one man for another's crimes.
Ota* bretliren of New Ejigland use
Ctioice malefactors to excuse, 410

And hang the guiltless in their stead,
Of whom the Chuiches have less need;
As latf-ly 't happen'd: In a town (/>)
There liv'd a cobler, and but one,
TJtat out of doctvine could cut use, 415

And mend men's lives as well as shoes.
This precious brother having slain,
In time of peace, an Indian
(Not out of malice, but mere zeal,
BiKiause he was an Infidel), A20

'ITie mighty Tottipoitymoy
Send to our elders an ejivoy,
Complainiiig sorely of the breach
Of league held forth by brother Patch

144 HUmBRAS,

Against the ai'tlcles in force A25

Between both Churches, his and ours;

For which he crav'd the Saints to render

Into his hands or hang th' offender:

But they maturely having weigh "d,

They had no more but hiin o' th' trade

(A man that serv'd them in a double

Capacity, lo teach and cobble),

Resoiv'd to spare him ; yet, to do

The Indian Hoghgan Moghgan too

Impartial justice, in his stead did

Hang an old Weaver, that was bed-rid.

Then wherefore may not you be skipp'd,

And in your room anotlier whipp'd ?

For all Philosophers, but the Scepiif,

Hold whipping may be sympathetic. 4'10

It is enough, quoth Hudi'jras,
Thou hast r. solv'd and cleard the case;
And canst, in conseience, not refuse
From thy own doctrine to raise use.
1 know thou wilt not (for my sake) 445

Be tender-conseienc'd o!" thy back.
Then strip thee of thy canial jerkin,
And give tliy outward-fellow a ferking;
For when thy vessel is newhoop'd,
All leaks of sinning will be stopp'd. 450

Q^uoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter ;
For in ail siruphs of this nature,
No man includes himself, nor turns
The point upon his own concerns.
As no man of his own self catches 455

The itcl), or amorous French aches;
So no man does himself convince,
By bis own doctrine, of his sins :
And though all cry down self, none means
His own self in a literal sense. 460

Beside, it is not only foppish,
But vde, idoliitrous, aiid Popish,
For one man out of bis own skin
To ferkand whip another's sin:

PART II. CANTO II. HS

As pedants out of school-boys' breeches 465

Do claw and curry their own itches.

But in this case it is profane,

And sinful too, because in vain :

For we must take our oaths upon it.

You did the deed, when I have done it. 470

Quoth Hudibras, That's answer'd soon:
Give us the whip, we'll lay it on.

Quoth lialpho. That we may swear true,
Twere projierer that I whipp'd you :
For when with your consent 'tis done, 475

The act is really j'our own.

Quoth Hudibras, It is in vain
(I see) to argue 'gainst the grain;
Or, like the stars, incline men to
What tliey're averse themselves to do : 480

For when disputes are weary'd out,
'Tis interest still resolves the doubt:
But since no reason can confute ye,
ni tiy to force you to your duty;
For so it js, howe'er j'ou mince it; 485

As e'er we part, I shall evince it ;
And curry (if you stand out) whether
You will or no, your stubboi-n leather.
Canst thou refuse to bear thy part
I' th' public work, base as thou art? 490

To higgle thus for a few blows.
To gain thy Knight an opulent spouse ;
Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase,
Merely for th' interest of the Churches;
And when he has it in his claws, 495

Will not be hide-bound to the Cause ?
Nor shalt thou find him a Curmurtgin,
If thou dispatch it without grudging.
If not, resolve, before we go,
That you and I must pull a crow, 500

Y' had best (quoth Jialp/io), as the ancients
Say wisely, Have a care o' tli' main chance,
And look before you ere you leap ;
Fov as you sow, y' are like to rtap ;
G

146 HUDIBKAS.

And were y' as good as George a Green,

I shall make bo.d to turu agen :

Nor am I doubtful of the issue

In a just quarrel, and mine is so.

Is't fittiug fi.r a nian of honour

To whip the Saints, like Bishop Bonner?

A Ki ijrht t' usurp the beadle's office.

For which y' art like to raise J^rave trophies>

But 1 advise you >not for fear,

But for your own saktj to forbear;

AihI for the Churches, whicli may chance,

From hence, to spring a variance,

And raise among themselves new scruples,

Whom common d;'.nger hai-dly couples.

Remember how. in arras and politics,

We still ha\e vxjrsted all your holy tricks;

Trepann'd your party with intrigur,

And look > our grandees down a peg ;-

New modcird th' army, and casliier'd

All tliat to It-gion SMEC adher'd ;

Made a mere utensil o' j our Church,

And after left It in tlie lurch ;

A scaffold to buiki tip our own,

And, when w' bad done with 't, puli'd it down ;

Capcch'ii >oui- .vabbins of the Synod,

And snapp'd their Canons with a why not ;

(Gravi jyiiod M* n, that were reverd

For solid tHce and depth otbe«rd) ;

Thtir classic n.odel prov'd a maggot,

The'r liirect'ry an Intfiau Paged;

A^ fiiown"d their discipline like a kitten,

On whith they'd been so long a sitting;

Decry 'd it as a holy ••lieat.

Grown out ofdaie, un<! obsolete;

An-.i all the S.iints of the first grassy

As casting foals of Balaam's ass.

At this th. Kmght grew high in chafe.
And starii.g I'uiiously on Ralph,
Ke treubitd, a;:d iook'd pale with ire;
lake ashes first, then red as fire.

2J

\

PART II. CANTO II. Ii7

Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, 545

And for so many moons lain hy't,

And, whi;n all other means ili<i fail,

(g) Have been exchangd for tubs of ale ?

Not but they thought rai worth a ransom

Much more consid'rable and handsome, 550

But for their ovm sakes, and for fear

They were not safe when I was there f

Now to be baffled by a scoundri 1, ^

An upstart sect'r}', and a mungrel ;

Such as breed out of peccant humours 555

Of our own Church, like wens or tumour?,

And like a maggot in a sor< ,

Would that whicli gave it life devour :

It nc-ver shall be done or said.

With that he seiz'd upon his blade : 560

And Ra'p/w too. as quick and bold,

Upon his basket-hilt laid hold.

With equal readiness prepar'd

To draw, and stand upon his guai-d ;

When both were parted on the sudden, 565

With hidijous clamour, aud a loud one,

As if all sorts of noise had been

Contracted into one loud din ;

Or that some member to be chosen,

Had got the odds above a thousand ; 570

And, by thi greatness of its noise,

Prov'd fittest tor his country's choice.

This strange surprisal put the Knight

And wrathful Squire into a fi-ight;

And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 575

Impetuous rancour to join battle.

Both tliought it was the wisest course

To wave the fight and mount to horse,

And to secure, by swift retreating,

Themselves from danger of worse beating. 580

Yet neither of them would disparage,

By utt'ring of his mind, his courage,

Which made 'em stoutly Keep theii- ground,

With horror and disdaiu wind-bound.

148 HUDIBRAS.

And now the cause of all their fear SSS

By slow degrees approaeh'd so near,
They might distinguish difF'rent noise
Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys.
And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub
Sounds like the hooping of a tub. 590

But when the sight appear'd in view.
They found it was an antique shew ;
A triumph, that, for pomp and state,
Did proudest Romans emulate :
For as the aldermen of Rome S9S

Their foes at training overcoJne,
And not enlarging territory
(As some mistaken write in story),
Being mounted, in their best array,
Upon a car, and who but they ! 600

And foUow'd with a world of tall-lads,
That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads,
Did ride with many a good-morrow,
Crying, Hey for our Town ! through the Borough;
So when this triumph drew so nigh 605

They might particulars descry.
They never saw two things so i>at,
In all respects, as this and that.
First, he that led the cavalcate

Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate, 610

On which he blew as strong a levet
As well-feed lawyer on his breviate,
When over one another's heads
They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes.
Xext pans and kettles of all keys, 615

From trebles down to double base.
And after them, upon a nag,
That might pass for a forehand stag,
A comet rode, and on his staff

A smock display'd did proudly wave. 620

Then bagpipes of the loudest drones,
With Siiuflling brokt-n-winded tones,
Whose blasU of air, in pockets shut,
Sound filthier than from the gut.

1

PART II. CANTO II. l49

And make a viler noise than swine 625

In windy weather, when they whine.

Next one upon a pair of panniers,

Full fraught with that, which for good manners

Shall here be nameless, inixt with grains,

Which he dispens'd among the swains, 630

And busily upon the crowd

At random round about bestow'd.

Then, mounted on a horned horse,

One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs,

Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword 635

He held reverst, the point tum'd downward.

Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed,

The conqueror's standard-bearer rid,

And bore aloft before the champion

A petticoat display'd, and rampant: 640

Near whom the Amazon triumphant

Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't

Sat face to tail, and bum to bum.

The warrior whilom overcome ;

Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 645

Which, as he rode, she made him twist off;

And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder

Chastis'd the refbrmado soldier.

Before the dame, and round about,

March'd whiffli rs and stafRers on foot, 650

With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages.

In fit and proper equipages ;

Of whom some torches bore, some links.

Before the proud virago raiux-,

That was both Madam and a Don, 655

Like Nero's Sporus^ or Pope Joan :

And at fit periods the whole rout

Set up their throats with clamorous shout.

The Knight, transported, and the Squire,

Put up their weapons, and their ire ; 660

And Hudibras, who us'd to ponder

On such sights with judicious wonder.

Could hold no longer to impart

His animadversions, for his Ueart.

150 HUDIBRAS.

Quoth he, In all my life, till now, fi65

I ne'er saw so prorane a show.
It is a Paganish invention,
Which heathen writers often mention:
And he who made it had read Goodwin,
Or Ross, or Ccrluis Rhodogine, 670

With all the Grecian Speeds and Stews,
That best describe those ancient shows;
And has observ'd alt lit decorums
We find describ'd by old historians :
For as the Roman conqueror, 67S

That put an end to i'oreign war,
Ent'ring the town in triumph for it,
(r) Bore a slave with liim, in his chariot;
So this insulting female brave.

Carries bchmd her here a slave: 680

And as the ancients long ago.
When they in field defy'd the foe,
(s) Hung out their mantles della guerre,
So h r proud standard-liearer here
Waves o»i his spear, in dreadful manner, 685

A Tyrian petticoat for banner.
(0 Next links and torches, heretofore
Still borne before the emiieror :
And as, in antique triumphs, eggs
Were borne for mystical intrigues, 690

Thtre's one in truncheon, lii>.e a ladle.
That carrit-s eggs too, fresh or addle;
And still at random, as he goes,
Among the rabble-rout liestows.

Cluoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 695

For all th' antiquity j^ou smatter
Is but a riding, us'd of course
When the grey mare's the better horse ;
Wlien o'er the breeches greedy women
Fight to extend their vast dominion; 700

And in the cause impatient Grizel
Has drubb'd her husband with bull's pizzle, -
And brought him under Covert Baron,
I'o turn her vassal with a murrain:

PART IT. CANTO H. 151

When wives their sexes shift, like hares, 705

And ride their husbands, like uighi-iuares,

And ihey, in mortal battle vaaquish'd,

Are of their charter dis enfrancliis'd,

And by the right of war, like Gills,

Ocndrtnn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels s 719

For when men by their wives are cow'd,

Their horns of course are understood.

Quoth Hudibras, Thou still giv'st sentence
Impertinently, and against sense :
'Tis not the least disparagement, 71S

To be defeated by th' event,
Nor to be beaten by main force ;
That does not make a man the worse,
Altho' his shoulders with battoon
Be claw'd and cudgL I'd to some tune ; 720

A taylor's 'prentice has no hai-d
Measure, that's baiig'd with a true yard:
But to turn tail, or run away.
And without blows give up the day;
Or to surrendr r ere th' assault, 72S

That's no man's fortune, but his fault;
And rendei-s men of honour le^s
Than all th' adversity of success:
And only unto such this shew

Of horns and petticoats is due. 730

There is a lesser prophanation,
Like that the Romans call'd ovation:
For as ovation was allowed
For conquest purchas'd without blood;
So men decree these lesser shows 735

For viet'ry gotten without blows.
By dint of sharp haixi words, which some
Give battle with, and overcome ;
These, mounted in a chaii-curule.
Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 740

March proudly to the (iver's side.
And o'er the waves in triumph ride ;
Like dukes of Venice, who are said
The Adriatic sea to we I;

152 HUDIBRAS.

And have a gentler wife than those

For whom the state decrees those shows.

But both are heatheuish, and come

From th' whoi'es of Babjlon and Rome ;

And by the saints should be withstood,

As antichristian and lewd ;

And we, as such, should now contribute

Our utmost strug5ling:s to proliibit.
This said, they both advanc'd, and rode

A dog-trot through the bawlijig crowd,

T' attack the leader, and still prest, 755

Till they approach'd him, breast to breast :

'1 hen Hiidibras, with face and hand,

Made signs for silence; which obtain 'd,

What means (quoth he) this devil's procession

"With men of orthodox profession? 760

' lis ethnic and idolatrous,

From heathenism deriv'd to us.

Does not the whore of Babylon ride

Upon her horned beast astride,

Like this proud Dame, who either is 765

A tyj>e of her, or she of tliis ?

Ai-e things of superstitious function

Fit to be used in gospel sunshine ?

It is an antichristian opera,

Much us'd in midnight times of popery; 770

Of rut:ning after self-inventions

Of wicked and prophane intentions ;

To scandalize tliat sex, for scolding,

To whom the saints are so beholden.

"Women, \\ ho were our first apostles, 775

Without whose aid w' had all been lost elSe ;

Wouien, tJiat left no stone unturn'd

Tu which the cause might be concern'd ;

Brought in their children's spoons and whistles,

To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols ; 780

Iheir husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts,

I'o take the saints' and churches' parts ;

Drew several gifted brethren in,

Ihat for the bishops would have been,

PART II. CANTO II. 153

And fix'd 'em constant to the party, 785

Witli motives powerful and hearty ;

Tlieir husbands robb'd, and made haixi shifts

T' administer unto their gifts

All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer,

To scraps and ends of gold and silver ; 790

Rubb'd down the teachers, tir'd and spent

With holding forth for parliament ; ^

Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal

"With marrow-puddings many a meal ;

Enabled them, with store of meat, 795

On controverted points to eat ;

And cramm'd 'em, till their guts did ake^

With caudle, custard, and plum-cake.

What have they done, or vvliat left undone,

That niirfit advance the cause at London ? 800

March'd rank a}jd file, with drum and ensign,

T' entrench the city for defence in ?

Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands,

To put the enemy to stands ;

From ladies doAvn to oyster-wenches 305

Labourd like pioneers in trenches ;

Fall'n to their pick axes, and tools,

And help"d the men to dig like moles ?

Ha v. not the handmaids of the city

Chose of their members a committee^ 81<J'

For raising of a common purse

Out of their wages, to raise horse I

And do they not as triers sit.

To judge what ofHci rs are fit ?

Have they- ? At that an egg Jet fly, 815

Hit him directly o'er the eye,

Aiid running down his cheek, besmear'd,

With orange-tawny slime, his beard;

But beard and slime being of one hue,

The wound the less appear'd in view. 820

Then he that on the panniers rode,

Let fly on th' otlier side a load ;

And, quickly charg'd again, gave fully

In Ralphoh face another volley.

154 HUDIBRAS.

The knight was startled with the smell, 825

And for liis sword began to feel ;

And Rdl/i/iii, sniother'd with the stink.

Grasp 'd his, when out that bore a iink,

O' ih' suddeti elaiip'd his flaming cudgel,

Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole ; 830

And str: iglit another, with his flambeau,

Gave R.l/jfio'i oVr the eye a damn'd blow.

The beasts hegan to kick and fling,

And forcM the rout to make a ring;

Thro' wliich they quickly broke their way, 835

And brought them ott'from further Iray:

And tho' d sorder'd in retreat,

Kach of them stoutly kept his seat:

For. quitting both tlitir swords and reins,

They grasp'd with all their strength the m^nes, 840

And to avoi'i the foe's piu-suit,

With spurring put their cattle to't;

And till all four were out of wind,

And danger too, ne'er look'd behind.

After th' Jiad paus'd awhile, supplying 845

Their spirits, spent with figlit and flying,

And Hudibras recruited force

Of hin^s, for action or discourse :

Quotli he, That man is sure to lose,
That fouls his hands with dirty foes: 850

Tor where no honour's to be gain'd,
'Tis thrown away in being maintaiu'd.
'Tw as ill for us, we had to do
With so dishonourable a foe :

For t'.io' tlie law of arms doth bar 855

The use of venom'd shot in war;
I'et by the nauseous smell, and noisome,
Their case-shot savour strong With {.oison ;
And doubtless iiave been chtw'd with teeth
Of some tliat had a stinking breath: 860

Else when we put it to the pu$h.
They had not giv'n us sucli a brush :
But as those poltroons that fling dirt,
Do but deflle, but cannot hurt;

PART II. CANTO II. 155

So all the honour they have won, 865

Or we have lost, is much as one.

'Twas Well we made so resolute

And brave retreat without pursuit;

For if we had not, we had sped

Much worse, to be in triumph led ; 870

Than wliich the ancients held no state

Of man's life more unfortunate.

But if this bold adventure e'er

Do chance to reach the widow's ear,

It may, being destin'd to assert Q'/S

Her sex's honour, reach her heart ;

And as such homely ti-eats (they say)

Portend good fortune, so this may.

Vespananiu) being daub'd with dirt,

Was destin'd to the empire for't; 380

And from a scavenger did conie

To be a mighty prince in Rome :

And why may not this foul address

Presage in love tlie same success ?

Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, 385

Advance in quest of nearest ponds ;

And after (as we first desigii'd)

Swear I've perforin'd what she enjoin'd-.

PART II. CANTO III.

THE ARGUMENT.

The Knight, with various doubts possest,

To win the lady goes in quest

Of Sidrophel, the Rosicrucian,

To know the dest'nies' resolution ;

Witli whom b'ing met, thtty both chop logic,

About the science astrologic ;

Til! falling from dispute to fight,

The conj'rer's worsted by the Knight.

DOUBTLESS the pleasure is as great
Of being cheated, as to cheat :
As lookers-on feci most delight.
That liast perceive a juggler's slight ;
And still the less they understand.
The more th' admire his slight of hand.

Some with a noise, and greasy light,
Are snapt, as men catch larks by night,
Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul,
As nooses by the legs catch fowl.
Some with a med'cine, and receipt,
Are drawn to nibble at the bait ;
And tho' it be a two-foot trout,
'Tis with a single hair puU'd out.

Others believe no voice t' an organ
So sweet as lawyer's in his bargown;
Until with subtle cobweb-cheats
Th' are catch'd in knotted law, like nets :
In which, whtn once they are iinbrangled,
The more they stir, the more they're tangled;
And while their purses can dispute,
There's no end of th' immortal suit.

PART II. CANTO III. 157

Others still gape f anticipate
The cabinet designs of fate,

Apply to wixaids, to foresee 25

What shall, and what shall never be ;
And, as those vultures do forbode,
Believe events prove bad or good :
A flam more senseless than the rog'ry
Of old aruspicy and augxy, 30

That out of garbages of cattle
Presag'd th' events of truce, or battle ;
Fi-om flight of bii-ds, or chickens' jiecking,
Success of great'st attempts would reckon:
Tho' cheats, yet more intelligible, 35

Than those that with the stars do friijble.
This Hudibras by proof found true.
As in due time and place we'll shew :
For he, with beard and face made clean,
B'ing mounted on his steed agen 40

(And Ralpho got a-coek horse too
Upon his beast, with much ado),
Advanc'd on for the widow's house,
T' acquit himself, and pay his vows;
When various thoughts began to bustle, 45

And with his inward man to justk-.
He thought what danger might accrue,
If she should find he swore untrue :
Or if his squire or lie should tail,
And not be punctual in their tale; 50

It might at once t»ie ruin prove
Both of his honour, faith, and love.
But if he sliould forbear to go.
She might conclude h' had broke his vow ;
And that he durst not now, for shame, Si

Appear in court, to tr> hi^ claim.
This was the pen'worth of his thought.
To pass time, ^nd uneasy trot.

Quoth he, in ail my past iidventures,
I ne'er was set so on the tenters ; 00

Or taken tardy with dilemma,
That, ev'ry way I turn, does hera me ;

158 HUDIBRAS.

And, with inextricable doubt,

Besets my puzzled wits about :

For tho' the damt- has been my bail, 6€

To free me from enchanted Jail ;

Yet as a dog, committed close

For some offence, by chant-e breaks loose,

And quits his clog; but all in vain,

He still draws after liiu his chain : 70

So, tho' my ankle she has quitted,

My heart continues siill committed ;

And like a bail'd and main-priz'd lover,

Altho' at large, I am bound over.

And when I shall appear in court, 75

To plead my cause, and answer fort.

Unless the judge do partial prove,

What will become of me and love?

For if in our account we vary,

Or but in circumstance miscarry ; 80

Or if she put me to strict proof,

And make me pull my doublet off,

To show, by evident record

Writ on my skin. 1' ve kept my word ;

How can I e'er expect to have her, 85

Having demurr'd unto her favour?

But, taith, and love, and honour lost,

Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post.

Beside, that stripping may prevent

What I'm to prov- by argument ; 90

And justify I have a tail,

And that way, too, my proof may fail.

Oh ! that I could enucleate.

And solve the prohlems of my fate ;

Or find, by necromantic art, 95

How far the Dest'nies take my part ;

For if 1 were not more than certain

To win and wear her and her fortune,

I'd go no farther in this courtship,

To hazard soul, estate, and worship lOfl

For though an oath obliges notj

%Vhere any thing is to be got

PART II. CANTO III. 159

<As tliou hast prov'd), j-et 'tis profane,
And sinful, when men swear in vain.

Quoth Ralph, Not far from hence doth dwell 105
A cunning man, hight Sidrop/iel,
That deals in destiny's dark counsels,
And sage opinions of the moon sells ;
To whom all people, far and near,
On doep importances repair : 110

When brass and pewter hap to stray,
And linen slinks out of the way ;
Wh.n geese and puUen are seduc'd,
And sows of sucking pigs are chous'd ;
When cattle feel indisposition, 115

And need ih' opinion of physician;
When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep,
And chickens languish of the pip ;
When ytast and outward means do fail,
And have no pow'r to work on ale ; 120

When butter does refuse to come,
And love proves cross and humoursome;
To him with questions, and with urine,
They for discov'ry ttock, or curing.

Quoth Hudibrns, This Sidrofihel 125

I've heard: of, and should like it well,
If thou ranst prove the saints have freedom
To go to sorc'rers when they need 'em.

Says Ral/jho, There's no doubt of that;
Tliose principles I quoted late, 130

Prove that the godly n)ay allege
For any thing their privilege ;
And to the dev'l himself may go,
If they have motives thereunto.
For, as there is a war betwi en 13*

The dev'l and them, it is no sin,
If they, by subtle stratagem.
Make use of him, as he does them.
Has not this present parhament

A (w) Ledger to the devil sent, 140

Fully empow\ r'd to treat about
Finding revolted witches out ?

160 HUDIBRAS.

And has not he, within a year,

Hang'd thivescort^ o! 'era iji one shire ?

Some only for not being (iiown'd, 145

And somf for sitting above groimd.

Whole days and nights, upon their breeches,

And feeling pain, were hang'd ibr witches :

And some fo putting knavish tricks

Upon gr. en geese, and turkey-chicks, 150

Or pigs, that suddenly d( Ct ast

Of gri( fs unnat'ral as h.- guest ;

Who after prov'd himsell'a witch,

And made a rod ior his own breech.

Did not the devil appear to Martin 155

Luther in Germany, for certain ;

And would have guli'd him with a trick,

But Martin was too politic?

Did he not help the (a) Dutch to purge

At Antuerp their cathedral church ? 160

(y) Sing catches to the saints at Moicon,

And tell them all they came to ask him ?

(z) Appear in divers shapes to Kelly,

And speak i' th' nun of Loudun'x belly ?

(a) Meet with the Parliament's committee, 165

At Woods; oik, on a pers'nal treaty ?

(6) At Sarum take a cavalier

I' th" cause's service prisoner;

As Withers, in immortal rhyme,

Has register'd to after-time I 170

Do not our grt at rttormers use

This S/drophet to forebode news;

To write of victories next year,

And < astk s takt n yet i' th' air ?

Of batties fought at sea. and ships 175-

Sunk two years hence the last eclipse ?

A total overthrow giv'n the King

In Cornwall, horse and toot, next Spring ?

And has not he point-blank Ibretold

Whats'. 'er the close committee would? 150

Made Mars and Saiuni for the cause;

The Moon for i'undamental laws ;

PART II. CANTO III. 161

The Ram, the Bull, and Goat declare

Against the book of common-pvay'i- ?

The Scorpion take the piotestatiou, 185

And Bear engage for reformation ;

Made nil the Royal stars recant,

Compound, and take the covenant ?

Quoth Hudibras, The case is clear,
The saints may 'mploy a conjuror ; 190

As thou hast prov'd it by their practice:
No argimient like matter of fact is.
And we are best of all led to
glen's principles by what thej do.
Then let us straight advance in quest 193

Of this profound Gymnosophist ;
And, as the Fates and he advise,
Pursue, or wave, this enterprize,
■ This said, he turn'd about his steed,
And eftsoons on th' adventure rid; 200

Where leave we him and Ralph awhile, -
And to the conj'rer turn our style,
To let ouv reader understand
What's useful of him, before-hand.

He had been long t'wards mathematics, 205

Optics, philosophy, and statics,
Magic, horoscopy, ^trology,
And was old dog at physiology.
But, as a dog that turns the spit,
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet 210

To climb the wheel, but all in vain.
His own weight brings him down again ;
And still he's in the selfsame place
Where at his setting out he was :
So, in the circle of the arts, 215

Did he advance liis nat'ral parts ;
Till falling back still, for retreat,
He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat :
F«r as those fowls that live in water
Are never wet, he did but smatter ; 220

Whate'er he labour'd to appear.
His understanding still was clear:

iG2 HUDIBRAS,

Tet none a deeper knowleflge boasted,

Since old (c) Hodge Bacon and Bob Grosted.

Th' intelligible world he knew, 22S

And all men dreamt on't to be true :

That in this world there's not a wart

That has not there a counterpart ;

Nor can there on the face of ground

An individual beard be found, 230

That has not, in that foreign nation,

A fellow of the selfsame fashion ;

So cut. so colour'd. and so curl'd.

As those are in th' inferior world.

H' had read Dee's prefaces before 235

The Dev^l, and Euclid, o'er and o'er;

And all th' intrigues 'twixt him and Kelly,

Lesciis and th' Emperor, would tell ye ;

But with tl»e moon was more familiar

Than e'er was Almanac well-wilier; 240

Her secrets understood so clear.

That some heliev'd he had been there ;

Knew when she was in fittest mood

For cutting corns, or letting blood ;

When (or anointing scabs or itches, 245

Or to the bum applying leeches ;

When sows and bitches may be spay'd,

And in what sign best cydir's made;

Whether the wane be, or increase.

Best to set garlic, or sow ptase ; 250

Who first found out the man i' th' moon,

That to the ancit-nts was unknown ;

How many dukes, and earls, and peers.

Are in the planetary spheres ;

Their airy empire, and command, 255

Their sev'ral strengths by sea and land ;

What factions th' have, and what they drive at

In public vogue, or what in private ;

With what designs and interests

Each party iii;:nages contests. 260

He made an instrument to know

If the Dioon shine at full or no :

PART IT. CANTO III. 163

That would, as soon as e'er slie slione, straight

Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate ;

Tell what her d'meter t' au inch is, 265

And prove that she's not made ot green cheese.

It wonld demonstrate, that the man in

The moan's a Sea Mediterranean ;

And that it is no dog nor bitch,

That stands behind him at his breech, 270

But a huge Caspian Sea, or laKO,

Witlj arms, which men .or legs mistake;

How large a gulph his tail composes,

AndAvbat a goodly bay his nose is;

How many German leagues by th' scale 275

Captr Snout's from Promontory lail.

He madi' a planetary gin,

"Which rats would run their own heads in,

And come on purpose to b- taken,

Without th' expence of cheese or bacon. 280

With lute-strings he would counterfeit

Maggots that crawl on dish o! meat;

Quoti- moles and spots on any place

O' th' body, Oy the index laue ;

Detect lost maiden-heat! s, by sneezing, 285

Or breaking wind o. dames, or pissmg;

Cui-e warts and coins, with ap^jlication

Of raed'cines to th' imagination ;

Fright agues into dogs, and scare

With rhymes the tooth-ach and c atarrh ; 290

Chase evil spirits away by dint

Of sickle, liorse-shoe, holiow-flint;

Spit fire out of a walnut-shell.

Which made the Roman slaves rebel;

And fire a mine in China here, ■ 295

With sympathetic gun-powder.

He knew whats'ever's to be known,

But much more than he knew would own :

What med'cine 'twas that i^aracelsus

Could make a man i\itl». as he tells us ; 300

What figiir'd slates are best to make,

On wat'ry surface, duck or drake ;

164 HUDIBRAS.

What bowUng-stones. in running race ••

Upon a board, have swiitest pace ;

Wht tiler a pulse beat in t!ie black 1305

Lisi of a dappled louse's back;

If systole or diastole move

Quickest when he's in wmth or love ;

When two ofthfra do run a race,

Whether they g^allop, trot, or pace; 310

How many scores a flea will jump,

Of his own length, from head to rump;

Which (rf) Socrates and Chcerephon

In vain assay'd so long agone ;

Wliether his snout a perfect nose is, 315

And not an elepliant's pi'oboscis ;

How many diff 'rent specieses

Of maggots breed in rotten cheese ;

And which are next of kin to those

Engender'd in a chandler's nose; . 320

Or those not seen, but understood.

That live in vinegar and wood.
A paltry wretch he had, halfistarv'd,

That him in place of Zany serv'd,

Hight Whachum, bred to dash and draw, 325

Not wine, but more unwholesome law ;

To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps,

Wide as meridians in maps ;

To squander paper, and spare ink.

Or cheat men of their words, some think. 330

From this, by merited degrees,

He'd to more high advancement rise ;

To be an undei-conjurt»r.

Or journeyman-astrologer:

His bus'uess was to pump and wheedle, 335

And men with their own keys unriddle ;

To make them to themselves give answers.

For which they pay die necromancers ;

To fetch and carry intelligence.

Of whom, and what, and where, and whence, 340

And all discoveries disperse

'Mong the whole pack of conjurer* j

PART 11. CANTO III. 165

;V^l^t cut-purses have left with them,
Jior the right owners to redeem ;
And what they dare not vent, find out, 345

To gain theniselves, and tli' art, repute ;
Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes,
Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops,
Of thieves ascendant in the cart;
And find out all by rules of art ; 350

Which way a serving man, that's run
With clothes or money away, is gone ;
Who pick'd a fob at holding-forth,
And where a watch, for half the worth,
May be redeem'd ; or stolen plate 355

Restor'd at conscionable rate.
Beside all this, he serv'd Iiis master
In quality of poetaster ;
And rhymes appropriate could make
To evei-y month i' the almanac : 360

When terms begin and end could tell.
With their returns, in doggerel ;
"When the Exchequer opes and shuts,
And sowgtider with safety cuts;
When men may eat and drink their fill, 365

And when be temp'rate if they will ;
When use, and when abstain from vice,
Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice.
And as in prison mean rogues beat
Hemp, for the service of the great ; 370

So Whachum beat his dirty brains,
T' advance his master's fame and gains ;
And, like the devil's oracles,
Put into dogg'rel i-hjmes his spells,
Which, over ev'ry month's blank page 375

1' th' almanac, strange bilks presage.
He would an elegy compose
On maggots squeez'd out of liis nose;
In lyric numbers write an ode on
His mistress eating a black pudden : 380

And when imprison'd air escap'd her,
It puft him •with poetic rapture.

t65 HUDIBRAS.

His sonnets charm'd th' attentive crowd,
By wide-iiioutli'd mortal troU'd a]oud,
That, circled with his long-ear'd guests, 389

Like Oi jheus look'd aniongnhe beasts:
A ca>';aau's horse could not pass b)>
But stood ty'cl up to poetry ;
No po iters burthen pass'd along,
But si rv'il tor burtlien to his song. 390

Each win'low like a pilPry appears,
"With heads thrust through, uail'd by the ears.
All trades run in as to tht sight
Of inonsters, or tlieir dear delight,
The gallow-tree, when cutting purse Z9S

Bn tds busintss .or heroic v. rst-,
Whi .h none does hear, but would have hung
T' have been the theme such a song.
Thosf two togetlier long had liv'd.
In mviision prudently lOitriv'.i ; 409

Where neither tree nor house could bar
The free detection of a star;
An<! nigh an aueient obelisk
(e) Was rais'd by him, found out by Fisk,
On which was written, not in wordS/ 405

But hieroglyphic mute o. birds,
Many rare pithy saws concerning
Th. worth oi' astro) oge. learning:
From top of this ihere hung a rope,
To whicli ho fastentd telescope ; 410-

The spe;tacles witli which the stars
He reads n si.iallest characters.
It happeu'd as a boy, one night»
Did tty his tarsel o*" a i-ute,

The strangest long wing'd hawk that flies, 41S

That, like a bird of paradise,
Or herald's martlet, has no legs.
Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs ;
His train was six yanls long, milk-white,
At th' end of which there hung a light, 420

Inclos'd in lanthern made of paper,
That far off like a star did appear.

I

* ■

i'

PART n. CANTO III. 167

This Sidrofihsl by chance espy'd,

And with amazemeni staring ^vide,

Bless us! quoth he, what dreadful wonder 425

Is thsjt appears in Heaven yonder ?

A comet, and without a beard,

Or star that ne'er bt-fore appear'd ?

I'm certain 'tis not in the scrowl

Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, 430

With which, like Indian plantations,

The learned stock the couste.lations ;

Nor those tliat drawn for signs have been,

To th' houses wlierc the planets inn.

It must be supernatural, 435

(e) Unless it he that cannon-ball

That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright,

Was borne to that prodigious height.

That learn'd philosophers maintain,

it ne'er came backwards down again ; 440

But, in the airy region yet,

Hangs !Jke the body of Mahomet ;

For if it be above the shade

That b\ the earth's round bulk is made,

'Tis probable it may from far 445

Appear no bullet, but a star.

This said, he to his engine flew,
Plac'd near at hand, in open view.
And rais'd it till it levell'd right

Against the glow-worm tail of kite. 450

Then peeping thro'. Bless us ! (quoth he)
It is a planet now 1 see ;
And if I err not, by his proper
Fig ae, that's like tobacco-stopper.
It should be Saturn. Yes, 'tis clear 45J

'Tis SUurn ; but what makes him theye?
He's got betweai the dragon's tail.
And farther leg behind o' th' whale:
Pray Heav'n divert the fatal omen,
For 'tis a prodigy not common ; 460

And can no less than the world's endj
Of nature'^ funeral, portend.

470

1G8 HUDIBRAS.

With that he fell again to pry

Thro' perspective more wistfully,

When by mischance the fatal string, 465

That kept the tow'ring fowl on wing.

Breaking, down fell the star. Well shot,

Quoth IVhachum, who right wisely thought

H' had levell'd at a star, and hit it:

But Sidrophel, more subtil-witted, 470

Cry'd out, What horrible and fearful

Portent is this, to see a star fall ?

It threatens nature, and'the doom

Will not be long before it come !

When stars do fall, 'tis plain enough,

The day of judgment's not far off;

(/) As lately 'twas reveal'd to Sedgwick,

And some of us find out by magic.

Then since the time we have to live

In this world's shorten'd, let us strive 480

To make onr best advantage of it,

And pay our losses with our profit.

This feat fell out not long before
The Knight, upon the forenam'd score,
In quest of Sidrophel advancing, 485

Was now in prospect of the mansion ;
Whom he discovering, turn'd his glass,
And found far off 'twas Hvdibras.

Whachum (quoth he), look yonder, some
To try or use our art are come : 490

The one's the learned Knight : seek out,
And pump 'em what they come about.
Wliachum advanc'd, with all submissness,
T' accost 'em, but mudi more their bus'ness.
He held a stirrup, while the Knight 405

From leatliern bare-bones did alight ;
And taking from his hand the bridle,
Approach'd the dark Squire to unriddle.
He gave him first the time o' th' day,
And welcom'd him, as he night say: 500

He askM him whence he cam' , and whither
Their bus'ness laj ? Quoth Raipho^ Hither.

PART IL CANTO III. 1§}

Did you not lose— ? Quoth Ralpho Nay—
Quotli Whachum, Sir, 1 meant your way !
Your Knight— Quoth Ral/jfto, Is a lover, -505

And pains intolerable doth suffer :
For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts.
Nor lights, nor lungs, and so fortli downwai-ds.
What time— Quoth Ralpho, Sir, too long.
Three years it off and on has hung— 510

Quoth he, I meant what time o' th' day 'tis.—
Quoth Ralpho, Between Scve.i and eight 'tis.—
Why thtn (quoth IVhaihum) my small art
Tells me, the dame has a ti:ird heart,
Or great estate— Quoth Ralph, A jointure, 515

Which makes him have so hot a mind t' her.
Meanwhile the Knight was making water,
Before he fell upon tije matter;
Which having done, the Wizai-d steps in,
To give him suitable reception; 526

But kept his business at a bay,
Till JVha hum put him in the way;
Who having now, by Ralpho's light.
Expounded th' errand of the Kniglit,
And what he came to luiow, drew near, 525

To whisper in the conj'rer's ear.
Which he prevented thus : What was 't,
Quoth he, that I was saying last.
Before these gentlemen arriv'd ?
Quoth IVhachum, Venus you retriev'd, 550

In opposition with Mars,
And no benign and friendly stars
T' aliay th' effect. Quoth Wizard, So !
In Virgo ? Ha ! Quoth IVhachum, No :
Has Saturn nothing to do in it? 53$

One tenth of 's circle to a miuute.
'Tis well, quoth he.— Sir, you'll excuse
This rudeness I am forc'd to use;
It is a scheme and face of heaven,
As th' aspects are dispos'd this even, 540

I was contemplating upon.
When you arriv'd ; but now I've done.
H

17fJ HUDIBRAS.

Quoth Hudibras, If I appear
UnseasonabJe in coming here
At such a time, to interrupt
Your speculations, which I hopM
Assistance from, and come to use,
'lis fit that I ask your excuse.

By no means, sir, quoth Sidrophel,
The stars your coming did foretei ;
I did expect you here, and knew,
Before you spake, your bus'ness too.

Quoth Hudibras, Make that appear,
And I shall credit whatsoe'er
You tell me after, on your word,
Howe'er unlikely, or absuitl.

You are in love, sir, with a widow.
Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you,
And for three years has rid your wit
And passion, without drawing bit:
And now, your bus'ness is to know
If }0u shall carry her or no.

Quoth Hudibrax, You're in the right ;
But how the ilevil you came by't,
I can't imagine ; for the stars,
I'm sure, can tell no u»ore than a horse ;
Nor can their aspect (tlio' you pore
Your eyt s out on 'em) ttU you more
Than th' oracle of sieve and sheei-s,
That turns as certain as the spheres:
But if the devil's of your council,
IVlucli may be done, my noble Douzel ;
And 'tis on his account I come«
To know from you my atal doom.
Quoth Sidrophel, If you suppose,
Sir Knight, that 1 am one of those,
I might suspect, and take th' alarm,
Your bus'ness is but to inform :
But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near.
You have a wrong sow by the ear;
For 1 assure you, for my part,
J only deal by rules ©f art;

PART II. CANTO III, 171

Such as are lawful, and Judge by

Conclusions oi' astrology :

But for the dev'l, know nothing by him, 5S5

But only this, that I tltfy him.

Quoth he. Whatever others deem ye,
I understand your metonymy ;
Your woi-ds of second-hatid intention,
When things by wrosig^ul namvs you mention ; 590
The mystic sense o( all jour terms,
That are indeed but magic charms
To raise the devil, and mean one thing,
And that is downright conjuring ;
And in itself more warrantable, S9S'

Than cheat, or canting to a rabble,
Or putting tricks upon the moon,
Which by confed'racy are done.
Your ancient conjurers were wont
To make her froai her sphere dismount, 600

And to their iucaritation stoop ;
They scorn'd to pore thio' telescope,
Or idly play at bo-peep with her,
To find out cloudy or tair weather.
Which ev'ry almanac can tell, 605

Perhaps as learnedly and well
As you yourself. Then, friend, I doubt
You go the furthest way about:
(g) Your modern Indian magician
Makes but a hole in th' earth to piss in, 610

And straight resolves all questions by't,
And seldom fails to be i' th' right.
The Rosicrucian way's more sure
To bring the dev'l to the lure ;
Each of 'em has a sev'ral gin, 61

To catch intelligences in. *

Some by the nose with fumes trepan 'em.
As Dimstan did the devil's grannam ;
Others, with characters and woixis,
Catch 'em, as men i'l nets do birds ; 62

And some with symbols, signs, and trick*,
Engrav'd in planetary nicks,

172 HUDIBRAS.

With their own influences m ill fetch 'em

Dowr. from their otbs. arrest, and catch 'era ;

Make them depose, and answiT to 625

All questions, ere they let them go.

(A) Bumbastus kept a devil's bird

Shut in the pummel of his sword.

That taught him all the cunning pranks

Of past and future mountebanks. 630

Kelly did all his feats upon

The devil's looking-glass, a stone;

Where, playing with him at bo-peep,

He solv'd all problems ne"er so deep.

(?) Agrifipa kept a Stygian pug, 635

I' th' garb and habit of a dog,

That was his tutor; and the cur

Read to th' occult philosopher,

And taught him subi'ly to maintain

All other sciences are vain. 640

To this, quoth Sidrop/tello, Sir,
Agrippa was no conjurer,
Nor Paracelsus- no, nor Behmen ;
Nor was the dog a cacodtemon.

But a true dog, that would shew tricks 645

For th' Emperor, and leap o'er sticks;
Would fetch and carry, was more civil
Than other dogs, but yet no devil ;
And whatsoe'er he's said to do,

^ie wtiit the self-same way we go. 650

As for the Rosy-Cross philosophers,
'Vhom yoij will have to be but sorcerers,
JVlmt tiiey pretend to, is no more
^haii Tris/negiitiis- did before,

Pythagoras, old Zoroaster, Qss

nd Apollonius their master;

'o whom they do confess th^y owe

.11 that they do, and fll t^iey A,now.

Quoth Hudibras, Alas ! what is't t' us,

'hether 'twas said by TrU ifi^iuus, 660

Mt lie nonsensi-, false, or mystic,

I' not intelligible, or sophistic?

PART II. CANTO III. 173

'Tis not antiquity, nor author,

That makes Iruth Truth, altho' Time's daughter:

'Twas Jie that put her in the pit, 66S

Before he pull'd lier out of it;

And as he eats his sons, just so

He teeds upon his daughters too :

Nor does it follow, 'caiise a hrrald

Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 670

To be desct-nded of a race

Of anirient kings, in a small space,

That we should all opinions hold

Authentic, that we can make old.

Quoth SidvopheU It is no part 675

Of prudence, to cry down an art ;
And what it maj perform, deny,
Because you understand not why:
(As {k) Averrlioi.! play'd but a mean trick.
To damn our whole art for eccentric) : 68<)

For, who knows all that knowledge contains ?
Men dwell not on the tops of mountains,
But on their sides, or rising's seat ;
So 'tis with knowledge's vast height.
Do not the hist'ries of all ages 685

Relate miraculous presages
Of strange turns in the world's affairs,
Foreseen b' astrologers, soothsayers,
Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacs,

And some that have writ almanacs ? 609

(0 The Median emp'ror dreamt his daughter
Had pist all Asia under water,
And that a vine, sprung from her haunches,
O'erspread his emi)ire with its branches :
And, did not soothsayers expound it, 695

As after, by th' event, he found it ?
{m) When Cassar in the senate fell,
Did not the sun eclips'd foretel,
And, in resentment of his slaughter,
Look pale for almost a year after ? 700

(«) Augustus, having b' oversight
Put on his left shoe 'fore his right,

1/4 HUEllBRAS.

Had like to have been slain that day
By soldiers mutin'ing for pay.

Are there not mynads of this sort, 705

Which stories of all times report ?
Is it not om'nous in all countries,
When crows and ravens croak upon trees ?
(o) The Roman senate, wht n within
The city walls an owl was seen, 710

Did cause their clergy, with lustrations
(Our synod calls humiliations),
The round-fac'd prodigy l' avert
From doing town or counti^ hurt :
And if an owl have so much pow'r, 715

Why should not planets have much more,
That in a region, far above
Inferior fowls of the air, move,
And should see farther, and foreknow
More than their augury below ? 720

Tho' that once serv'd the polity
Of mighty states to govern by ;
And this is what we take in hand,
By pow'rful art to understand :

Which, how we have perforuiM, all ages 725

Can speak th' events of our presages.
Have we not lately, in the moon.
Found a new world, to th' old unknown ?
DiseoverM sea and land, Cotwubus
Ami Magellan could never compass? 730

Made mountains witW our tubes appear,
And cattle grazing on 'em there ?
Q'loth Hu'libraa- You lie so ope,
That 1, withuut a telescope.

Can find your tricks out, and descry 735

Whei-e you tell truth, and where you lie :
For {^) Anaxagoras, long agone,
Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' moon ;
And held the sun was but a piece
Of red-hot iron, as big as Grt- ece ; 740

Believ'd the heav'ns were made of stone,
Because the sun had voided one ;

PART 11. CANTO III. 175

And, rather than he would recant
Th' opinion, sufFer'd banisliment.

But what, alas ! is it to us, 745

Whether i' th' moon men thus or thus
Do eat their porridge, cut their corns,
Or whether they have tails or horns ?
What trade from thence can you advance,
But what we nearer have from France ? 750

What can our travellers bring home,
That is not to be learnt at Rome ?
Wliat politics, or strange opinions.
That are not in our own dominions?
What science can be brought from theace, 755

In which we do not here commence ?
What revelations, or religions,
That are not in our native regions ?
Are sweating lanthorns, or screen-fans,
Made better there than th' are in France ? 760

Or do they teach to sing and play
C til' guitar there a newer way?
Can they make plays there, that shall fit
The public humour, with less wit ?
Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 765

Or fight with more ingenious blows?
Or does the man i' th' moon look big,
And wear a huger perriwig,
Shew in his gait, or face, more tricks
Than our own native linatics ? 770

But if w' out-do him here at home.
What good of your design can come?
As wind i' th' hypocondres pent.
Is but a blast if downward -.ent ;
But if it upward chance to fly, 775

Becomes new light and prophecy :
So when your speculations tend
Above their just and useful end,.
Altho' they promise strange ai d great
Discoveries of tilings far set, 7§0

They are but idle drt^ms and 'kncies,
And savour strongly of the ganzas.

176 HUDIBRAS.

Tell me but what's the iiat'ral cause,
Why on a sign no painter draws
The fuU-iiiOon ever, but the half;
Resolve that witli jour Jacob's staff;
Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her,
And dogs howl whr-n she shines in water ;
Aiid I shall freely give my vote.
You maj know something more remote.

At this, deep Sidrophel look'd wise,
And staring round w ith owl-like eyes,
He put his sact- into a posture
Of sapience, and began to bluster:
For having thi-ee times shook his head
To stir his wit up, thus he said :
Art has no mortal enemies,
Next ijrnorance. but owls and geese ;
Those consecrated geese in orders,
That to the capitol were wai-ders; 8oa

And being then upon patroie,
With noise alone beat off the Gaul:
Or those Athenian sceptic owls.
That will not credit their own souls;
Or any science understand, 805

Beyond the reach of eye or hand :
But meas'rii.g ail things by thoir own
Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known :
Those wholesale critics, that in cofFee-
Htmses cry ilov.n ;ili philosophy, 810

And will not k.iow upon v.hat ground
In nature we our doctrine found,
Altho" with prtgnant evidence
We can demonstrate it to sense,
As i just now have done to you, 815

i"orttelling what you came to know.
Were the stars only made to light
Robbers and burglarers by night ?
To -wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders,
And lovers solacing belnntl doors, 829

Or giving one another pledges
Of matiJinony uuder hedges I ^^

PART II. CANTO III. 177

Or witches simpling, and on gibbets
Cutting from maietaetors snippets ?
.Or from the piliory tips o ears 825

Of rebel-saints, and perjurers?
Only to stand by, and look on,
But not know what is said or done .'
Is there a constellation tiiere,

That was not born and bred up here ? 830

And therefore cannot be to learn
In any inferior concern.
Were they not, during all their lives,
Most of 'em pirates, whores, and thieves?
And is it like they have not still 835

In their old practices some skill?
Is there a planet that by birth
Does not derive its house from earth ;
And therefore probably must know
What is and hath been done below ? 840

Who made the Balance, or whence came
The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram ?
Did not we here the Argo rig,
Make Berenice's perriwig ?

Whose liv'ry does the Coachman wear ? 845

Or who made Ca ^siopeia's chair ?
And therefore, as they came from hence.
With us may hold intelligence.
Plato deny'd the world can be

Govern'd without geometry ; 850

(For money b'ing the common scale
Of things by measure, weight, and tale;
In all th' affairs of ciiurch and state,
'Tis both the balance and the weight:)
Then much less can it be without 855

Divine astrology matle out ;
That puts the other down in worth,
As far as heav'n's above the carih.

These reasons (quoth the knight) I grant
Are something more siguiticaut 860

Than any that the learned use
Upon this subject to produce ;
H2

irS HUDiBRAS.

And yet tli' are far from satisfactory,

T' establish and keep up your ii'actoiy.

Th' Egyptians (9) say. tlie sun has twice SOS

Shifted his setting and his rise ;

Twite has he risen in the west,

As many times set in the east;

But whether that be true or no,

The devil any of you know. 870

Some (r) hold the heavens, like a top.

Are kept by circulation up ;

And, were't not for their wheeling round,

They'd instantly fall to the ground:

As sage Empec/octef of old, 875

And from hiin modern authors hold.

Plato (..) believ'd tlie sim and moon

Below all other jilanets run.

Some Mercury, some Venus, seat

Above the sun himself in height. 880

The learned Scaliger (t) coiuplain'J

'Gaii.st what Cofjtrnicun mahitain'd,

That, in twelve hundred years and odd.

The sun had left its ancient road,

And nearer to the earth is come 885

'Bove fifty thousand miles from home :

Swoi-e "twas a most notorious flam,

Ami he tliat had so little shame

To vent suoh fopperies abi'oad,

Desevv'd to have liis rumi) well claw'd : 890

"Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore

That he deserv'd the rod iiiucli more,

That durst upon a truth give doom,

He knew kss of than Pope of Rome.

Cardan («) believ'd great states depend 895

Upon tlie tip o' th' be ar's tail's end ;

That, as she whisked it to'ards the sun,

Strow'd mighty empires up and down :

%Vhich others say must ne^ ds be false.

Because your true bears have iio tails. 900

Some say the zodiac coi'Stellalions

Have long since chang'd their antique stations

PART II. CANTO III. 179

Above a sign, and prove the same

In Tauriis now, once in the rain ;

Affirm the Trigons chopp'd and chang'd, 905

The watry with the fiery rang'd :

Then liow can their effects still hold

To be the samt- they wer* of old ?

This, tho' the art wii-e true, would make

Our modern soothsayers mistake; 910

And is one cause they tell more lies,

In ii inures and nativities,

Tisan th' old (w) Chaldean conjurers,

In so many hundred thousand years ;

Beside their nonsense in translating, 915

For want of accidence and Latin,

Like Id us, a:.d Calendte, Eiiglisht

The quarter-days by skilful linguist:

And yet with cantim^, sltight, and cheat,

'Twill serve their turn to do the feat ; 920

Make fools believe in their foreseeing

Of things before they are in being;

To swallow gudgeons ei-e they're catch'd,

And count their chickens ere they're hatcli'd;

Make them the constellations prompt, 925

And give 'em back their own accomptj

But still the best to him that gives

The best price for't, or best believes.

Some towns, some cities, <!ome for brevity

Have cast the 'versal worll's nativity; 930

And made the infant-stars confess.

Like fools or childr. n, what they please.

Some calculate the hidden fates

Of monkeys, p\ippy-dogs, and cats :

Some running-nags, and figliting-cocks, 935

Some love, trade iaw-suits, and ti e pox:

Some take a measure of the lives

Of fath-rs, mothers, husbands, wives;

Make opposition, trine, aiid quatile,

Tell who is barren, and who fertile; PlO

As if the planet's first aspect

The tender infant did infect

J 80 HUDIBRAS,

K

In soul and body, and instil

All future good, and future il! ;

Which in their dark fatal'ties lurking, it.js

At destin'd periods fall a working ;

And break out, like the hidden seeds

Of long diseases, into deeds,

In friendships, enmities, and stiife,

And all th' emergencies of life: 950

No sooner does he peep into

The world, but he has done his do,

Catch'd all diseases, took all physic

That cures or kills a man that is sick;

Marry \1 his punctual dose of wives, y55

Is cuckolded, and breaks, or thrives.

There's but the twinkling of a star

Between a man of peace and war ;

A thief and justice, fool and knave,

A huffing officer, and a slave ; 9C0

A crafty lawyer, and pick-pocket,

A great philosopher, and a block-head ;

A formal preacher, and a player,

A learird physician, and manslayer.

As if men from the stars did suck 96f

Old age, diseases, and ill-luck,

Wit. folly, honour, virtue, vice,

Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice ;

And draw with the fust air they beathe,

Battle, and murder, sudden death. 970

Are not these fine commodities,

To be imported from the skies,

And vended here among the rabble.

For staple >roods antl wan-antable ?

C:t) Like money by the druids bon'ow'd, 975

In th' otljer m orld to be restor'd ?

Quoth Sidrophel, To let you know
You wrong the art, and artists too,
Since arguments are lost on those
That do our principles oppose ; 980

1 will (altho' I've done't before)
Demonstrate to your sense once more,

PART II. CANTO III. 181

And draw a figure that shall tell you

What you, perhaps, forget befel you,

By way of horaiy inspection, 985

Wliich some account our worst erection.

With that he circles draws, and squares,

With cyphers astral characters;

Then looks 'em oVr to undLrstand 'em,

Although set down hab-iiab, at random. 990

Quoth he. This scheme of th' heavens set,
Discovers how in fight you met
At Kingston with a may-pole idol,
And that y' were bang'd both back and side well ;
And though you overcame the bear, 995

The dogs beat you at Brentford fair;
Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle.
And handled you like a fopdoodle.

Quoth Hitdibras, I now perceive
You are no conj'rer, by your leave : 1000

That iy) paltry stoi-y is untrue,
And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you.

Not true ? quoth he ; howe'er you vapour,
I can what 1 affirm make appear.
IVhachum shall justify't t' your face, 1005

And prove he was upon the place-
He play*d the Saltinbaneho's part,
Transform'd t' a French raai> by my art:
He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket,
Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead: 1010

And what you lost I can produce,
If you deny it, here i' th' house.

Quoth Hudibra.t, I do believe
That argument's demonstrative.
iZa/j&/jo, bear witness; and go fetch us 1015

A constable to seize the wretches :
For though th' are both false knaves and cheats,
Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits,
I'll make them serve for perpendiculars
As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 1020

They're guilty, by their own confessions,
Of felony, and at the sessions,

182 HUDIBRAS.

Upon the bench, I will so handle 'era,

That the (z) vibration of this pendulum

Shall inake all taylors' yards of one 1025

Unanimous opinion ;

A thing he long has vapour'd of,

But now shall make it out by proof.

Quoth Sidrophel, I do not doubt
To find friends that will bear me out. 1030

Nor have I hazarded my art,
And neck, so long on the state's part,
To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer
By such a braggadocio buffer.

Hufter ! quoth Hudibrat : this sword 1035

Shall down thy false throat cram that word.
Rwpho, make haste, and call an officer,
To apprehend this Stygian sophister.
Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay,
Lest he and tyiiachum run away. 1040

But Sldrophel, who, from the aspect
Of Hudibras,iiiA now erect
A figure worse portenting far
Than that of a malignant star,

Belif'v'd it now the fittest moment 1045

To shun the danger that might come on't,
Whilt Hudibvas was all alone,
And he and JVhachum, two to one.
This i^eiiig resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance,
Beliind the door, an iron lance, 1050

That many a sturdy limb had gord,
And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd ;
He snatvh'd it up, and made a pass.
To make his way through Hudibras.
JVhachum had got a fire-fork, 1055

AVith which he vow'd to do his work.
But Hudibras was well piepar'd,
And stoutly stood upon his guai-d :
He put by SldioplitUo' s thrust,

And in right manfully he rush'd ; 1060

Ihe weapon from his gripe he wrung,
And laid him en the earth along,

I

PART II. CANTO III. 183

Whachum his sea'Coal prong threw by,

And basL'ly tiirn'd his back to fly:

But Hudibras gave him a twitch 1065

As quick as light'ning in the breech,

Just in the place where honour's lodg'd,

As wise philosophers have judged;

Because a kick in that place more

Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 1070

Quoth Hudibras, '1 he stars determine
You are my prisoners, base vermin !
Could they not tell you so as M'^ell
As what I came to know foretell ?
By this what cheats you are we find, "1075

That in your own concerns are blind.
Your lives are now at my dispose,
To be redeem'd by fine or blows :
But who his honour would defile,
To take or sell two lives so vile ? 1080

I'll give you quarter ; but your pillage,
The conqu'ring warrioi''s crop and tillage,
Which with his swoi-d he reaps wnd ploughs,
That's mine, the law of arms allows.

This said in haste, in haste he ftU 1085

To rummaging oi Sidrofjliel.
First, he expounded both his pockets.
And found a watch, with rings and lockets,
Which had been lelt with him t' erect
A figure for, and so detect ; 1090

A copper-plate, with almanacs
Engrav'd upou't; with other knacks,
Of Booker^ s, Liliy'i\ Sai-ah Jlmmers',
And blank schemes to discover nimmers;
A moon dial, with Napier's bones, 1095

And sev'rai constellation stones,
Engrav'd in jilanetary hours,
That over mortals had strange powers
To make 'em tlirive ui law or trade,
And stab or poison to evade ; 1100

In wit or wisdom to improve,
And be victorious in love.

1S4 HUDIBRAS.

Whachum had neither cross nor pile ;

His plunder was not worth the while ;

All which the coiiqu'i-or did diseonipt,

To pay for curing oC Ins rump.

But Sidrophel, as lull of tricks

As Rota-men of politics,

Straight cast about to overreach

Th' unwary conqu'i-or with a fetch,

And make him glad at least to quit

His victory, and fly the pit,

(a) Before the Secular Prince of Darkness

Ariiv'd to seize upon his carcase;

And as a fox, witli hot pursuit

Chac'd thi-o' a warren, casts about

To save his credit, aud among

Dead vermin on a gallows liung,

And while the dogs run underneath,

Escap'd Cby counterfeiting death), 1120

Not out of cunning, but a train

Of atoms justling in his brain,

As learn'd philosophers gi ve out ;

So Sidro/j/ielio cast about,

And ftU to's wonted trade again, 11"25

To feign himself in earnest slain :

First stretch'd out one leg, then another,

And see.iiiug in his breath to smother

A broken sigh i quoth he, Where am I,

Aliv«' or dead ? or wliicli way came I 1130

Through so immense a s})ace so soon ?

But now I thought myself i' th' Moon;

Aud that a monster, with huge whiskers,

More formidable than a Switzer's,

My body through and throuw^h had drill'd, 1135

And Whachum by my side had kiU'd :

Had cross-examiu'd both our hose.

And plundei'd all we had to lose.

Look, tliere he is; 1 see him now.

And feel the place I am run through: 1140

And there lies IVhachum by my side

Stone dead, and in his own blood dy'd.

PART II. CANTO III. 185

Oh ! Oh ! with that he fetch'd a groan.

And ftll again into a swoon ;

Sliut botli his eyes, and stopp'd his breath, 1145

And to tlie hfe out-acted death ;

That Htidibras, to all appearing,

Beiiev'd liini to be dead as herring.

He held it now no longer safe

To tarry the return oi' Ralph, 115*

But ratlier leave him in the lurch :

Thought he, he has abus'd our Church,

Refus'd to give himself one firk

To carry on the public work ;

Despis'd our Synod-Men like dirt, 1155

And made their discipline his sport;

Divulg'd the secrets of their classes,

And their conventions prov'd high places ;

Disparag'd their tythe-|)igs as Pagan,

And set at nought their cheese and bacon ; 1160

Raifd at their Covenant, and jeer'd

Their rev'rend parsons, to my beard :

For all which scandals, to be quit

At once, this juncture falls out fit.

I'll make him henceforth to beware, 1165

And tempt my fury, if he dare.

He m;ist at least hold up his hand,

By tWfhe freeholders to be scann'd ;

Who, by their skill in palmistry,

Will quickly read his destiny ; \\1%

And make him glad to read his lesson,

Or take a turn for 't at the session ;

Unless his lights and gifts prove truer

Than evtv yet they did, I'm sure ;

For if he 'scape with whipping now, 1075

'Tis more than he can hope to do ;

And that will disengage my conscience

Of th' obligation in his own sense.

I'll make him now bj^ ibrce abide

What he by gentle means deny'd, 1180

To give my honour satisfaction,

And right the Brethren in the action.

18G IIUDIBRAS.

This being resolv'd, with equal speed

And conduct he approach'd his steed,

And with activity unwont, 118*

Assay'd the lofty beast to mount;

Which once achiev'd, he spurr'd his palfrey,

To get from th' enumy, and Ralph, free :

Left dangers, fears, and foes behind,

And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. 3 190

NOTES TO PART II. CANTO I.

1 (a) BUT noiv f observe, &c,] Tht- beginning of this
Second Part may perhaps seem strange and abrupt to
those who do not know that it was written on purpose
in imitation of Virgil, who begins the IVth Book of
his ^neifls in the very same manner, At Regina gra-
vi, &c. And this is enough to satisfy the curiosity of
those who belii ve that invention and fancy ought to
be measured (like cases in law) by precedents, or else
they are in the power of the critic.

205 (6) A Saxon Duke, &c.] This history of the
Duke of Saxony is not so strange as that of a Bishop,
his counti-yman, who was quite eaten up with rats
and mice.

237 (c) /Tin^ Pyrrhus, ^c] Pj/rr/jwj, King of Epirus,
as Piiny says, had this occult quality in his toe, Polli-
cis in tlextro Pedetactu Lienosis medehatnr, L. 7. C. 11.

259 (d) In c/o*e Catasta shut, &c.] Cafasta is but a
pair of stocks in English. But heroical poetry must
not admit of any vulgar word (especially of paltry
signification), and therefore some of our modem au-
thors are fain to import foreign words IVom abi'oad,
that were never before heard of in our language.

371 («) The ancient writers of the lives of saints
were of the same sort of people who first writ of
knight-errantry: and as in the one th<ry rendered the
brave actions of some great persons ridiculous, by
their prodigious lies, and sottish way of describing
them, so tin y have abused the piety of some devout
persons, by imposing such stories on thrm as tliis upon
St. Franrlf.

393(7') This made the beauteous Queen, &c.] The
History of Fasiphoe is common enough : only this may
be observed that though slie brought the Dull a soi i and
heir, yet the husband v\as fa-n to fathrr it; as appears
by the name ; '.-evhaps. >> cause being- an island, he was
within the foui- seas when the infant was begotten.

1.88 HUDIBRAS.

438 (g) As your own Secretary, &c.] Albertus Mng'
nus was a Swedish Bishop, who wrote a very learned
work. De Secretis Mulierum,

470 (h) Unless it be to squint, &c.] Pliny,\n his Natu-
ral History, affirms, Uni animalium homini oculi depra-
vantur,uncle Cognornina Strabonum & Pietoru?n,lAb. 2,

532 (i) As Fiiar Bacon's Noddle was, &c.] The tradi-
tion of Friar Bacon and the Brazen Head is very com-
monly known; and, considering the times he lived in,
is not much more strange than what another great
Philosopher of his name has delivereil up of a ring,
that being tied in a string, and held like a pendulun%
in the middle of a silver bowl, will vibrate of itself,
and tell exactly, against the sides of the divining cup,
the same thing with, Time is^ Time xvas, &c.

533 (k) American Indians, among whom (the same
authors affirm) there are others, whose sculls are sa
soft, to use their own words, Ut Digitoperforaripossunt,

556 (0 Or Oracle, &c.] Jupiter's Oracle in Epirus,
npar the City of Dodona, Ubi Nemus erat Jovi sacrum,
Querneum totum, in quo Javis Dodencei templumfuisse
narratur.

715 (/) Semiramis, Queen of Assyria, is said to be the
first that invented Eunuchs- Semiramis teneros mares
castravit omnium prima. Am. Marcel. L. 34. p. 12.
Which is something strange in a lady of her constitu-
tion, who is said to have receivrd horses into her em-
braces ; but that, perhaps, may be thi reason why she
afteiwai"ds thouglit men not worth the while.

725 (m) For some Philosophers, &c.'] Sir K D. in
his Book of Bodies, who lias this stoi*y of the German
Boy. which he endeavours to make good by several
natural reasons ; by wliieh thos'- wlio have the dexte-
rity to believe what they please, may be fully satisfied
of the probability of it.

845 (n) A Persian Emperor, &c.] Xerxes, who used
to whip the seas and wind. In Corum atque Eurum
soUtus servirc ringellis. Jiiv, Sat. 10.

NOTES TO PART II. CANTO 11.

15 (n) So /A' anrietu Stoics, &c.] In Porticu (Sioico-
rum Schola Atlitnis) Discipulorum seditionibus millt
Quadringenti triginta Cives interfecti sunt. Diog.
Laeri. in vita Zenoim, p. 383. These old Virtuosos
were better proficients iu those exercises tlian mo-
dern, who seldom improve higher than cuffing and
kicking.

19 (o) Bonum is such a kind of animal as onr modem
Virtuosi from Don Quixote ■« ill have wiiidiiiills under
•ail to be. The same authors are of opinion, that all
ships are fishes while they are afloat ; but vvhen they
are run on ground, or laid up in the dock, become
ships again.
413 (/>) In a toxvn, &c.] The history of the Cobler
had been attested by persoi.s of good credit, wlio were
upon the place when it was done.

548 (q) Have been exchanged, &c.] The Kniglit was
kept prisoner in Exetfer, and after several exchanges
proposed, but none accepted of, was at last released
tor a barrel of ale, as he oiten used to declare.

678 (?•) Bore a slave u-ith him in his chariot.

Et sibi Consul

Mep'aceat, curru servus portatur eodem.

688 (.y) Hung oxit, &:c.] Tunica Corcinea solebat pri-
die qvam doniicandiim esset, supra pramoriinn pom,
quasi admonifio. eir indicium fulurce pugna;. Lipsius
in laeit. p. 56.

687 (0 Nexi Links, &e.] That the Ronian Empe-
rors were wont to have torches bonie beiort them (by
Oay) in public, appears by Herudian in Feninace^
Lips, in Tacit, p. 16.

879 (u) Vespasian being rfoj/S'rf, &c.] C. Cfesar sue-
censens, pro;4tr curam verrendi^ vtis non adhibii'am,
Luto jussit oppleri congestoper ndlites in prcetextoc sir
num. Sueton. in Vespas. C. 5.

'O PART II. CANTO

140 (w) A Ledger, &c.] The Witch-finder in Suf-
folk, who, in the Presbyterian times, had a commis-
sion to discover witches, of whom (right or wrong^
he caused 60 to be hanged within the compass of one
year ; and, among the I'est, the old minister, who had
been a painful preacher for many years.

159 {x) Did he not Mp the Dutch. &c.] In the be-
ginning of the Civil Wars of Flanders, the common
people of Antwerp in a tumult broke open the cathe-
dral church, to demolish images and shrines, and did
so much mischief in a small time, that Strada writes,
there were several Devils seen very busy among them,
otherwise it had been impossible.

161 (j/) Sing catches, &c.] This Devil at Mascon dc
iivered all his oracles, like his forefathers, in verse,
which he sung to tunes. He made several lampoons
upon the Hugonots, and foretold them many Uiings
which afterwards came to pass ; as may be seen in his
Memoirs written in French.

163 (z) Appeared in divers, &c.] The History of Dr.
Dee and the Devil, published by Mer. Casauborty
Isaac Fil, Prebendary of Canterbury, has a large ac-
count of all those passages, in which the style of the
true and false angels appears to be penned by one and
the same person. The Nun of Loudon, in France, and
all her tricks, have been seen by many persons of
quality of this nation yet living, who have made very-
good observations upon the French book written on
that occasion.

165 (a) Met with, &c.] A Committee of the Long
Parliament, sitting in the KingVhouse at Woodstock-
Parit, were terrified with several apparitions, the par-
ticulars whereof were then the news of the whole na-
tion.

167 (6) At Sarum, &c. J Withers has a long story, in
doggerel, of a soldier in the King's army, who being a
prisoner at Salisbui7,and drinking a health to the

PART II. CANTO III. 191

Devil upon his knees, was carried away by him
through a single pane of glass.

224 (c) Since old Hodge Bacon, &c.] RogeJ' Bacon,
commonly called Friar Bacon, lived in the reign of
our Edward I, and, for some little skill he had in the
mathematics, was by the rabble accoujited a conjurer,
and had the sottish story of the Brazen Head fathered
upon him by the ignorant Monks of those days. /?o-
btrt Gros0ead was Bishop of Lincoln in the reign of
Henry IlT. He was a learned man for those times,
and for that reason suspected by the Clergy to be a
conjurer; for which crime, being degraded by Pope
Innocent IV. and summoned to appear at Rome, he
appealed to the tribunal of Christ; which our lawyers
say is illegal, if not a Praemunire, for offering to sue
in a Foreign Court.

313 (d ) intich Socrates, &c.] Aristophanes, in his
Comedy of the Clouds, brings \n SocrcUes and Chcere-
phon, measuring the leap of a flea from the one's beard
to the other's.

404 (e) IVas raised by hhn, &c.] This Flsk was a
late famous astrologer, who flourished about the time
oi Subtile axvl Face, and was equally celebrated by Ben
Jonson. 0

436 (e) Unless it be, &c.] This experiment was tried
by some Foreign Virtuosi, who planted a piec'e of
ordnance point blank against the Zenith, and having
fired it, the bullet never rebounded back again ; which
made them all conclude that it sticks in the mark:
but Des Cartes was of opinion, that it does but hang
in the air.

477 (/) Js lately 'tivas, &c.] This Sedgxo^ck had
many persons (and some of quality) that believed in
him, and prepared to keep the day of judgment with
him, but were disappointed ; for which the false pro-
phet was afterwards called by the name of Dooms-
day Stdgivick.

609 {g) Tour modern Indian, &c.] This compen-
dious new way of magic is aflirmed by Monsieur
Le Blanc (in his travels) to be used in the East
Indies.

192 HUDIBRAS.

627 (h) Bombastus ke/Jt, &c.] Paracelsus is said to
have kept a small Devil prisoner in the-punnnel of
his swoi-d, which was the reason, perhaps, why he
was so valiant iu his drink. Howwer it was to bet-
ter purpose than Hannibal carried poison in his, to dis-
patch hiniselt, if he should happe.i to be surprized
in any great extremity ; tor the sword would have
done the feat alone much better, and more soldier
like ; and it was below the honour ot so great a com-
mander to go out of the world like a rat.

635 («) Agrippa kept, &c.] Corneliun Agrippa had a
dog that was suspected to be a spirit, for some tricks
he was wo)it to do bejond the capacity of a dog, as it
was thought *, but the author of Ma^ia Aduntica has
taken a great dtal of pains to vindicate both the
doctor and the dog from the aspersion, in which he
has shewn a very great respect and kindness for them
both,

679 {k) As Averrhois. &e.] Averrhois Astronomiam
propter Excentricos contempsit. Phil. Melancthuu in
Eiein. Phil. p. 781.

691 (/) Tlte Median Emperor dreamt his Daughter,
Etc.] Astyagts, King of Media, had this dream of his
daughter Maiidane, and the ii^^erpretatiun from the
Magi ; wiieiefore he married lier tu ii Persian ol'a mean
quality, by whom she had Cjrus, who conquered all
Asia, and translated the Empire n-oia the Medes to
the Persians. Herodot. /. 1. ,

627 (?,*() Wlien Caesar, iyc,'] Fianf aliquando prodigi-
osj, cr longhres Su'is Dffectus, quales occiso Ccesare
Dktaiore cr Antoniano Bella, totiui Anni Padore con-
tinuo. Plin.

701 (n) Augustus, hr,ving, &c.] Divas Augustus
Uvvwn sihi prodidu caheum prapostere idutum, quo die
seditiune Miiiium pvope iiljUctus est. Idem, /. 2.

709 (o) Tlie Uoiiian Senate, ixc.'] Romani L. Crasso
cir C. Mario Coss. Buburie vivo orbem Imtra'jant.

737 (/j) For Anaxagoras, &c.'] Aua.\agovas aj/ir ma-
bat Solem candens Ferru/ti ewt, Cr Pcioponneno majorenn
Ujmrn Habiiacula in se habere, & Colles, & Vallts,

PART n. CANTO III. 193

Fertur dixisse Ccelum omne ex Lapidibus esse com-
positum ; T)amnatus & in exilium pulsus est, quod im-
pie Soleni caiidtntem laminamesse dixisset. Diog. Laert.
in Anaxag. p. 11, 33.

865 (q) TA' Egyptians say, &c.] Egy/Jtii decern-
millia Annorum & amplius, recenseiit ; ix observatum
est in hoc tanto Spatio, bis mutata esse Loca Ortuuin ^
Occasuum Solis, ita ut Sol bis onus sit ubi nunc occidit,
eb* bis descenderit ubi nunc oritur. Phil. Melanct. Lib,

1. Pag. 60.

871 (;•) Some hold the heavens, &c.] Causa cjuare Cce-
lum non cadet {secundum Empedocleni) est velocitas sui
inolus. Comment, in L. 2. Aristot. de Cujlo.

877 is) Plato believed, &c.] Plato Solem & Lutiam
ceteris Planetis inferiores esse putavit. G. Guuniu iu
Cosmog. L. 1. p. 11.

881 (t) The learned Scaliger, ^c."] Copernicus in Li-
bris Revolutionem, deinde Seinholdus,post etiam Stadius
Mathematici nobiles perspicuis Demonstrationibus docue-
runt, solis Apsida Terris esse propiorem, quam Ftulc-
tncei cttate duodecim partibus, i. e. uno (iy triginta terras
temidiametevis. Jo. Bod. Met. Mist. p. 455.

895 (m) Cardan believ\l, &c.] Piaat Cardanus,ab ex-
trema Cauda Malices seu Mojoris Ursce omne magnum
Jmperium pendere. Idem p. 325.

913 {xv) Than th' old Chaldean, &c.] Chaldccij octant
se quadringinta septuaginta Annorum millia in pcricli-
tandis, experiundisque Puervrum Animis possidsset
Cicero.

975 (jt) Like Money, &c.] Druidoe pecuniam mutuo
acdpiebant inposteriore vita reddituri. Patricias, I'om.

2. p. 9.

1001 (y) That paltry story, &c.] There was a notori-
ous ideot (that is here described bj^ the name and cha-
racter of Whachum) who counterfeited a Second Part
of Hudibras, as untowardly as Captain Po, who could
not write himself, and yet made a shift to stand on the
pillory for forging other men's hands, as his fellow
Whachum no doubt desei-A'ed ; in whose abominable?
I

194 HUDIBRAS.

dopfgre! this story of Hudibras and a French mounte-
bank at Brentford fair is as properly described.

1024 (z) That the Vibration, Sec] The device of the
vibration of a Pendulum uas intended to settle a cer-
tain measure of ells and yards, &c. (that should have
its foundation in natuie) all tlie world over : for by
swinging a w eight at the end of a string, and calculat-
ing by the motion of the sun, or any star, how long
the vibration woidd last, in,prapoi-tion to the length of
the string, and weight of the pendulum, they thought
to reduce it back again, and from any part of time
compute the exact length of any string that must ne-
cessarily vibrate into so much space of time ; so that
if a man should ask in China for a quarter of an hour
of satin, or taffata, they would know perfectly what it
meant ; and all mankind learn a new way to measure
things no moi-e by tlie yard, foot, or inch, but by the
hour, quarter, and minute.

1 1 ] 3 (<7) Before the Secular, &c.] A s the Devil is the
Spiritual Prince of Darkness, so is the Constable the
Secular, who governs in the night with as great au-
thority as his colleague, but far more imperiously.

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE
OF

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL.

Ecce itertim Crkpinus.—^

WELL, Sidrophel, tho' tis in vain

To tamper with your orazy biain,

Without trfpaii'iiiig oi your skull

As often as the moon 's Ht full ;

'Tis not aiiiiss, ere y' are giv'n o'er,

To try one desp'ratf rrn d'cine more ;

For where s our cas^ can he no worse,

The desp'rat'st is the wisest course.

Is't possible tliat yon, whose ears

Are of the tribe of Issachar's,

And might (with eqnal reason), either

For merit or extent of leatlicr,

With M'llliam Pryn's, befor<- tliey were

Retrench 'd and crucify'd, compare,

Should yet be deaf against a noise

So roaring as the public voice ?

That speaks your virtues free and loud,

And opt nly in ev"i*y crowd,

As loud as one that sings his part

T' a wheel-barrow, or turnip-cart,

Or your new nick-iiam'd old invention

To cry green bastings with an engine

(As if the vehemence had stunifd.

And torn jour drum-lieads with the sound);

And. 'cause your folly's now no news,

But overgrown, ai;d out of use.

Persuade yourself there's no such matter,

But that 'tis vanish'd out of nature ;

When folly, as it grows in years,

The more extrav agant app ars ;

For who but you could be possest

With so much ignorance, and beast.

196 AN HEROIC AL EPISTLE OF

That neither all men's scoi-u, and hate,

Nor being laugh'd and pointed at,

Nor bray'd so often in a oiortar, 35

Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture ;

But (like a reprobate) what course

Soever's us'd, grow worse and woi-se?

Can no transfusion of the blood.

That makes foojs tattle, do )ou good? " 40

Nor putting pigs t' a bitch lo uui-se.

To turn "em into mungrel curs,

Put you into a way> at least.

To make yourself a better beast .'

Can all your criticjil intrigues, 45

Of trying sound from rotten eggs ;

Your sev'ral new-found remedies

Of curing wounds and scabs in tree's ;

Your arts of fluxing and for claps,

And purging their infected saps ; S6

Recov'riug shankers, crystallines.

And nods and botches in their rinds,

Hd\ e no effect to operate

Upon that duller block, your pate ?

But still it must be lewdly bent SS

To tempt your own due punishment ;

And, liKe your whimsy'd chariots, draw

The boys to course you without law;

As if the art you have so long

Profest, of makmg old dogs young, 60

In you, had virtue to renew

Not oniy youth, but childhood too.

Can you, that understand all books.

By judging only with your looks,

Resolve all problems with your face, €5

As ociiers do with B's and A's ;

Untiddie ail that mankind knows

Wiin solid benaiug oi your brows ;

All arcs and sciences advance,

"With sercwuig of your countenance ; 70

And v^ ith a peueiratiijg eye.

Into th' abstrusett learning pry?

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 197

Know more of any trade by a hint,

Than those that h-^ve been fired up in't ;

And yet liave no art. true or Jalse, 75

To help your ow;: bad naturals ?

But still the more you strive t' appear,

Are found to be the wreteheder ;

For fools are known by looking wise.

As lUf n Hnd woodcocks by their eyes. 80

Hence 'lis that 'cause y' have gain'd o' th' college

A quarter share (at* most) of knowledge,

And brought in none, but spent repute,

Y' sissum a pow'r as absolute

Tojud^e, and r-ensure, and control, 85

As if you were the sole Sir Poll ;

And saucily pretend lo know

More than your dividend comes to :

You'll find tlie.thing will not be done

With i,q:norance and face alone : 90

No, tho' y' have puichas'd to your name

In history so great a fame ;

That now youi; talerit's so well known.

For having all belief out-grown,

That ev'ry strange prodigious tale ' 95

Is ineasur'd by by your German -scale— '

By which the virtuosi try

The magaitude of ev'ry lie,

Cast up to'what it "does amount,

And place the bigg'st to your account. 100

That all those stoi-ies that are laid

Too truly to you, and those made,

Are now still eharg'd upon yoiir'scorej

And lesser autliors nam'd no more.

Alas ! that faculty betrays * 105

Those soonest it designs to raise ;

And all your vain renown will spoil.

As guns o'eroharg'd tlie uiore recoil ;_

Tho' )ie that has but impudence.

To all things, has a fajr pretence ; 110

And put among his wauts but shame.

To all the world may lay.his claim :

198 AN HEROIC AL EPISTLE, &e.

Tho' you have try'd that nothing's bom

With greater ease than public scorn,

That all affronts do still give place 115

To j-our impenetrable face ,

That makes your way through all affairs.

As pigs through hedges creep with theirs :

Yet as 'tis counterfeit, and brass,

You must not think 'twill always pass ; 12©

For all impostors, when they're known,

Are past their labour, and undone ;

And all the best that can befal

An artificial natural,

Is that which mad-men find, as soon 125

As once they're broke loose from the moon ,

And, pi'oof against her influence,

Relapse to e'er so little sense,

To turn stark fools, and subjects fit

For sport of boys, and rabWe-wit; 130

HUDIBRAS.

PART III.

CANTO I.

THE ARGUMENT.

The Knight and Squh-e resolve at once,

The one the other to renounce.

They both approach the Lady's Bower,

The Squire t' inform, tlie Knight to woo her;

She treats them with a masquerade,

By Furies and Hobgoblins matie :

For which the Squire conveys the Knight,

And steals him from himself by night.

'TIS true, no lover has that pow'r

T' enforce a desperate amour,

As he that has two strings to's bow,

And burns for love and money too ;

For then he's brave and resolute,

Disdains to render in his suit,

Has all his dames and raptures double,

And hangs, or drowns, with half the trouble

While those who sillily pursue

The simple dowm-ight way, and true,

Make as unlucky applications.

And steer against the stream their passions.

Some forge their mistresses of stai'»;

And, when the ladies prove averse.

And (a) more untoward to be won,

Thau by Caligula the moon,

Ci-y out upon the stars for doing

111 offices to cross their wooing ;

,/200 HUDIBRAS.

When only by themselves they're hind'red,
For trusting those they made her kiivdred ; 20

And still the harsher and hide-bounder
The damsels prove, become the fonder;
For what mad lover ever dy'd,
To gain a soft and gentle bride ?
Or for a lady tender-hearted, ,25

In purling streams or hemp dt-parted ?
Leap'd headlong int' Elysium,
Thro' th' windows of a dazzling room ?
But for some cross ili-natur'd dame,
The am'rous fly burnt in his flame. 30

This to the Kjijght could be no news,
With all mankind so much in use;
Who therefore took the wiser course,
To make the most of his amours ;
Kiisolv'd to try all sorts of ways, 35

As follows in due time and place.
No sooner was the bloody fight
Between the Wizard and the Knight,
With all th' appurtenances, over,
But he relaps'd again t' a lover : 40

As he was always wont to do,
When h' had discomfited a foe ;
And us'd the only antique (b) philters
Deriv'd from old heroic tilters.

But now, triumphant and victorious, 45

He held th' achievement was too glorious
For such a conqueror to meddle
With petty constable, or beadle ;
Or fly fur refuge to the Hostess

Of th' Inns of Court and Chancery, Justice; 50

Who might, perhaps, reduce his cause
To th' ordeal trial (c) of the laws ;
Where none escape, but such as, branded
With red-hot irons, have past bai'e-handed ;
And, if they cannot read one verse 55

I' th' Psalms, must sing it, and that's worse.
He, therefore, judging it below him
To tempt a shame the devil might owe him,

PART III, CAXTO I. 261

Resolv'd to JeavG the Squire for bail
And inainprize for him to the jai), 60

To answer, with his vessel, all
That might disastrously befal ;
And thought it now the fittest juncture
To give the Lady a rencounter,

T' acquaint her with his exj)edition, 65

And conquest o'er the fierce magician ;
Describe the manner of the fray,
And show the spoils lie brought away;
His blootly scourging aggravate,
The number of the blows, and weight ; <(»

All which might jirobably succeed.
And gain belief h' had done tlie d:-ed:
Which he resolv'd t' enforce, and s^jare
No pawning of his soul to swear;
But, rather than produce his bade, 75

To set his conscience on the rack ;
And in pursuance of his urging
Of articles perform'd, and scourging.
And all things else upon liis part,
Demand deliv'ry of her heart, ' iO

Her goods, and chattejs, aiid good graces,
And person, up to his embraces.
Thought he, The ancient errant kniglits
Won all their Ladies' hearts in fights ;
And cut whole giants into fritters, 85

fo put them into am'rous twitters;
Whose stubborn bowels seorn'd to yield,
Until their gallants were halikili'd :
But when their bones wt-re drubb'd so sore
They durst not woo one combat more, 90

The Ladies' hearts began to melt,
Subdu'd by blows their lovers felt.
So (d) Spanish heroes, with their lances,
At once wouml bulls and Ladies' iiincies
And he acquires the noblest spouse 95

That widows greatest hi rds of cows*
Then what may I expect to do,
Who've queil'd so vast a butlalo ?
12

202 HUDIBRAS.

Meanwhile the Squire was on his way,
The Knight's late orders to obey ; 100

Who sent him for & strong detachment
Of beadles, constables, and watchmen,
T' attack the cunning-man, for plunder
Committed falsely on his lumber;
■\Vhen he, who had so lately sacked i05

The enemj , had done the fact.
Had rifled all his pocks and fobs
Of giipcracks, whims, and jiggumbobs,
"Which he by hook or crook had gather'd,
And for his own inventions father'd: IM

And when they should, at jail-delivery,
Unriddle one another's thievery.
Both might have evidence enough.
To x-ender neither hakcr-proof :
He thought it desperate to tany, 115

And venture to be accessary;
But rather wisely slip his fetters,
And leave them for tlie Kuij^ht, his bette^t
He calfd to mind th' unjust foul play
He would have ofFer'd him that day, 120

To make him curry his own hide,
Which no beast ever did beside,
Without all possible evasion,
But oi" the riding dispensation.

Anil therefore much about the hour 125

The Knight (for i-easons told before)
Resolv'd to lea\e him to the fury
Of Justice, and an unpack'd jury ;
The Squire concurr'd t' abandon him.
And serve him in the self-same trim; 130

T' acquaint the Lad) what h' had done,
And what he meant to carry on ;
What project 'twas he went about,
When Sklrofihel and he ttll out;

His firm and sttdlast resolution, 135

To swear her to an execution;
To pawn his (e) inward ears to marry her,
And bribe the Devil himself to carry her.

PART III. CANTO L 203

In which both dealt, at if they meant

Their Party Saints to represent, 140

Who never fail'd, upon their sharing,

In any prosperous arms-bearing,

To lay themselves out, to supplant

Each other Cousin-German Saint.

But, ere the Knight could do his part, 145

The Squire had got so much the starts

H' had to the Lady done his errand,

And told her all his tricks aibrehand.

Just as he finish'd his report,

The Knight alighted in the court ; IfO

And having ty'd his beast t' a pale.

And taking time for both to stale.

He put his band and beard in order,

The sprucer to accost and board her.

And now began t' approach the door, 155

When she, wh' had spy'd him out before,

Convey'd th' informer out of sight,

And went to entertain the Knight;

With whom encount'riiig, after longees

Of liumble and submissive congees, 150

And all due ceremonies paid,

He stroak'd his beard, and thus he said :

Madam, 1 do, as is my duty,
Honour the shadow of your shoe-tye:
And now am come, to bring your ear 165

A present you'll be glad to hear;
At least I hope so. The tiling's done.
Or may I never see the sun ;
For which I humbly now demand
Performance at your gentle hand; 170

And that you'll please to do your part,
As I have done mine to my smart.

With that he shrugg'd his sturdy back.
As if he felt his shoulders ake.

But she, who well enough knew what 176

(Before he spoke) he would be at.
Pretended not to apprehend
The mystery of what he mean'd ;

-f>* HUDIBRAS.

And therefore wisli'd iiim to expound

His dark expressions, less profound. ISC

Madam, quotii lie, I come to prove
How much I've sufitred for your love,
"NVliieh (like your votary) to win,
I have not spar'd my tatter'd skin ;
And, for those meritorious lashes, 185

To claim your favour and good graces.

Quoth she, I do remember once
1 freed you from ih' enchanted sconce ;
And that you prorais'd, for that favour,
To biiid your back to th' good behaviour, 190

And for my sake and service vow'd
To lay upon't a lieavy load,
And wliat 'tuould bear, C a scruple prove,
As other Knights do oft make love ;
"Which, whether you have done or no, 195

Concei-ns yourself, not me to know ;
But if you have, I shall conft-ss,
Y' are honester than I could guess.

Quoth he, If you suspect my troth,
I cannot prove it but by oath ; 20O

And if you make a question on't,
I'll pawn my soul that I have done *t:
And he that makes his soul his surety,
1 think does give the best secur'ty.

Quoth she, Some say, the soul's secure 205

Against distress and forfeiture;
Is free from action, and exempt
From execution and contempt ;
And to be summon'd to appear

In the other world's illegal here ; 210

And therefore few make any account
Inl' what incumbrances they run 't :
For most men can-y things so even
Between this World, and Hell, and Heaven,
"Without the least offence to either, 215

They freely deal in all together,
And equally abhor to quit
Tins world for both, or both for it :

PART III. CANTO I. 205

And when they pawTi and damn their souls,

They are but pris'ners on paroles. 220

For that (quoth he) 'tis rational,
They may b' accountable in all :
For when theye is that intercourse
Between divine and human pow'rs,
That all that we determine here 225

Commands obedience ev'iy where ;
Wlien penalties may be commuted
For fines or ears, and executed ;
It follows, nothing binds so fast

As souls in pawn, and mortgage past : 230

For oatlis are th' only tests and seals
Of right and wrong;, and true and false;
And there's no other way to try
The doubts of law and justice by.

Quoth she, What is it you would swear ? 235

There's no believing till I hear :
For till tliey're understood, all tales
(Like nonsense) are not true nor false.

Quoth he. When I resolv'd t' obey
What you commanded t' other day, 240

And to pertbrm ray exercise
(As schools are wont) for your fair eyes^
T' avoid all scruples in the case,
I went to do 'c upon the place.

But as the castle is enchanted 245

By Sidrophel the witch, and haunted
With evil spirits, as you know.
Who took my Squire and rae for two ;
Before I'd ha idly time to lay

My weapons by, and disarray, 266

1 heard a formidable noise
Loud as the (/) stentrophonic voice,
That roar'd far off. Dispatch and strip,
I'm ready with th' infernal whip,
That shall divest thy ribs of skin, 255

To expiate thy ling'ring sin.
Th' hast broke perfid.oiiily thy oath,
And not peiforni'd thy plighted tvotli j

206 HUDIBRAS.

But spar'd thy renegade back,

Where tb' hadst so great a prize at stake : 360

Which now the Fates have order'd me

For penance and revenge to flea,

Unh ss thou presently make haste ;

Time is. time was: and there it ceas'd.

With which, tho' startled, I confess, 265

Yet th' horror of the thing was less

Than th' other dismal apprehension

Of interruption or prevention ;

And therefore, snatching up the rod,

I laid upon my i)ack a load ; 270

Resolv'd to spare no flesh and blood,

To make my word and honour good ;

Till tir'd, and taking truce at length.

For new recruits of breath and strength,

I felt the blows still ply'd as fast. 275

As if th" had been by {g) lovers plac'd,

In raptures of platonic lashing,

And chaste contemplative bardashing:

When facing hastily about,

To stand upon my guard and scout, 280

I found th' infernal Cunning-man,

And th' under-witch, his Caliban,

With scourges (like tlie Furies) arm'd,

That on my outwai-d quarters storm'd.

In haste I snatuh'd my weapon up, 285

And gave their hellish rage a stop ;

Caird thrice upon your name, and tell

Courageously on Sidrophel:

Who now transfonu'd himself t' a bear,

Begaii to roar aloud, and tear; 290

When I as furiously press'd on.

My weapon down his tliroat to run.

Laid hold on him, but ue broke loose,

And turu'd hjuiself into a goose,

Dlv'd under water in a pond, 295

To hide himself from being found.

In vain I sought him; but as soon

As I perceiv'd him fled and gone,

PART III. CANTO I. 207

I*repar'«l with equal haste and rage,
His under-sorcerer t' engage ; 300

But bravely scorning to detile
My swonl with feeble blood and vile,
I judg'd it better from a quick-
Set hedge to cut a iinoited stick.
With which I luriously laid on, 305

Till in a harsh and doleful tone
It roar'd, O hoid for pit) , Sir ;
I am too gi-eat a sufferer,
Abus'd, as you have been, b' a witch,
But coujor'd int' a worse caprich ; 310

Who sends me out on many a jaunt,
Old houses in the night to haunt,
For opportunities t' improve
Designs of thievery or love ;

Witii drugs couvey'd in drink or meat, 315

All feats of witches counterfeit ;
Kill pigs and geese with powder'd glass,
And make it for enchiintment pass;
With cow-itch meazel like a leper,
And choak with fumes of Guiney-pepper; 320

Make lechers and their punks with dewtry
Commit fantastical auvowtry;
Bewitch (/.-J Hermetic-men to run
Stark staring mad witii mauicon ;
Believe mtchaiiic virtuosi 325

Can raise them mountains in (i) Potosi ;
And sillier than the antique lools,
Take treasure for a heap oi coals;
Seek out for planu with signatures,
To quack of universal cures ; 330

With figures ground on panes of glass,
MaKe people on their beads to pass;
And mighty heaps of coin increase,
Reflected from a single piece ;

To draw in fools, whose natural itches S3S

Incline perpetually to \v itches^;
And keep me in continual tears,
And danger of my ueck and ears ;

ii08 mJDIBRAS.

When less delinquents have been scourg'd,

And hemp on wooden anvils forg'd, 340

Which others i'ov cravats ha\e worn

About their necks and took a tuni.

I pity'd the sad punishment
The wretch'd caitiff underwent,
And held my drubbing of his bones 345

Too great an honour for pultrones ;
For knidits are bound to feel no blows
From paltry and unequal foes,
"Who, when they slash, and cut to pieces,
Do all with ci vilest addresses: 350

Their horses never give a blow.
But wlu n they make a leg and bow.
I tlierefore spar'd his flesh, and press'd him
About the witch with many a question.

Quotli he, For many years he di-ove 355

A kind of broking trade in love ;
Employ'd in all th' intiigaes and trust
Of feeljle, speculative lust ;
Procurer to th' extravagancy

And crazy ribaldry of ianc^', 360

By those the devil had forsook,
As things below him to provoke :
But b'ing a virtuoso, able
To smatter, quack, and cant, and dabble,
He held his talent most adroit 365

For any mystical exploit ;
As others of his tribe had done.
And rais'd their prices three to one :
For one predicting pimp has th' odds
Olelialdrons of plain dowiiriglit bawds. 370

But as an elf (the devil's valet)
Is not so slight a thing to get;
For those that do his bus'ness best,
In htll are us'd the ruggedest;

Before so meriting a person 375

Could get a grant, but in reversion,
He sei v'd two prenticesliips, and longer,
1' th' myst'iy of a !ady-nionger.

PART III. CANTO I. 209

k

For (as some write) a witch's erhost,

As soon as from the boily loos'd, 38©

Becomes a puny imp itself.

And is another witch'Sf elf.

He, after searching far ami near,

At length found one in Lancashire,

With whom he bargain'd hefore-hand, 385

And, after hanging, entertainM.

Since which, h' has play'd a thousand feats,

And praetis'd all mechanic cheats :

Transform'd himself to th' ugly shapes

Of wolves, and bears, baboons, and apes; 390

Which he has vary'd more than witches.

Or Pharaoh's wizards could their switches,

And all with whom h' has had to do,

Turn'd to as monstrous figures too.

■Witness myself, whom h' has abus'd, 395

And to this beastly shape redue'd,

By feeding me on beans and pease,

He crams in nasty crevices,

And turns to comfits by his arts,

To make me relish for desserts, 400

And one by one with sliani! : and fear

Lick up the candy'd provender.

Beside But as h' was running on,

To tell what other feats h' had done,

The lady stopt bis full career, 40o

And told him now 'twas time to hear :

If half those things (said she) be true—

They're all (quoth he), I swear by you :—

Why then (said she) that Sidrophel

Has damn'd himself to th' pit of hell ; 410

Who, mounted on a broom, the nag

And hackney of a Lapland hag,

In quest of you came hither post.

Within an hour (I'm sure) at most;

Who told me all you swear and say, 415

Quite contrai-j' another way ;

Vow'd that you came to him, to know

If you should caiTy me or no ;

210 HUDIBRAS.

And would have hir'd him and Ids imps,

To be your match-makers and pimps, 420

T' engage the devil on your side,

And steal (like Proserpine) your bride.

But he, disdaining to embrace

So filthy a design, and base.

You fell to vapouring and huffing, 425

And drew upon him lil^e a ruffian ;

Surpriz'd him meanly, unprepared,

Before h' had time to mount his guard;

And left him dead upon the ground,

With many a bruise and desp'rate wound : 4 30

Swore you had broke, and robb'd his house,

And stole his talismanic louse.

And all his new-found old inventions,

With flat felonious intentions,

Which he could bring out, where he had, 435

And what lie bought them for, and paid ;

His flea, his morpion, and punese,

H' had gotten for his proper ease,

And all in perfect minutes made,

By th' ablest artist of the trade ; 440

Which (he could prove it) since he lost,

He has been eaten up almost ;

And altogether might amount

To many hundreds on account :

For which h' had got sufl[icient warrant 445

To seize the malefactors errant,

AVjthout capacity of bail,

But of a cart's or horse's tail ;

And did not doubt to bring the wretches,

To serve for pendulums to watches ;

Which, modern virtuosos say.

Incline to hanging ev'ry way.

Beside he swore, and swore 'twas true,

That ere he went in quest of you,

He set a figure to discover

If you were fled to Rye or Dover ; '

And foujid it clear, that, to betray

Yourselves and me, you fled this ^^ ay ;

PART m. CANTO L 211

And tliat he was upon pursuit,

To take you somewhere hereabout. 46©

He vow'd he had intelligence

or all that pass'd before and since;

And ibund, that ere you came to him,

Y' had been engaging life and limb,

About a case of tender conscience, 465

"Where both abounded in your own sense ;

Till Ralpho, by his light and grace,

Had clear'd all scruples in the case ;

And prov'd that you might sweat and own

Whatever's by the wicked done ; 470

For which, most bastly to requite

The service of Iiis gifts and light,

Tou strove t' obligt him, by main force.

To scourge his ribs instead of yours ;

But that he stood upon his guard, 475

And all your vapouring out-dar'd ;

For which, between you both, the feat

Has never been perforni'd as yet.

While thus the lady talk'd, the Knight
Turn'd th' outside of his eyes to white 480

(As men of inward light are wont
To turn their optics in upon't).
He wonder'd how she came to know
What he had done, and meant to do ;
Held up his affidavit-hand, 485

As if h' had been to be arraign'd ;
Cast towards the door a ghastly look,
In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke:

Madam, if but one word be true
Of all the wizard has told you, iJO

Or but one single circumstance
In all th ■ apocrjphal romance ;
^lay dreadful earthquakes swallow down
This vessel, that is all your own ;
Or may the heavens fall, and cover 495

These reliques of your constant lover*

You have provided well, quoth sh»,
(I thank you) for yoiu'self and me j

212 HUDIBRAS.

And shown your presbyteiian wits

Jump punctual with the Jesuits' ; 500

A most couiptndious way, and civil,

At once to cheat the world, the devil,

And heav'n and liell, yourselves, and those

On whom you viinly think t' impose.

Why then (quoth he) may htll surprise — 505

That trick (said she) will not pass twice:

I've l.aru'd how far I'm to believe

Your pinnmg oaths upon your sleeve.

But th' rtr's a better way of cicarii.'g

What }ou would prove, than downright swearing; 510

For if you have perform d the feat,

The blows are visible as yet,

Enough to serve for satisfaction

Of nicest scruples in the action.

And if you can produce those knobs, 515

Altho' th' are but ihe witch's drubs,

ril pass them all upon account.

As if your nat'ral self had done 't ;

Provided that they pass tli' opinion

Of able juries of old women ; 520

Who, us'd to judge all matter of facts

For bellies, may do so for backs.

Madam (quotli ho), your love's a million;
To do. is less than to be willing.

As I am, were it in my power, 525

T' obey, what jou command, and more :
But for performing what you bid,
I thank you as much as if I did.
You know I ought to have a care
To keep my wounds from taking air ; 5J0^

For wounds, in those that are all heart,
Are dai'gerous in any part.

1 find (quoth she) my goods and chattels
Are like to prove but mere drawn battles :
For still the longer we contend, 535

We are l)ut farther off tlie end.
But, granting now we should agree,
What is it you expect fr»ra me ?

PART III. CANTO I. 213

Your plighted faith (quoth he) and word

You past ii. heaven on r.cord. 540

Where all contracts, t' have and t' Iiold,

Are ( verlast-ngly - nroli'd :

And it" 'tis counted treason here

To raze records, 'tis much more there.

Quoth she. There are no bargains driv'n, 545

Nor marriages clapt up in heav'n,
And that's the reason, as some guess,
There is no heav'n in marriages ;
Two things that naturally press
Too narrowly, to be at ease. 550

Theii- bus'i.ess there is only love,
Which marriage is not like t' improve :
Love, that's too gen'rous to abide
To be a!;;ain$t its nature ty'd :

For where 'tis of itself inclin'd, 555

It brtaks loose when it is confin'd ;
And like the soul, its harbourer,
Debarr'd the freedom of the air,
Disdains against its will to stay,
But struggles out, and flies away f o80

And therefore never can comply
T' endure the matriraonal tic,
That binds the female and the male,
Where th' one is but the other's bail ;
Like Koman gaolers, when they slejit, 565

Cbain'd to the pi-isoners they kept ;
Of whioh the truf and faithfull'st lover
Gives best si curity to suffer.
Mariiai^e is but a beast, some say,
That carries double in foul way; 570

And therefore 'tis not to b' admir'd
It sho'ild so suddenly be tir'd :
A bargain at a venture made,
Between two partners in a trade ;
fFor what's inferr'd by t' ba^e, and t' hoId» 575

But sometliing past away, and sold ?)
That as it makes but one of two,
Reduces all things else as low ;

214 HUDIBRAS.

And at the best is but a mart

Between the one and tii' other part, 58O

TJiat on the marriage-tlay is paid,

Or hour of death, the bet is iaid;

And all the rest of" better or worse,

Both are but losers out of pui-se.

For when upon their ungot heii-s Si^

Th' entail themselves, and all that's tlieirs,

What blinder bargain e'er was driv'n,

Or wager laid at six and seven ?

To pass themselves away, and turn

Their cliildren's tenants ere they're bom ? 590

Beg one another idiot

I'o guardians, ere they are liegot ;

Or ever sliall, perhaps, by tli' one,

Who's bound to vouch 'em for his own,

Tito' got by implicit generation,

And general clu)» of all tho nation ;

For which she's fortified no less

Than all the island, with four seas ;

Exacts the tribute of her dow'r,

In i-eady insolence and pow'r ; 1

And makes him pass away, to have

And hold, to her, himself, her slave,

(k) Moi-e wretehed tiiau an ancitnt villain,

Condemn'd to drud^erj', and tilling;

WTiile all he does upon the by,

She is not bound to justify,

Nor, at her proper cost and charge.

Maintain the feats he does at large.

Such hideous sots werf* those obedient

Old vassals to their ladies regent ;

To give the cheats the eldest hand

In foul play, by the laws o' th' land ;

For which so many a legal cuckold

Has been run down in courts, and truckled ;

A law that most unjustly yolies

A!I Johns of Stiles to Joans of Xokes,

Without distinction of degree,

Condition, age, or quality :

PART III. CANTO I. 215

Admits no pow'r of revocation,

Nor valuable consideration, 620

Nor writ of error, nor reverse
Of judgment past, for better or worse :
Will not allow the privileges
That beggars challenge imder hedges,
Who, when they're griev'd,can make dead horses 625
Their spiritual judges of divorces;
While nothing else but rem in re
Can set the proudest wretches free ;
A slavery beyond enduring,

But that 'tis of their own pi-ocuring. 63^

As spiders never seek the fly,
But leave him, of himself, t' apply ;
So men are by themselves employ'd
To quit the freedom they enjoy'd.
And run their necks into a noose, 635

They'd break 'em after, to break loose.
As some, whom death would not depart,
Have done the feat themselves, by art :
Like (/) Indian widows, gone to bed
In flaming curtains to the dead ; 640

And men as often dangled for't,
And yet will never leave the sport.
Nor do the ladies want excuse
For all the stratagems they use.
To gain th' advantage of the set, 645

And lurch the ari'rous rook and cheat :
For as the {m) Pythagorean soul
Runs through all beasts, and fish, and fowl,
Aiul has a smack of ev'iy one ;

So love does, and has ever done ; 650

And therefore, iho' "tis ne'er so fond,
Takes strangely to the vagabond.
'Tis but an ague that's reverst,
M'hose hot fit takes the patient firs^,
That after burns with cold as much 655

As ir'n in Greenland does the touch ;
Melts in the furnace oC desire,
X-ike glass, that's but the ice of fire ;

216 .HUDIBRAS.

And when his heat of fancy's over,

Becomes as h^rd and frail a lover.

For when he's wiih iove-powder laden,

And pnm'd and cock'd by Miss, or Madam,

The s.nallest sparkle of an eye

Gives fire to his arttliery;

And off the loiid oaths go, but while

They're in the very act. rt«oil.

Hence 'tis, so few dare take tlieir chance,

Without a sep'rate tnainu>nance ;

And widows, who have try'd one lover,

Trust none again, till th' have made over:

Or if they do, before they mairj'.

The foxes weigh the geese they carry ;

And. ere they venture o'er a stream,
Know how to size themselves, and them ;
M'^henee witti'st ladies always choose
To un<lertakc the heaviest goose :
For now the world is grown so wary,
That few of either sex dare marry.
But rather trust on tick t' amours,
The cross and pile for bett"r or worse :
A mode that is lield honourable.
As well as French, and fashionable :
For when it falls out for the best,
"Where both are incommoded least,
In soul and body to unite.
To make up one hermaphrodite :
Still amorous, and fond, and billing,
Like Vhiliji antl Mary on a shilling,
Th' have more punctilios and capriches
Between the petticoat aud breeches,
More petulant extravagances,
Than poets make 'em in romances ;
Tho' when their heroes "spouse the dames,
We hear no more of charms aud flames:
For then their late attracts decline.
And turn as eager as prick'd wine;
And all tlieir caterwauling tricks,
In eai'uest to as Jealous piques:

PART III. CANTO I. '217

Wliich Ih' ancients wisely signify'd

By th' yellow mantuas of the bride : 700

For jealousy is but a kind

Of clap and grincam of the mind,

The natural eft'ects of love,

As other flames and aches prove :

But all the mischief is, the doubt .705

On whose account they first broke out.

For tho' (n) Chineses go to bed.

And lie in, in their ladies' stead,

And, for the pains they took before,

Are nurs'd and pamper'd to do more ; 710

Our green-men do it worse, when th' hap

To fall in labour of a clap ;

Both lay the child to one another :

But who's the father, who the mother,

'Tis hard to say in multitudes, 71B

Or who imported the French goods.

But health and sickness b'ing all one.

Which both engag'd before to own.

And are not with their bodies bound

To worship, only when they're sound, 720

Both give and take their equal shares

Of all they suffer by false wares :

A fate no lover can divert

With all his caution, wit, and art.

For 'tis in vain to think to guess 725

At women by appearances,

That paint and patch their imperfections

Of intellectual complexions.

And daub their tempers o'er with washes

As artificial as their faces ; 730

Wear under vizard-masks their talents

And mother-wits before their gallants,

Until their hamper'd in the noose.

Too fast to dream of breaking loose ;

When all the flaws they strove to hide 735

Are made unready, with the bride.
That with her wedding-clothes undresses
Jler complaisance and gentilesses :
K

318 IIUDIBRAS.

Tries all her aits, to take upon her

The government, f'lom tb' easy owner;

Until tlie wretch is glad to wave

His lawful right, and tirn li< r slave ;

Find all his having and his holding

iledut'd t' eternal noise and scolding;

The conjugal petard, that tears

Duwn all portcuUisses of ears,

And maLes the volley of one tongue

i'or all tin ir leathern shields too strong.

■\Vhen, only arm'd with noise and nails,

The female silk-worms ride the males,

(n) Transform Vm into rams and goats.

Like Syrens with their eharming notes,

Sweet as a screech-owl's serenade.

Or those enchanting murmurs made

By th' husband {p) mandrake, and the wife, 755

Both bury'd (like themselves) alive.

Quoth he, These reasons are but strains
Of wanton, over-hoated brains,
^Vhich ralliers, in their wit, or drink,
Do rather wheedle with than think. ToO

Man was rot man ;n pai'adise,
Until he was created twice,
And had his belter half, his bride,
Carv'd from th' original, his side,
T' amend his natural defects, 765

And perfect his recruited sex ;
Enlaige his breed at once, and lesseo
The i);.ins and labour o- increasing,
By cii .ngi.ig them for other cares.
As by his dry'dtip p:ips appears ; 770

His body, that stupendous frame,
Of all the world the anagram,
Is of two equal parts compact.
In shape and symmetry exact,

Of which the left and ft- male side 7*'''

Is tn the manly right a bride ;
Bot^ jnin'd together ^vith such art,
I'hat nothing else but death caa part.

PART fill. CANTO I. 210

Those heav'nly atti-acts of yours, your eyes,

And face, that all tht^ world suri»iize, 780

That dazzle all tliaf look upon ye,

And scorch a!l oth< r lat'ies tawny ;

Thos. ravishing and charming graces

Are all made up of two half faces,

That in a luathtraatic line, 785

Like those in Dther heavens, join ;

Of which, if either grew alone,

'Twould fright as much to look upon ;

And so with that sweet bud, your lip, 790

Without the other's fellowship.

Our noblest senses act by pairs,

Two eyes to see, to hear two ears ;

Th' intelligencers of the mind,

To wait upon the soul dt-sign'd :

But those that serve the body alone, 795

Are single, and confin'd to one.

The Uj) world is but two parts, that meet

And close at th' equinoctial fit ;

And so are all the works of nature,

Stamp'd with her signature on matter: 800

Which all her creatures, to a It af,

Or small'rst blade of grass, receive.

All which sufficiently declare

How '.'tjrely marriage is her care.

The only metliod that she uses, 805

In all the wonders she produces ;

And those that take their rules from her,

Can never be deceiv'd, nor err.

For what secures tht- civil life

But pawns of children, and a wife ? 810

That lie, like hostages, at stake

To pay for all men undertake ;

To whom it is as necessary,

As to be born and breathe, to marry ;

So universal, all mankind SIS

In nothing else is of one mind.

For in what stupid age or nation

Was marriage ever out of fashion ?

2-20 HUDIBRAS.

Unless among the (r) Amazons,

Or cloister'd friars and vestal nuns; 820

Or Stoics, who, to bar the freaks

And loose excesses of the sex,

Prepost'rously would have all women

Turn'd up to all the world in common.

Tho' men would find such mortal feuds, 825

In sharing of their public goods,

'Twould put them to more charge of lives,

Than they're supply'd with now, by wives;

Until they graze, and wear their clothes,

As beasts do, of their native growths : 830

For simple wearing of their horns

Will not suffice to serve tlieir turns.

For what can we pretend t' inherit.

Unless the marriage-deed will bear it .'

Could claim no right to lands or rents, 835

But for our parents' settlements ;

Had been but younger sons o' th' earth,

Debarr'd it all, but for our birth.

What honours or estates of peers,

Could be preserv'd, but by their heirs ? $40,

And what security maintains

Their right and title, but the banns ?

What crowns could be hereditarj',

If greatest monarchs did not marrj-,

And with their consorts consummate 845

Their weightiest interests of state ?

For all th' amours of princes are

But guarantees of peace or war.

Or what but marriage has a charnv,

The rage of empires to disai-m? 850

Make blood and desolation cease.

And fire and swoi-d unite in peace,

When all their fierce contests for forage

Conclude in articles o'' marriaaf*' ?

Nor does the genial bed pi-ovide ^SS

Less for the int'rests of the bride ;

Who else had not the least pretence

f ' as much as due benevolence;

PART in. CANTO L 221

Could no more title take upon her

To virtue, quality, and honour, 860

Than ladies-errant, unconfin'd,

And feme-coverts to all mankind.

All women v'ould be of one piece,

The virtuous matron, and the miss ;

The nymphs of chaste Cs) Diana's train, 865

The same with those in (f) Lewkner^s Lane,

But for the difference marriage makes

'Twixt wives, and ladies of the lakes ;

Besides the joys of place and birth,

The sex's paradise on earth ; 87Q

A privilege so sacred held,

That none will to their mothers yield ;

But, rather than not go before,

Abandon Heaven at the door.

And if th' indulgent law allows 875

A greater freedom to the spouse,

The («) reason is, because the wife

Runs greater hazards of her life;

Is trusted with the form and matter

Of all mankind, by careful nature, 880

Where man brings nothing but the stuff

She frames the wondrous fabric of :

Who therefore, in a strait, may freely

Demand the clergy of her belly.

And make it save her the same way, 885

It seldom misses to betray ;

Unless both parties wisely enter

Into the liturgy indenture.

And tho' some fits of small contest

Sometimes fall out among the best ; S9C

That is no more than ev'ry lover

Does from his Iiackney-lady suffer ;

That makes no breach of faith and love,

But rather (sometimes) serves t' improve.

For, as in running, ev'ry pace 8&i

Is but between two legs a race.

In which both do their uttermost

To get before and win the post ;

225 HUDIBRAS.

Yet when they're at their race's ends,

Tbt-yVe still as kind and constant friends, «Ofl

And, to rt-lie^e tlieir weariness,

By turns give one anothireasi- ;

So all those false alarms of strife

Between the husband and the wife,

And little quarrels, ofti n prove 905

To be but new n emits of love;

When tliose wh' are alw .ys kind or coy.

In time must either tire or cloy.

Nor are their ioiidi-st clamours more,

Than as they're relish'd, sweet or sour ; 916

Like music, that proves bad or good,

According as 'tis understood.

In all aniours, a lover tiuriis

With frowns as well as smiles by turns;

And hearts have been as oft with sullen 914

As charming looks surpriz'd and stolen.

Then why sIiOmW iriore bewltcliiag clamour

Some lovers not as much enamour ?

For distoixls make the sweetest airs.

And curses are a kind ot'pra)'rs; 930

Too slight alloys for all those grand

Felicities by man-iage gain'd :

For nothing else has pow'r to settle

Th' interests of love perpetual ;

All act and deed, that makes one heart 925

Become another's counterpart,

And passes fines on faith and love,

Enroll'd and r.-gisterd above,

To seal the slippei-y knots of vows,

Which nothing else but death can loose. 930

And what security's too strong.

To guard that gentle heart from wrong.

That to its friend is glad to pass

Itself away, and all it has;

And, like an anchorite, gives over f35

This world for th' heaven of a lover?

I grant (tiuoih she) there are some few
Who take that course, and find it true :

PART III. CANTO I. 2^j

But millions whom the s^ms does sentence

To hf:iv''n b' another way— repentance. 940

Love's aiTows are btit shot at rovers ;

Though all thty hit Uuy turn to lovers ;

And ;ill the weighty consequents

Depend npon more blind events,

Than gatncstc-rs, when they play a set 945

With greatest cunning at piquet,

Put out with caution, but take in

They know not what, unsight, unseen.

For what do lo» ■ rs, when they're fast

In one anoth. r's arras embrac'd, 950

But stiive to piu'ider, and convey

Each other, like a pri/e, away ?

To change the property of selves,

As su'rliing childii :, ar. by < ivea?

And if tho-y use their p, rsons so. 955

What will they to their fortinu's do ?

Their fortunes! the pi rpetual aims

Of all tiieir t xtasies and i'uimes.

For wh n the money's on the book,

And, All my worldly guods— but spoke 060

(The formal livery an.i seisin

That puts a iover in possession)

To that alone the br desroom's wedded ;

The brid a flam that's superseded :

To that tlieir faith is still mad good, 955

And all the oaths to us ti.ey vow'd :

For when we ovic- resign our pow'rs,

W have nothing left we cau cali ours;

Our noney's now become the Miss

Of all your lives and services; 970

And \\>: forsaken, and pustpon-; ;

Bur bnwds to what before v e ow;i'd ;

Which, as it made y' at first gallant us,

So now hires others lo sui)plant us,

Until 'tis all turn'd out of doors 975

(As we had been) for new amours :

For wiiat did ever heiress yet

By being born to lordships got.'

22 i

HUDIBRAS.

When the more lady sh' is of manors,
■She's but expos'd to more ti-epanners,
Pays for their projects and designs,
And for her own destruction fines;
And does but tempt thcni with her riches,
To use htr as the Dev'l does witches j
Who takes it for a special grace
To be their cully for a space,
That, when the time's expir'd, the drazels
For ever may become his vassals :
So she, bewitth'd by rooks and spirits,
Betrays herself, and all sh' inherits;
Is bouglit and sold, like stolen goods,
By pimps, and match-makers, and bawds,
Until they force her to cojivey,
And steal the thief himself away.
These are the everlasting fniits
Of all your passionate love-suits,
Th' effects of all your amorous fancies
To portions aiid inheritances;
Your love-sick rapture, for fruition
Of dowry, jointure, and tuition;
To which you make address and courtship,
And with your bodies strive to worship,
That th' infants' fortunes may partake
Of love too, for the mother's sake.
For these you play at purposes,
And love your loves with A"s and B's:
For these at Beste and L'Ombre woo.
And play for love and money too ;
Strive who shall be the ablest man
At right gallanting of a fan ;
Ar.d who the most geuteeiy bred
At sucking of a vizard-bead;
How best t' accost us in all quarters ;
l' our question-and-coramaud new garters;
And solidly discourse upon
Ail sorts of dresses. Pro and Con.
For there's no mystery nor trade,
But in the art of love is made;

TART III. CANTO I. 225

And when yon have more debts to pay

Than Michaelmas and Lady-Da)', 1020

And no way possible to do't,

But love and oaths, and restless suit,

To us y' apply to pay the scores

Of all your culiy'd, past amours;

Act o'er your flames and darts again, 1025

And charge us with jour wounds and pain;

VVliich others' influences long since

Have charm'd your noses with and shins ;

For which the surgeon is unpaid,

And like to be, without our aid. 1030

Lord ! what an am'rous thing is want !

How debts and mortgages enchant !

What graces must that lady have

That can from executions save !

What charms that can re\ei-se extent, 1035

And null decree and exigent .'

What magical attracts and graces,

That can rrdeem from Scire facias !

From bonds and statutes can discharge,

And from conteiupts of courts enlarge ! 1040

These are the highest excellencies

Of all your true or false pretences:

And you would damn yourselves, and swear

As much t' an hostess dowager,

Grown fat and pursy by retail 10 15

Of pots of beer and bottled ale ;

And find her fitter for your turn ;

For fat is wondrous apt to burn;

Who at your flames would soon take fire,

Reknt. and melt to your desire, 1050

And, like a candle in the soL-ket,

Dissolve her graces int' your pocket.

By this time 'twas grown dark and late,
When they' heard a laiocking at the gate,
Laid on in haste, with such a pow<ier, 3055

The blows grew louder still and louder ;
Which Hudibras, as if th' had been
BestowM as freely on his skin,
K2

22G HUDIBRAS.

Expounding, by his iuwai-d light,

Or ratlier more propht tic fright, 1060

To be tlie Wizard, come to search,

And take him napping in the lurch,

Turn'd pale as ashes or a clout;

Bat why or wherefore is a doubt :

Tor men w ill tremble, and turn paler, 1065

With loo much or too little valour.

His heart laid on, as if it try'd

To force a passage through his side,

Ijnpatit nt (as he vow'd) to wait 'em,

But in a fury to fly at 'em ; 1070

And th( rv fore lieat, and laid about,

To find a cranny to creep out.

But she, w ho saw in what a taking

The Knight was by his furious quaking.

Undaunted cry'd. Courage. Sir Knight ; 1075

Know, I'm resoiv'd to break no rite

Of hospitality t' a stranger ;

But to secure you out of danger,

Will here myself stand sentinel,

To guard this pass 'gainst SidrnpheJ. 1080

Women, you know, do st Idom fail

To make the stoutest men turn tail ; ^

And bravely scorn to turn their backs

Upon the desp'ratest attacks.

At this the Knight grew resolute 1085

As {xv) Ironside and Hordiknute :

His fortitude began to rally.

And out he ciy'd aloud to sally.

But she besought him to convey

His coui-age ratlier out o' th' way, 1090

And lodge in ambush on the floor,

Or fortify 'd behind a door;

That, if the enemj should enter.

He might relieve h< r in th' adventure.

Meanwhile tliey knock'd against the door
As fierce as at the gate before. 1095

Which made the renagado Kniglit
Kelapse again i' his former fright.

PART III. CANTO I. 227

He thought it desperate to stay

Till til' enemy had forcM his way, 1100

But rather post himself, to serve

The Lad}', for a fresh reserve.

His duty was not to dispute,

But what sh' had order'd execute ;

Which he resolv'd in haste t' obey, II05

And therefore stoutly march'd away;

And all h' encoiinter'd fell upon,

Though in the dark, and all alone;

Till fear, that braver feats performs

Than ever courage dar'd in arms, lllO

Had drawn him up before a pass.

To stand upon his guard, and face:

This he courageously invaded.

And having enter'd, barricado'd,

Inscone'd himself as formidable 11J5

As could be underneath a table,

Where he lay down in ambush close,

T' expect ih' arrival of his foes.

Few minutes he had lain perdue,

To guard his desp'rate avenue, 1120

Before he heard a dreadful shout.

As loud as putting to the rout.

With which impatiently alarm 'd.

He fancy'd th' enemy had storm'd,

And, alter ent'ring, Sidrophel 1125

Was fall'n upon the guards pell-mell :

He therefore sent out all his senses,

To bring him in intelligences.

Which vulgars, out of ignorance.

Mistake for falling in a trance ; 1130

But those that trade in geomancy,

Affirm to be the strength of fancy;

In which the (.t) Lapland Magi deal,

And things incredible reveal.

Meanwhile the foe beat up his quarters, 1135

And storjn'd the out-works of his fortress :

And as another, of the same

Degree and party, in arnxs and fame,

228 HUDIBRAS.

That in the same cause had engag'd.

And war with equal conduct wag'd,

By Vf-nt'ring only but to thrust

His head a span beyond iiis post,

B' a gen'ral of the cavaliers

Was dragg'd thro' a window by tlr ears ;

So he was serv'd in his redoubt,

And by the other end pull'd out.

Soon as they had him at their mercy,
They put him to the cudgel fiercely,
As if they scorn'd to trade or barter,
By giving or by taking quarter ;
Tlit-y stoutly on his quarters laid,
Uiuil his scouts came in t' his aid :
For when a man is past his sense,
There's no way to reduce him thence,
But twinging him by tlr ears or nose,
Or laying on of heavy blows ;
And if that will not do the deed,
Jo ((/) burning with hot irons proceed.
Xo soom^r was he come t' himself^
But on his neck a sti;rdy elf
Clapp'd, in a trice, his cloven hoof.
And thus attacked him with reproof:

Mortal, thou art lietray'd to us
li" our friend, thy Evil Genius,
V.Hio, for thy horrid perjuries,
Thy breach of faith, and turning lies,
Ihe Brethren's privilege (against
riie wicktd), on themselves, tlie Saints,
lias here thy wretched carcase sent
lor just revenge and punishment;
\Vhich thou hast now no way to lessen,
But by an open, free confession ;
For if ^\ e catch ihee failing once,
'Twill fall the heaner on thy bones.

What made thee venture to betray.
And iikh the Lady's heart away,
To spirit her to matrimony ?—
'Ihat which contracts all matches, money.

PART III. CANTO I. 229

It was til' enchautment of her riclies

That made m' apply l' your croney witches, 1180

That, in return, would pay th' expense,

The wear-and-tear of conscience ;

Which I could have patch'd up, and turn'd

For th' hundredth part of what I eam'd.

Didst thou not love her tlien ? Speak true.— 1185
No more (quoth he) than I love you.—
How would'st th' have us'd her, and her money ?—
First turn'd her up to alimony ;
And laid her dowry out in law,

To null her jointure with a flaw, 1190

Wliich I before-hand had agreed,
T' have put, on purpose, in the deed ;
And bar her widow's making over
T' a friend in trust, or private lover.

What made thee pick and chute her out, 1195

T' employ their soi'ceries about ?—
That which makes gamesters play with those
Who have least wit, and most to lose.

But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus,
As thou hast damn'd thyself to us .' 1200

I see you take me for an ass :
'Tis true, I thought the trick would pass
Upon a woman well enough,
As 't has been often found by proof,
V/hose humours are not to be won, 12C5

But when they are impos'd upon.
For love approves of all thej' do
That stand for candidates, and woo.

Why didit thou forge those shameful iics
Of bears and witches in disguise ? 1210

That is no more than authors give
The raljble credit to believe ;
A trick of following tlieir leaders,
To entertain tlieir gentle readers :
And we have now no other way I2I5

Oi' passing all we do or say ;
Which, whvn 'tis natural and true,
^ViU be believ'd b' a very few,

230 HUDIBRAS.

Beside the clanger of offence.

The fatal enemy of sense. 1220^

Why didst thou chuse that cursed sin,
Hypoci-isy. to set np in ?

Because it is the thriving'st calling,
The only saints-be II that rings all in ;
In which all churches are concern'd, 1225

And is the easiest to be learn'd:
For no degrees, unless th' employ't,
Can ever gain much, or enjoy't :
A gift, that is not only able

To domineer among the rabble, 1230

But by the laws impower'd to rout.
And awe the greatest that stand out ;
Which few hold forth against, for fear
Their hands should slip, and come too near ;
For no sin else among the saints 1235

Is taught so tenderly against.

What made thee break thy plighted vows?—
That which makes others break a house,
And hang, and scorn ye all, before
Endure the plague of being poor. 1240

Quoth he, I see you have more tricks
Than all our doating politics.
That are grown old, and out of fashion,
Compar'd with your new reformation ;
That we must come to school to you, 1245

To Karn your more refiu'd, and new.

Quoth he, If you will give me leave
To tell you what I now perceive,
You'll find yourself an arrant chouse,
If y' were but at a meeting-house. 1250

'Tis true, quoth lie, we ne'er come there,
Because, w' have let 'em out by th' year.

Truly, quoth he, you can't imagine
What wondrous thuigs they will engage in :
That as your fellow-fiends in hell 1255

Were angels all before they fell ;
So are you like to be again
Cbmpard with th' angels of us mfen.

PART III. CANTO I. 231

t^upth he, I am resolv'd to be
IPtty scholar, in this mystery ; 1260

And therefore first desire to know
Some principles, on which you go.

What makes a knave a child of God,
And one of us ?— A livelihood.—
What renders beating out of brains, 1265

And murther, godliness ?— Great gains.

What's tendt r conscience ? — ' Tis a botch
That will not bear the gentlest touch ;
But, br> aking out, dispatches more
Than th' tpidemical'st plague-sore. -1270

What makes y' encroach upon our trade,
And damn all others ?— To be paid.

What's orthodox and true believing
Against a conscience ? — A good living.

What makes rebelling against Kings 1275

A good old cause ? — Administ'rings.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear ?—
About two hundred pounds a year.

And that which was prov'd true before
Prove false again ?— Two hundred more. 1230

What makes the breaking of all oaths
A holy dutj' ?— Food and clothes.

What laws and freedom, persecution ?—
B'mg out of pow'r, and contributicMi.

What makes a chui'ch a den of thieves? — 1285
A dean and chapter, and white sleeves.

And what would serve, if those were gone,
To make it orthodox ?— Our own.

What makes morality a crime
The most notorious of the time ; 1390

Morality, which both the saints,
And wicked too, cry out against? —
'Cause grace and virtue are within
Prohibited degrees of kin ;

And thei-efore no true saint allows 1295

They shall be sufFer'd to espouse :
For saints can need no conscience)
That with morality dispense ;

232 HUDIBRAS.

As virtue's impious, wl)en 'tis rootetl

In nature only, and not imputed: 1300

But why the wicked should do so,

We neither know, nor care to do.

What's liberty of conscience,
I' ih" natural and genuine sense ?—
'Tis to restore, with more security, ]305

Rt hellion to its ancient purity ;
And Cln-istian liberty i-educe
To th" elder practice oithe Jews :
For i large conscience is all one,
And signifies tht same with none. 1310

It is enough (quoth he) for once,
And has reprieved thy forfeit bones :
Nick Maclnavel liad ne'er a trick
(Thougli he gave 's name to our Old Nick)
But was below the least of these, 1315

That pass i' th' world for Iioliness.

This said, the furies, and the light,
In th' instant vanished out of sight ;
And left him in the dark alone,
With stinlis of brimstone, and his own. 1320

The (s) Queen of Night, whose large command
Rules ail the sea, and halt the land,
And over moist and crazy brains,
In high spring-tides, at midnight reigns,
Was now declining to the west, 1325

To go to bed, and take ht-r rest ;
When Hudibras, whose stubborn blows
Deny'd his bones that soft repose.
Lay still, expecting worse and more,
Streich"'d out at length upon the floor : 1330

And. tho' he shut his eyes as fast
As if b' had been to sleep his last ;
Saw all the shapes, that fear or wizards
Do make the devil wear for Wizards ;
And, pricking up bis ears, to hark 1335

If he couid hear too ia the dark ;
Was first invaded with a groan,
And after) in a feeble tone,

PART III. CANTO I. 253

These trembling words, Unhappy wretch !

What hast thou gotten hy this fetch; 1340

Or all thy tricks, in this new trade,

Tby holy brotherhood o' th' blade ?

By saunt'ring still on some adventure,

And growing to thy horse a (a) ceniaur?

To stuff thy skin with swellinuf knobs 1345

Of cruel and hard-wooded drubs?

For still th' hast had the worst on't yet,

As well in conquest, as defeat :

Night is the Subbath of mankind,

I'o rest the body and the mind ; 1350

Which now thou art deny'd to keep,

Aatl cure thy laboiir'd corpse with sleep.

The knight, who heard the words, explain'd,
As meant to him, this re-primand,
Because the chai-acter did hit ISS'S

Point-blank upon his case so fit ;
Believ'd it was some drolling spright
That staid upon the guard that night,
And one of those h' had seen, and felt
The drubs he had so freely dealt ; 1360

When, after a short pause and groan.
The doleful spirit thus went on :

This 'tis t' engage with dogs and bears,
Pell-mell together, by the ears.

And after painful bangs and knocks, 1365

To lie in limbo, in the stocks;
And, from the pinnacle of glory.
Fall headlong into pui-gatory ;—

(Thought he, This devil's full of malice,
That on my late disasters rallies ;)— 1370

Condemn'd to whipping, but declin'd itj
By being more heroic-minded ;
And at a riding handled worse,
With treats more slovenly and coarse ;
Engag'd with fiends in stuljborn wars, 1375

And hot disputes with conjureis;
And, when th' hadst bravely won the day,
Wast fain to steal thyself away ;—

234 HUDIBRAS.

(I see, thought he, this shameful elf
"Would fain steal me too from myself 1

That impudently dares to own
What I have sutter'd for and done ;)—
And now but vt nt'ring to betray,
Hast mi t with vengeance the same way.

Thought he, How dof s the devil know 1

What 'twas tliat 1 design'd to do ?
His office of intelligence.
His oracU s, are ceas'd long since ;
And h' knows nothing of thi saints,
But what soon' treach'rous spy acquaints. 1

This is some pettifogging fiend.
Some under door-keeper's friend's friend,
That undertakes to understand,
And juggles at tlie second hand ;
And now would pass for spirit Po, 1

And ail men s dark concerns foreknow.
I think I need not fear him for't;
These rallying devils do no htirt.
With that he rous'd hi; dioopmg heart,
And hastily t-ry'd out, What art ?— 3

A wretch (quoth ht ) whom want of grace
Has brought to this unhappy place.

I do believe thee, quoth the knight,
Thus far, I'm sure, th' art in th. right;
And know what 'tis that troubles thee, 1

Better than thou hast guess'd ot me.
Tho!i art some paltry, fdack-i^uard spright,
Condf mn'd to drudg'ry in the night ;
Thou hast no work to do in th' house,
Nor half-penny to drop in shoes : 14U

Without the rfiising of which sum,
You dare not be so troublesome,
To pinch the slatterns black and blue,
For leaving you their w ork to do.
This is your bi siness. good Pug-Robin, 1

And your diversion, du:l di\ bobbing,
T' e:itice fanatics in tho dirt.
And wash them clean in ditches tbr't.

PART III. CANTO I. QS5

Of which conceit you are so proud,

At tv'iy jest you Iniigh aioud, 1420

As r.ow you would have done by me,

But that I harr'fi your null rj'.

Sir (quoth tht voict), y' ar; jio such (6) Sophi,
As yon vvou'd havs the world judge of ye.
If joii dtsigii to weigh our talents, 1425

I' th' standard of j our own false balance,
Or thini-, it possible to know
Us g-hosis, as Wt^II as we do you ;
\Vi- who have been the everlasting
Comp; ■ lioiis o: your drubs atid Jasting, li30

And never left you ii» contest
With i;a!e or feiuak , man or beast,
But prov'd as true V ye. and entire,
In all nlv ntures as your squire.

Qu'ith h( . Ihat may be said as true 1435

By th' idlest pug of all your crew :
For non. cou'd hi>ve Ijetray'd us worse
Than those allits of ours an-\ jours.
But I have sent hj'ii, for a token.
To your low-counti'y Hogen-Moge.rif 14f0

To whose infernal shores I hope
He'll swing like skippers in a rope:
And, if y' have been more just to me
(As I am apt to think) tlian be,
I am afraid it is as true, 1445

What th' ill-alfecti d say of you ;
Y' have 'spous'd the covenant and cause,
By holding up your cloven paws.

Sir (quoth the voice), 'tis true, 1 grant,
We made and took the covenant ; 145*

But that no more concerns the cause,
Than other perj'ries do the laws,
Which, when th' have prov'd in open court,
Wear (c) wooden peccadillos for't.
And that's the reason covenanters J1455

Hold up their ham's, like rogues at liars,

I see, quoth Hudibras, from whence
These scandals of the saints conoroence^

236 HUDIBRAS.

That are but natural effects

Of Satan^s malice, and his sects, 1460

Those Spider-Saints, that hang by threads

Spun out o' th' entrails of their heads.

Sir (quoth the voice), that may as true
And properly be said of you ;

Whose talents may compare with either, 1465

Or both the other put together :
For, all the Independents do,
Is only what you forc'd them to ;
You, who are not content alone

With tricks to put the devil down, 1470

But must have armies rais'd to back
The gospel- work you undertake :
As if artillery, and edge-tools.
Where th' only engines to save souls ;
While he, poor devil, has no pow'r 1475

By force to run down and devour;
Has ne'er a classis, cannot sentence
To stools, or poundage of repentance ;
Is ty'd up only to design

T* entice, and tempt, and undermine : 1480

In which you all his arts out-do.
And prove yourselves his betters too.
Hence 'tis, (d) possessions do less evil
Than mere temptations of the devil,
Which all the horrid'st actions done 1485'

Are charg'd in courts of law upon ;
Because, unless they help the elf,
He can do little of himself ;
And therefore, where he's best possess'd,
Acts most against his interest ; 1490

Surprizes none but those wh' have priests
To turn him out, and exorcists,
Supply'd with spiritual provision,
And magazines of ammunition ; 4

With crosses, relics, crucifixes, 149J

Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes ;
The tools of working out salvatiolj
By mere mechanic operation ;

I'ART lir. CANTO I. 257

With holy water, like a sluice,

To overflow all avenues : I500

But those wh' are utterly unarm'd

T' oppose his entrance if he storin'4,

He never offers to surprize,

Although his falsest enemies;

But is content to be their drudge, 1505

And on their errands glad to trudge.

For, where are all your forfeitures

Entrusted in safe hands, but ours ?

Who are but jailors of the holes

And dungeons, where you clap up souls ; 1510

Like under-keepers, turn the keys

T' your mittimus anathemas,

And never boggle to restore

The members you deliver o'er.

Upon demand, with fairer justice 1515

Than all jour covenanting trustees ;

Unless, to punish tliem the worse,

You put them in the secular pow'rs, ^ >

And pass their souls, as some demise

The same estate in mortgage twice : 1520

When to a legal (e) utlegation,

You turn your excommunication,

And lor a groat unpaid that's due,

(/■) Distrain on soul and body too.

Thought he, 'Tis no mean part of civil 1525

State prudence to cajole the devil;
And not to handle him too rough.
When h* has us in his cloven hoof.

'Tis true, quoth he, that intercourse
Has pass'd between your friends and ours : 1530

That as you tiust us, in our way.
To raise your members, and to lay,
We send you others of our own,
Denounc'd to hang themselves, or drown;
Dr, frighted with our oratory, 1535

To U ap down headlong many a story ;
•lave us'd all means to propagate
X«ur mighty interests of state,

238 HUDIBRAS.

Laid out our spiritual gifts to further
Your great designs of rage and raurther.
For if the saints arf nani'd from blood,
We onl' have made that title good;
And if it were but in our pow'r.
We sJioiilil not scruple to do more,
And not br half a soul behind
Of all dissenters of ma- kind.

Right, quoth the voice ; and as I scorn
To be ungrateful, in return
Of all those kind good offices,
I'll free you out of this distress,
Anil set you down in safety, where
It is no time to tell you here.
The cock crows, and the mom grows on,
When 'tis decreed I must be gone ;
And if 1 leave you here till day,
You'll find it hard to get away.

With that, the spirit grop'd about,
To find th' inchanted hero out.
And try'd with haste to lift him up;
But Ibund his forlorn hope, his crup,
Unserviceable with kicks and blows,
Received I'rom hanleii'd-hearted foes.
He thought to drag him by the heels.
Like Gresham carts, with legs for wheels;
But fear, that soonest cures those sores,
In danger of relapse to worse.
Came in t' assist hiui with its aid,
And up his sinking vessel wejgh'd.
No sooner was he fit to trudge,
But both made r^-ady to dislodge :
The spirit hors'd him, like a sack,
Upon the vehicle, his back ;
And bore him headlong into th' hall,
With some few rubs against the wall ;
Where finding out the postern loek'd.
And th' avenues as strongly bloek'd,
H' attack'd the window, storra'd the glas?,
And in a moment gain'd the pass ;

PART III. CANTO I. 239

Through which he dragg'd the M'orsted soldiers

Fore-quarters by th' head and shoulders ; 1580

And cautiously began to scout,

To fiml their (ellovv-cattle out;

Nor was it lialf a minute's quest,

Ere he retriev'd the cliaininon's beast,

Ty'd to a pale, instead olrack, iS^s

But ne'er a saddle on his back,

Nor pistols at the saddle-bow,

Convey'il away the Loi*d knows how.

He thought it was no time to stay.

And let the night too steal away; 1590

But in a ti-ice advane'd the knight

Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright.

And groping out for 7?a//jAo'.? jade,

He found the saddle too was stray'd,

And in the place a lump of soap, 1^9^

On which he speedily leap'd up ;

And turning to the gate the rein,

He kick'd and cudgell'd on amain ;

While Hudibras, with equal haste.

On both sidi s laid about as fast, J600

And spurr'd, as Juckies use to break,

Or padders to secure, a neck :

Where kt us leave 'em for a time,

And to their churches turn our rbime ;

To hold forth their declining state, 1605

Which now come near an even rate.

PART III. CANTO II.

THE ARGUMENT.

The Saints engage in fierce contes.ts
About their carnal interests 5
To share their sacrilegious preys,
According to the Kates of Grace;
Their various frenzies to reform,
When Cromwell left them in a storm:
Till in th' effigy of Rumps, the rabble
Burn all their grandees of the Cabal.

THE learned write. An (g) insect breeze
Is but a mnngrel prince of bees,
That falls, before a storm, on cows,
And stings the founders of his house ;
From whose corrupted flesh that breed
Of vermin did at first proceed :
So, ere the storm of war broke out,
Religion spawn'd a various rout
Of petulant capricious sects,
The maggots of corrupted texts,
That first run all religion down,
And, after ev'ry swarm, its own.
P"or as the Persian (A) Magi once
Upon their mothers got their sonjs,
That were isicapable t' enjoy
That empire any other way :
So Presbyter begot the other
Upon the good old Cause, his mother,
Then bore them like the devil's dam,
"Wnjosf son and husband are the same.
And yet no ns^t'ral tie of blood,
>'or iJit'rest for^he common good.

I'ART in. CANTO U. -241

Could, when their profits interfer'd,
Get quarter for each other's btard.
For when they thriv'd, they never fadg'd, 25

But only by the ears eugag'd :
Like dogs that snarl about a bone,
And play together when tliey've none ;
As by their truest ehai'acters,

Their constant actions, plainly' appears. .30

Rebellion now began, for lack
Of zeal and plunder, to grow slack;
The Cause and Covenant to lessen,
And Prov'dence to be out of season ;
For now there was no more to purchase 35

O' th' King's revenue, and the church's ;
But all divided, shar'd, and gone,
That us'd to urge the brethren on ;
Which forc'd the stubborn'st for the cause
To cross the cudgels to the laws, 49

That what by breaking them th' had gain'd,
By their support might be maintain'd ;
Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie,
Secur'd against the hue and cry.
For Presbyter anil Independent 45

Were now turn'd plaintiff and defendant ;
Laid out their apostolic functions
On carnal orders and injunctions ;
And all their precious Gifts and Graces
Qn outlawries and scire facias ; |iO

At (j) Michael's term had many a trial,
Worse than the Dragon and St. Michael,
Where thousands fell, in shape of fees,
Into the bottomless abyss.

For when, like brethren, and like friends, 55

They came to share their dividends,
And ev'ry partjier to possess
His Church and State Joint-Purchases,
In which the ablest Saint, and best,
Was nam'd in trust by all the rest, W

. To pay their money ; and, instead
Of ev'ry brother, pass the deed ;
L

242 HUDIBRAS.

He straight converted all his gifts
'I'o pious i'rauds and holy shifts;
And settled all the other shares
Upon his oiiiwaiil man and's heirs;
Kekl ali they claiin'd as forfeit lands
Deii\er'd up into his hands,
And pass'd upon his conscience,
IJy pr.r entail of Providence;
Impeach'd the rest for reprobates.
That had no titles to estates,
But by their spiritu'l attaints
Degradetl from the right of saints.
This b'ing reveal'd, they now begun
With law and conscience to fall on ;
And laid about as hot and brain-sick
As th' utt;r barrister of (A) Swans wick;
Engaged with mone}'-bags, as bold
As men with sand-bags did of old ;
That brought the lawyers in more fees
Than all unsaiictit'y'd trustees :
Till he who had no more to show
1" th' case, receiv'd the overthrow ;
Or. both sides having had the worst,
They parted as they met at first.

Poor Fvesbyler was now reduc'd,
Secluded, and cashier'd, and chous'd !
lurn'd out, and excommunicate
From all affairs of church and state,
Retorin'd t' a reformado saint,
Aiid glad to turn ilineiant.
To stroll and teach from town to town,
And those he had taught up, teach down..
And make those uses serve again
Against the new enlighten'd men,
As tit as when at first they were
Revcfil'd against tlie cavalier ;
Damn anabaptist and fanatic,
As pat as popish, and prelatic ;
And with as little variation,
To serve for any sect i' th' nation.

PART ni. CANTO II. 243

The good Old Cause, which some- believe

To be the Dtv'l thwl tempted Eve

With knowledge, and does still invite 105

The world to mischief with new light,

Had store of money in her purse,

When he touk her for bett'r or worse ;

But now was grown deform 'd and poor.

And fit to be turn 'd out of door. HO

The Independents (whose first station
Was in the rear oi reformation ;
A mungrel kind of church dragoons.
That served for horse and foot at once ;
And in the saddle of one steed 115

The Saracen and Christian rid ;
Were free of ev'i-y spiritual oixlcr,
To preach, and fight, and pray, and murder)
No sooner got the start to lurch
Both disciplines, of War and Church, 120

And Providence enough to run
The chief commanders of 'em doAvn,
But carried on the war against
The common enemy o' th' saints,
And in a while prevailed so far, 125

To win of them the game of war,
And be at liberty once more
T' attack themselves, as th' had before.

For now there was no foe in arms,
T' unite their factions with alarms, 130

But all rcduc'd and overcome,
Except their worst, thL-mselves at home ;
Wh' had compass'd all they pray'd, and swore,
And fought, and preach'd, and plunder'd for,
Subdu'd the Nation, Church, and State, 135

And all things, but their laws and hate.
But when they came to treat and transact.
And share the spoil of all th' had ransack'd,
To botch up what th' had torn and rent,
Religion and the Government, 140

They met no sooner^ but prepar'd
To pull doAvn all the war had spar'd ;

244 HUDlteRAS.

Agreed in nothing, but t' abolish,'

Subvert, extirpate, and demolish:

For knaves and fools b'ing near of kin, 14$

As (I) Dutch Bonrs are t' a Sooterkin,

Both parties join'd to do their best

To damn the public interest;

And herded onlj- in consults,

To put by one another's bolts ; 150

T' out-cant the (in) Babylonian labourers,

At all their dialects of jabberers,

And tug at both ends of the saw,

To tear down Go»eniment and Law.

For as two cheats, that play one g"ame, 155

Are both defeated of their aim ;

So those who play a game of state,

And only cavil in debate,

Altho' there's nothing lost nor M'on,

The public bus'ness is undone, l60

Which still the longer 'tis in doing.

Becomes the surer way to ruin.

This, when the Royalists perceiv'd
(Who to their faith ;is firmly cleav'd,
And own'd the right they had paid down 165

So dearly for, the Church and Crown},
Th' united constanter, and sided
The moi-e, the more their foes divided.
For tho' outnumber'd, overthrown,
And by the fate of war run down, 170

Their duty never was defeated,
Nor from their oaths and faith retreated :
For loyalty is still the same.
Whether it win or lose the game ;
True as the dial to the sun, 17*

Altho' it be not shin'd upon.
But when these brethren in evil,
Their adversaries, and the Devil,
Began once more to shew them play,
And hopes, at least, to have a day ; ^80

They rally'd in parades of woods,
And unfrequented solitudes,

PART III. CANTO II. 245

Conven'd at midnight in out- houses,

T' appoint new-rising rendezvouses.

And with a pertinacy unmatch'd, 185

For new recruits of danger watch'd.

No sooner wa« one blow diverted,

But up another party started ;

And, as if nature too, in haste

To furnish out supplies as fast, 190

Before her time had tum'd destruction

T' a new and numerous production;

No sooner those wei*e overcome,

But up rose others in their room,

That, like the Christian faith, increast 195

The more, the more they were supprest ;

Whom neither chains, nor transportation,

Prosci-iption, sale, or confiscation,

Nor all the desperate events

Of former try'd experiments, 200

Nor wounds, could terrify, nor mangling,

To leave otF loyalty and dangling ;

Nor death (with all his bones) affright

From vent'ring to maintain the right,

From staking life and forttme down 20i

'Gainst all together, for the Crown ;

But kept the title of their cause

From forfeiture, like claims in laws ;

And prov'd no prosp'rous usurpation

Can ever settle on the nation, 210

Until, in spite of force and treason,

They put their loj'lty in possession;

And by their constancy and faith,

Destroy'd the mighty men of Gath.

Toss'd in a furious (h) hurricane, 215

Did Oliver give up his reign :
And was believ'd, as well by Saints
As mortal men and miscreants.
To founder in the Stygian Ferr)-,
Until he was retriev'd by Sterry, 2S.C

Who in a false erroneous dream
Mistook the New Jerusalem,

246 HUDIBRAS.

Prophanely, for th' apocryphal

(o) False Heaven at the end o' th' Hall;

Whither it was decreed by Fate 225

His precious reliques to tmnslate :

So Romulus was seen before

B' as orthodox a (/») Senator;

From whose divine illumination

He stole the Paj3:an revelation. 230

Next him his {q) Son and Heir Apparent
Succeeded, tho'a lame vicegerent,
Who first laid l)y the parliament,
The only crutch on which he leant;
And then sunk underneath the state, 235

That rode him above horseman's weight.

And now the Saints began their reign.
For which tl»' had j-earn'd so long in vain,
And felt such bowel hankerings,
To see an empire all of Kings, 240

Deliver'd from ih' Egj^ptian awe
Of Justice, Government, and Law,
And free t" erect what Spiritual Cantons
Should be reveal'd, or Gospel Hans-towns,
To edify upon the ruins 245

Of (r) John of Leyden's old out-goings ;
Who, for a weather-cock hung up
Upon their mother cliurch's top,
Was made a type, by Providence,
Of all their revelations since ; 250

And nowfiiltilJ'd by his successors,
Who equally mistook their measures :
For wlien they came to shape the model,
Not one could fit another's noddle ;
But found their Light and Gifts more wide 255

From fadging, than th' unsanctify'd ;
While ev'iy individual brother
Strove hand to fist against another.
And still the maddest, and most crack'd,
Were found the biisiesi to transact : 26©

For tho' most hands dispatch apace,
And make light work (the proverb says) ;

PART III. CANTO 11. 2-4/

Yet many diff'rent intellects

Are found t' have contrary effects;

And many heads t' obstruct intrigues, 265

As slowest insects have most legs.

Some were for setting np a king;
But all the rest for no such thing, ~
Unless King Jesus. Others tamper'd
For F/eefxvood, Deshorough, and Lnmbert ; 270

Some for the rump, and some, more crafty.
For agitators, and the safety ;
Some for the gosjiel, and massacres
Of spiritual affidavit-makers,

That swore to any human rcgence 275

Oaths of supremacy and allegiance.
Yea, though the ablest swearing saint
That vouch'd the bulls o' th' covenant:
Others for pulling down th' high-places
Of synods and provincial classes, 280

That us'd to make such hostile inroids
Upon the saints, like bloody Niinrods :
Sonre fof fulfilling propliecies,
Ai»d tir extirjiatiou of th' excise ;
And some against th' Egyptian bondage 285

Of holy-days, and pitying poundage;
Some for the cutting dowji of groves,
And rectifying bakers' loaves ;
And some for finding out expedients
Against the slavt- ry ot oiiedieiice. 290

Some were for gospel ministers,
And some for red-coat seculars,
As men most fit t' hold I'orth the word,
And wield the one and tli' other sword.
Some were for can-ying on the work 295

Against the Pope, and some the Turk ;
Some for engaging to su|)prtss
The camisado of suipiices,
That gifts and dispensatioiis hinder'd.
And turn"d to th' outward man the inward; 300

More proper for the cloudy niglit
Of popery than gospel light.

2-i8 HUDIBRAS.

Others were for abolishing

That tool of matnmoii}-, a ring;,

With which th' luisatietify'd bridegroom

1^ marry'donly to a thumb

(As wise as ringing- of a pig,
Thct us'd to brtak op ground, and dig;;

The bride to nothing but her wilj,

'I'hat liUils the afttr-maniage still. 310

Some Mere for th* utter extirpation

Of li)isey-\vooIsey in the nation ;

And soru. against all iuolixing

The cross in siiop books, or baptizing :

Oth IS to make ail things recant 3j5^

The christian or surname of saint;

Aid force all churchi s, streets, and towns,

The bo!j- title to renounce.

Some 'gainst a third estate of souls,

And I)ringi»g down the pri'-e of coals : 320

Some for abolishing black-pudding,

Aii.l eiiting nothing witli the blood in ;

To abrugate them roots and branches;

While oth.rs were for eating haunches

Of warriors, and. now and ihen, 325

'i he ilesh of Kings and mighty men ;

And some for breaking of their bones

With rods of ir*n, by secret ones ;

] or thrashing mountains, and with spells

I'or hallowing curriers' packs aiid beils; 330

liiings ilutthe legend never heard of)
Cut made the wicked sore atear'd of.

Ihe quacks of government (who sate
At th' uriregarded helm of state.

Aiid understood this wii<! conrusi(m 3.5i

Of fatal madness and delusion
Miist, sooiior than a prodigy,
I^ortend destruction to be nigh)
vonsider'J timely how i' withdraw,
A:iJ save their wiiul-pipes from the law; 340

For on- rencounur at the bar
Wa> wmse than all th' had 'scap'd in war;

PART III. CANTO II. 249

And therefore met in consultation,

To cant and quack upon the nation ;

Not for tlie sickly patient's sake, 3-45

Nor what to give, but what to take ;

To feel the pulses of their fees,

More Vise than fumbling arteries ;

Prolong the snuff of life in pain,

And ii-om the grave recover— gain. 35O

'Mong these there was a (s) politician
"With more heads than a beast in vision,
And more intrigues in evVy one
Than all the whores of Babylon:
So politic, as if one eye 355

Upon the other were a spy,
That, to trepan the one to think
The other blind, both strove to blink;
And in his dars pragmatic way.

As busy as a child at play. 360

H'had seen tli.ee Governments run down,
And had a hand in ev'ry one;
"Was for 'eui and against 'em all*
But barbarous when they came to fall:
For, by trepanning th' old to ruin, 3^5

He made his intrest with the new one ;
Play'd true and faithful, though against
His conscience, and was still advanc'd.
For by the witchcraft of rebellion
Transform'd t' a feeble state-camelion, . 370-

By giving aim from side to side,
He never fail'd to save his tide,
But got the start of ev"j-y state,
And at a ch^mge ne'er came too late;
Could turn his word, and oath, and faith, 375

As many ways as in a lath;
By turning, wriggle, like a screw,
Int' highest trust, and out, for new
For when h' had happily incurred,
Instead of hemp, to be preferr'd, _ 3?©

And pass'd upon a government,
He play'd his trick, and out he wrcut
L2

250 HUDIBRAS.

But being out, and out of hopes

To mount this ladder (moi-e) of ropes,

Would strive to raise himself upon 3^5

The public ruin and his own :

So little did he understand

The desp'rate feats he took in hand.

For when h' had got himself a name

For fraud and tricks, he s])oird his game ; 590

Had fore'd his neck into a noose,

To shew his play at fast and loose ;

And when he chanc'd t' escape, mistook,

For art and subtlety, his luck.

So right his judgment was cut fit, 39 =

And made a tally to his wit.

And both together most profound

At deeds of darkness under ground :

As th' earth is easiest undermin'd,

By vermin impotent and blind. 400

By all these arts, and many more
H' had practis'd long and much before,
Our state-artificer foresaw
Which way the world began to draw :
For as old sinners have all points 405

O' th' compass in their bones and joints :
Can by their pangs and aches find
All tui-ns and changes oi"the wind,
And better than by (0 Napier^s bones,
Feel in tlieir o^m the age of moons j 410

So guilty sinners in a state,
Can by their crii-.es prognosticate,
And in their consciences feel pain
Some days before a show'r of rain.
He therefore wisely cast about 4 15

All ways he could, t' ensure his throat ;
And hither came t' observe and smoke
"What courses other riskers took ;
And to the utmost do his best
To save himself, and hang the i*est. 420

To match this saint, there w as {u) another.
As busy and perverse a brother,

PART III. CANTO II. 251

A haberdasher of small wares

In politics and state-affairs ;

More Jew than Rabbi Achitophel, 425

And better gifted to rebel t

For when he had taught his tribe to 'spouse

The cause, aloft, upon one house,

He scorn'd to set his own in order,

But try'd another, and went further; 430

So suddenly addicted still

'lo's only principle, his will.

That whatsoe'er it chane'd to prove,

Nor force of argument could move,

Nor law, nor cavalcade of Ho'born, 435

Could render half a grain less stubborn.

For he at any time would hang

For th' opportunity t' harangue ;

And rather on a gibbet dangle,

Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle : 440

In which his parts were so accomplish 'd,

T hat, right or wrong, he ne'er was nun-piust ;

But still his tongue ran on, the less

Of weight it bore, witli greater ease ;

And with its everlasting clack 445

Set all men's ears upon the rack.

No sooner could a hint appear.

But up he started to picqueer.

And made the stoutest yield to mercy.

When he engag'd in controversy ; 450

Not by the force of carnal reason,

But indefatigable teazing;

With vollies of etei-nal b.ibble,

And clamour, more unanswerable.

For tho' his topics, frail and weak, 456

Could ne'er amount above a frcal«,

He still maintain'd 'em, like his faults,

Against the despVatest assaults ;

And back'd their feeble want of sense,

With greater heat and confidence : A^X

As bones of hectors, when they differ.

The more they're cudgel'dj g^vow the stiffer.

^'52 HUDIBRAS.

Yet when his profit modci-ated,

The fury of his heat abated :

For nothing but his interest 465

Could lay his devil of contest :

It was his choice, or eliance, or curse,

T' espouse the cause, for bett'r or worse,

And with his woitlly goods and wit,

And soul and body, worshipped it : 470

But when he found the sullen trapes

Possess'd with th' devil, worms, and claps;

The (u) Trojan mare, in Ibal w ith Greeks,

Not half so full of jadish tricks,

Tho' squeamish in her outwai-d woman, 475

As loose and i-ampant as Dol Common;

He still resolv'd, to mend the matter,

T' adhere and cleave the obstinater ;

And still the skittisher and looser

Her freaks appeard, to sit the closer : 480

For fools are stubborn in their way,

As coins are harden'd by th' allay;

And obstinacy's ne'er so stiff.

As when 'tis in a wrong belief.

These two, with others, being met, 4S5

And close in consultation set ;

After a discontented pause.

And not without sufficient cause,

The orator we nam'd of late,

I-ess troubled with the pangs of state 490

Than with his own imjiatience.

To givt- himself first audience.

After lie had awhile look'd wise,

At last broke silence, and the ice.

Quoth he, There's nothing makes me doubt 495
Oiir last outgoing's brought about,
JVfore than to see tlie characters
Of real jealousies and fears,
Not ieigii'd, as once, but sadly horrid,
Scor'd upon ev'ry member's forehead ; 500

^Vho, 'cause the clouds are drawn together,
And threaten sudden change of weather,

1

PART III. CANTO II. 253

Feel pangs and aches of state-turns,

And revolutions in thtir corns ;

And, since our workings-out are cross'd, 505

Throw up the cause before 'tis lost.

Was it to run away we meant,

When, taking of the covenant,

The lamest cripples of the brothers

Took oaths, to run before all others; 510

But, in their own sense, only swore

To strive to run away before ;

And now would prove, that words and oath

Engage us to renounce them both?

'Tis true, tJie cause is in the lurch 515

Between a right and mungrel church,

The Presbyter and Ijsdependent,

That stickle which shall make an end on't ;

As 'twas made out to us the last

Expedient— (I mean (^r) Marg'ret's fast)— 520

When Providence had been suborn'd.

What answer was to be return'd :

Else, why should tumults friglit us, now

We have so many times gone through.

And understand as well to tame, 525

As, when they serve our turns, t' inflame?

Have prov'd how inconsiderable

Are all engagements of the rabble,

Whose frenzies must be reconcil'd

With drums, and rattles, like a child ; 530

But never prov'd so prosperous,

As when they were led on by us :

For all our scouring of religion

Began with tumults and sedition ;

When hurricanes of fierce comntotion 535

Became strong motives to devotion

(As carnal seamen, in a storm,

Turn pious converts, and reform) ;

When rusty weapons, with chalk'd edges,

Maintnii/d our feeble privileges, 540

And brown-bills, levy'd in the city.

Made bills to pass the grand committee :

254 HUDIBRAS.

When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves,

Gave chase to rochets, and white sleeves,

And made the church, and state, and laws, 545

Submit t' old iron, and the cause.

And as we thriv'd by tumults then,

So miglit we better now again.

If he knew how as then we did,

To use them rightly in our need : 550

Tumults, by which the mutinous

Betray themselves instead of us ;

The hollow-hearted, disaffected,

And close malignant, are detected:

Who lay their lives and fortunes down, 555

For pltdges to secure our own ;

And freely sacrifice their ears

T' appease our jealousies and fears.

And yet for all these providences

W' are ofler'd, if we had our senses, 560

We idly sit like stupid blockheads,

Our hands committed to our pockets,

And nothing but our tongues at large,

To get the wretches a discharge.

Like men coudemu'd to thuuiler-bolts, 56B

Who, tre the blow, become mere dolts ;

Or fools, besotted with their crimes,

That know not how to shift betimes ;

And neither have the hearts to stay,

Nor wit enough to run away ; 570

Who, if he could resolve on either,

Might stand or fall at least together ;

No mean or trivial solaces

To partners in extreme distress.

Who use to lessen their despairs, 5/5

By parting them int' equal shares ;

As if the more they were to bear,

l"hey felt the weight the easier ;

And ev'ry one the gentler hung,

The more he took his turn anwng. 580

But 'tis not come to that, as yet,

If we had coarage left or wit

PART III. CANTO 11. 255

Who, when our fate can be no worse.

Are fitted for the bravest course ;

Have time to rally, and prepare 585

Our last and best defence, dtspair :

Despair, by which the gallant'st feats

Have been achiev'd in greatest straits.

And horrid'st dangers safely wav'd,

By being courageously out-bra v'd: 590

As wounds by wider w ounds are heal'd,

And poisons by themselves expell'd :

And so they might be now again,

If we were, what we should be, men ;

And not so dully desperate, 595

To side against ourselves with Fate :

As criminals condemn'd to suffer,

Are blinded first, and then turn'd over.

This comes of breaking covenants,

And setting up exauns of saints, 600

That fine, like aldermen, for grace,

To be excus'd the efRcace.

For spiritu'l men are too transcendent.

That mount their banks for independent,

To hang like (tj) Mahomet in th' air, 605

Or St. Ignatius at his pray'r,

By pure geometry, and hate

Dependence upon church or state ;

Disdain the pedantry o' th' letter,

Aim! since obedience is better 610

(The scripture says) than sacrifice,

Presume the less on't will suffice ;

And scorn to have the mod'rat'st stints

Presciib'd their peremptory hints,

Or any opinion, true or false, 615

Declar'd as such, in doctrinal s ;

But, left at large to make their best on,

Without b"ing call'd t' account or question ;

Interpret all the spleen reveals,

As IVhittington explain'd the bells ; 620

And bid themselves turn back again

Lord May'rs of New Jerusalem :

256 HUDIBRAS.

But look so big and overgrown,

They scorn their editiers t' own,

Who taught them ai' their sprinkling lessons, 625

Their tones, and sanctify'd expressions;

Bi stow'd their gifts upon a saint.

Like charity, on those that want;

And learnM th' apocryphal bigots

T' inspire themselves with short-hand notes ; 630

For which thty scorn and hate them, worse

Than dogs and cats do sow-gelders.

For who first bred them up to pray,

And teach, the House of Commons' way ?

Where had they all their gifted phrases, 635

But from our Calamys and Cases ?

AVitliout whose sprinkling and sowing,

Who e'er had heard of JUije, or Q-wen ?

Their dispensations had been stitied,

But for our Adoniram Byjkld; 640

And had they not begun the war,

Th' had ne'er been sainted as they are :

For saints, in peace, degenerate,

And dwindle down to reprobate ;

Their zeal corrupts, like standing water, 645

In th' intervals of war and slaughter;

Abates the sharpness of its edge,

Without the pow'r of sacrilege :

And tho' they've tricks to cast their sins,

As easy as {z) serpents do their skins, 650

That in a while grow out again,

In peace they turn mere carnal men,

And from the most refin'd of saints,

As (a) nat'rally grow miscreants.

As barnacles turn solan geese 655

I' th' islands of the Orcades,

Their dispensation's but a ticket,

For thi ir conforming to the wicked ;

Wiih whom the greatest difference

Lies more in woi-ds, and shew, than sense : 660

For as the Pope, that keeps the gate

Of heaven, wears three crowns of state ;

PART III, CANTO II. 257

So he that keeps the g-ate of hell,

Proud (b) Cerberus, wears three heads as well ;

And, iithe world has any troth, 665

Some have been caiioai/'d in buth.

But that which does thein greatest harm,

Their spiritual ^zzards are too warm.

Which puts the over-heated sots

In fevers still, like other goals ; 670

For tho' the whore bends heretics

With flames of fire, like crooked sticks;

Our schismatics so vastly differ,

Th' hotter th' ai-e, they grow the stiffer;

Still setting off their spiritual goods, ^75

With fierce and pertinacious feuds.

For zeal's a dreadful termagant,

That teaeJies saints to tear and rant.

And independents to profess

The doctrine of dependences; 680

Turns meek, and secret, sneaking onef,

To raw heads fierce, and bloody-bones ;

And, not content with endless quarrels

Against the wicked, and iheir morals,

The (t) Gibellines, for want of Guelfs, ■685

Divert their rage upon themselves.

For now the war is not between

The brethren and the men of sin ;

But saint and saint, to spill the blood

Of one another's brotherhood ; 699

Where neither side can lay pretence

To liberty of conscience,

Or zealous suff'ring for the cause,

To gain one gioat's-worth of ajjplause :

For tho' endui- d witJi resolution, 695

'Twill ne'er amount to persecution.

Shall precious saints, and secret ones,

Break one another's outward bones,

And eat the flesh of brethren,

Instead of kings and mighty men ? 700

When fiends agree among themselves,

sliaH they be found the greatest elve^ ?

1

705 1

I

258 HUDIBRAS.

When Bel's at union with the Dragon,

And Baal-Peor friends with Dagon;

When savage bears agree with bears,

Sliail secret ones lug saints by th' ears,

And not atone their fatal wrath.

When common danger threatens both .'

Shall mastiffs, by the collars pull'd,

Engag'd with bulls, let go their hold ? 710

And saints, whose necks are pawn'd at stake,

No notice of the danger take ?

But tho' no pow'r of heav'u or hell

Can pacify fanatic zeal ;

"WHio would not guess there might be hopes 715

The fear of gallowses and ropes

Before their eyes might reconcile

Their animosities awhile ;

At least until th' had a clear stage,

And equal freedom to engage, 720

Without the danger of surprise

By both our common enemies ?

This none but we alone could donl)t,
Who understand their workings-out ;
And know 'em botli in soul and conscience, 725

Giv'n up t' as reprobate a nonsense
As spiritual out-laws, whom the pow'r
Of miracle can ne'er restore.
We, whom at first they set up under.
In revelation only of plunder, 730

Who since have had so many trials
Of their encroaching self-denials,
That look'd upon us with design
To out-reform, and undermine ;

Took all our interests and commands, 7J5

Perfidiously, out of our hands ;
Involv'd us in the guilt of blood,
Without the motive gains allow'd,
And made us serve as ministerial,
Like younger sons of father Belial : 740

And yet, for all th' inhuman wrong
Th' had done us and the cause so long,

PART III. CANTO 11. 259

We never fail'd to carry on

The work still, as we had begun ;

But true and faithfully obey'd, 745

And neither preach'd them hurt, nor pray'd j

Nor troubled them to crop our ears,

Nor hang us like the cavaliers ;

Nor put them to the charge of gaols,

To find us pill'ries, and carts-tails, 750

Or hangman's wages, which the state

Was forc'd (before them) to be at ;

That cut, like tallies, to the stumps,

Our ears, for keeping true accompts, «

And burnt our vessels, like a new 755

SeaI'd peck or bushel, for b'ing true ;

But hand in hand, like faithful brothers,

Held for the cause against all others.

Disdaining equally to yield

One sj'llahie of what we held. 760

And tho' we differed now and then

'Bout outward things, and outward men,

Our inward men, and constant frame

Of spirit, still were near the same ;

And till they first began to cant, 765

And sprinkle down thf covenant,

We ut't r had call in any place.

Nor drfam'd of teaching down free grace ;

But join'd our gifts perpetually

Against the common enemy, 770

Altlto' 'twas our and their opinion,

Each other's chuich was but a Rlmmon :

And jvt, for all this gosiiel-union,

And outward shew of church-communion,

TLey'l' ne'er admit us to our shares 775

Of ruling church or state affairs ;

No. give us leave t' absolve, or sentence

T' our own coiditions ol r<-pentance ;

But shar'd our dividend o' tii' crown

We had so palnfuily preach'd down; 780

And forc'd us, tho' against the grain,

T' have calls to teach it up again :

260 HUDIBRAS,

For 'twas but justice to restore

The wrongs we had received before ;

And, when 'twas held forth in our way, 78*

W had been ungrateful not to pay ;

Who for the right w' have done the nation^

Have earn'd our temporal salvation,

And put our vesst- Is in a way

Once more to come again in play. 79#

For, if the turning of us out

Has brought this prondence about.

And that our only suifering

Is able to bring in the King,

What would our actions not have done, 795

Had we been suffer'd to go on ?

And therefore may pretend t' a share,

At least, in carrying on th' aTair ;

But whether that be so or not,

W' have done enough to have it thought ; 800

And that's as good as if w' had done't,

And easier pass'd upon account :

For if it be but half deny"d,

'Tis half as good as justify'd.

The world is nat'rally averse 805*

To all the truth it sees or hears ;

But swallows nonsense, and a lie.

With greediness and gluttony ;

And, tho' it have the pique, and long,

'Tis still for something in the wi-ong : §10

As women long, when they're with child,

For things extravagant and wild ;

For meats ridiculous and fulsome.

But seldom any thing that's wholesome ;

And, like the world, men's jobbernoles 315

I'urii round upon their ears, the poles;

And wliat they're confidently told,

By no sense else can be controul'd.

And this, perhaps, may prove the means
Once more, to hedge in providence : 820

For as relapses make diseases
More desp'rate than their first accesses ;

TART III. CANTO II. 261

If we but get again in pow'r.

Our woi'k is easier than before ;

A«d we more ready and expert 825

I' th' mystery, to do oU* part ;

We, who did rather undertake

The first war to create, than make;

And when of nothing 'twas begun,

Rais'd funds as strange, to carry 't on ^ €30

Trepann'd the state, and fac'd it down

With plots and projects of our own ;

And if we did such feats at first.

What can we, now we're better vers'd.

Who have a freer latitude, 835

Than sinners give themselves, allow'd ?

And therefore likeliest to bring in,

On fairest tenns, our discipline ;

I'o which, it was reveal'd long since,

We were ordain'd by Providence ; 840

When (cf) three saints' ears, our predecessors,

The cause's primitive confessors,

B'ing crucify'd, the nation stood

In just so many years of blood ;

That, multiplj'd by six, expressed 845

The perfect number of the beast.

And prov'd that we must be the men

To bring this Mork about again ;

And those who laid the first foundation

Ck)mplete the thoi-ough reformation ; 850

For who have gifts to carry on

So great a work, but we alone ?

What churches have such able pastors,

And precious, pow'rful, preaching masters ?

Possess'd with absolute dominions 856

O'er brethren's purses, and opinions ?

And tiusted with the double keys

Of heaven, and their warehouses ;

Who, when the cause is in distrtss,

Can furnish out what sums they please, l€0

That brooding lie in bankers" hands.

To be disposed at their commands ;

263 IIUDIBRAS.

And daily increase and multiply,

With doctrine, use, aud usury;

Can letch in purties (as, in war, 865

All other heads ot" cattle are) ' *

From th' enemy of all religions,

As well as high and low conditions.

And share them, from blue ribands, down

To all blue aprons in the town: 870

From ladies hurried in calleches.

With cor'nets at their footmen's breeches,

To bawds as fat as mother Nab,

All guts and belly, like a crab.

Our party's great and belter ty'd 875

AVith oaths, aud trade, than any side ;

Has one considerable improvement,

To double foitify the cov'nant :

I mean, our covenant to purchase

Delinquents' titles, and the churches ; 880

That pass in sale, from hand to hand,

Among ourselves, for current land;

Aud rise or fall, like Indian actions,

According to the rate of factions ;

Our best reserve for reformation, 885

When new out-gomgs give occasion ;

That keeps tiie loins of brethren girt,

'Ihe covenant (their creed) t' assert;

And when they've pacK. a a parliament,

Will once more try th' expedients ggo

Who can already muster iVitnds,

To serve tor members, to our ends,

That represent no part o' th' nation,

But (f) f isher's-foUy congregation ;

Are only tools to our intrigues, 895

And sit like geese, to haich our eggs ;

Who, by their precedents of wit,

T' out-fast, outloiter, and out-sit,

Can order matters under-hand,

To put ad bus'ness to a stand ;

Lay public bills aside for private, 90Q

And make 'em one another drive out ;

PART III. CANTO II. '263

Divert the great and necessary,
With trifles to cuMest and vary ;
And make tlie nation represent, 905

And serve for us, in parliament ;
Cut out more work than can be done
In (/) Plato's year, but finish none,
Unless it be the bulls of Lenthul,
That always pass'd for fundamental ; 910

Can set up grandee against grandee,
To squander time away, and bandy;
Make loi-ds and commoners lay sieges
To one another's privileges;

And, rather than compound the quarrel, 915

Engage, to th' inevitable peril
Of both their ruins: th' only scope
And consolation of our hope:
Who, though we do not play the game,
'•Assist as much by giving aim ; 920

Can introduce our ancient arts,
For heads of factions t' act their parts ;
Know what a leading voice is worthy
A seconding, a third, or fourth ;
How much a casting voice comes to, 925

That turns up trump of Ay, or No :
And by adjusting all at th' end,
Share evei^- one his dividend :
An art that so much study cost,

Ai»d now's in danger to be lost, 930

Unless our ancient virtuosos.
That found it out, get into th' Houses.
These are the courics that we took
To carry things by hook or crook ;
And practised down from forty-four, 935

Until they turu'd us out of door,
Besides the herds of boutefeus
We set on work, without the House ;
When ev'ry knight and citizen
Kept legislative journey-men, 940

To bring them in intelligence
From all points of ihe rabble's sense",

264 HUDIBRAS.

And fill the lobbies of both Houses

With politic important buzzes;

Set up committees of cabals,

To pack designs without the walls ;

Examine, and draw up all news,

And fit it to our present use ;

Agree upon the plot o' th' farce,

And every one his part rehearse ;

Make Q's of answers, to waylay

What th' other party's like to say ;

What repartees, and smart reflections)

Shall be return'd to all objections ;

And who shall break the master jest.

And what, and how, upon the rest ;

Help pamphlets out, with safe editions.

Of proper slanders and seditions ;

And treason for a token send.

By a letter to a country friend ;

Disperse lampoons, the only wit

That men, like burglary, commit;

Wit falser than a padder's face,

That all its owner does betrays ;

Who therefore dares not trust it, when

He's in his calling to be seen ;

Disperse the dung on barren earth,

To bring new weeds of discord forth ;

Be sure to bring up congregations,

In spite of laws and proclamations:

For Charlatans can do no good.

Until they're mounted in a crowd ;

And when th' are punish'd, all the htirt

Is but to fare the better tor 't;

As long as confessors are sure

Of double pay for all th' endure ;

And what they earn in persecution,

Are paid t' a groat in contribution :

Whence some tub-holders-forth have made

In powd'riug tubs their richest trade;

And, while they kept llieir shops in prison,

Have found their prices strangely risen.

PART III. CANTO II. '2G5

Disdain to own the least regret

For all the Christian blood w' have let ;

'Twill save our credit, and maintain 9S5

Our title to do so again ;

That needs not cost one di*ara of sense,

But pertinacious impudence.

Our constancy t' our principles,

In time, will wear out all things else ; 990

Like marble statues, rubb'd in pieces,

"With gallantry of pilgrims' kissr s ;

While those who turn and wind their oaths,

Have swellM and sunk, like other froths ;

Prevail'd a while, but 'twas not long 995

Before from world to world they swung;

As they had turn'd from side to side,

And as they changelings liv'd, they dy'd.

This said, th' impatient states-monger
Could now contain himself no longer ; 3000

Who had not spar'd to shew his piques
Against th' haranguer's politics,
With smart remarks oi' leering faces,
And annotations of grimaces.

Aft'-r h' had administer'd a dose 1005

Of snufF-mundungus to his nose,
And powder'd th' inside of his skull.
Instead of th' outward jobbernol,
He shook it with a scornful look
On th' adversary, and thus he spoke: lOlO

In dressing a calf 's-head, altho'
The tongue and bruins togctlier go,
Both keep so great a distance here,
'Tis strange, if evi-r they come near;
For who did ever play his gambols, 1015

With such insufFerrtble rambles,
To make the bringing in the Kmg,
And keeping of him out, one thing ?
Which none could do, but those that swore
T' as point blank nonsense heretofore : 3020

That to defend was to invade,
And to assassinate, to aid :

M

5-'66 HUDIBRAS.

Unless, because you drove him out
(And that was never made a doubt},
No pow'r is able to restore
And bring him in, but on your score :
A spiritual doctrine, that conduces
Most properly to all your uses.
'Tis true, a scorpion's oil is said
To cure the wounds the vermin made ; 1030

And weapons dress'd with salves, restore
And heal the hurts they gave before :
But whether Presbyterians have
So much good nature as the salve,
Or virtue in them as the vermin, 1035

Those who have try'd them can determine.
Indeed, 'tis pity you should miss
I'he arrears of all your services,
And lor th' eternal obligation

V have laid upon fh' ungrateful nation, 1046

Be us'd s' unconscionably hard,

As not to find a just reward, .

For letting rapine loose, and murther, i

To rage just so far but no further ; J

And, setting all the land on fire, 1045^

To burn t' a scantling, but no higher;
For vent'ring to assassinate,
And cut the throats of church and state;
And not be allow 'd the fittest men
To take the charge of both again ; 1051

Especially, that have the grace
Of self-denying, gifted face ;
Who, when your projects have miscarry'd,
Can lay them, with undaunted fore-head,
On those you painfully trepann'd, 1055

And sprinkletl in at second hand ;
As we have been, to share the guilt
Of Christian blood, devoutly spilt;
For so our ignorance was flaram'd
To damn ourselves, t' avoid b'ing damn'd ; 1050

Till finding your old foe, the hangman.
Was like to lurch you at back-gammon,

JART in. CANTO II. 267

And win your necks upon the set,

As well as oui-s, who did but bet

(For he had drawn your tars before, 1065

And nick'd them on the strlf-same score) ;

We threw the box and dice away,

Before y' had lost us, at foul play ;

And brought you down to rook, aud lie,

And fancy only, on the bye ; 1070

Redeem'd your forftit jobbemoles

From perching upon lofty poles ;

And rescu'd all your outward traitors

From hanging: up, like aligators :

For which insjeniously >' have shew'd 1075

Your Presbyterian gratitude :

Would freely have paid us home in kind,

And not have been one rope behind.

Those were your motives to divide,

And scruple, on the other side, 1080

To turn your zealous frauds, and force.

To fits of conscience and remorse ;

To be convinc'd they were in vain,

And face about for new again :

For truth no more unveil'd your eyes, 1085

Than maggots are convinc'd to flios :

And therefore, all your lights and calls

Are but apocryphal, and false.

To charge us with the consequences

Of al I > our nat i ve insolen ces, 1 090

That to your own imperious wills

Laid law and gospel neck and heels ;

Corrupted the Old Testament

To s rve the New for precedent ;

T' amend its errors and defects, 1095

With murther and rebellion-texts ;

Of which th^ is not any one

In all the book to sow upon ;

And therefore (from your tribe) the Jews

Held Christian doctrine forth, and use; 1100

As Mahomet (your chief) began

To mix them in the alcoran ;

268 HUDIBRAS.

Denounc'd and pray'd, with fierce devotiou,

Aad bended elbows on the cushion ;

Stole from the beggars all your tones, 1]

And gifted mortifying groans ;

Had lights where better eyes were blind,

As pigs ai*e said to see the wind ;

Fill'd Bedlam with predestination,

And Knights-bridge with illumination ; i:

Made children, with your tones, to run for't,

As bad as Bloodj'-bones, or Lunsford ;

While women, great with child, miscarrj'd,

For being to malignants marry'd ;

Transform'd ail wives to Dnlilahs, 1

Whose husbands were not for tlie cause;

And turn'd the men to ten-hom'd cattle.

Because they came not out to battle ;

Made tajlors' prentices turn heroes,

For fear of being transform'd to Meroz; 1

And rather forfeit their indentm-es,

Than not espouse the Sainfs' adventures ;

Could transubstantiate, metamorphose,

And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus;

Enchant the King's and Church's lands 1'

T' obey and follow your commands ;

And settle on a new freehold,

As Mairly-Hill had done of old:

Could turn the covenant, and translate

The gospel into spoons and plate ; i:

Expound upon all merchants' cashes.

And open th' intricatest places;

Could catechize a money-box,

And prove all pouches oi'thodox;

Until the cause became a Damon, .1135

And Pythias the wicked Mammon.

And yet, in si)ite of all your charms
To conjure Legion up in arms.
And raise moi-e devils in the rout
Than e'er y' were able to cast out, 1140

Y have been reduc'd, and by those foob
£red up (you say) La your own schools ;

PART III. CANTO TL 269

Who, though but gifted at yoor feet,

Havf made it plain, they have more wit ;

By « horn y' have been so oft trepann'd, 1145

And held forth out of all command,

Out-i^ifted^ out-impuls'd, out-done,

And out-reveal'd at carryings-on ;

Of all your dispensations worm'd,

Out-i rovidenc'd and out-reform 'd; 1150

Ejected out of church and state,

And all things, but the people's hate ;

And spirited out of th' enjoyments

Of precious edifying eiDployments,

By thos( who lodg'd their gifts and graces, 1155

Lik better bowlers, in your places ;

All which you bore with resolution,

Charg'd on th' account of persecution ;

And though most righteously oppress'd,

Aga nst your wills, still acquirsc'd; li60

Ami never humin'd and hah'd s-^dition,

Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision :

That is, because you never durst ;

For had j ou preach'd and pray'd your worst,

Alasl you wei-e no longer able 1165

To raise your posse of the rabble :

One single red^soat sentinel

Out-charm'd the magic of the spell ;

And, with his squirt-fire, could disperse

"Whole troops with chapter rais'd and verse. 1170

"We knew too well those tricks of yours,

To leave it ever in your powers ;

Or trust our safeties, or undoings,

To your disposing of out-goings ;

Or to your ordering providence, li'5

One farthing's-worth of consequence.

For had you pow'r to undermine,

Or wit to carry a design,

Or correspondence to trepan,

Inveigle, or betray one man ; 1180

There's nothing else that intervenes,

And bars your z^al to use the means;

270 HUDIBRAS.

And therefore wondrous like, no doubt,
To bring in Kings, or keep them out ;
Bravi- undertakers to restore, 1185

That could not keep yourselves in pow'r ;
T' adsance the int'rests of the crown,
That wanted wit to keep your own.
' Tis true you have (for I'd be loth
To wrong ye) done your parts in both.
To keep him out, and brijig him in,
As grace is iutroduc'd by sin ;
For 'twas your zealous want of sense,
And sanctify 'd impertinence ;

\'our carrying bus'ness n a huddle, 1195

That forc'd our inilers to new-model ;
Oblig'd tlie state to tack about.
And turn you, root and brancli, all out ;
To reformado, one und all,

T' your great (g) croysado-general. 1200

Your greedy slav'ring to devour,
Beforv' 'twas in your clutches, pow'r.
That sprung the game you were to set.
Before ) ' had time to draw the net ;
Your spite to see the church's lands 1205

Divided into other hands.
And all your sacrilegious ventures
Laid out in tickets, and debentures ;
Your envy to be sprinkled down.
By under cliurehes in the town ; 1210

And no course us'd to stop their mouths,
Nor th' independents' spreading growths.
All which consider'd, 'tis most true.
None bring liim in so much as you;
Who have prevail'ti beyond their plots, 1215'

Their midnight juntos, and seal'd knots;
That thrive more by your zealous piques*
Than all thtir own rash politics.
And this way you may claim a share
In carrying (as you brag) th' affair ; 122«

Else frogs and toads, that croak'd the Jewt
From Pharaoh and his brick-kilns loose ;

PART Iir. CANTO II. Z7i

And flies and mange, that set them free

From task masters and slavery,

Were likelier to do the feat, 1225

In any indiif 'rent man's conceit:

For who e'er heard of restoration,

Until your thorough relormation?

That is, the King's and church's lands

Were sequestei-'d int' other hands: 1239

For only then, and not before,

Your eyes were open'd to restore ;

And wlu n the work was carrying on,

Who cross'd it, but youi-selves alone?

As by a world of hints appears, 1135

All plaiu and extant as your ears.

But first, o' th* first : The isle of mght
Will rise up, if you should d> ny't;
Where Heni/enon, and th' other masses,
Were sent to cap tt xts. and put cast s : 124©

To pass for df tp and learued scholars,
Altho' but paltry (/() Ob and SoUers:
As if th' uustasonable tools
Had been a-conrsr.ig in the schools;
Until th' had prov'd the d -vii author 1245

O' th' covenant and tlu cause his daughter :
For when they charg'd him with the guilt
Of all the blood that had been spilt,
They did not mean he wrought th' effusion
In person, like (i) Sir Pride, or HughsuTif 1250

But only those who first begun
The quarrel, were by him set on ;
And who could those be but the saints,
Those reforiaation-tt rmagants ?

But ere this pass'd, the wise debate 1255

Spent so niuch time, it grew too late;
For Oliver had gotten ground
T' inclose him with his warriors round ;
Had brought his Providence about.
And tutn'd th' untimely sophists out. 1260

Nor had the Uxbridge bus'ness less
Of nonsense in't, or sottishness ;

272 HUDIBRAS:

When from a scoundrel holder-fortli,

l"he scum, as well as son o' th' earth,

Your mighty senators took law, 126.5

At his command were forc'd t' withdra^r,

And sacrifice the peace o' th' nation

To doctrine, use, and application.

So when the Scots, your constant cronies,

Th' tspousers of your cause and moneys, 1270

Who hau so often, in your aid.

So many ways been soundly paid,

Came in at last, for better ends.

To prove themselves your trusty friends;

You basely left them, and the church 12,75

They train'd you up to in the lurch,

And suffer'd your own tril)e of Christians

To fall before, as true Philistines.

This sliows what utensils y' have been,

To IniTig the king's concernments in; 1280

V/hii h 's so far from being true,

Th'^t none but he can bring in you ;

And, if he take you into trust.

Will find you most exactly just.

Such hs will punctually repay 128$

With double int'rtst ard b.-tray.

Not that I think those pantomimes,
AVho vary action witi) the times.
Are less ingenious in their art,

Thim thost who dully act one part ; 1290

Or thosf wlio turn from side to side,
More g'.iilty than the wind and tide.
All countries are a wise man's home.
And so are govt rnments to some,
Who change them for the same intrigues 1295

That statesujen use in breatving leagues ;
While otht rs, in old faiths and troths,
Look odd, as out ot-fHshio).'d cloths;
And nastier, in an old opinion.
Than those who never shift their linen. 130©

For true and faithfufs sure to lose,
V.'hich way soever the game goesi

PART Iir. CANTO 11. 273

And, whether parties lose or win,

Is always nick'd, or else hedg'd in :

While pow'r usurp'd, like stol'n delight, 1305

Is more bewitching than the right,

And when the times begin to alter,

None rise so high as from the halter.

And so may we, if w' have but sense
To use the necessary means ; 1310

And not your usual stratagems
On one another, lights and dreams :
To stand on terms as positive,
As if we did not take, but give ;

Set up the covenant on crutches, 1315

'Gainst those who have us in their clutches,
And dream of pulling churches down,
Before w' are sui-e to prop our own ;
Your constant method of proceeding,
Without the carnal means of heeding; 1320

Who, 'twixt your inwai-d sense and outward,
Are worse, than if y' had none, accouter'd.

I grant, all courses are in vain,
Unless we can get in again,

The only way that's left us now, 1325

But all the difficulty 's. How ?
'Tis true, w' have money, th' only pow'r
That all mankind falls down before;
Money, that, like the swords of Kings,
Is the last reason of all things ; 1330

And therefore need not doubt our play
Has all advantages that way ;
As long as men have faith to sell.
And meet with those that can pay well ;
Whose half-starv'd pride and a arice, 1335

One church and state will not suffice
T' expose to sale, beside the wages
Of storiug plagues to after-ages.
Nor is our mont^y less our own,
Than 'twas before we laid it down; J340

For 'twill return, and turn t' account,
If we are brought in play upon 't;
M 2

2r4 HUDIBRAS.

Or but, by casting knaves, get in,

What pow'r can hinder us to win?

We know the arts we us'd before, 1345

In peace and war, and something more;

And by th' unfortunate events

Can mend our next expei-iments :

For when w' are taken into trust,

How easy are the wisest choust ? 1350

Who see but th' outsides of our feats,

And not their secret springs and weiglits;

And while they're busy at their ease,

Can carry what designs we please.

How easy is 't to serve for agents, 1355

To prosecute our old engagements?

To keep the Good Old Cause on foot,

And present pow'r from taking root ;

Inflame them both with false alarms

Of plots, and parties taking arms ; 1360

To keep the nation's wounds too wide

From healing up of side to side ;

Profess the passionat'st concerns

For both their interests, by turns,

The only way t' improve our own, 1365

By dealing faithfully with none

(As bowls run true, by being made

On purpose false, and to be sway'd) :

For if we should be true to either,

'Twould turn us out of both together; 1 370

And therefore have no other means

To stand upon our own defence,

But keeping up our ancient party

In vigour, confident and hearty:

To reconcile our late dissentei'S, 1375

Our brethren, tho' by other venters ;

Unite them, and their diff 'rent maggots,

As long and short sticks are in faggots ;

And make them join again as close

As -when they first began t' espouse ; 138P

jErect them into separate

New Jewish ti'ibes, in church and state ;

PART III. CANTO II. 275

To join in marriage and commerce,

And only 'mong themselves converse,

And all tJiat are not of their mind 1385

Make enemies to all mankind ;

Take all religions in, and stickle

From conclave down to conventicle ;

Agreeing still or disagreeing,

According to the light in being. 1390

Sometimes for liberty of conscience,

And spiritual misrule, in one sense ;

But in another qxiite contrary,

As dispensations chance to vary ;

And stand for, as the times will bear it, 1395

All contradictions of the spirit:

Protect their emissaries, empow'r'd

To preach sedition, and the word ;

And when they're hamper'd by the laws,

Release the lab'rers for the cause ; 1400

And turn the persecution back

On those that made the first attack,

To keep them tiflually in awe,

From breaking or maintaining law:

And when tJiey have tlieir fits too soon, 1405

Before the full-tides of the moon,

Put off their zeal I' a fitter season

For sowing faction in, and treason;

And keep them hooded, and their cluirehes.

Like hawks from bating on their perches; 1410

That when the blessed time shall come

Of quitting Babylon and Rome.,

They may be ready to restore

Their own fifth monar;;hy once more.

Meanwhile be better arm'd to fence 1415

Against revolts of Providence ;
By watching narrowly, and snapping
All blind sides of it, as they happen :
For, if success could make us saints,
Our ruin turn'd us )niscivantsi 1420

A scandal that would fall too hard
Upon a few, and unprepar'd.

-/ 0 HUDIBRAS,

These are tlie courses we must run,
Spite of our hearts, or be undone ;
And not to stand on terms and freaks,
Before we have seeur'd our necks ;
But do our work, as out of sight,
As stars by day, and suns by night ;
All licence of the people own,
In opposition to the Crown ;
And for the Crown as fiercely side,
The head and body to divide ;
The end of all we first design 'd,
And all that yet remains behind;
J?e sure to spare no public rapine, 1435

On all emergencies that happen:
For 'tis as easy to supplant
Authority, as men in want:
As some of us, in trusts, have made
The one hand with the other trade ; 1440

Gain'd vastly by their joint endeavour,
The right a thief, the left receiver ;
And what the one, by tricks, forestal^'d,
The other, by as sly, retail'd.

For gain has wonderful effects 144S

T' improve the factory of sects:
The rule of faith in all professions,
And great Piana of th' Epiienans ;
Whence turning of religion's made
The means to turn and wind a trade ; 1450

And tho' some change it for the worse,
They put themselves into a course ;
And draw in store of customers.
To thrive the better in commerce :
For all religions flock together, 1455

Like tame and wild fowl of a feather ;
To nab the itches of their sects,
As jades do one another's necks.
Hence 'tis, hypocrisy as well

Will serve t' improve a church, as x£al : 1460

As persecution, or promotion,
Do equally advance devotion.

PART !II. CANTO II. 277

Let business, like ill watchts, go
Sometimes too fast^ sometimes too slow ;
For tilings in order are put out 1465

So easy, ease itself will do 't ;
But when the feat's design'd and meant,
What miracle can bar th' event ?
For 'tis more easj to betray,
Than ruin any other way. 1470

AH possible occasions start,
The weightit .t matters to divert ;
Obstruct, perplex, distract, entangle,
And lay perpetual trains to wrangle.
But in affairs of less import, 1475

That neither do us good nor hurt.
And they receive as little by.
Out-fawn as much, and out-comply;
And seem as scrupulously just.

To bait our hooks for greater trust, 14S0

But still be careful to cry down
All public actions, tho' our own ;
The least miscarriage aggravate,
And charge it all upon the state ;
Express the horrid st detestation, 1485

And pity the distracted nation ;
Tell stories, scandalous and false,
r th' proper language of cabals.
Where ail a subtle statesman says,
Is half in words, and half in face 1490

(As Spaniards talk in dialogues.
Of heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs) ;
Intrust it under solemn vows
Of mum. and silence, and the rose,
To be retail'd again in whisp<;rs, 1495

For th' easy cndulous to disperse.

Thus far the Statesman— When a shout^
Heard at a distance, put him out ;
And straight another, all aghast,
Rush'd in with equal fear and haste: 1500

Who star'd about as pale as death.
And, for awhile, as out of breath j

278 HUDIBRAS.

Till having gather'd i>p his wits,
He thus began his tale by fits :—

That (k) beastly rabble— that came down
From all the garrets— in the town,
And stalls, and shop-boards— in vast swarms,
With new-chalk'd bills, and rusty arms,
To cry the Cause— up, heretotbre.
And bawl the Bishops— out of door.
Are now drawn up— in greater shoals,
To roast— and broil us on the coals,
And all the grandees— of our members ""
Are carbonading— on the embers ;
Knights, Citizens, and Burgesses-
Held forth by Rumps— of pigs and geese,
That serve for characters— and badges
To represent thoir personages :
Each bonfire is a fun'ral pile.
In which they roast, and scorch, and broil,
And ev'ry representative
Have vow'd to roast— and broil alive :

And 'tis a uiiracie, we are not
Ah-eady sacrific'd incarnate.
For while we wrangle here, and jar,
W are gi-JUy'd ail at Temple-Bar :
Some, on the sign-post of an ale-house,
Hang ill effigy, on the gallows,
Made up of rags, to personate
Respective Officers of State ;
That henceforth they may stand reputed,
Proscrib'd in law, and executed.
And while the work is carrying on,
Be ready listed under (0 Dun,
That worthy patriot, once the bellows
And tinder-box of all his fellows ;
The activ'st member of the fiv-e.
As well as the most primitive ;
Who, for his faithful service then,
Is chosen for a fifth again
(For since the state has made a quint
Of generals, he's listed in't) :

PART in. CANTO II. 279

This worthy, as the world will say,

Is paid in specie, his own way ;

For, moulded to the life, in clouts I545

Th' have pick'd from dung-hiils hereabouts,

He's mounted on a hazel bavin,

A cropp'd malignant baker gave 'em;

And to the largest bonfire riding,

They've roasted (m) Cook already, and Pride in, 1550

On whom, in equipage and state,

His scarecrow iellow-members wait,

And march in order, two and two,

As at thanksgivings th' us'd to do;

Each in a tatter'd talisman, 1555"

Like vermin in effigy slain.

But, what's more dreadful than the rest,
Those rumps are but the tail o' th' beast.
Set up by Popish engineers.

As by the crackers plainly appears ; 1560

For noue but Jesuits have a mission
To preach the faith with ammunition,
And propagate the church with powder ;
Their founder was a blown-up (n) soldier.
These spiritual pioneers o' th' whore's, 1565

That have the charge of all her stores,
Since first they fail'd in their designs.
To take in heav'n by springing mines,
And, with unanswerable barrels

Of gunpowder, dispute their quarrels ; 1570

Now take a course more practicable,
By laying trains to fire the rabble,
And blow us up, in th' open streets,
Disguis'd in rumps, like Sambenites ;
More like to ruin, and confound, 1575

Than all their doctrines under ground.

Nor have they chosen rumps amiss.
For symbols of state-mysteries ;
Tho' some suppose 'twas but to shew
How much they scorn'd the saints, the few ; 158e

Who 'cause they're wasted to the stumps,
Are represented best by ruropy.

2S0 HUDIBRAS.

But Jesuits have deeper reaches

In all their politic far-fetches ;

And from the Coptic Driest (o) Kircherus, 1585

Found out this mystic way to jeer us :

For as th' (/>) Egyptians us'd b> bees

T' express their antique Ptolemies ;

And by their stipE^s, the swords they wore,

Held forth authority and power; 159§

Because these subtle animals

Bear all their int'rests in their tails ;

And when they're once impair'd in that,

Are hanish'd their well-oi-der'd state:

They thought all governments were best 1595

By hieroglypliic rumps exprest.

For as, in bodies natural,
The rump's the fundament of all ;
So, in a common wealtli, or realm,
The gov.'rnment is call'd the helm; 1600

With which, like vessels under sail,
They're turn'd and windefl by the tail :
The tail, which birds and fishes steer
Their courses with, thro' sea and air ;
To whom the rudder of the rump is 1605

The same thing with the stern and compass.
This shews how perf;-ctly the rump
And commonwealth in nature jump :
For as a fly that got s to bed.

Rests with his tail above his head ; 1610

So, in this mungrel state of ours,
The ral)ble are the supreme pow'rs,
That hors'd us on their backs, to show us
A jadish trick at last, and throw us.

The 1' arned rabbins of the Jews 1615

Write, there's a bone, which they call Luez,
1' th' rump of man, of such a virtue,
No force in nature can do hurt to;
And thv refore, at the last great day.
All th' other members shall, they say, 1630

Spring out of this, as from a seed
All sorts of vegetals proceed ;

I

PART III. CANTO IL 281

From whence the learned sons of art

Os sacrum justly style that part.

Then what can better represent, 165f5

Than this rump-bone, the Parliament ;

That, after sev'i-al rude ejections,

And as prodigious resurrections.

With new revei-sions of nine lives,

Starts up, and like a cat revives ? 1638

But now, alas .' they're all expired,
And th' House, as well as members, fir'd ;
Consum'd in icenntls by the rout.
With which they other fires put out ;
Condemn'd t' ungoveining distress, 1635

And paltry, private wretchedness ;
"Worse than the devil, to privation,
Beyond all hopes of restoration ;
And parted like tlie body and soul.
From all dominion and controul. 1640

We, who could lately with a look
Enact, establish, or revoke ;
Whose arbitrary nods gave law,
And frowns kept multitudes in awe ;
Before the bluster of whose huff, 1645

All hats, as in a storm, flew off;
Ador'd and bow'd to by the great,
Down to the footman and valet ;
Had more bent knees than chapel-mats,
And pi-ayers, than the crowns of hats; 1650

Shall now be scorn'd as wretchedly,
For ruin 's just as low as high ;
-Which might be suffer'd. were it all
'I'he horror that attends our fall :
For some of us have scores more large 1655

Than heads and quartei-s can discharge;
And others, who, by restless scraping.
With public frauds, and private rapine,
Have mighty heaps of wealth amass'd,
Would gladly lay down all at last; 1660

And to be but undone, entail
Their vessels on perpetual jail ?

282 HUDIBRAS.

And bless the dev'l to let them farms
Of forfeit souls, on no worse tei'ins.

This said, a near and louder shout
Put all th' assembly to the rout,
Who now begun t' out-run their fear,
As horses do from those they t)ear;
But crowded on with so much haste.
Until th' had bloek'd the passage fast,
And barricado'd it with haunches
Of outward men, and bulks and paunches,
That with their shoulders strove to squeeze,
And rather save a crippled piece
Of all their crush 'd and braken members,
Than have them gi-illied on the embers ;
Still pressing on with heavy packs
Of one another on their backs :
The van-guard could no longer bear
The charges of the forlorn rear ;
But, borne down headlong by the rout,
Were trampled sorely under foot;
Yet nothing prov'd so formidable,
As th' homd cookery of the rabble :
And fear, that keeps all feehng out,
As lesser pains are by the gout,
Reliev'd 'em with a fresh supply
Of rallied foixe, enough to fly,
And beat a Tuscan running-horse
Whose jockey-rider is all spur*.

PART III. CANTO III.

THE ARGUMENT.

The Knight and Squire's prodigious Flight
To quit til' enchanted Bow'r by Night,
He plods to turn his aniovoiis Suit
T' a plea in Law and prosecute ;
Repairs to Counsel, to advise
'Uout managing the Enterprize;
But first resolves to try by Letter,
And one more tair Address, to get her.

WHO would believe what sti-ange bugbears

Mankind creates itself of fears,

That spring, like fern, that insect weed,

Equivocally, without seed.

And have no possible foundation.

But merely in tli' imagination ?

And yet can do more dreadful feats.

Than hags, with all their {q) imps and teats ;

ZVIake more bewitch and haunt themselves,

Than all the nurseries of elves.

For fear does things so like a witch,

'Tis hard t' unndrile which is which ;

Sets up communities of senses.

To chop and change intelligences ;

As (r) Rosicrucian virtuosos

Can see with ears, and hear with noses ;

And, when they neither see nor hear,

Have more than both supply'd by fear ;

That makes them in the dark see visions,

And hag themselves witli apparitions ;

And, when their eyes discover least,

Discern the subtlest objects best j

fiS4 HUDIBRAS.

Do things, not contrary alone

To th' course of nature, but its own ;

The courage of the bravest daunt,

And turn poltroons as valiant :

For men as resolute appear

With too much, as too little fear ;

And, when they're out of hopes of flying.

Will run away from death by dying ;

Or turn again to stand it out,

And those they fled, like lions, rout.

This Hudibras had prov'd too true,
Who, by the furies left perdue,
And haunted with detachments, sent
From {s) Marshal Legion's regiment,
Was by a fiend, as counterfeit,
Reliev'd and rescu'd with a cheat ;
Whtn nothing but himself, and fear,
Was both the imps and conjurer ;
As, by the rules o' th' virtuosi,
It follows in due form of poesy.

Disguis'd in all the masks of night.
We left our champion on his flight,
At blind-man's-buff" to grope his way,
In equal fear of night and day ;
Who took his dark and desp'rate course,
He knew no better than his horse ;
And, by an unknown devil led
(He knew as little whither), fled.
He never was in greater need,
Nor less capacity of speed ;
Disabled, both in man and beast,
"To fly and run away his best ;
To keep the enemy and fear
From equal falling on his rear.
And iho', with kicks and bangs, he ply'd
The further and the nearer side
(As seamen ride with all their force.
And tug as if they row'd the horse ;
And, when the hackney sails most swift,
Believe they lag, or ran a-drift) ;

PART III. CANTO III. 283

So, tho' he posted e'er so fast,

His fear was g\*eater than his haste :

For fear, tho' fleeter than the wind, 65

Believes 'tis always left behind.

But, when the morn began t' appear,

And shift t' another scene his fear,

He found his new officious shade,

That came so timely to his aid, 7Q

And forc'd him from the foe t' escape.

Had turn'd itself to Ralpho'% shape,

So like in person, garb, and pitch,

'Twas hard t' interpret which was which.

For Ralpho had no sooner told 75

The lady all he had t' unfold,
But she convey'd him out of sight,
To entertain th' approaching knight ;
And, while he gave himself diversion,
T' accommodate his beast and person, 80

And put h's beai-d into a posture
At best advantage to accost her,
She order'd th' anti-masquei'ade
(For his reception) aforesaid :

But, when the ceremony was done, 85

The lights put out, and furies gone ;
And Hudibras, among the rest,
Convey'd away, as Ralpho guess'd;
The wretched caitiff, all alone

(As he believ'd), began to moan, 90

And tell his story to himself;
The knight mistook him for an elf;
And did so still, till he began
To scruple at Ralph's outward man ;
And thought, because tliey oft agreed 95

T' appfear in one another's stead.
And act the saint's and devil's part,
With undistinguishable art,
They might have done so now perhaps,
And put on one another's shapes : 100

And therefore, to resolve the doubt,
He star'd upon him, and cry'd out,

286 ftUDIBRAS.

What art ? My squire, or that bold sprite

That took his place and shape to-night?

Some busy independent pug, 105

Retaining to his Synagogue ?

Alas 1 quotli he, I'm none of those

Your bosom friends, as you suppose ;

But Ralph himself, your trusty squire,

Who' has dragged your Donship out o' th' mire, 110

And from th' enchantments of a widow,

Wh' had tum'd you int' a beast, have freed you ;

And, tho' a prisoner of war,

Have brought you safe where you now are ;

Which you would gratefully repay 115

Your constant Presbyterian way.

That's stranger (quoth the knight) and stranger :
"WHio gave thee notice of my danger ?

Quotli he, Th' infernal conjurer
Pursu'd, and took me prisoner; 126

And, know ing you were hereabout,
Brought me along, to find you out ;
Where I, in hugger-mugger hid,
Have noted all they said or did :
And, tho' they lay to him the pageant, 125

I did not see hira, nor his agent,
Who play'd their sorceries out of sight,
T' avoid a fiercer second fight.—
But, didst thou see no devils th n ?—
Not one, quoth he, but carnal men, 130

A little worse than fiends in hell,
And that she-devil Jezebel,
That laugh'd and tee-he'd with derision,
To see them take your deposition.

What then (quoth Hudibras) was he 135

That play'd the devil t' examine me ?—
A rallying weaver in the town.
That did it in a parson's gown;
Whom all the parish take for gifted,
But, for ray part, I ne'er believ'd it : 146

In which you told them all your feats,
Your conscientious frauds and cheats;

PART III. CANTO III. 2S7

Deny'd your whipping, and confess'd

The naked truth of all the rest,

More plainly than the (t) rev'rend writer 145

That to our churches veil'd his mitre ;

All which they took in black and white,

And cudgell'd me to under-write.

What madf thee, when they all were gone,
And none but thou and I alone, 150

To act the devil, and forbear
To rid me of my hellish fear ?

Quoth he, I knew your constant rate.
And frame of sp'rit, too obstinate,
To be by me prevail'd upon, 155

With any motives of my own ;
And therefore strove to counterfeit
The dev'l a while, to nick your wit ;
The dev'l, that is your constant crony.
That oaly can prevail upon ye : 160

Else we mig'ht still have been disputing,
And they, with weighty drubs, confuting.

The knight, who now began to find
Th' had left the enemy behind.

And saw no farther harm remain, 16J

But feeble weariness and pain ;
Perceiv'd, by losing of their way,
Th' had gain'd th' advantage of the day ;
And, by declining of the road,

They had, by chance, their rear made good ; 170
He veutur'd to dismiss his fear.
That parting 's wont to rent and tear.
And give the desperat'st attack
To danger still behind its back.

For. having paus'd to recollect, 175

And on his past success reflect,
T' examine and consider why,
And whence, and how he came to fly,
And, when no devil had appeared,
Wliat else, it could be said, he fear'd; 180

It put him in so fierce a rage.
He once resolv'd to re-engage?

288 HUDIBRAS.

Toss'd like a foot-ball back again,
With shame, and vengeance, and disdain.
Quoth he, it was thy cowardice
That made me from this leaguer rise ;
And when I'd half reduc'd the place,
To quit it infamously base ;
Was better cover'd by the new-
Arriv'd detachment than I knew ;
To slight my new acquests, and run
Victoriously from battles won ;
And reck'ning all I gain'd or lost,
To sell them cheaper than they cost;
To make me put myself to flight.
And conqu'ring run away by night ;
To drag me out, which th' haughty foe
Durst never Iiave presum'd to do ;
To mount me in the dark, by force,
Upon the bare ridge of my horse ;
Expos'd in querpo to their rage,
Without my arms and equipage;
Lest, if they ventur'd to pursue,
I might th" unequal fight renew ;
And, to preserve thy Outward Man,
Assum'd my place, and led the van.

All this, quoth Rall)h, I did, 'tis true,
Not to preserve myself, but you ;
You, who were damn'd to baser drubs
Than wretclies feel in povvd'ring tubs,
To mount two-wheel'd cavroches, worse
Than managing a wooden-horse ;
Dragg'd out through straiter holes by th' ears,
Eras'd, or coup'd for peyurers ;
Who, though th' attempt had prov'd in vain,
Had had no reason to complain :
But since it prosper'd, 'tis unhandsome
To blame the hand that paid your ransom.
And rescu'd your obnoxious bones
From unavoidable battoons.
The enemy was reinforc'd,
And we disabled, and unhors'd,

PART ill. CANTO III. 289

Disarm'd, unqualify'd for fight,
And no way left but hasty flight.
Which, tho' as desperate in th' attempt, 225

Has giv'n yo« freedom to condemn 't.
But, were our bones in fit condition
To reinforce the expedition,
'Tis now unseasonable, and vain,
To think of falling on again. "230

No martial project to surprize
Can ever be attempted twice ;
Nor cast design serve afterwards,
As gamesters tear their losing-cards.
Beside, our bangs of man and beast 235

Are fit for nothing now but rest ;
And for awhile will not be able
To rally, and prove serviceable :
And therefore I, witli reason, chose
This stratagem t' amuse our foes ; 240

To make an honourable retreat,
And wave a total sure defeat:
For those that fly may fight again,
'Which he can never do that's slain.
Hence timely running's no mean part -245

Of conduct in the martial art ;
By which some glorious feats achieve,
As citizens by breaking thrive ;
And cannons conquer armies, while
They seem to draw off and recoil ; 250

Is held the gallantest coui-se, and bravest,
To great exploits, as well as safest ;
That spares th' expense of time and pains,
And dangerous beating out of brains;
And in the end prevails as certain 25S

As those that never trust to fortune ;
But make their fear do execution
Beyond the stoutest resolution ;
As earthquakes kill without a blow.
And. only trembling, overthrow. 260

l((u) th' ancients crown'd their bravest men
That only sav'd a citizen,

N

2.90 HUDIBRAS.

AVhat victory could e'er be won,

If ev'ry one would save but one ?

Or fight endanger'd to be lost, 265

Where all resolve to save the most ?

By this means, when a battle's won,

'I'he war's as far from being done ;

For those that save themselves, and fly,

Go halves, at least, i' th' victory j 270

And sometimes, when the loss is small,

And danger great, they challenge all j

Print new additions to their feats.

And emendations in Gazettes ;

And when, for furious haste to run, 275

They durst not stay to fii-e a gun,

Have done't with bonfires, and at home

"Made squibs and crackers overcome ;

To set the rabble on a flame,

.And keep their governors from blame ; 280

Disperse the news the pulpit teHs,

Confirm'd with fire-works and with bells;

And though i-educ'd to that extreme,

They have been forc'd to sing Te Deum ;

Yet, with religious blasphemy, 285

By flattering Heaven with a lie ;

And for their beating giving thanks,

Th' have rais'd recruits, and fiU'd their banks

For those who run from th' enemy.

Engage them equally to fly ;

And M'hen the fight becomes a chace.

Those win the day tliat win the race ;

And that which would not pass in fights,

Has done the feat with easy flights ;

Recovered many a desp'rate campaign 295

With Bourdeaux, Burgundy, and Champaign;

■Restor'd the fainting high and mighty

With brandy-wine and aqua-vita;;

And made 'em stoutly overcome

With bacrack, hoccamore, and mum ; SO^i

Whom th' uncontroul'd decrees of fg^t'e

To virctory necessitate ;

2dt||

PART III. CANTO III. 291

With which, although they run or bum,

They unavoidably return ;

Or else their (w"> sultan populaces 305

Still strangle all their routed bassas.

Quotli Hudibras, I understand
What fights thou mean'st at sea and land,
And who those were that run away,
And yet gave out th' had won the day ; 310

Although the rabble sous'd them for 't,
O'er head and ears in mud and dirt.
'Tis true our modern way of war
Is grown more politic by far.

But not so resolute, and bold, 315

Nor ty'd to honour, as the old.
For now they laugh at giving battle,
Unless it be to herds of cattle ;
Or fighting convoys of provision,
The whole design o' th' expedition ; 3iO

And not with downright blows to rout
Th^ eneiny, but eat them out:
As fightiner, in all beasts of prey.
And eating are perforin'd one way;
To gi»e defiance to their teeth. 325

And fight their stubborn guts to death ;
And those acliieve the high'st renown.
That bring the other stomachs down.
There's now no fear of wounds, nor maiming ;
All dangei-s are redue'd to famine ; 330

And feats of arms, to plot, design,
Surprize, and stratagem, and mine ;
But have no use nor need of courage,
Unless it be for glory or forage :
For if they fight, 'tis but by chance, 335

When one side vent'ring to advance,
And come uncivilly too near,
Are charg'd unmercifully i' th' rear;
And fbrc'd, with terrible resistance,
To keep hereafter at a riistance ; 340

To pick oiit ground to encamp upon,
Where store of largest rivers run,

292 ttUDIBRAS.

That serve, instead of peaceful barriers,

To part th' engagements of their warriors ;

Where both from side to side may skip, 345

And only encounter at bo-peep :

For men are found the stouter-hearted.

The certainer th' are to be paited,

And therefore post themselves in bogs,

As th' ancient (a:) mice attack'd the frogs^ 350

And made their mortal enemy,

The water-rat, their strict ally.

For 'tis not now, who's stout and bold.

But who bears hunger best, and cold ;

And he's approv'd the most deserving, 355

Who longest can hold out at starving ;

And he that routs most pigs and cows,

The formidablest man of prowess.

So th' emperor Caligula,

That triumph'd o'er the British Sea, S$0

Took crabs and oysters prisoners,

Lobsters, 'stead of cuirassiers ;

Engag'd his legions in fierce bustles

With periwinkles, prawns, and muscles ^

And led his troops with furious gallops, 365

To charge whole regiments of scallops :

Not like their ancient way of war.

To wait on his triumphal car ;

But when he went to dine or sup.

More bravely eat his captives up ; 370

And left all war, by his example,

Reduc'd to vict'ling of a camp well.

Quoth Ralph, By all that you have said,
And twice as much that I could add,
°Tis plain you cannot now do worse, 375

Than take this out-of-fashion'd course,
To hope, by stratagem, to woo her.
Or waging battle to subdue her :
Though some have done it in romances,
And bang'd them into amorous fancies : 3tO

As those who won the Amazons,
By wanton drubbing (rf their Jsones;

PART in. CANTO m, 293

And stout (y) Rinaldo gain'd his bride,

By courting of her back and side.

But since those times and feats are over, 385

They are not for a modern lover.

When mistresses are too cross-gi-ain'd

By such addresses to he gain'd :

And if they were, would have it out

With many another kind of bout. 39*

Therefore I hold no course s' infeasible,

As this offeree to win the Jezebel;

To storm her heart, by th' antic charms

Of ladies-errant, force of arms;

But rather strive by law to win her, 395

And try the title you have in her.

Your case is clear; you have her word,

And me to witness the accord ;

Besides two more of her retinue

To testify what pass'd between you ; 400

More probable, and like to liold,

Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold ;

For which so many, that renounc'd

Their plighted contracts, have been trounc'd ;

And bills upon record been found, 405

That forc'd the ladies to compound ;

And that, unless I miss the matter,

Is all the bus'ness you look after.

Besides, encounters at the bar

Are braver now than those in war, 410

In which the law does execution

With less disorder and confusion ;

Has more of honour in 't, some hold,

Not like the new way, but the old ;

When those the pen had drawn together, 415

Decided quarrels with the feather,

And winged arrows kill'd as dead.

And more than bullets now of lead:

5o all their combats now, as then.

Are manag'd chiefly by the pen ; 420

That does the feat with braver vigours,

In words at length, as well as figures ;

294 HUDIBRA§.

Is judge of all the world performs

In voluntary feats of arms;

And whatsoe'er's achiev'd in fight, 425

Determines which is wrong or right :

For whether you prevail, or lose,

All must be try'd there in the close ;

And therefore 'tis not wise to shun

"What you must trust to ere y' have done. 430

The law, that settles all you do,
And marries where you did but woo ;
That makes the most perfidious lover
A lady, that's as false, recover ;

And if it judge upon your side, 435

Will soon extend her for your bride ;
And put her person, goods, or lands,
Or which you like best, int' 3'our hands.

For law's the wisdom of all ages,
And manag'd by the ablest sages ; 440

Who, though their bus'ness at the bar
Be but a kind of civil Avar,
In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons
Than e'er the Grecians did and Trojans,
They never manage the contest 445

T' impair their public intei*est;
Or by their controversies lessen
The dignity 01 their profession :
Not like us Brethren, who divide
Our Common-wealth, the Cause, and Side ; 450

And though w' are all as near of kindred
As th' outward man is to the inward,
We agree in nothing, but to wrangle
About the slightest fingle-fangle ;
While lawyers have more sober sense ^55

Than t' argue it their own expense,
But make tin ir best advantages
Of others' qi arrels, like the Swiss;
And out of foreign controversies,
By aiding both sides, fill their purses ; 460

But have no int'rest in the cause
For which th' engage, and wage the laws ;

PART m. CANTO HI. ^95

Nor further prospect than their pay,

Whether they lose or win the day.

And tho' th' abounded, in all ages, 4§>S

With sundry learned clerks, and sages;

Tho' all their bus'ness be dispute,

Which way they canvass ev'ry suit ;

Th' have no disputes about their art,

Nor in polemics controvert : 470

While ail prof, ssions else are found

With nothing but disputes t' abound :

Divines of all sorts, and physicians,

Philosophers, mathematicians ;

The Galenist, and Paraceisian, 475

Condemn the way each other deals in ;

Anatomists dissect and mangle.

To cut themselves out work to wrangle ;

Astrolojjers dispute their dreams,

That in their sleeps they talk of schemes; 480

And heralds stickle, who got who.

So many hundi-td years ago.

But lawyers are too wise a nation,
T' expose their trade to disputation;
Or make the busy rabble, Judges 485

Of al! their seci-et piques and grudges;
In which, whoever wins the day,
Thi: whole profession's sure to pay.
Beside, no mountt banks, nor cheats,
Dare undertake to do their feats ; 490

When in ali other sciences
They swarm like insects, and increase.

For what bigot du i st ever draw,
By inward light, a deed in law ?

Or could hold forth, by revelation, 495

An answer to a declaration ?
Tor those that meddle with their tools
Will cut their fingers, if they're fools :
And if you follow their advice,

In bills, and answers, and replies, 500

They'll write a love-letter in Chancer}',
Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye,

296 HUDIBRAS.

And soon reduce her to b' your wife,
Or make her weary of her life.

The knight, who us'd with tricks and shifts 505
To edify, by Ralpho's gifts,
But in appearance ci-y'd him down,
To make them better seem his own
(All plagiaries' constant course
Of sinking, when tliey take a purse), 510

Resolv'd to follow his advice,
But kept it from him by disg-uise :
And after stubborn contradiction,
To counterfeit his own conviction.
And by transition, fall upon 515

The resolution, as his own.

Quoth he. This gambol thou advisest,
Is, of all others, the unwisest ;
For if I think by law to gain her,
There's nothing sillier, or vainer. 52©

'Tis but to hazard my pretence,
^Vhere nothing's certain, but th' expence ;
To act against myself, aud traverse
My suit and title to her favours :
And if she should, which lieaven forbid, 525

O'erthrow me as the fiddler did ;
What after-course have I to take,
'Gainst losing all I have at stake ?
He that with injury is griev'd.

And goes to law to be reliev'd, 539

Is sillier than a sottish chouse,
Who, w hen a thief has robb'd his house.
Applies himself to cunning-men,
To help him to his goods again ;
When all he can expect to gain, 535

Is but to squander more in vain:
And yet I have no other way,
But is as Oifficult to play.
For, to reduce her by main force,
Is now in vain ; by fair means, worse; 540

But worst of all, to give her over,
Tfll she's as desp'rate to recover :

PART III. CANTO III. 297

For bad games are thrown up too soon,

Until they're never to be won.

But since I have no other course 545

But is as bad t' attemjit, or worse;

He that complies against his will,

Is of liis own opinion still ;

Which he may adhere to, yet disown*

For reasons to himself best known : 550

But 'tis not to b' avoided now,

For Sidrophel resolves to sue;

Whom I must answer, or begin

Inevitably first with him ;

For I've receiv'd advertisement, 555

By times, enougli of his intent ;

And knowing, he that first complains,

Th' advantage of the bus'ness gains :

For courts of justice understand

The plaintiff to be eldest hand; 560

Who what he pleases may aver,

The other, nothing till he swear;

Is freely admitted to all grace,

And lawful favour by his place ;

And, for his bringing custom iu, 5.65

Has all advantages to win.

1, who resolve to oversee

No lucky opportunity,

Will go to counsel, to advise

Wliich way t' encounter, or surprize, 370

And aftt r long consideration,

Have found out one to fit th' occasion ; -

Most apt for what I have to do,

As counsellor, and justice too :

Ahd, truly, so, no doubt he was, 5^5

A lawyer fit for such a case. ■"

An (z) old dull sot, who told the clock,
For many years, at Bridewell-dock,
At Westminster, and Hicks's-Hall,
Ahd Hkcius Doctius play'd in all ; SBO

Where, in all governments and times,
H' had been both friend and foe to crimes,
N2

298 HUDIBRAS.

And us'd two equal ways of gaining,
By hind'ring justice or maintaining;
To many a whore gave privilege, 585

And whipp'd, for want of quarteridge ;
Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent,
For b'ing behind a fortnight's rent;
And many a trusty pimp, and croney,
To (a) Puddle-dock, for want of money ; 590

Engag'd the constable to seize
All those that would not break the peace ;
Nor give him back his own foul words,
Though sometimes commoners, or lords,
And kept 'em prisoners of course, 595

For being sober at ill hours ;
That in the morning he might free,
Or bind 'em over for his fee ;
Made (6) monsters fine, and puppet-plays,
For leave to practise in their ways ; 600

Farm'd out all cheats, and went a share
With th' headborough, and scavenger ;
And made the dirt i' th' streets compound
For taking up the public ground ;
The kennel, and the King's highway, 605

For being unmolested, pay ;
Let out the stocks, and whipping-post,
And cage to those that gave him most ;
Impos'd a tax on bakers' ears,
And, for false weights, on chandelers; 610

Made victuallers and vintners fine
For arbitrary ale and wine ;
But was a kind and constant friend
To all that regularly oifend ;

As residentiary bawds, 615

And brokers that receive stol'n goods ;
That cheat in lawful mysteries.
And pay church duties, and his fees ;
^^jBut was implacable, and awkward.

To all that interlop'd and hawker'd. i620

To this brave man the knight repairs
For counsei in his law affairs ;

PART III. CANTO III. 299

And found him mounted in his pew,
With books and money plac'd, for shew,
Like nest-eggs, to make clients lay, 625

And for his false opinion pay :
To whom the knight, with comely gi*ace,
Put off his hat, to put his case ;
Which he as proudly entertain'd
As th' other courteously strain'd ; 630

And, to assure him 'twas not that
He look'd for, bid him put on's hat.
Quoth he, There is one Sidrophel,
Whom I have cudgell'd— Very well.—
And now he brags t' have beaten me ;— 635

Better and better still, quoth he :—
And vows to stick me to a wall,
Where'er he meets me— Best of all.—
'Tis true the knave has taken's oath
That I robb'd him— Well done, in troth.— 640

When h' has confess'd he stole my cloak,
And pick'd my fob, and wliat he took ;
Which was the cause that made me bang him.
And take my goods again— Man-y hang him.-
Now, whether I should before-hand 645"

Swear he robb'd me ?— I understand.—
Or bring my action of conversion
And trover for my goods ?— Ah whoreson !—
Or, if 'tis better to indite,

And bring him to his trial ?— Right.— 650

Prevent what he designs to do,
And swear tor th' state against him ?— True.—
Or whether he that is defendant.
In this case has the better end on't ;
Who, putting in a new cross-bill, 655

May traverse the action ?— Better still.—
Then there's a lady too— Aye matrj —
That easily prov'd accessary ;
A widow, who, by solemn vows,
Contractetl to me for my spouse, 6S0

Combin'd with him to break her word,
And has abetted all— Good Lord !—

300 HUDIBRAS.

Subom'd th' aforesaid Sidrophel,

To tamper with the dev'l of hell ;

Who put m' into a horrid fear, 665

Fear of my life— Make that appear—

Made an assault with fiends and men

Upon my body — Good again —

And kept me in a deadly fright,

And false imprisonment, all night :

Meanwhile they robb'd me, and my horse,

And stole my saddle — Worse and worse —

And made me mount upon the bare ridge,

T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage.

Sir, quoth the lawyer, not to flatter ye,
You have as good and fair a battery
As heart can wish, and need not shame
The proudest man alive to claim.
For if they've us'd you as you say,
Marrj'. quoth L God give you joy;
I would it were my case, I'd give
More than I'll say, or you'll believe :
I would so trounce her, and her purse,
I'd make her kneel for bett'r or worse ;
For matrimony, and hanging here,
Both go by destiny so clear.
That you as sure may pick and choose.
As cross I win, and pile you lose :
And if I durst, I would advance
As much in ready maintenance,
As upon any case I've known;
But we that practise, dare not own.
The law severely contrabands
Our taking bus'ness ofFmen's hands;
'Tis common barratry, that bears
Poiut-blank an action 'gainst our ears,
And cioi)s them, till there is not leatlier
To stick a pin in left of either ;
For which, some do the summer-sault,
And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault.
But you may swear, at any rate,
Things not in nature, for the slate :

Hi

PART lit. CANTO UI. 301

For, in all courts of justice here,

A witness is not said to swear,

But make oath ; that is, in plain terms, 705

To forge whatever he affirms.

(I thank you, quoth the knight, for that,
Because 'tis to my purpose pat) —
For Justice, though she's painted blind,
Is to the weaker side inclin'd, 710

Like Charity ; else right and wron
Could never hold it out so long,
And, like blind Fortune, with a slight,
Convey men's interest and right
From (c) Stiles's pocket into Nokes's 7l5

As easily as hocus pocus ;
Plays fast and loose, makes men obnoxious,
And clear agidn, like Hiccius Doctius.
Then, whether you would take her life,
Or but recover her for your wife ; 720

Or be content with what she has,
And 1ft all other matters pass ;
The bus'ness to the law's alone,
The proof is all it looks upon ;

And you can want no witnesses 725

To swear to any thing you please,
That havdl-y get their mere expences
By til' labour of then- consciences ;
Or letting out to hire their ears

To affidavit customers, 730

At inconsiderable values,
To serve for jurymen or tallies,
Although retain'd in th' hardest matters
Of trustees ann administrators.

For that, quoth he, let me alone, 735

W have store of such, and all our own ;
Bred up and tutor'd by our teachers,
The ablest of conscience stretchers.

That's well, quoth he; but I should guess.
By weighing all advantages, 740

Your surest way is first to pitch
On {d) Bongey, for a water-witch ;

502 flUDIBRAS.

And when y' have hang'd the conjurer,

Y' have time enough to deal with her.

In th' int'rira, spare for no trepans 745

To draw her neck into the bans ;

Ply her M'ith love-letters, and billets,

And bait 'em well, for quirks and quillets,

With trains t' inveigle, and surprize

Her heedless answers, and replies: 750

And if she miss the mouse-trap lines,

They'll serve for other by-designs;

And make an artist understand

To copy out her seal or hand ;

Or hnd void places in the paper

To steal in something to entrap her ;

Till with her worldly goods and body,

Spite of her heart, she has endow'd ye i

Retain all sorts of witnesses,

That ply i' th' temples, under trees ;

Or walk the round with knights o' th' posts,

About the crosslegg'd knights, their hosts ;

Or wait for customers between

The pillar-rows in Lincoln's -Inn:

Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail,

And affidavit-men, ne'er fail

T' expose to sale all sorts of oaths.

According to their ears and clothes,

Their only necessai*y tools,

Besides the gospel, and their souls.

And when y' are furnished with all purveys,

I shall be ready at your service.

I would not give, quoth Hudibras,
A straw to understand a case,
Without the admirable skill
To wind and manage it at will;
To veer, and tack, and steer a cause
Against the weather-gage of laws ;
And ring the changes upon cases,
As plain as noses upon faces.
As you have well instructed me,
For which you've earn'd (here 'tis) your fee.

PART III. CANTO III. 305

I long to practise your advice,

And try the subtle artifice ;

To bait a letter, as you bid : 785

As not long after, thus he did;

For having pump'd up all his wit,

And humm'd upon it, thus he writ.

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE

OF

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.

I who was once as great as Ccesar,

Am now i-educ'd to Nebuchadnezzar ;

And from as fam'd a conqueror

As ever took degree in war.

Or did bis exercise in battle,

By you turned out to grass with cattle :"

For since I am deny'd access

To all my earthly happiness,

Am fallen from the paradise

Of your good graces, and fair eyes;

Lost to the woi-ld. and you, I'm sent

To everlasting banishment;

Where all the hopes I had t' have won

Your heart, b'ing dash'd, will break my own.

Yet if you were not so severe
To pass your doom, before you hear,
You'd find, upon my just defence,
How much y' have wrong'd my innocence.
That once I made a vow to jou.
Which yet is unperform'd, 'tis true ;
But not bt cause it is unpaid,
'Tis violated, tho' delay'd :
Or, if it were, it is no fault,
So heinous as you'd have it thought.
To undergo the loss of ears,
Like vulgar hackney perjurers;
For there's a di rt'i-encc in the case,
Betwet 11 the noble, and the base ;
Who always are observ'd t' have done 't
Upon as ditf' rent an account :
The one for great and weighty cause;
To salve, in honour, ugly flaws ;

i

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 305

1?0Y none are like to do it sooner

Than those wh' are nicest of their honour:

The other, for base gain and pay, 35

Forswear, and perjure by the day;

And make tJi' exposing and retailing

Their souls and consciences, a calling.

It is no scandal nor aspersion
Upon a great and noble person, 40

To say be nat'rally abhoi-r'd
Th' old-fash ion'd tiick, to keep his word,
Tho' 'tis perfidiousness and shame
tn meaner men to do the same :
For, to be able to forget, 45

Is found more useful to the great,
Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes.
To make 'em pass for wondrous wise.
But tho' the law, on perjurers,

Inflicts the forfeiture of ears ; 50

It is not just, that does exempt
The guilty, and punish th' innocent ;
To make the ears repair the wrong
Committed by th' ungovern'd tongue ;
And when one member is forsworn, 55

Another to be cropt, or torn.
And if you should, as you design,
By course of law, recover mine,
You're like, if you consider right,
To gain but little honour by 't. 60

For he that for his lady's sake
Lays down his life, or limbs, at stake,
Does not so much deserve her favour.
As he that pawns his soul to have her.
This y' have acknowledg'd I have dong, 65

Altho' you now disdain to own ;
But sentence what you rather ought
T' esteem good service than a fault.
Besides, oaths are not bound to bear
That lit'ral sense the words infer; 70

But, by the practice of the age,
Are to be judg'd how far th' engage ;

306 AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF

And, where the sense by custom's check'd,
Ave found void, and of none effect ;
For no man takes or keeps a vow,
But just as he sees others do ;
Nor are th' oblig'd to be so brittle,
As not to yield and bow a little ;
For as best-temper'd blades are found,
Before they break, to bend quite round ;
So truest oaths are still most tough,
And tho' they bow, are breaking p. oof-
Then wherefore should they not b' allow'd
In love a greater latitude ?
For as the law of arms approves
Ail ways to conquest, so should Love's ;
And not be ty'd to true or false,
But make that justest that prevails:
For how can that which is above
All empire-, high and mighty Love,
Submits its great prerogative
To any other pow'r alive?
Shall Love, that to no crown gives place,
Become the subject of a case ?
The fundamental law of nature
Be over-rul'd by those made after ?
Commit the censui-e of its cause
To any, but its own great laws ?
Love, that's thi- world's preservative,
That keeps all souls of tilings alive ;
Controuls the mighty pow 'r of fate,
And gives mankind a longer date ;
The life of nature, that restores,
As fast as time and death devours;
To whose free-gift tlie world does owe,
Not only earth, but heaven too :
For Love's the only trade that's driv'n.
The interest of state in lieav'n,
Which nothing but the soul of man
Is capable to entertain.
For what can earth produce, but love,
To represent the joys above ?

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 307

Or who but lovers can converse,

Like angels, by (e) the eye-discourse ?

Address and compliment by vision; 115

Make love and court by intuition ?

And bum in amoi-ous flames as fierce

As those ctlestial ministers ?

Then how can any thing offend,

In order to so great an end ? ^20

Or heav'n itself a sin (/) resent.

That for its own supply was meant ■

That merits, in a kind mistake,

A paixlon for th' offence's sake.

Or if it did not, but tlie cause ,125

Were left to th' injui-y of laws,

"What tyranny can disapprove

There should be equity in love?

For laws that are inanimate,

And feel no sense of love or hate, 130

That have no passion of their own,

Nor pity to be wrought upon,

Are only proper to iuHict

Revt^nge on criminals as strict :

But to Jiavt power to forgive, 135

Is empirt and prerogative ;

And 'tis in crowns a nobler gem

To grant a pardon than condemn.

Then since so few do what they ought,

'Tis great t' indulge a well-meant fault: 140

For why should he who made address,

All humble ways, without success,

And met with nothing, in retiu'n,

But iusolenc^ , atironts, and scorn,

Not strive b) wit to countermine, / 145

And bravely carry his design .-'

He who was us'd so unlike a soldier,

Blown up with philters of love-powder?

And alter letting blood, and purging,

Condemn'd to voluntary scourging; 150

Alarm'd with many a horrid fright,

And claw'd by goblins in the night ;

308 AM HEROICAL EPISTLE OF

Insulted on, revii'd, and jeer'd,

With rude invasion of his beard ;

And when your sex was foully scandaPd,

As foully by the rabble handled ;

Attack'd by despicable foes,

And drubb'd with mean and vulgar blows;

And, after all, to be debarr'd

So much as standing on his guard ; 160

When hoi-ses, being spurr'd and prick'd,

Have leave to kick for being kick'd ?

Or why should you, whose mother-wits
Are funjish'd with all perquisites.
That with your breeding-teeth begin, 165

And nursing babies, that lie in,
B' allow'd to put all tricks upon
Our cully sex, and we use none ?
We, who have nothing but frail vows
Against your stratagems t' oppose ; 170

Or oaths more feeble than your own,
By which we are no less put down ?
Yoii wound, like (g) Parthians, while you fly,
And kill with a retreating eye ;

Retire the more, the more we press, 175

To draw us into ambushes :
As pirates all false coloui-s wear
T' entrap th' unwai-y mariner,
So women, to surprize us, spread
The borrow'd flags of white and red ; 180

Display 'em thicker on their cheeks
Than their old grandmothers, the Picts;
And raise more devils with their looks,
Than conjurer's less subtle books ;
Lay trains of amorous intrigues, 185

In tow'rs, and curls, and periwigs.
With greater art and cunning rear'd.
Than (h) Philip Nye''s thanksgiving beard,
Prepost'rously t' entice, and gain
Those to adore 'em they disdain j 390

And only draw 'em in, to clog
\Vith idle names a catalogue.

^

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 309

A lover is, the more he's brave,
T' his mistress but the more a slave;
And whatsoever she commands, 195

Becomes a favour from her hands ;
Which he's oblig'd t' obey, and must.
Whether it be unjust or jast.
Then when he is compell'd by her
T' adventures he would else forbear, 200

Who with his honour can withstand,
Since force is greater than command ?
And when necessity's obey'd,
Nothing can be unjust or bad;

And therefore when the mightj- pow'rs 2^5

Of love, our great ally and yours,
Join'd forces not to be withstood
By frail enamour'd flesh and blood,
All 1 have done, unjust or ill.

Was in obedience to your will ; 210

And all the blame that can be due,
Falls to your cruelty and you.
Nor are those scandals I confess'd.
Against my will and interest.

More than is daily done of course 215

By all men, when they're under force ;
When some upon the rack confess
What th' hangman and their prompters please ;
But are no sooner out of pain,

Than they deny it all again. 220

But when the Devil turns confessor,
Truth is a crime he takes no pleasure
To hear, or pardon, like the founder
Of liars, whom they all claim under;
And therefore, when I told him none, 225

I think it was the wiser done.
Nor am I without precedent,
The first that on th' adventure went :
All mankind ever did of course,
And daily does the same, or worse. 23C

Tor what romance can show a lover,
That bad a lady to recover,

310 AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF

And did not steer a nearer course,

To fall aboard on his amours .'

And what at first was held a crime, 235

Has turn'd to honourable in time.

To what a height did (i) infiint Ro>ne,
By ravishing of women, corne !
When men upon their spouses seiz'd.
And freely man-y'd where they pleas'd, 24P

They ne'er forswore themselves, nor ly'd,
Nor, in the mind they were in, dy'd ;
Nor took the pains t' address and sue,
Nor play'd the masquerade to woo:
Disdain'd to stay for friends' consents,
Nor juggled about settlements ;
Did need no license, nor no priest,
Nor friends, nor kindred to assist;
Nor lawyers, to join land and money
In th' holy state of matrimony, 250

Before they settled hands and hearts.

Till ik) alimony or death them parts :

Nor would endure to stay until

Th' had got the very bride's good will ;

But took a wise and shorter course iSS

To win the ladies, downright force j

And justly made 'em prisoners then.

As they have often since, us men,

With acting plays, and dancing jigs.

The luckiest oiall love's intrigues ; 260

And when the> had them at their pleasure,

Then talk'd of love and flames at leisure :

For after matrimony's over.

He that holds out but half a lover,

Deserves for ev'ry minute more 265

Than half a year of love before ;

For which the dames in contemplation

Of that best way of application,

Prov'd nobler wives than e'er was known,

By suit or treaty to be won ; 270

And such as all postenty

Could never equal nor come itigfi.

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 311

For women first were made for men,
Not men for them. — It follows, then,
That men have right to ev'ry one, 575

And they no freedom of their own :
And therefore men have pow'r to chuse,
But they no charter to refuse.
Hence 'tis apparent, that what course
"Soe'er we take to your amours, 2§0

Though by the indirectest way,
'Tis no injustice, nor foul play ;
And that you ought to take that course,
As we take you. for better or worse ;
And gratefully submit to those 285

Who you, before another, chose.
For why should ev'ry savage beast
Exceed his great lord's interest ?
Have freer pow'r than he, in grace
And nature, o'er the creature has ? 290

Because the laws he since has made
Have cut off all the pow'r he hadj
Retrtruch'd the absolute dominion
That nature gave hira over women ;

When all his pow'r will not extend 295

One law of nature to suspend;

And but to offer to repeal

The smallest clause, is to rebel.

This, if men rightly understood

Their privilege, they would make good; 30©

And not, like sots, permit their wives

T' encroach on their prt-rogatives;

For which sin they deserve to be

Kept, as they are, in slavery :

And this some precious Gifted Teachers, 305

Unrev'rently reputed lechers,

And disobey'd in making love,

Have vow'd to all the world to prove,

And make ye sulTer, as you ought,

For that uncharitable fault. 310

But I forget myseli; and rove

B^eyond th' instructions of my love.

312 AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF

Forgive me (Fair), and only blame ,
The extravagancy of my flame,
Since 'tis too much at once to show 315

Excess of love and temper too.
All I have said that's bad and true
Was never meant to aim at you,
Who have so sov'reign a controul
O'er that poor slave of yours, my soul,
That, rather than to forfeit you.
Has ventur'd loss of heaven too ;
Both with an equal pow'r possess'd
To render all that serve you blest ;
But none like him, who's destin'd either 325 ]

To have, or lose you, both together;
And if you'll but this fault release
(For so it must be, since you please)
I'll pay down all that vow, and more,
Which you commanded, and I swore, 330"j

And expiate upon my skin
Th' arrears in full of all my sin.
For 'tis but just that I should pay
Th' accruing penance for delay,
Which shall be done, until it move
Your equal pity and your love.

The Knight, perusing this epistle,
Believ'd h' had brought her to his whistle ;
And read it like a jocund lover,
With great applause, t' himself twice over ; 340

Subscrib'd his name, but at a fit
And humble distance to his wit;
And dated it with wond'rous art,
Given from the bottom of his heart ;
Then seal'd it with his coat of love, 345

A smoking faggot— and above,
Upon a scroll— I bum and weep ;
And near it— For her Ladyship ;
Of all her sex most excellent,
These to her gentle hands present ; 35Q

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 315

Then gave it to his faithful Squire,
With lessons how t' observe and eye her.

She first consider'd which was better,
To send it back, or burn the letter :
But guessing that it might import, 3|5

Though nothing else, at hast her sport,
She open'd it, and read it out,
With many a smile and leering flout ;
Resolv'd to answer it in kind.
And thus performed what she design "d. 360

THE LADY'S ANSWER

TO THE KNIGHT.

I'hat you're a beast, and turn'd to gfiass,

Is no strange news, nor ever was ;

At least to me, who once, you know,

Did from the pound replevin you,

"When both your sword and spurs were won

In combat by an Amazon ;

That sword, that did (like Fate) determine

Th' inevitable death of vermin,

And never dealt its furio-is blows,

But cut the throats of pigs and cows,

By Triilla was, in single fight,

Disarmed and wrested from its Knight ;

Your heels degiaded of your spurs,

And in the stocks close prisoners ;

AVhere still they'd lain, in base restraint,

If I, in pity' of your complaint.

Had not, on honourable conditions,

Releas'd 'em from the worst of prisons ;

And what return that favour met

You cannot (though you would) forget;

When, being free, you strove t' evade

The oaths you had in prison made;

Forswore yourself; and first deny'd it,

But after own'd and justify'd it;

And when y' had falsely broke one vow,

Absolv'd yourself by breaking two:

for while you sneakingly submit,

And beg for pardon at our feet,

Discourag'd by yoiir guilty fears.

To hope for quarter for your ears,

And doubting 'twas in vain to sue,

You claim us boldly as youv due ;

TO THE KNIGHT. 315

Declare that treachery and force,

To deal with us, is th' only course;

We have no title nor pretence 35

To body, soul, or conscience,

But ought to fall to that man's share

That claims us for his proper ware.

These are the motives which t' induce,

Or fright us into lo\e, you use. 40

A pretty new way of gallanting,

Between soliciting and ranting !

Like stui-dy beggars, that entreat

For charity at once, and threat.

But since you undertake to prove 45

Your own propriety in love.

As if we were but lawful prize

In war, between two enemies;

Or forfeitures, which ev'ry lover,

That would but sue for, might recover ; 50

It is not hard to umlerstand

The rayst'ry of tliis bold demand ;

That cannot at our persons aim,

But something capable of tlaim.

'Tis not those paltry counterfeit 55

French stones, which in our ej-es you set,
But our right diamonds, that inspire,
And set your am'rous hearts on fire ;
Nor can those false St. Martin's beads,
Which on our lips you lay for reds, 60

And make us wear like Indian dames,
Add fuel to your scorching flames ;
But those true rubies of the rock,
Which in our cabinets we lock.
'Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth, 65

That you are so transported with ;
But those we wear about our necks,
Produce those amorous effects.
Nor is 't those threads of gold, our hair,
The perriwigs you make us wear ; ^0

But those bright guineas in our chests,
That light the wild-fire in your breasts.

S16 THE LADY'S ANSWER

These love-tricks I've been vers'd in so,

That all their sly intrigues I know,

And can unriddle, by their tones, 75

Their mystic cabals, and jargons ;

Can tell what passions, by thtir sounds^ '

Pine for the beauties of my grounds ;

What raptui-es fond and amorous,

O' th' charms and g^-aces of my house ; 60

What extacy, and scorching flame,

Burns for my money, in my name;

What from th' unnatural desire

To beasts and cattle takes its fire ;

What tender sigh, and trickling tear, 85

Longs for a thousand pounds a year ;

And languishing transports are fond

Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond.

These are th' attracts which most men fall
Enamour'd, at first sight withal ; , 90

To these th" address with serenades,
And court with balls and masquerades ;
And yet, for all the yearning pain
Y' have sufferd for their loves in vain,
I fear they'll prove so nice and coy, 95

To have, and t' hold, and to enjoy;
That, all your oaths and labour lost,
They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post.
This is not tneant to disipprove
Your judgment in your choice of love; MO

Which is so wise, the greatest part
Of mankind stud) 't. as an art ;
For love shoul ',like a deodand.
Still fall to th' owner ol'the land ;
And wht re ther 's substance for its greund, 105

Cannot but be more firm and sound
Than that whiih has the slightest basis
Of airy virtue, wit. and graces ;
Which is of such thin subtlt- ty,

It steals and creeps in at the eyej 110

And as it can't en lure to stay,
Steals out agaki, as nice a way*.

TO THE KNIGHT. 317

But love, that its extraction owns
From solid pold, and precious stones.
Must, like its shinina; parents, prove 115

As solid, and as glorious love .
Hence 'tis, you have no way t' express
Our charms and graces, but by these :
For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth,
Which beauty' invades and conquers with, 120

But rubies, pearls, and di;'.monds,
"With which a philter-love coniniands .'

This is the way all parents prove,
In managing their children's love;
That force 'em t' intermarry and wed, 125

As if th' Were burying of the dead ;
Cast earth to earth as in the grave,
To join in wedlock all they ha^e ;
And when the settlement's in force,
Take all the rest, for bett.^r, or worse: 130

For money has a pow'r above
The stars and fate to manage love ;
Whose (0 arrows, learned poets hold,
That never miss, are tipp'd Avith gold.
And tho' some say, the parents' claims 13f

To make love in their children's names,
"Who, many times, at once provide
The nurse, the husband, and the bride ;
Feel daits. and charms, attracts, and flames,
And woo, and contract, in their names ; 140

And as they christen, use to marry 'em.
And, like their gossips, answer for 'em ;
Is not to give in matrimony,
But sell and prostitute for money.
'Tis better than their own betrothing, 145

Who often do't for worse than nothirg;
And when th' are at their own dispose,
With greater disadvantage choose.
All this is rit^ht ; but ibr the course
You take to do't, by fraud, or force, 150

'Tis so ridiculous, as soon
As told,*'tis never to be done",

318 THE LADY'S ANSWER

No more than setters can betraj,

That tell what tiieks they are to play.

Marriage, at best, is but a vow,

Which all men either break, or bow :

Then what will those forbear to do,

Who perjure, when they tlo but woo?

Such as beforehand swear and lie,

For earnest to their treacherj',

And, rather than a crime confess.

With greater strive to make it less:

Like thieves, who, after sentence past,

Maintain their innocence to th' last;

And when their crimes were made appear

As plain as witnesses can swear ;

Yet, when the wretches come to die,

Will take upon their death a lie.

Nor are the virtues you confess'd

T' your ghostly father, as you guess'J,

So slight, as to be justify 'd,

By b'ing as shamefully deny'd ;

As if you thought your word would pass,

Point-blank, on both sides of a ease ;

Or credit were not to be lost,

B' a brave knight-errant of the post,

That eats perfidiously his word.

And swears his ears through a two-inch board ;

Can own the same thing, and disown,

And p^ rjure booty pro and con ;

Can make the gospel serve his turn,

And heij) him out to be forsworn ;

When 'tis laid hands upon, and kiss'dj

To be betray'd and sold like Chnsl.

These are the virtues, in whose name

A right to all the world you claim.

And boldly thalletge a don.inion.

In gract and nature, o'er ail women;

Of wlioin, no less will satisiy,

Than all the sex, your tyranny :

Altho' you'll find it a hard province.

With all your crafty frauds and covines.

TO THE KNIGHT. 319

To govern such a num'rous crew,

Who, one by one, now govern you :

For if you all wei-e Solomons, 195

And wise and great as he was once,

You'll find they're able to subdue

(As they did him) and baffle 50U.

And if you are imposed upon,
'Tis by your own temptation done, 200

That with your ignorance invite,
And teach us how to use the slight.
For when we find y' are still more taken
With false attracts of our own making.
Swear that's a rose, and that a stone, 205

Like sots, to us that laid it on ;
And what we did but slightly prime.
Most ignorantly daub in rbime ;
You force us, in our own defences,
To copy beams and influences ; 210

To lay perfections on the graces.
And draw attracts upon our faces;
And, in compliance to jour wit,
Your own false jewels counterfeit:
For, by the practice of those arts, 215

We gain a greater share of hearts;
And those deserve in reason most,
That greatest pains and study cost:
For gri at perfections art- like Injav'n,
Too rich a present to be giv'n } 220

Nor are those masterstrokes of beauty
To be performxl without hard duty ;
Whicli, when they're nobly done, and well,
The simple natural excel.

How fair and sweet the planted rose, 225

Beyond the wild, in hedges grows!
For, without art, the noblest seeds
Of iiow'rs degen'rate into weeds.
How dull and ruggcJ, ere 'tis ground,
And polish'd, looks a diamond .' 230

Though Paradise were e'er so fair,
It was not kept so without care.

330 THE LADY'S ANSWER

The whole world, without art and dress,

Would be but one great wilderness,

Aad mankind but a savage herd, 235

I'or all that nature has conferred :

This does but rough-hew, and design,

Leaves art to polish^and refine.

Though women first wi re made for mea,

Yet men were made for them again; 240

Vor when (out\vitte<l by his wifr)

Man first turn'd tenant but for life,

If women had not interven'd,

How soon had mankind had an end .'

And that it is in being yet, 245

To us alone you are in debt :

And Where's your liberty of choice,

And our unnatural no voice ?

Since all the privilege you boast,

And falsely 'surp'd or vainl> lost, 250

Is now our right ; to whose creation,

Vou owe your happy restoration.

And if we had not weighty cause

To not appear in making laws,

We could, in spite of all your tricks, 255

And shallow, formal politics.

Force you our managements t' obey.

As we to yours (in shew) give way.

Hence 'tis, that while you vainly strive

T'ad%'ance your high prerogative, 260

You basely, after all your braves.

Submit, and own yourselves our slaves;

And 'cause we do not make it known,

Nor publicly our int'rests own ;

Like sots, suppose we have no shares 265

In ord'ring you, and your affairs ;

When all your empire and command,

You have from us, at second hand :

As if a pilot, that appears

To sit still only, while he steers, 270

And does not make a noise and stir,

Like ev'ry common mariner,'

TO THE KNIGHT^

Knew nothing of the card, nor star,

And did not guide the men of war:

Nor we, because we don't appear 275

In councils, do not govern there ;

While, like the mighty (m) Prester John,

Whose person none dares look upon,

But is preserv'd in close disguise

From b'ing made cheap to vulgar eyes, 280

W enjoy as large a pow'r, unseen,

To govern him, as he does men ;

And in the right of our Pope Joan,

Make emp'rors at our feet fall down;

Or (h) Joan de Pucel's braver name, 285

Our right to arms and conduct c'aim ;

Who, though a spinster, yet v,as able

To serve France for a grand constable.-

We make and execute all laws,
Can judge the judges, and the cause ; 290 ■

Prescribe all rules of right or wrong,
To th' long robe, and the longer tongue;
'Gainst which the world has no defence,
But our more pow'rful eloquence.
We manage things of greatest weight 295

In all the world's affairs of state ;
Are ministers of war and peace,
That sway all nations how we please.
We rule all churches, and their flocks,
Heretical, and orthodox, 30o

And are the heavenly vehicles
O' th' spirits, in all conventicles :
By us is all commerce and trade
Inipiov'd, and manag'd. and decay'd ;
For nothing can go off" so well, 305

Nor bears that price, as what we sell.
We rule in ev'ry public meeting.
And make men do what we judge fitting;
Are jnagistrates in all great towns,
Where men do nothing, but wear gowns, 316

We make the men of war stnke sail,
And to our braver conduct veil,
02

322 THE LADY'S ANSWER

And, when h' has chac'd his enemies,
Submit to us upon his knees.
Is tiiere an officer of state
Untimely rais'd, or magistrate,
That's haughtji- and imperious ?
He's but a journeyman to us.
That, as he gives us cause to do't,
Can keep him in, or turn him out.

We are your guardians, that increase
Or waste your fortunes how we please ;
And as you humour us, can deal
In all your matters, ill or well.

'Tis we that can dispose alone,
Whether your heirs shall be your own,
To whose integi-ity yoi- must,
In spite of all your caution, trust;
And. 'less you fly beyond the seas,
Can fit you with what heirs we please ;
And force you t' own 'em, though begotten
By French valets, or Irish footmen.
Nor can the rigorousest course
Prevail, unless to make us worse;
Who stilt, the liarsher we are us'd.
Are further oflT from b'ing reduc'd ;
And scorn t' abate, for any ills.
The least punctilios of our wills.
Force does but whet our wits t' apply
Arts, born with us, (or remedy ;
Which all your politics, as yet.
Have ne'er been able to defeat :
For when y' have trj 'd all sorts of ways,
Wl at fools d' we make of you in plays ?
WMiile al! the favours we afford.
Are but to girt you with the sword.
To fight our battles in our steads.
And have your brains beat out o' your heads ;
Encouiitei-, in despite of nature.
And fight at once with fire and water.
With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas,
Our pride and vanity t' appease ;

TO THE KNIGHT. 32J

Kill one another, and cut throats,

For our good graces and best thoughts ;

To do your exercise for honour, 355

And have your brains beat out the sooner ;

Or crack'd, as learnedly, upon

Things that are never to be known;

And still appear the more industrious,

The more your projects are prepost'rous ; 360

To square the circle of the arts.

And run stark mad to shew your parts ;

Expound the oracle of laws,

And turn them which way we see cause ;

Be our solicitors and agents, 355

And stand for us in all engagements.

And these are all the mighty pow'rs
You vainly boast, to cry down ours;
And what in real value's wanting,
Supply with vapouring and ranting : 370

Because jourselves are terrify'd,
And stoop to one another's pride,
Believe we have as little wit
To be out-hector'd, and submit ;
By your example, lose that right 375

In treaties, which we gain'd in fight;
And, terrify'd into an awe.
Pass on ourselves a (o) Salique 1 iw ;
Or, as some nations use, give place.
And truckle to your mighty race, 3S0

Let men usurp th' unjust dominion,
As if they were the better women.

NOTES TO PART HI. CANTO I.

15 (a) AND more, &c.] Caligula was one of the
Emperors of Rome, son of Germanicus and Agrippi-
na. He would needs pass for a god. and had the *
))eads of the ancient statues of the gods taken off,
and bis own placed on in their stead ; and used to !
stand between the statues of Castor and Pollux to
be worshipped ; and often bragged of lying with the '
Woon.

43 (6) And us^d, &c.] Philters were love potions,
reported to be much in request in former ages ; but
our true Knight-Errant Hero made use of no other
but what the noble achievements by his sword pro*
duced.

52 (() To tV Ordeal, drt.] Ordeal trials were, when
supposed criminals, to discover their innocence, went
over several red-hot coulter irons. These were ge-
nerally such whose chastity was suspected, as the
vestal virgins, &c.

93 (rf) So Spanish Heroes, &c.] The young Spaniards
signalize their valour before the Spanish latlies at
bull feasts, which often prove very hazardous, and
sometimes fatal' to them. It is performed by attack-
ing of a wild bull kept on purpose, and let loose at
at the combatant ; and he that kills most, carries the
laurel, and dwells highest in the ladies' favour.

137 (e) To pawn, &c.] His exterior ears were gone
before and so out of danger ; but by inward ears is
here meant his conscience.

252 (/) Loud as, &c.] A speaking trumpet, by
which the voice may be heard at a great distance,
very useful at sea.

276 C^) As if tW had, &.C.] This alludes to some
abject lechers, who used to be disciplined with amo-
rous lashes by their mistresses.

323 (//) Btxvitch Hermetic Men, &€.'] Hermes
Trismegistus, an Egj-ptian Philosopher, and said to
have lived Anno Mundi 2070, in the reign of Niifus,

PART III. CANTO I. 325

after Moses. He was a wonderful philosopher, and
proved that there was but one God. the creator of all
things ; and was the author of several most excellent
and useful inventions. But those Hermetic Men
here mentioned, though the pretended sectators of
this great man, are nothing else but a wild and ex-
travagant sort of enthusiasts, who make a hodge-
podge of Religion and Philosophy, and produce no-
thing but what is the object of evei*y considei-ing
person's contempt.

326 (i) Putosi.'] Potosi is a city of Peru, the moun-
tains whereof aflbrd gi-eat quantities of the finest
silver in all the Indies.

603 {k) More ivretc/iecf, &c.] Villanage was an art-
tient tenure, by which the tenants were obliged to per-
form the most abject and slavish services for their
lords.

639 (0 Like Indian Widows, &c.'] The Indian wo-
men, lichly attired, are carried in a splendid and
pompous machine to the funeral pile, where the
bodies of their deceased husbands are to be consumed,
and there voluntarily throw themselves into it. and
expire ; and such as refuse, their virtue is ever after
suspected, and they live in the utmost contempt.

647 (m) For as the Pythagorean, drc.j It was the
opinion of Pythagoras and his followers, that the
soul transmigrated (as tliey termed it) into all the
diverse species of animals ; and so was differently dis-
posed and affected, according to their different na-
tures and constitutions.

707 (n) For tho'' Chineses, &c.'] The Chinese men
of quality, when their wives are brought to bed, are
nursed and tended with as mucli care as w omen here,
and are supplied with the bt-st strengtliening and
nourishing diet, in order to qualify them for future
services.

751 (o) Tramform them into Sams, &c.] The Si-
rens, according to the poets, were three sea-monsters,
half women and half fish : their names were Parthe-
nope, Ligea, and Leucosia. Their usual residence

326 HUDIBRAS.

was about the island of Sicily, where, by the charm-
ing melody of their voices, they used to detain those
that heard them, and then translbnn them into some
sort of brute animals.

755 (p) By the Husband Mandrake, &€.'} Natural-
ists report, that if a male and female Mandrake lie
near each other, there will often be heard a sort of
murmuring noise.

797 (g : The World is but two Parts, &c.] The equi-
noctial divides the globe into North and South.

819 (/•) Unless among the Amazons, drc] The Ama-
zons were women of Scythia, of heroic and great
achievements. They suffered no men to live among
them ; but once every year used to have convei-sa-
tion with men, of the neighbouring countries, by
which if they had a male child, they presently either
killed or crippled it; but if a female, they brought it
up to the use of arms, and burnt off one breast, leav-
ing ihe other to suckle girls.

865 {s) The Nymphs of chaste Diana's, <trc.'} Diana's
Nymphs, all ot wliom vowed perpetual virginity, and
\vere much celebrated for the exact observation of
their vow.

866 (0 Lervkner''s Lane"] Some years ago swarmed
with notoriously lascivious and profligate strumpets.

877 {u) The reason of it is, &c.] Demanding the
clergy of lier 6f%, which, for the reasons aforesaid, is
pleaded in excuse by those who take the liberty to
oblige themselves and friends.

1086 {li') As Ironside or Hardiknute, ire.'] Two fa-
mous and valiant pri ices of this country; the one a
Saxon, the other a Dane.

1131 (jt) But those that trade in Gteomancy. &c.'] The
Laplaml Magi. The Laplanders are an idolatrous
people, fai- Noi-th ; and it is very credibly reported,
by authors and persons that have travelled in their
country, that they do perform things incredible by
%vhat is vulgarly called Magic.

1153 (y) To burning xvith, !kc,J An allusion to cau-
terizing in apoplexies, &c.

PART III. CANTO I. 327

1321 (x) The Queen of Night, &c.'] The Moon
influences the tides, and predominates over all humid
bodies ; and persons distempered in mind are called
Lunatics.

1344 (a) And groiving to thy Horse, &c.] The Cen-
taurs were a people of Thessaly, and supposed to be
the first managers of horses ; and the neif^hbouring
inhabitants never having seen any such thing before,
fabulously reported them monsters, half men and
half horses.

1423 (6) Sir (quoth the Voice), &c.'] Sophi is at
present the names of the kings of Persia, not super-
added, as Pliaroah was to the kings of Egypt, but
the name of the family itself, and religion of Ha lip
whose descendants by Fatima, Mahomet's daughter,
took the name of Sophi.

1454 (c) fVear wooden Peccadillos, &c.^ Pecca-
dillos were stiff pieces that went about the neck,
and round about the shoulders, to pin the band,
worn by persons nice in dressing; but his wooden
one is a piL'ory.

1483 (d) Hence Uis Possessions, &c.] Criminals, in
their indictments, are charged with not having the
fear of God before their eyes, but being led by the
instigation of the Devil.

1521 (e) When to a legal Utlegation, &c, ] When
they return the excommunication into the Chancery,
tliere is issued out a writ against the person.

1534 (/) Distram on Soul, &c,3 Excommunication,
which deprives men from being Members of the visi-
ble Church, and formally delivers them up to the
Devil.

NOTES TO PART III. CANTO IL

1 (g) The Learned tvi-ite. &c.] An insect breeze:
Brcf-zes often bring along with them gi-eat quanti*
ties of insects, which some are of opinion, are gene-
rated from viscous exhalations in the air; but our
Author makes them proceed from a cow's dung, and
afterwai-ds become a plague to that whence it receiv-
ed its original.

13 (h) For as the Pei*sian, &c.^ The Magi were
priests and philosophers among the Persians, intrust-
ed with the government both civil and ecclesiastic,
much addicted to the observation of the stars. Zo-
roaster is reported to be their first author. They
had this custom amongst them, to preserve and con-
tinue their families by incestuous copulation with
their own mothers. Some are of opinion, that the
three wise men that came out of the East to woiship,
our Saviour were some of these.

51 (i) At Michael's Term, &c.] St. Michael, an
archangel, mentioned in St. Jiule^s Epistle, verse 9.

78 (A) And laid about, &c.] IVilliam Fry tin, of Lin-
coln's-Inn, Esq. born at Swanswick, who styled him-
self W^er Bariisftr, a very warm person, and volumi-
nous writer ; ami after the Restoration, keeper ol' the
records in the Tower.

146 (0 As Dutch Boors, &c.'] It is reported of the
Dutch women, tliat making so great a use ot stoves
and often puttmg them under their petticoats, they
engender a kind of ugly monster, which is called a
Sooterivin. ^ "*

151 (in) T out-cant t}ie Babylonian, ire.'] At the
building of the Tower of Babel, when God made the
confusion of languages,

215 («) Twii't/ in ayj/;70(/i- Hurricane, cbr.] At Oli-
ver's death was a most furious tempest, such as had
not Ueen known in the memory of man, or hardly
ever recorded to havi- been in this nation.

This Starry reported something ridiculously fabu-

PART III. CANTO II. 329

l»us concerning Oliver, not unlike what Procidus did
ofjtomuhi9

224 (u) False Heaven, &c.'] After the Restoration,
Oliver's body was iug up, and his head setup at the far-
ther end of Westininster-hah.near which place there
is a' house of ent. rtainnient, which is commonly known
by the name of Heaven.

227 (/i; So Romulus, &c.'] A Roman Senator, whose
name was Proculu^, and much beloved by RotnuUis,
madi oath before the Senate, tiiat this prince ap-
pt ared to him after his death, and predicted the fu-
ture grandeur of that city, promising to be protector
of it; and expressly charged hiiu, that he should be
adortil there under tlie name of Qidrinus ; and he
had his temple on Mount Quirinale.

231 (q) Next hh Son, (t-c] Oliver's eldest son, Ri-
chard, was by him, before his death, declared his suc-
cessor ; and, by order of privy-council, proclaimed
Lord Protector, and received the comi)liraer.ts of
congratulation and condolence, at the same time,
from the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen : and
addresses were presented to him from all parts of the
nation, [iromising to stand by him with their lives
and fortunes. He summoned a Parliament to meet
at Wtstminsier. which recognized him Lord Protec-
tor : yet. notwithstanding, Fleelxvovd, Deshorough, and
tl'eir j)artizans, managed alFairs so, that he was obliged
to rt.s;gn.

254 (r) To edify upon the Ruins, &c.'] John of Leij-
den, whose name was Buckhold, was a butiher of the
same place, but a crafty, eloquent, and seditious fel-
low, and one of those called^Anabaptists. He went
and set up at Munster, where-, wit}i Kiii/i/jerdoling,
and olliers of the same faction, they spread their
abominable errors, and ran atout the streets in en-
thusiastical raptures, crjing, Pe/>eni, and be baptized,
pronouncing dismal woes against all those that
would not embi-ace iheir tenets. About the year
1533, they broke out into an open ii;surrection, and
«^iztd the palace ayd magazines, and grew so tbruii'

330 HUDIBRAS.

dable that it was very dangerous for those who werje
not of their persuasion to dwell in Minister; but, at
length, he and his associates being subdued and taken,
he was executed at Munster, had his flesh pulled off
by two executioners with red-hot pincers, for the
space of an hour, and then run through with a sword.

351 (s) ''Mong these there urns a Politician, &€.'] This
was the famous E. of S. who was endued with a par-
ticular faculty of undernuning and subverting all
sorts of government.

409 (0 And better than hy Napier's Bones, ircl The
famous Lord Napier, of Scotland, the first inventor
of logarithms, contrived also a set of square pieces,
with numbers on them, made generally of ivory
(which perform arithmetical and geometrical calcu-
lations), and are commonly called Napier's Bones.

421 («) To match this Saint, &c.^ The great colonel
Joh?! Lilbourn, whose trial is so remarkable, and well
known at this time.

473 {jv) Tfie Trojan Mare, &c.'] After the Grecians
had spent ten years in the siege of Ti'oy, without
the least prospect of success, they bethought of a
stratagem, and made a wooden horse capable of con-
taining a considerable number of armed men: this
they filled with the choicest of ti.eir army, and then
pretended to raise the siege; upon which the cre-
dulous Trojans made a breach in the walls of the
city to bring in this fiital plunder ; but when it was
brought in, the inclosed heroes soon appeared, and,
surprizing the city, the rest en.ered in at the breath.

520 {x) I mean Margaret's Fast, ke.] That Parlia-
ment used to luive public fasts kept in bt. Margaret's
church, Westminster, as is done to this present ti;ne.

605 {y) To hang like Mahomet, circ] It is reported of
Mahomet, the great impostor, that, having built a
mosque, the roof wliereof was oijoulstone, and order-
ing his corpse, wljen he was dead, to be put into an iron
coffin, and brought into that place, the loadstone soon
attracted it liear the top, where it still hangs in the
air.

PART III. CANTO II. i)31

No less fabulous is what the legend says of Igna-
tius Loyola, that his zeal and devotion transported
him so, that at his pi-ayers he has been seen to be
raised from tiie ground for some considerable time
together.

650 (z) As easy as Serpents, &c.'] Naturalists report,
that snakes, serpents, &c. cast their skins every year.

655 (a) As Barnacles turn Solan Geese, circ] It is
said, that in the Islands of the Oreades, in Scotland,
there are trees which bear those barnacles, which,
dropping off into the water, receive life, and become
those birds called solan geese.

663 (b) So that he keeps the Gate of Hell, ©-<••] The
poets feign the dog Cerberus, that is the porter of ht 11,
to have three heads.

685 (c) Lite Gibellines, iyc.'\ Two great factions in
Italj-, distinguished by those names, which miserably
distracted and wasted it about the year 1130.

841 ((/) W'/ien </»■£■« Saints' Ears, circ] Burton, Prynn,
and BastTi'ick, three notorious ringleaders of the fac-
tions, just at the beginning of the late horrid rebellion.

894 (e) But Fisher's Folly, &c.2 Fisher''s Folly was
where Devonshire-square now stands, and was a great
place of consultation in those days.

907 (/) Cut out more ivork, &c.] Plato's year, or the
grand revolution of the entire machine of the world,
was accounted 40C0 years.

1200 (g) T' your great Croysado General, &e.j Gene-
ral Fairfa^v, who was soon laid aside after he had done
some of their drudgei7 for them.

1241 (h) To pass for deep and learned SrhoIa7's, &c.]
Two ridiculous scribblers, that were often pestering
the world with nonsense.

1250 (i) Like Sir Pride, (^'c] The one a breiver, the
other a shoeniaker, and both colonels in the rebels'
army.

1505 (A-) The beastly Rabble that came down, &e.]
This is an accurate description of the mob's burning
rumps upon the admission of the secluded Members,
in contempt of the RumpParliament.

33!^ HUDIBRAS.

1534 (0 Be ready listed under Don.] The hangman's
name at that time was Den.

1550 (m) T/iey^ve roasted Cook already and Pride
tM.] Cook acted as solicitor-general against King
Chai-lv-s the First at his trial ; and afterwards received
his just reward for the same. Pride, a colonel in the
Parliament's army.

1564 (n) Their founder was a bloivn-up Soldier. "] Iq*
natius Loyo'a, the founder of the society of the Jesuits^
was a gentleman of Biscay, in Spain, and bred a sol-
dier; was at Parapelune when it was besieged bj the
French, in the year 1521 ; and was so very lame in
both feet, by the damage he sustained there, that he
was forced to keep his bed.

1585 (o) And from the Coptic Priest Kircherus.]
Athanasius Kircher, a Jesuit, hath wrote largely on
the Egyptian mystical learning.

1587 (/>) For, as the EgyfU&ns us'd by Bees, &c.']
The Egyptians represented their kings (many of
whose names were Ptolemy) under the hieroglyphic
of a bee, dispensing honey to the good and virtuouJ,
and having a sting foe the wicked and dissolute.

NOTES TO PART III. CANTO III.

8 (7) Than Hags nith all their Imps and Teats.'] A\-
lulling t- the vulgar opinion, that witches have their
imps, or familiar spirits, that are employed in their
diabolical practices, and suck private teats they haAC
about them.

15 (r) As Rosicrucian Virtuosos, &c.'} The RosicrU'
dans were a sect that appeared in Germany in the
beginning of the XVIIth age. They are also called
the Enlightened, Immortal, and Invisible. They are
a very enthusiastical sort of men, and hold many wild
and extravagant opinions.

36 (s) From Marshal Legion's Regiment.] He used
to preach, as if they might expect legions to drop
down from heaven, for the propagation of the good
Old Cause.

145 (0 More plainly than the Reverend Writer, drc]
A most Reverend Prelate, A. B. of Y. who sided with
the disaffected party.

261 {11) If tW Ancients crowned their bravest Men, &c.]
The Romans highly honoured, and nobly rewarded,
those persons that were instrumental in the preserva-
tion of the lives of their citizens, either in battle or
otherwise.

305 {w) Or else their Sultan Populaces, &c.] The
Author compai'es the arbitrary actings of the ungo-
vernable mob to tlie Sultan or Grand Signior, who
very se'doni fails to sacrifice any of his chief com-
manders, called Bassos, if they prove unsuccessful in
battle.

350 (.r) As th'' Ancient Mice attack'' d the Frogs] Ho-
mer wrote a poem of the War between the Mice and
the Frogs.

383 (y) And stout 'R.m2L\Ao gain' d his ^nAe,(is'c.'] A.
story in Tasso, an Italian poet, of a hero that gained
his mistress by conquering her party.

577 (z) All old dull Sot, ruho told the Clock, &c.2
Prwfeau^, a justice of peace, a very pragmatical busy

334 HUDIBRAS.

person in those times, and a mercenary and cruel
mag;istrate, infamous for the following methods of
getting of money among many others.

589 («) And jyiany a trusty Pimp and Croney, &c.']
There was a gaol for puny offenders.

599 (A) Made Monsters fine, a?id Puppet-plays, &c.'}
He extorted money from those that kept shows.

715 (c) From Stiles's Pocket into Nokes's, «Srr.] John
a Nokes, and John a Stiles, are two fictitious names
made use of in stating cases of law only.

742 (d) On Bongey for a Water Witch.] Bongey was
a Franciscan, and lived towards the end of the thir-
teenth centurj-, a doctor of divinity in Oxford, and a
particular acquaintance of Friar Bacon's. In that
ignorant age, every thing that seemed extraordinary
was reputed magic ; and so both Bacon and Bongey
went under the imputation of studying the black-art,
Bongey also, publishing a treatise of Natural Magic,
confirmed some well-meaning credulous people in
this opinion ; but it was altogether groundless ; for
Bongey was chosen pi*ovincial of his order, being a
person of most excellent parts and piety.

NOTES ON HUDIBRAS'S EPISTLE TO HIS
LADY.

113 (e) Or -ivho but Lovers can converse, &c.] Meta-
physicians are of opinion, that angels and souls de-
parted, being divested of all gross matter, understand
each other's sentiments by intuition, and consequent-
ly maintain a sort of conversation without the organs
of speech.

121 W) Or Heav'n itself a sin resent, &c.] In regard
children are capable of being inhabitants of Heaven,
therefore it should not resent it as a crime to supply
store of inhabitants for it.

173 (g) Tou wound like Parthians rvhile youjly, &c.]
Parthians are the inhabitants of a province in Persia.
They were excellent horsemen, and verj' exquisite at

THE LADY'S ANSWER. 335

tlieir bows ; and it is reported of them, that they
generally slew more upon their retreat than they did
iu the engagement.

183 (/;) Tlian Philip Nye's Thanksgiving Beard]
One of the Assembly of Divines, very remarkable for
the singularity of his beard.

237 (0 To what a Height did Infant Rome, lirc.']
When Romulus had built Rome, he made it an asy-
lum, or place of refuge, for all malefactors, and
others obnoxious to the laws, to retire to ; by which
means it soon came to be very populous; but when
he began to consider, that, without propagation, it
would soon be destitute of inhabitants, he invented
several fine shows, and invited the young Sabine wo-
men, then neighbours to them; and when they had
them secure, they ravished them ; from whence i)ro-
ceedesl so numerous an offspring.

252 {k) Till Alimony or Death thein parts.'] Alimony
is an allowance that the law gives the woman for her
separate maintenance upon living from her husband.
That and death are reckoned the only separations iu
a married state.

NOTES ON THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE
KNIGHT.

133 CO Whose Arrows learned Poets hold, &c.] The
poets feign Cupid to have two sorts of arrows; the
©ne tippetl with gold, and the otlier with lead. The
golden always inspire and inflame love in the persons
lie wounds with them ; but, on the contrary, the
leaden create the utmost aversion and hatred. With
the first of these he shot Apollo, and with the other
Daphne, according to Ovid.

277 (w) While, like the mighty Prester John, &€,"]
Prester John, an absolute prince, emperor of Abyssi-
nia, or Ethiopia. One of them is reported to have had
seventy kings for his vassals, ami sq superb and aii^'o*

j56 HUDIBRAS.

gant, that none durst look upon him without his per*
mission.

285 (w) Or Joan de Pucel's braver Name.'] Juan of
jirc, called also the Pucelle, or Maid of Orleans. She
was bom at the town of Damremi, on the Meuse,
daughter ol' James de Arc, and Isabella Romee ; and
was bred up a sht^phei-dess in the country. At the age
of eighteen or twenty, she pretended to an express
commission from God to go to the relief of Orleans,
then besiegtd by the English, and defended by John
Comte de Dennis, and almost reduced to the last ex-
tremity. She went to the coronation of Charles the
Seventh, when he was almost ruined. She knew that
prince in the midst of his nobles, though meanly ha-
bited. The doctors of «livinity, and members of par-
liament, openly declared that there was something
supernatural in her conduct. She sent for a sword,
which lay in the tomb of a knight, which was behind
the great altar of the church of St. Katharine de For'
bois, upon the blade of which the cross and Jlower-dC'
luces were engraven, which put the king in a very
great surprize, in regard none besides himself knewr
of it. Upon this he sent her vith the command of
some troops, with which she i-elieved Orleans, and
dvove the English from it, defeated Talbot at the bat-
tle 01 Pattai, and lecovered Champagne. At last she
was unfortunately taken prisoner in a sally at Cham-
pagne \n 1430, and tried for a witch or sorceress, con-
demned, and burnt in Rouen market-place in May,
1430,

378 Co) Pass on ourselves a Salique Law.] The Siz-
Vque Law is a law in France, whereby it is enacted,
that no female sliall inherit that crown.

INDEX.

iiRAof the Poem

Affidavit-men, their practice
Their plying-places

Anaxagoras, astronomical tenets of l)is
Astronomical tenets of others, as solid

Art, its ailvantages over Nature -

Autlior, his invocation . . -

Integrity . . - -

Authors of rhyme, their reason for coup-
lets . . . . -

Authors of romances censured

BAGPIPES compared
Bear-baiting, the adventure of

Its antiquity and derivation • - ib. 6SS

Proclamation on the solemnity • ib. 692

Blows, the method of making free by the
Bmnans

Of restoring to grace, &c. by Prester John ib

Best trial of valour in soldiers •
Bruin (the Bear) - • •

His genealogy

Diet ....

Travels ....

Resentment on receiving Hudibrais fall

Conduct in distress

Relieved by Trulla and Cerdon

Compared to Achilles
:ERD0N (the Cobler)

His paring knife

Descent ....

Polemic qualities, ire. •

Assists in the bear's relief

J! P

115

235

ib.

239

ib.

249

31

249

32

265

ib.

271

ib.

281

47

887

56

37

57

97

58

139

35

409

ib.

418

ib.

422

36

430

57

97

INDEX.

Page Line
Reply t» Trulla's speech on that occasion 58 115
Answers to Oishi's speech on the distress of

his bear - - • - 62 271

Tresses to the relief of Magnano • 69 562

Disarms Hudibras - - - 72 666

Assists in Trulla's triumph - - 79 967

Cheating, and being cheated, the pleastu'e

ofit - - - - - 156 1

Instances of the latter ... ik.7to37

Chemistry, a certain experiment of it - 120 425

Colon (the hostler) - - • 36 442

Compared to Hercules • - .- ib. 458

Enguges Ratpho - - - 46 826

Attacks Hudibras - - - 68 519

Assists in T;u//nV triumph - - 79 968

Commanders, a peculiar of theirs - 51 1048

Commonwealth resty to the rivler - 24 928

Mythologically compared to a rump - 280 1598

Conjurers, their various ways of practice 171 599

Court of conscience ought to assist itself
Cowards, none that venture a second beat-
ing - - - - - 115 233
Only entitled to horns and petticoats - 151 730
frort;//«o (t!ie fiddier) - - - 28 105
His misfovtune in a prize of his profes-
sion - - - - - ib. 140
Besolation and fate in the first action - 48 912
Led in triumph by Wt^f/iija* - - 53 1125
Put in the stofks ... 54 1168
Released by ?>Iagnono ■ - - 80 995
Crows, birds ot evil omen - - - 174 707
Cucking-stool, the cavalcade ofit compared

to an ovation ... 151 731

DISPUTANTS compared and exposed - 132 1

Disputes, how r solved nt last 145 481

Divinity, niceties therein exposed - • 5 163
Diurnals (newspapers) an expedient to lessen

the price ©fwhetstonfis - - li« 5T

to
140

640

INDEX.

Page Line
Uruids borrow money to be repaid in the

next world ... - 180 975

EARS, the poles on which heads turn 260 815

Injustice of cropping them for perjury 305 49
Echo described .... 60 189

Epistle, from Hudibras to Sidrophel, from p. 195

<ol98

From Hudibras to his lady, from p. 304 to 313
Subscription, date, seal, and direciion 312 341

H<-r answer from p. 313 to 323

Evening described - - - 132 903

Excommunication a distress on soul and

body .....
FAME described

Good and evil fame distinguished -
Fear, the effects of it -

p. 285. I. 65.

Too much and too little, equal
Fools foi'iid like woodcocks

Their stubbornness compared
Fortiaie of war -

Her old wont ....

A case out of her reach
GRACE and virtue too near akin to be

coupled ....

HALTER, rise from thence the highest
Hanging, a description of it

Goes w ith matrimony by destiny

No chance in it
Heralds, their power in pedigree
Heroes, their trade ...

Their reverse ....
Heroines, a digression against them -
Honour, how attained -

Different effects of sword and cudgel
on it -

A definition of it

Hurt past cure

Basting no blemish -

237

1521

110

45

111

69

283

11

287

171

284

27

197

80

252

481

55

1

68

515

77

877

231

1293

273

1307

265

095

300

685

ib.

687

173

669

33

321

ib.

326

34

379

24

913

45

810

81

1043

114

215

ib.

217

INDEX.

Page Line

Honour flies, if cracked

143 385

Lords' oaths -

ib. 389

Commoners' hufFs

ib. 391

Compared

ib. 393

Where lodged

183 1067

HUDIBRAS (Sir 5 L—

-p. 24

I. 903). His politic character

1 15

Languages

2 51

Logic -

3 65

Rhetoric

ib. 81

Oratory

ib. 91

Mathematics -

4 119

Philosophy and metaphjrsics

ib. 12S

School learning

.

5 15J.

Religion

•

6 189

His personal character— His beard

7 241

Back .

8 287

Belly -

ib. 295

Equipage— Doublet -

9 305

Breeches

ib. 310

Sword -

10 351

Scabbard

ib. 363

Dagger

ib. 375

Pistols •

11 392

His activity in mounting

ib. 405

His horse described

ri2 424
":24 921

His squire

.

12 457

SeeJ?a

Ipho.

Is compared with Rdpho

•

17 627

Adventure of the bear-baiting

18 677

Speech thereon to Ralpho

19 714

The conversation continued, and ap

plied

to Synods

•

to 919

His conduct before the first action

27 71

Speech to the enemy

.

37 494

Charge and demand of the fiddler

41 662

Reply to TafgoPs answer

•

43 742

Attacks Tal£ol

*

-44 776

INDEX.

Page Lioe
Hudibras leads Crozvdero in triumph 53 112*

Puts him in the stocks . - 54 1167

Pangs for his mistress • - 63 309

Herqualitits .... ib. 321

His resolution to re-attack her - 64 371

Soliloquy thereon - - - ib. SSI

Speech to Ralpho before the second action 66 453
Invokes his mistress . - - 67 477

Conduct in disposing the battle - iA. 481

In advancing - - • - ib. SQl

Fatality in getting and losing advantages 68 529
Desponding answer to Ralpho
Re-attempt . - - -

Welcome to a supposed victory
Speech to Ralpho thereon
Reply to Ralpho^s answer
Is defeated by Trulla -
Answer to her harangue thereon
111 luck and defeat in a second trial with

her . . - . -

Answer to her insulting him

To her reply
Surrendeis prisoner to her
Led in triumph ...

Put in the stocks . . -

Consoles himself
Answer to Ralpho''s reply thereto
Tlie conversation continued, on Presby-
tery, Synods, Presbyter x, Lay-Elders, Sec. to 1382
Behaviour on receiving his mistress's visit

there ....

Address to her ...

His answer to her reply
The conversation continued on the for-
tune of war, pain, honour, valour, love,
and whipping
Swears to whip himself as enjoined by her
Advises and debates with Ralpho how \
to avoid both whipping and oath S
His judgment to be whipped by proxy

70

585

71

655

72

687

73

724

74

757

ib.

780

75

795

76

835

77

869

ib.

897

78

915

79

961

80

1001

ib.

1009

82

1073

112

101

113

141

ib.

161

to

895

131

896

134

55

to

540

144

437

Page Line

144

441

to

560

147

565

150

665

151

713

152

753

153

815

154

835

Hudibras makes Ralpho his proxy

The debate of it on refusal, continued

Adventure of the riding
Compared to a Roman triumph -

Reply to Ralptio's dissent

Advances to attack the leader

Is attacked himself - - -

Flits the field

His consolatory discourse on the occa-
sion ... - - ibt 849

Resolution to swear he has penance per-
formed ....

Expostulation tliercon

Advised by Ralpho to consult SidropJiel
(the cunning man) in the matter

Questions tlie lawfulness of it

Owns his conviction

Rt solves to consult him

Compliments Sidvophel

Ri ply to Sidrophefs artful return -

Reply to his telling him the occasion of
his coining ....

Opposes astrology, its professors, 7 from
practices, Sec. S to

Falls out with Sidrophel, and dispatches
/?a^Ao for a constable

Disarms and defeats him, and wounds
Whachum - - - .

Speech to the vanquished -

Plunders Sidrophel -

His booty ....

Resolves to march off, and lurch Ralpho

Speed and activity in the execution

Epistle to Sidrophel ■

Experience in love affairs -

Relapse, and resolution to attack his mis-
tress ....

Arrives at her house

Address to her ^ . -

155

885

157

59

159

105

id.

125

161

189

lb

195

170

543

ib.

553

ib.

563

ib.

565

180

976

181

1015

182 1057

183

1071

ib.

1085

ib.

1088

185

1149

186 1183

195

200

31

ib.

37

203

150

ib.

163

INDEX.

Page Line
Hudibvas, dialogue between him and her,

on assuring her of the pei-formance of

oath, circ. continued to - • 536

Claims her promise of marriage - 213 53i>

I'he managements and comforts 7 from ib. S4S

of it debated 5 to 222 935

He is frightened, and brought to 7 from 225 1053

confission 3 to 232 1310

Upbraided with his past conduct, &c.
Dialogues it with Ralpho as a 7 from

sprite on the same subject j to
Is cai-ritd off by him
Speed in I scaping . . -

- Dialogue between him and Ralpho on the

discover) oTeach other
Answer to Kalp/w-s advice -
Hesoives to sue her proiiiise
Chara 'ter, c^c. of his lawyer

Address to him
His i-ase, with the responses
The lawyer's opinion
Debated, with his advice
Epistle to the lai'y -
Subscription, date, seal, and direction

Hypocrisy descnbed ...

The effects of it

A church improvement
I DVS and Calenda'y quarter days
Jealousy, the clap of the mind
Impostors, when past their labour
Impudence, a claim to eveiy thing -
Independent, difference between him and
Presbyterian

Post in reformations and qualifications

Independency described
Intelligible world described
Inward light, its advantages over i

A mark of those that have it

233

1339

234

140O

233

1556

ih

1571

23'^

1599

286

103

296

517

297

567

ih.

577

299

633

299

633

ib.

655

302

773

304

312

341

to

350

230

1221

231

1259

276

1459

179

917

217

701

198

121

197

109

241

45

243

III

255

603

162

225

15

573

211

481

INDEX.

Page Lme
Inward and outwai^ man, their opposition

to each oilier ...

.1 lines, their skill in palmistry
Justice^* delect of it -
A New £n^/onrf instance of justice

KICK o' th' a not painful

Artists in distinguishing the materials of

kicking and cudgelling
Pi/n7mj, his use of kicking -
Hurtful to honour . . -

Knights errant, and their horses privileges,

and address in encounters
Knight-errantry, an error therein exploded
LAWYEKS, no disputants on their pro-
fession ....
Exempt from interlopers -
Women's tongues only exceed theirs
Hudibraii's law)er, his character, qualifi-
cations, and practice
Lay-elders, their character
Learning, opposed to gifts and light, what
Loyalty, its character -

Eate of its confessors
Love, a sure shaft of it - - -

More restless than bangs or fleas -
Secrecy in love dilated on -
Characterized
Its readiest remedies
P osemaiy, its use in love
Whipping, advantages and examples of it ib.
Love, a Pythagorean
Hot and cold fits of it
The prevailing way, the justest in it
Its empire and prerogative -
Its interest of state in heaven
Offences pardonable here
Ought not to be punished by human laws
Land its firmest basis J-

^\ hy charms expressed by gold and jewels

135

77

185

1167

54

1172

143

409

114

209

115

221

ib.

237

183

1069

208

347

9

327

294

439

295

493

321

291

297

577

85

1221

88

1339

244

173

272 1301

63

309

65

401

119

415

ib.

417

125

.645

130

847

ib.

845

215

647

ib.

653

306

87

ib.

89

ib.

107

307

119

ib.

125

363

104

ib.

113

I-NDEX.

Page Line

Love the power of money in it

364 131

Love passions compared and CKplained 120 441

r ib. 453

Wealth the top motive

■I 121 475

LsiS 55

Ifenging or drowning the surest proof 121 481

A passionate poetical address

123 561

Ridiculed ....

124 591

Lie greedily swallowed

360 807

Lying, the fate of the facidty -

197 105

MAGNANO (the tinker)

33 331

His habit

ib. 336

Skill in the black art

ib. 343

Pertbrmance*

34 353

Arms . . - -

ib. 361

Amour • -

ib. 365

See Ti-ulla.

His policy to relieve Talgol and Colo

1 46 836

Habergeon wounded

68 537

Assists in Trulla's triumph -

79 967

Releases Crowdero from the stocks

80 987

^larriages, not made in heaven

213 545

No improvements of love

ib. 552

A beast that tires

ib. 569

Bargain at a venture

ib. 573

A vow broken or bent

364 155

Ring in matrimony useless -

348 304

Goes with hanging by destiny

300 685

No chance in it

ib. 687

Merit of a half lover after it

310 263

Men, their natural right over womank

iud 311 274

Advantages on the women's side -

322 339

Money, the last reason of all things -

273 1329

Use in casting knaves

ib. 1339

Power in love

364 131

Moon, the new discoveries in it

174 727

Advantages thereby in trade, politi

cs, 7

science, religion, &c. questionable

> 175 749

Setting, &c. described -

232 1321

INDEX

NEW LIGHT described

Derived
OATHS, how obligin)cr

Criminal in the maker

Of no force till broken

Broken by the imposer

Doubtful secur'ty

The truest, toughest
Obedience, tlie less tlie better
Oliver, his di ath and apotheosis
Orsin (the bearward)

His d. scent

Skill in niidicine

Famed for pitched fie^t, why

Grief for his bear's distress

Soliloquy tlierion

HaranRues his party

Attacks Ral/iho

Re-attacks him

Rescues Cerdon, but unfortunately

Assists in Trulta's triumph
Owl, ill Rome, the occasion of a lustration
PAIN, stoically discussed
Paper-kite and lanthorn described
Philosophical consolations
Presbyterian, the true church militant
Presbyter described

Diffen nee between him and Independents 24 1 45

Power of the keys - - - 261 857

Presbytery defined ... 85 1201

Providence directed, prescribed, and propo-
sed to - - - - - 40 589
Public faitl),.plate, and preaching, misapplied 39 557
QUAKERS, their gospel . - - 138 219

Compared • - - - 139 229

JZ^LPy/0, his name ... 12 457

Parts ..... 13 465

Birth ... . ib. 466

Page Line

14

501

175

773

138

197

140

271

ib.

277

142

377

204

205

306

81

255

610

215

215

29

147

30

219

ib.

223

59

171

ib.

179

60

199

61

248

07

491

71

626

72

G74

79

965

174

709

114

183

166

415

80

1013

6

191

84 1161

Kalpho, his pedigree ...

Gifts

Learning ....

Compared with Hudibras
Reply to his speech on bear-beating
The convs-rsation continued, and applied

to Synods ...
Engages Colon

Relicvt s Hudibras from Crowdero
Deit-ats. C'rorudero
Speech to the vanquished

To Hudibras thereon

More
Bears Crowdero''i fiddle and case in

triumpli ....
His ong;igeme:it with Cerdoii
Pn sses to the relief ol' Hudibras
Encourages him
p.ei overs his lost arms
Misfortune in remounting -
Ai»swer to Hudihras'ii harangue on his

supposed victory ...
Led in vriumph by T"/ u/te
Put in the stocks

Reply to Hudibras^ a consolatory speech
The conversation continued on Presbj tery,

Sj nods. Presbyters. Lay-Elders, &c. to 89 1382
Opinion on Hudibras's oath made 1 from 135 67

to his mistress, debated - J to '
Judges him to be wliipj)ed by proxy
Is made proxy himself
The del)ate of it on refusal continued to
Adventure of the riding
Dissents from Hudibras\- opinion of it
Advances to attack the leader
Is attacked himself
Flies the field ....
Advises Hudibras to consult Sidvophel

(the cuTiaiiig man) -

rage

Line

13

467

ib.

479

14

529

17

624

21

801

to 24

916

46

826

48

932

49

950

ib.

956

ib.

983

51

1034

53

1120

69

551

ib.

661

ib.

569

70

611

ib.

619

74

745

79

961

80

1001

81

1057

146

540

144

437

ib.

441

147

560

ib.

565

150

695

151

735

153

821

154

833

159 105

INDEX.

Ralpho convinces him of its lawfulness

181 lOlS

1571;

Page Line
159 12§
U 161 188
Sent for a constable to apprehend Sidro'

phel

Resolves instead of it to discover his pre-
varication to his mistress - • 202 99
Goes to her house and eifects it • 203 148
Dialogue with him (as a spirit) 7 from 234 1400
on his past conduct, &c. - y to 238 155S
Carries him off -
Dialogue between him and Hudibras on

discovery of each other
Ad\-ises him to sue her promise
Ravens, bii-ds of evil omen
Retreat, the advantages of it
Riding, the adventure of it
Compared to a Roman triumph
Historical mistake of the latter rectified
Pomp and cavalcade of a riding described
Ring useless in matrimony
Rump .....

Sir A. A. C. an independent, or latitudi*

narian member, his character - 349
A Presbyterian member, his cha-

286
293

107f

174

707

70

607

147

565

148

591

ib.

596

ib.

605 ■

248

304

ib.

333

351

racter

250 421

The latter's speech

252 495

The former's, by way of answer

265 999

Contain the disputes between 'J

both parties, their hypocrisy, V Z'"'"" 252 495

practices, politics, &c. J

to 277 1496

Rump burnt in effigy •

278 1505

Mythology of it

279 1577

Running, the advantage and conduct of

t 289 243

At least half the victory

■ 290 269

Gets the whole -

• ib. 289

SAINTS, their property .

50 1010

May sw ear and Ibrswear occasionally

• 135 103

Examples of it

- 136 141

Exempted from the obligation of oaths

by privilege • • -•

. 138 201

INDEX.

Page Line
Saints, their privilege universal - 159 130

No sin in them to cheat the devil - ib. 135

Are his betters every way - • 236 1471

Salvation mechanically obtained • ib. 1493

Self not meant in self-denial - • 144 459

Spheres, their music not heard, why - 124 617
Sieve and sheers turn as certain • 170 569

Stars, astrological queries and answers con-
cerning them - ■ - 176 817

How ill used in calculations • • 179 929

Abused in love affairs - • • 199 13

State sinners, prognosticators of changes 250 411
Sectaries, their birth and parentage • 240 7

Their natural constitution - - ib. 21

Their politics - - - 241 SI

Their rule of faith - • -276 1445

Souls doubtful security - - - 204 205

Prisoners on parole - • -205 219

Stocks described - - - • 53 1132

Swords and teeth compared - - 31 261

Sympathy of spurring - - - 67 485

Sympathetic noses
Sidropkel -

His qualifications

Studies -

Advances therein

Boasted knowledge

Familiarity with the moon

With the empire, &c. of the spheres

A remarkable instrument of his

Another -

Skill in occult sciences •

In nature

His Zany

See

His observatory -

Skill in observation

On the phemomenon of a paper

bwrthom

159
ib.

161
ib.

162
ib.

163
ib.

164
ib.

IVhachum,

166
ib.

105
107
205
209
223
234
253
261
277
281
305
325

403
413

kite and

167 42

INDEX.

Page Line
Sidropliel's in^ructions to IVhachum on Hucli-

bras^s coming to him - - 168 489

Jugfrle with him on his errand - 169 519

Artful return to Hudibras's compliment 170 549

Tells hira the occasion of liis coming ibt 557

Defends astrology, its jirofessors, ^ from ib. 563

practices. &e. 3 to ISO 976

Arms, and attacks him - - 182 1041

Is disarmed, defeated, and plundered ib, 1057

Policy in escaping • - - 184 1107

Synods, compared to bear-gardens - 82 1095

To the inquisition ... 84 1149

A commonwealth of popery - 85 1203

Synod men, their characteristic - 88 1309

TALGOL (the butcher) - • 32 299

His reply to Hudibras on the bear-baiting 42 684

Defence of his attack

Dismounts hira

Is wounded ....

Assists in Trulla's triumph
TaUacutius''s sym[ athetic noses
Tet th and sMords compared -
Trance dt scribed
Ti-iiiiming approved
Trulla (the tinker's wench)

Her n solution ...

Assists in the bear's relief -

Her lightness

Speech to Cerdon on the relief of the bear

Romantic care of him

Defeats Hudibras

Haranguf to him thereon

Reply to his answer

Re-attacks and defeats him

Insults him . - • -

Reply to his answer

Answer to his reply - - -

Gives 'lim her mantle (a modem example
applied) ....

45 785

46 861
68 535
79 966

8 281

31 261

227 1127

272 1291

34 365

369
97

lot

112
155

783
785
814
823
855
885
905

b. 919

78

929

ib.

909

79

945

ib.

951

ib.

969

ib.

975

INDEX.

Page Line
Trulla protects him from the fury of the
rest . - - ■ -

Resolves to exchange him for Croxvdero ^

Her resolution approved of

Triumphs over hira and Ratpho

The manner of it . - -

Puts both in the stocks - - 80 lOOO

Trust broken, not so desperate in trial as a

neck - - - - 122 509

VALOUR, active and passive distinguished 81 1025

Best trial of valour in soldiers - 115 249

The efiects of too much, or too little 5i26 1065

Virtue and grace, too near a-kin to be coupled 231 1293
WAGERS, fools' arguments -
Wedlock Avithout love compared

Properly compared -

See Marriages.
Whachum, SidropheVs zany, or journeyman,
his qualifications -

Employment in the conjuring trade

Skill in poetry - -

Encomium on it

Receives Hudibras, and pumps Ralpho

Jugglts with Sidrophel on Hudibvm's errand 169

Assists Sidrophel to attack him

Throws down his arms, and is wounded 183 1063
Whipping, its praises p. 129. /. 811 ^o 816

Use, &c. in love - - - 130 845

Examples of it - - - 131 875

Whipping-post described - 54 1150

The honour and privileges of its tenants | ^^ ^J

Widow {Hudibras''s mistress) her qualities 63 321
Behaviour on the news of his being iu the

stocks - - . - 111 81

Expostulation on the sight of hira there 112 12S

Answer to Lis first address to her - 113 153

116

298

117

321

125

648

>
164

323

ib.

335

165

358

166

384

168

494

169

522

182

1055

B^DEX.

The conversation continued on the foi>

tune of war, pain, honour, valour, love,

and whipping - ■ • to 13

Answer to his address to her on assur-
ance of having performed bis oath
The dialogue thereon continued - to
Answer to his claiming her promise of

marriage - - - -

The management and comforts of it

debated - ■ ■ - to

Concluded by her with its true moti>'es
Answer to his epistle
Women, their zeal, &c. celebrated
Passion for precedence
Arts in amour
Power over mankind
Out of complaisance to them
Man as much made for them, as they for

men . . . -

The advantages on the woman's side
Influence over the men— —in politics

In church affairs

In trade

In magistracy

In war

In promotions

In estates -

In heirs to them
Worse for ill usage
Men their fools in the play

Page Line

204

187

225 1053

213

545

222

936

ib.

937

314

152

775

203

169

308

173

ib.

191

309

199

320

239

ib.

241

ib.

253

321

299

ib.

SOS

ib.

307

ib.

311

ib.

315

322

321

ib.

325

ib.

333

ib.

34S

FINIS.

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